Project Rockstar 2017 Journals - Page 27
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  1. #261

    PR reflection:

    Where to begin: Last 9 weeks were like nothing I've ever experienced. There, I started. What have I gained? People. People who will be a part of my life forever. Given how intense the application process is, I had very high expectations for the kind of guys that I would meet here. However, looking back at the last 9 weeks, I'm blown away by our group. I mean...I thought that there would be at least one or two guys who would have “slipped through the cracks” of the selection process and I would not get along with. But no! I truly never have been surrounded by such a group of caring, honest, genuine and accomplished people.

    On the road-trip everything was always set and everyone took care of their individual responsibilities.
    And when the group cohesion was in any sort of danger, we would come together and be open and vulnerable and address to the very core the issues that were creating friction. I really haven't been been in this kind of environment before. I would imagine that few people have.

    The sense of brotherhood has solidified by the time we got to Sweden and these are life-long bonds. For someone who has (had?) so much difficulty forming bonds with people this part of the experience was truly transformative.

    It was amazing to see how guys whose game dominated by the end of PR, became a lot more interested in connecting with other guys, having a good time together and strengthening group bonds as opposed to focusing on game. It was almost like transcendence into the next level of personal development.

    A huge part of the post rock-star effort for me will be to sustain and strengthen those bonds.

    I gained an understanding of fulfillment. It was humbling for me to experience how extremely good looking guys who attract girls without trying, could experience very similar feelings of insecurity and inferiority as me. Same is true for guys who have achieved extraordinary success in business and command wealth that I'm unlikely to see ever. It really was a crystal clear indication that fulfillment in life really cant come from the outside i.e. possessions, women or even physical fitness but rather has to be developed from within. Furthermore, I now understand that fulfillment is more of a process than an end goal. It comes from growth and continuous improvement without achieving a particular point. I have been given a a broad set of tools on how to achieve that fulfillment and now I must work to implement them in my every day life.

    What else have I gained? Appreciation for me. I've never felt so much of it. I may still be in a bit of a shell shock from it, as the world around me seems a bit surreal. I suspected even before PR that my relationship with myself was very unhealthy and living in this new state of gratitude and self love, now that I am back is surreal. Looking back at my old self, I'm shocked that I did not appreciate everything that I achieved in life. My education, my job, my physical fitness, my family or the the amount of energy that I posses. I look back at how all these things came to shine during PR, in large part through the lens that are my PR brothers. I feel so much appreciation for myself and gratitude for things in my life.

    I have found my masculinity. The concept was so vague prior to PR. However, it has grown by leaps and bounds since I've been here. My understanding of masculinity and reflection on how I've been practicing it all along were a big achievement of PR. Instructors were real role models for me. They exude masculinity in the most authentic way when it comes to game, adversity, social situations or business.

    I gained game: Game was real hard in Vegas. It was pretty hard on the road trip, but things started to open up there. I felt like learning the technical aspects of game were “way too hands off” from our instructors. I felt so much frustration. Definitely floated the idea of throwing in he towel a few times, though not too seriously. The benefits of the struggle without suffering became became apparent even as the struggle went on. Immunity to rejection and self imposed pressure to approach were forming through this frustration. I would approach an average of 30 times a night. Keeping in mind that the difference between a shitty night and SNL was just one approach was a powerful motivator and yielded results. These went far once the Vegas leg was over. Game had to continually adapt to the places where we went. Things certainly started to click in Sweden. Seeing as to how I really started at below 0, I'm not sure what the amalgamation of those experiences have done for the mechanics of my outer game. In fact I'm sure these will need further work. However, my inner game, which really did not exist before PR feels strong. It is based on my appreciation of my masculinity and my enjoyment of being the dominant force in the male to female interaction from the start. I also finally started to understand what it means for the first 5 approaches not to matter and the importance of building state early on in the night by just having fun. This was easier to do on PR, when I had an group of 15-30 guys to hang with and will be a challenge when I get home, as my social circle is small and weak.

    The real test will come when I go back work in rural Nebraska. Here, nocturnal hours and lack of human contact may drag me back into the purgatory of self contentment. However, I am confident that I have gained what I need and can sustain the momentum of self improvement and emotional fitness even here. In fact I am looking forward to getting back to work and conditioning myself to sustain my gains from PR.

    I gained the concept of emotional fitness. Much like physical fitness it is important for overall well being and must be exercised. I have a full suite of exercises to maintain my emotional fitness.

