Project Rockstar 2017 Journals - Page 18

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  1. #171

    Day 44-46 (9-11 Sep)

    Being our final major night out in Budapest, a last chance at a last bite at bonding closer in a club, the alumni booked a cool hotel room right near the club and we met before going out for a little pre-party. At first it was pretty normal, but quickly we started vibing well together and the energy in the room was exponentially accelerating. This kind of feeling is exactly what we’ve been missing and what the instructors were saying we need to develop over the road trip, for it had been lacking in Vegas and is mandatory in Sweden where the clubs are like a social event / party. I was disappointed not everyone came, but again, they’re on their own journey. When we hit the club that night, we were all in such a good place and were on fire. I had zero interest in talking to girls; the whole of Budapest I’ve just wanted to bond with the guys. I was in such a good mood though, so I just walked around and talked to my friends, occasionally talked to girls and when I did was on fire. We ended up dancing a lot, and I remember having a few moments where I was like “THIS. This is it. Shit. I’m going to miss this”. We were dominating the dance floor and the whole club, standing around in a circle with our arms around each other, dancing, talking, laughing, living, loving. The funny thing was, it was like a vortex for women; the whole club was looking at us and everyone was giving us eyes to go and talk to them. This is the vibe we’ve been missing. Until this point we’d basically been acquaintances at a cocktail party, but now we were the closest friends possible and we WERE the party. It made me sad we didn’t have all the guys there to share the experience and see what we need to strive for; a few were off on their own or at another club grinding out a few more interactions. We danced until the club closed and headed back to hang out some more. During the night I ran into the Italian girl from the night before, and she left her friends to come along for the ride all night. I was mostly hanging with the guys, but she was having a lot of fun too as a by-product of all the fun we were having. She followed us back to our hotel, so I took her up and spent some time with her. After I got her a cab, I went back to hang with the guys and we ended up having breakfast before heading for a few hours sleep in prep for the bike tour.

    The bike tour was fun, it was a beautiful day riding around the city. We stopped a bit too frequently, but all in all it was good to do something together. That night, we went to a ruin bar with a lot of travellers. We got there early, and it was fairly dead, so I just decided to have as much fun as I possibly could like we did the night before. I was dancing everywhere, forming congo lines, dancing on the stripper pole and doing spins/going upside down, and it was the same effect again; everyone in the bar was starting to look and be drawn into the fun. It was here I had the realisation that while I was getting really good at talking to women, and over the last few years as I got more and more self conscious and in my head when I was out, I’d dropped the insane, high energy, fun guy that I was. Right through Vegas and the road trip, I’ve had a lot of fun and given a lot of good vibes and fun, but I’d always come into interactions and it was all heavily based on talking to people, joking around, and a little bit of dancing. Tonight I wasn’t interested in anything but doing flips and being ridiculous, and then I realised most prior interactions I was either at the same energy level or I’d drop it down by setting the level lower and leading the interaction. In hindsight, it was probably the reason some interactions didn’t hook past the hello, because they decided instantaneously I was going to detract from their party/high energy vibes. I met a few women this night just through being extremely fun. At one point, a cute Belgian girl was trying to get me up out of my chair and was practically begging to go, but I was going home and was over it. There was a lot of travellers at the bar, who were on their last night in the city, and hadn’t been laid the whole trip. It was eye opening to see how much they wanted to; it was the last night of their vacations and many seemed to have the attitude of not wanting to leave until they had sex in Budapest – knocking down any remnants of any beliefs I had about women not wanting sex more than men. As I was leaving I also reinforced my beliefs around group sex being the most normal thing in the world; in vegas it was about 5 minutes before leaving with my friend and two girls, tonight it was 30 seconds before two girls wanted to go upstairs to their room. I pushed the boundaries to where I saw it was possible, politely excused myself and headed home.

    The next morning we got up and had breakfast, packed, and headed for the airport. I was in the final few days of being sick, so it was a bit of struggle traveling like that. I was really looking forward to getting to Sweden and getting back into the swing of the program. The road trip was amazing, incredible for growth and I’ll talk about it more in that reflection. We checked into the hostel (we decided to just go cheap, even the rich guys, and just share 8 bed rooms for the night) and headed out for some food. I got all you can eat ribs and ate a bunch of ice cream like the inner fat kid that I am. A Rockstar we’ve dubbed the snack padawan made me some pretty delicious sundaes. And his mentor, the snack lord, cleaned up a bunch of the leftover ribs and some cake. Good night. Caught up on a few blogs and got some sleep.

  2. #172

    Entry # 15:

    September 2nd:

    Holly shit: A huge breakthrough today/tonight. I'm so fortunate to have advice from my bros. I did so much shit so different today and the results came in immediately.

