Struggling

Thread: Struggling

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  1. Struggling

    So I just split from my wife. She said she's been checked out for sometime but loved me so much she was in denial.

    Here's the back story. It's pretty long so I would be grateful if you could give it a read and some insight.

    So my wife and I met 5 1/2 years ago online.
    Things were a bit slow to start off as I was being cautious after not having a really successful dating life due to me being depressed and inward.
    I am from another country and was in search of a person I could love.
    When we decided to be exclusive we moved a bit faster. After 6 months we decided to travel Asia for 4 months So after about 10 months we moved in together to save. It was exciting and we loved each other a lot. It had a few tough moments. She is very self aware and open and I'm the opposite. It took her a while to crack me but it felt good.

    I liked to drink and sometimes got black out and came home a few times and was not cool. Not physical but verbal saying she was trying to control me. That wasn't the case as I know she was only caring about me and wanted me to be safe.
    So then before out trip she wanted to sponsor me to stay in the country and I wanted to propose to her at the end of the trip as I would know if we could survive an intense 4 month travel adventure together we would be solid.
    One thing sped that up though. I had a record from another country and never declared it, so an immigration lawyer said we should get married to help our app.

    This stressed us out as our hand was being played for us. We wanted to get married on out own terms. But we went ahead and did it and it was a great day and our trip became our honeymoon which was a great success.
    Some things happened on our trip and my wife developed severe anxiety. It did affect out travels but I was there for her as best I could. Then we came home.
    I went back to work and she started her own business. It was tough at the beginning but she became very successful and still is. I'm so proud of her. The anxiety though was a problem. We were very lucky to then buy a house. She went on an ssri to deal with the anxiety. It was tough on our sex life as she had no feeling.
    I was supportive and didn't force sex as it always led to disappointment and left her feeling low. So I respected that. Like what am I supposed to do there?

    Last year I started a new job. I work in construction. My hours became insane. I became miserable. We got life insurance for the house and the doctor told my wife that she was border line diabetic. It really freaked her out. She wasn't morbidly obese but had a few pounds on. I'm even guilty of that. That never bothered me though.
    She started changing her diet and working out like crazy and lost over 50lbs.
    I was so proud of her. She looks amazing but I was so over worked and stressed I didnt give her the attention she needed. I got lost in my photography and running while she was changing her image, dying her hair and growing her business meeting ppl al the time.

    She started getting attention off other men and made an emotional connection with a man. She was totally open about it and told me. She was still on the meds and dealing with her anxiety that I didn't lose it. I let it go and told her not to worry.
    She appreciated it at first but then was upset that I didn't get mad and felt that I didn't care.
    It wasn't true. I did care but I trusted her and didn't feel threatened by him but it has played a big part in what has happened since. Nothing physical happened and I believe her.

    I got more stressed about work, she got more attention and I was blind to the disconnection. She came off her meds then about 6 months ago so tells me she wants to take a break and try having an open relationship. She had grown a connection with her old boss and had feelings for him.
    I was in total shock. I was so hurt and confused. It was so hard. I started going to therapy and have since gone down the route of self exploration and awareness. It's incredible. I tend to get angry but I know anger is only a reaction to deal with a feeling I don't like.

    We split for about a month but I wouldn't let up. I kept at her and she realized she did not want anything to do with her old boss. It was a fantasy she made during a time of crisis. We mended a bit in June and we were doing great till about 2 weeks ago.
    She told me again that she had been flirting with a different guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.
    I feel that with all the change we went through and her changes she craves the attention she didn't get as a teen and young adult who did suffer from an eating disorder for 6 years.

    It is hard as I know she's a kind person who has told me everything but I feel she is going through an identity crisis.We love each other, love spending time together, we have a great sex life after she came off the meds. She just has this voice telling her to go be free in her new body with her new successful business meeting new ppl all the time travelling to do photoshoots everywhere.

    She also sees herself being with me forever and having a family and all the good things but she can't shake the other voice/feeling she has.
    A part of me tells me to walk away but I also wanna stay in and exhaust every avenue to be sure whether or not we should split for good or stay together. She wants to do the same but I cant help but feel she is using the trial as a means to have a guilt free escapade and I'm the safety net if she realizes I'm what she wants.
    That's remains to be seen and she knows she's taking a risk as it's been going on for a while now and she needs to seek it out and see which version of her she wants to be.
    Anyway thats the jist of it. I am by no means guilt free in the scenario but I love her and it's so confusing and emotionally draining.

    UPDATE!!!
    So we went to see a therapist and he told us to write down how we felt about the separation. What we expect from it and how we intend to deal with anything that should come from it.
    I start to put pen to paper and decided to tell her. Even before the next session that if she slept with anyone while we were apart that it's over. There's no coming back! She didn't like that at all. She said I was trying to control her while we were apart. I told her straight up that I that's not possible. I can't control her but her actions will have consequences.
    She blew up saying it's not about sex but more about seeking connections and flirting with men because she's addicted to getting validation and so on.
    She said she was out!! Out of the marriage that I had given her an ultimatum. Well I'm sorry but I'm not a safety net while you go screw around.
    We settled the dust a bit the next day but I then saw a text on her comp with a female friend asking her if she used bumble in one city will it show up in my city while she was away.
    Also she said how Mr. NYC was annoying her because he was only texting her once a day and she was considering getting a hotel. She has a photoshoot there this week.
    I called her out on it. She went crazy saying I spied on her and she can't trust me anymore. That she asked her friend about bumble as to not humiliate me here if ppl saw her online dating and that she just wants to swipe right and see what kind of messages she could get. Thing is I know the women message first on that app. So She would initiate contact. And the nyc guy she's not physically attracted to and she felt uncomfortable about the whole situation.
    Anyway we talked about it the next and she said she loves me but isn't in love with me and we have grown apart. Wants to be besties and all that crap. Then 2 days later she texts me asking me how I'm doing? We're split at this point. I said I'm doing well, went for a 10k run and got a haircut etc.
    I asked her and she said she was hungover and feeling down. I said don't drink then. Then I ended the text with a catch ya later vibe.
    I'm going through the motions. As messed up as she is I still love her. A tiny part of me thinks she will go and put herself in a situation and realize it's not what she wants and try to reconnect, but I'm not too hopeful. I have been good with the no contact rule so far and will for sure keep it up.

    Thoughts???
    Please and thank you!!!



  2. Hey, you sound really depressed, but I must say you are a strong person to go through so much hard in life. It is very true that you still love her and even she feels the same for you, her uncertainty of thoughts in life has led to your separation. One of my friends recently had a divorce and he went into depression, while browsing around this site he got in contact with voyance pure and got to know about psychic reading. This greatly helped him to get out of depression. You can talk to your therapist about this or get help from a psychic reading and get a new path to move on in life.

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