13 Day Inner Game Reflection

It seems like weeks ago that we started delving into Inner Game. It all seemed to start with the concept of “Rackets”. A racket is a story that we tell ourselves about the meaning we give to something that happened to us. Something that happened early in our childhood, or maybe later in life. The stories we tell ourselves about what happened can literally influence our entire lives.

For years, I felt guilt, shame and unworthy of love because of stories I used to tell myself. I let that guilt, shame and sense of unworthiness lead me down a destructive path into alcohol and drug addiction. Even after I got sober, I told myself a story about how the traumatic events I experienced in my life had scarred me forever. Limiting me somehow from experiencing all the love, joy and freedom that life has to offer.

For years, I unknowingly was wearing all those scars as a badge of honor. I didn’t know then that I gleaned a sense of significance from the things that I survived. As we got deeper and deeper into inner game, we learned how to unravel these stories we have been living. We learned how to find an “Elegant Meaning” in the things that happened to us. This is essentially framing the facts and events in an empowering way.

For example: I could have continued to let my old story get in the way of my feeling truly fulfilled for the rest of my life. But instead, I wrote a new story. It goes like this:

My New Story

For as long as I can remember, I had this vision of who I could become as a man. I felt separated from the possibility of becoming this man until very recently. There have been many obstacles in my path of becoming the man that I am today. I used to think that these obstacles, these challenges, these hardships were things that were to keep me from becoming the man that I always wanted to be. I now know that I am the man that I have become not in spite of the challenges, but because of them.

Had I not had some of those things happen to me, I probably would have turned out much differently.

I now see that the challenges placed in front of me were gifts. (Although they didn’t seem like it at the time.)

I have survived quite a few things, and come through on the other side a strong, kind, sensitive, considerate, caring, authentic, masculine man who can express his emotions in a healthy way.

Who would have thought that all those things that I went through were necessary to get me to where I am right now? I used to think that I was damaged goods. Fucked up for life because of what happened to me. I don’t feel that way anymore. All those things have given me a far greater understanding for other people’s suffering than I could have otherwise had. I have been blessed with perspective and appreciation for life that probably few people have. I think this puts me in a unique position to help people with similar struggles.

A couple of quotes come to mind. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” (Nietzsche)

Also, “All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free ” (Paul McCartney)

Today I am free. I no longer live in fear. I am no longer in survival mode. I know that it is no longer war-time. It is peacetime, and I am safe. I love myself. I live in abundance, and have plenty to give.
They say that the two most important days in a man’s life are the day he is born, and the day he figures out why. Well, I may not know exactly why just yet, but I feel like I am getting close. I know I am on a good path, and it is just a matter of time until I find a way to truly share my gifts with the world.

We participated in an intense group meditation ceremony last night. I was shown the source of love for myself and for my fellow man. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It is the most blissful state of joy I have ever experienced. I wish I had a way to make everybody on the entire planet see and feel what I experienced for a few hours last night.

After a day of reflection and rest, we participated in another very intense group meditation ceremony again last night. My intention going into the ceremony was “Show me the best version of me. Help me show my best self to people always, Show me how to love, Show me how to give.” In a room with 19 of my closest friends, we meditated and listened for hours to the 2 most beautiful voices singing that I have ever heard. I kept asking, “Show me how to present my best self to people. Show me the very best version of me. Show me how to love. Show me how to give.”

It was about 2 or 3 AM when it happened. The image of who I had now become came into sharp focus. I had the thought, “You are strong, and you are So Fucking Beautiful!” You are magnificent! I am so fucking proud of you for the man you have become! I had visions of what women must think to themselves when they see my best self, “God Damn! I wanna fuck that guy!” I had visions of what other guys must think when they see my best self, “God Damn that guy’s fucking cool!” The image of both ends of the spectrum of my personality came into sharp view. On one end is this guy that works the top side of the model. The fun, flirty, sexual side. A guy that meets what I call the 7 F’s: Fun, Fit, Foodie, Fashionable, Fierce, Fantastic Freaky Fuck (Ok, that’s 8 F’s) I didn’t actually make these up. A girl I was seeing a few months ago told me that I met all her F’s.

On the other end of the spectrum is this guy with an ocean of depth. A man who is a strong, beautiful giver. A man who will protect you. A man with so much inner beauty and strength, that it is over-flowing and I have to give it away.

In the moment of having these visions, I knew I had to do something to anchor it into my soul. I made a move with my left hand that summons my “Fun Fit Fierce Fantastic Freaky Fuck Mode”. I made a move with my right hand that summons my Strong, Beautiful, Giver. I have both of these sides in spades. The best version of me is overflowing with both. I have lived most of my life holding back the reigns on these parts of me. The very best parts. But no longer.

As I listened to these beautiful voices singing the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, I began to weep. I have become the man I always wanted to be. After all these years, after all the knockdowns, I have made it through to the very best version of me. I was overcome with the beauty of it all. She could feel my energy, and came over to me. She sat down next to me and put her hand on my heart as she sang to me. We sat there together in the most beautiful embrace that I have ever experienced. She helped me to breathe into it and fully experience the beauty as it seared into the depths of my soul. I anchored this feeling into my heart for what felt like an hour. Feeling her energy washing over my soul is simply the most profound moment of joy I have ever experienced. She asked me if I had a little water. I unscrewed the cap to my water bottle as I handed it to her without making a sound. She said, “No, for you I mean.” We both laughed just a little and I said, “Oh yeah. Good thinking.”

A few moments later, as the intense emotion poured through me something amazing happened. My entire body began to shake uncontrollably. I have never experienced anything quite like it. The pure, raw energy flowing through me, pouring out of me. I was overflowing with love, strength and beauty.

I anchored the words into my heart, “Strong, Beautiful, Giver. Strong, Beautiful, Giver,” over and over again. I put her hand on my heart, and my hand over hers so she could feel how much she had touched my soul. I sent her a thought, and asked her if she could hear what my spirit was saying to her. It turns out that she is not a mind reader. She asked me what I said. “I’ll tell you later”, I whispered. “Sounds good”, she replied.

What my heart was saying to her was that I felt a calling. My life’s purpose. The reason I’m alive. I have to give this away. I want to help other people feel what I had just experienced. I want to help other men to feel as strong and beautiful as I do.
I now know the difference between living out of fear & scarcity, and living from love and abundance. When my mind starts fucking with me again (and it will every day) all I have to do is say to it, “Thank You for protecting me. I am safe now. You can be free.” I immediately feel a sense of calm come over me.

I am overflowing with love, and I have to give it away. It’s just that simple. Do you need some love? Have some of mine, for I have plenty. Do you need some strength? Have some of mine, for I have plenty. Do you need some courage? Have some of mine, for I have plenty. There is an endless supply there for us all.