    I expanded my sexuality. I considered myself sexually liberal but I realized that I was far from it. I wish I had participated in more unorthodox activities while on PR as it seemed to be an enjoyable activity for everyone and great bonding experience. I'll be looking forward to these opportunities in the future .

    While I have made a lot of psychological discoveries about myself, I also found an exciting physical ability. In the past I could do quiet well without sleep, but it wasn't till PR that I found myself being able to stay up 40-48 hours and remain reasonably functional. This came in quite handy on multiple occasions and in various countries. Paradoxically however I am starting to realize that sleep deprivation causes me to lose mindfulness and sink deep into my head. I think there were plenty of nights where I would walk around the club deep in various tangents in my head because I did not sleep the night before. These are helpful discoveries about myself.

    During our final debrief, I mentioned that for me life will be classified as before and after PR. I firmly believe that as I am writing this. It's been a month since I came back. I've immersed myself back into my old surroundings, but I feel like a new man thriving in my old environment. I find myself smiling for so many reasons.... because I think back to the crazyness of PR, because I feel the inner strength and masculinity that I have discovered or if think back to my shenanigans on PR. I feel much deeper interactions with people and have deeper appreciation of the human experience. I sense women look at me differently, just like I view them. I have a deeper connection with my family and I have a new group of amazing guys all over the world whom I can call brothers.

    If any of you guys reading this and want to talk more and are interested in applying, feel free to PM me. I'll be happy to share more and offer any guidance that I can.



  2. #262

    Program Reflection

    How do I even begin to describe or reflect on such a massive, life changing summer. In so many ways, my life is different; I am different. And that’s not to say I’m a different person, but rather, I’m different because I’ve had so many layers that weren’t me washed away, and am so much closer to always living as my authentic self. I’m calm, solid, self-assured, and confident.

    My journey started with a lot of pain. I returned from operations in the Middle East nearly exactly one year prior to the end of PR. At that point, I was at what felt like the bottom; my long-term girlfriend had shut me out of her life while I was away, I was trapped in a career that wasn’t right for me, most of my friendships had faded, and the ones that were still around really didn’t treat me well or value me. I was lean physically and looked good, but my overall health wasn’t great. I was drinking regularly, and hooking up with nearly any woman that would have me. The relationships I’d form with women would be corrupt, in that I was seeking validation from their company. I was living a life based on external validation, from my job, the women in my life, and how my body looked. Take any element of that away, and I’d feel like shit until I’d replaced it; but nothing was ever good enough. At my lowest I knew I had to just put one step in front of the other to overhaul my life, and take control of my mind. I started working on myself from the end of that year, through an online Love Systems program, before getting onto a bootcamp with an amazing coach, JC. From there, I finally quit drinking completely, and started going out 3 and 4 nights a week, sober, by myself. I got good at talking myself into a positive state, and getting control of my mind, so I could get out of bed and head out to talk to strangers by myself. But there was still a lot to work on, and I wasn’t really making progress with women or with myself. There still felt like there was this giant hole in me, and I was almost like a drone with no heart. In the meantime, I was applying for PR as my saving grace; I could only keep the lonely grind for so long.

    The application process itself was a period of growth; between writing my application, each of the interviews, and the final acceptance interview, I’d grown and changed. I applied knowing that getting better with women was the smallest part of the program, and I knew deep down what I wanted out of the program, but at first applying I wasn’t able to articulate the real reasons, nor was I able to fully understand my drive. By the end of the process, I had dug into my own mind and motivations so much that I was clear on why I had such a burning drive to get on. It was such a build-up, and when I told I’d made it, a wave of gratitude and excitement came over me. I was ecstatic. The biggest journey of my life was about to begin. I must say, I was a bit worried about sending a chunk of money to guys I’ve never met on the other side of the world, but sometimes you just need a little faith.

    The fitness program started almost immediately. Having had already trained in the gym for around 5 years, I thought I wasn’t going to get much out of this leg of the program, apart from maybe some bonding with the team and having a bit of structure to my training. I was wrong. The program itself was intense, and took a lot of time and energy; fitness became my entire life for that period, and everything else was secondary. Within the first week I’d learned how fear was holding me back in so many areas of my life; how I wasn’t progressing in a lot of areas because I was so terrified of losing what I had already built and achieved. I learned about how easy monumental tasks become when you make the little things non negotiable. I learned a framework for coaching myself, and improving my own life that is applicable to anything in life. I shifted my focus from what those around me thought, to an internal solidarity with my path. I saw how success was based mostly on process and execution, and I changed my relationship with my body. Once it was time to get on a plane to Vegas, my mind was primed for growth.

    Arriving in Vegas was surreal. It feels like it was so long ago, like it was another life. Gathering at the mansion and then for seminar on the first day is a cool memory to think back to; everyone is literally different people. The Vegas leg kicked off with the group sharing their story (and as we’d learn, they were just that, stories we tell ourselves), and it was crazy to see how many shared so many similar elements. The instructor team was nothing short of incredible; I constantly felt so grateful to be sitting in the same room as these guys. We were also fortunate enough to have Venture around to deliver some of the most impactful seminars on masculinity and vulnerability. From there, we kicked off into some bonding with the shooting day and started the 10 day bootcamp. The energy amongst the group was insane, so many motivated guys, fit and ready to go at improving themselves at full speed. We spent about a day and a half on ‘game mechanics’, but we were never told any lines or routines. Sterling said straight up, that most programs are about changing the projection of a person (which leads to issues like identity friction and inauthenticity), whereas PR aims to address the person themselves – a much harder task. The remainder of the 10 day was essentially ‘inner game’; working on things like our inner dialogue, the stories we tell ourselves, the rackets we run against people, changing our state, masculinity, vulnerability, what it means to be a good person and a good man.

    For me, going into Vegas was easy compared to going out at home. At home, I’d be going out by myself, a lone wolf working on myself. In Vegas, I had a bunch of awesome people to do it with, not to mention the support network of instructors and alumni. However, had I not endured those months of brutal approach anxiety by myself, I wouldn’t have been able to enter Vegas with a clear mind ready to learn. Throw in an accent, and most interactions would be fairly easy to start. I wouldn’t say I started out any further along than most in terms of my skills with women, but I realised toward the end of the program how beneficial it was to be able to handle my inner fears right from the start; more approaches and interactions early on significantly sped up my learning. I was able to integrate learning faster and more consistently, because I wasn’t always trapped in my mind. None of this is to say Vegas wasn’t challenging; it certainly was. Going out, night after night, on little sleep, to face fears and be rejected over and over takes a special level of dedication and drive. When it’s 3 or 4am, it’s been a brutal night, and you’ve got a big day the following day, it’d be easy to pack it in and head home without pushing yourself to the limit, but this is where major growth is found; at the edges of the comfort zone.

    Aside from the outer game front, the start of Vegas quickly started changing my inner psychology. I had begun to think about my relationship with myself, the limiting blocks in my mind. Moving from the 10 day and continuing into the inner game intensive period, I completely blew the lid off my inner demons, issues and processes. I had begun digging new trenches in my mind. I was beginning to see at my core I didn’t have self love; in fact, I hated myself. I felt I wasn’t worthy of love, I felt worthless, and I lived from a place of scarcity. By the end, I had been rocked to my core, where all of these negative stories and beliefs had been deconstructed and washed away, replaced with love. I began to see that I am a gift, that I am worthy of love, I learned how to be genuine, to connect, to give, to trust myself, to trust the universe. I found my spirituality, something I would have never believed would happen to me. I had been given the tools, shown the way, and had the remainder of the program to integrate all of these learnings, while I dug the new trenches deeper. All in all, Vegas was amazing; living in the house with the guys, the nights out that sometimes felt like literally pressing reset each night with them all blurring into one, the incredible moments during insane parties, the highs, the lows, being constantly tired, sneaking in naps whenever possible, meeting some amazing women, building great friendships, shooting, driving between the mansion and the clubs, pumping each other up, seeing each other succeed, the BBQ, the final party, the bungalow, the great DJs, the bad DJs, but most of all, the people.

    Before we knew what had hit us, we were heading off on the road trip immersion period. At first, I didn’t get why the instructors didn’t come too, but it quickly made sense. Giving us the space to manage ourselves, allowed a lot of intergroup bonding and growth in itself. The other major part of this is to take off the training wheels, and give us a chance to feel the wobbles of life without the container and structure of the full team to save us. Much of my growth came in the first week of the road trip; if Vegas was the uprooting, then the road trip was finding new soil and laying the foundation. About mid way through the road trip, I had big realisations; that I was happy with who I am, I love myself, I’m a fucking gift. Internally, I’d made the switch to core confidence; sure in who I am. I had major growth in my skills with women, solely because I was coming from a place of rock solid calm, authenticity, and genuine giving. I was building a natural ability to connect that didn’t really require words; it felt like people could just sense my inner power. We were bonding as a group in a way that Vegas just couldn’t allow for, and we were partying in Mykonos at the sickest clubs, with the best tables and the hottest women. It was such an environment of pure love and joy, everyone living life to the absolute limit. Budapest then took the bonding to the next level, where we had more time to take it slower and think about our lives post program. I loved this city too, I think I’ll be back.

    If Vegas was the uprooting, the road trip was finding new soil, then the Sweden leg was letting those roots take hold and grow deeper. I went into Sweden still growing, and still battling with my mind to keep a hold of the new pathways. It was surprising, one minute my brain would be telling me I hadn’t changed, then the next minute I’d be feeling effortless joy, or feel a wave of calm and confidence, or be taking a gorgeous woman back to the hotel. I got good at catching my brain in negative loops, which is huge. When I thought I wasn’t going to learn much more, and the growth had slowed down, I’d have another massive wave of growth. Rockstar continued to surprise. The various circles here had a massive impact in making me make the final few major changes in my life. The pace in Sweden is completely different; the seminars are a lot more free flowing and relaxed, and we had a lot more time to just hang out with each other, the instructors, and alumni. The going out wasn’t as full on, given it’s a much more normal city and only a few nights a week are good to go out. The amount of love I have for every single person on this program is ridiculous. Sweden was such a good opportunity to get to know the instructors and each other so much more, as we integrate all of the learnings into our lives and really look to the future. We also started the business leg of the program, where the mentors in our group gave some amazing seminars on their backgrounds, and primed us for the next phase of many of our journeys; achieving the lifestyles we dream of, being unshackled from the chains of a job, and the life normal society ascribes to.

    I want to live a life of absolute freedom of choice; one where I am the master of my own destiny, I make the decisions, I walk to the beat of my own drum. This means choice in the women and friends I have in my life, choice in the work I do, the places I live, what I do day to day, and who I do it with, and when. Rockstar has been an accelerator to achieving this kind of life; I now have choice in the relationships I keep, and I have a network of amazing people I fucking love, and want to share the journey of life with. I couldn’t be better primed to nail the next phase, which is business & financial freedom. I vowed to remove the chains that imprison my mind, and Rockstar was a great preview for that; there’s no 9-5, no named days, no negativity, constant questioning of beliefs and ‘truths’, an environment of pure unadulterated growth, where you live in a hyper reality pushing the limits of what’s possible every day.

    Returning home was tough; to go from one extreme of the growth spectrum, to the opposite, and losing that positive amazing environment is a challenge. However, I’ve been more than equipped with the tools and support network to take control of my own life. I still talk to the guys every day, and we keep in touch on a weekly call. I’m so excited to see where we all go in this next phase of our journeys, and I know we will be best friends (doesn’t really do the bond justice) for life. We all share such a special bond, and no matter how much life tries to get me down, pure love is a text or call away. Reintegration is a constant battle, much like when we first arrived on the road trip, but I just know even greater growth is on the horizon.

    Since returning home, I’ve quit my job of 9 years, all I’ve ever know since I was 17, and have the confidence in myself, the trust in myself and the universe, to step out and forge my own path. I don’t have a completely clear picture of where I’m going, I have a direction and a vision, and I’m smashing my way down that path. It’s amazing to see that as soon as I’ve opened my mind to all the opportunities and abundance in the world, opportunities are abundant! My issue at this point is focussing on one. My relationships with my friends is different; I am so much more present, attentive, genuine, real. People look at me and say things like ‘you seem really happy’, or ‘you seem different’. It’s heart warming to realise how far I’ve come, and how much love there is in the world. I’m also noticing that I’m unconsciously drawing good people into my life.

    Rockstar has been the single most amazing, life changing, transformational thing I’ve ever done. I honestly don’t think there’s anything else on earth like it. I feel so very grateful to have been a part of it, having been able to contribute to it, and will hopefully will be able to contribute to its continuing success. What the instructors, Sterling and Vici, have put together, is nothing short of incredible. I will be forever grateful. There’s my life before Rockstar, and my life afterwards, and the picture of that life afterwards is looking fucking incredible. Peace and love.

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