    I figured out how to not really give a shit. And that is actually not that hard. Just talk talk. Hang back. Very lightly pepper touch or not at all. Own all your shit. They way you look, the things you say, shit she throws back at you. YES it will blow up like it did with that British Girl that did not like the masculine/feminine duality talk. Some will blow up. But the important ones will hook. And they will hook good. But you gotta hang back. Wait for the moment where she opens up and the bubble forms. I sooooooo felt it with an older Brazilian Gilr. Until then, hang back and go ever so lightly on the touch. Play hard to get. Make her chase you. She may not. It's fine. Cause the ones that do WILL HOOK and will hook good. Same with the tall German chick. Totally was about verbal game. Some eye contact and primary touch was literally push pull. Gentle, playful but coming from a strong place of I DONT NEED this. There are plenty out there. Same wit a local Greek Girl. At first opening was easy cause I did not know who she was. Later I totally hung back until the bubble formed inside Queen. Should have probably escalated earlier, but fine. Important lesson was that I had to force her to kiss me a bit but once that happened, it was totally on, had her friend not fucked it up.

    I felt that power when talking to everyone else. Opening became easy, though EtOH certainly helped. Opening is no longer opening. It;s just talking. I'm talking to girls because I want to see how it goes... That's all. There is no open. I'm just talking. Being me. Adhering to my authenticity and seeing where things go. It's almost all coming together now and I need to take this mind set for a spin ASAP.

    Next challenge: learn to detach from the mothership and game solo.

  3. #173

    Entry # 16

    Sep 5th

    Sep 1st: Scorpio/Queen:

    Frustrating night as I did not pull either or my prospects: Latina from LA from two nights ago. Definitely built a bubble but sexual escalation, while there, did feel sub par. Pulled her to the beach once, but she was cold. BIG MISTAKE not solving that with a blanket,which should have been simple. Went pretty deep but apparently not deep enough. She was constantly texting her friends and I'm not sure what I could have done to fix that. Eventually. When she said that we are not gonna have sex, I jumped to a fellow rockstar technique to try and disarm it: She said that that she needs to feel a comfort with a person and I totally put out some BS. Should have just gone real deep as we had connection. I should be proud that I went for sex and got blown out. This gave me the opportunity to open the girl from NYC and let the Polish girl open me. Reflecting back on the whole thing, I actually blew her her off yesterday, even though I was very attracted to her and while I was very un-needy to begin with, I SHOULD HAVE BLOWN HER OFF A BiT today even after the bubble..... I think. I BECAME Over Invested. Just did not realize it. Thats's the thing... I made serious breakthroughs yesterday and formalized them today. I now have that ability to make/keep the bubble but need to solidify the sexual aspect of the experience. So lets not be scared of loosing one or two girls from the bubble and see where I can spike it on the spectrum of heavy escalation and neglect. This is all a huge experiment rooted in abundance. Take advantage of it .

    Tall blond German...Where the fuck did this go wrong...... not a clue. Though I did feel that the sexual interplay was insufficient. Why? Unclear. When I pinned her against the wall..... I talked dirty to her.... But not DIRTY ENOUGH. I'm playing it safe.... Way too safe with sex. Need to ramp it up. I'm in the place of abundance and I have now hit a second invisible wall. So experiment with it and don't be afraid to get blown out. Same mentality as above. Really need to push the thresholds.

    Plan for tomorrow: same no shits given-I-do-and-say as I wish attitude. Wait till the bubble to really escalate. Then decide on direction: spike or chill and observe the result.

    Lets reflect a bit though..... Holly shit I can do soooooooooooo mcuh more and so fast now, compared to where I started. Damn.... stop bitching about small mishaps. The big picture is so much brighter. I'm gonna master this shit!!!!!

    And lets not forget... They all wanna to have sex.... with me.

    Sep 2:

    Great chill day with the boys. Yoga on the beach and a group dinner at home. Real good fun. The night is much rougher going however. I'm pretty deep in my head and the internal monoluge wont shut the fuck up, despite all the conditioning. This happens when I'm sleep deprived. Also,tonight our group is smaller and I definitely feel less energy. As a result I feel needier and very tense and goal oriented.

    Had some good interactions but felt very hemmed in the whole night. Eventually, Had the whole thing with a super conservative girl from LA. Would not even kiss me till I went real deep. I feel like i'm hooking all the prude girls. Ofcourse it is a story and its up to me to lead the interaction and open up sexual thresholds.

    Sep 3rd.

    What a fucking atrocious night.... Started out so well. Last night in Mykonos. Focused on just hanging out with the boys and not giving a fuck about gaming girls, with the hope that it comes with the territory. But I was in my head the entire night. Lotsa warm approach girls from prior nights and working them at the table. Should have gone out and approached! Not feeling needy but feeling very tight and not much to say. Very few things came out effortlessly and smoothly.

    Really did not feel like I can do and say whatever the fuck I want except for a few notable exceptions, which I do need to mention here:

    NYC gril with whom I talked about ass sex with her bf, threesomes and gay sex at will. WHY??? Because I only opened her up to wing for one of the guys as I had a girl waiting (sorta).

    Super Conservative girl from LA from the prior night: The girl would not kiss me with tongue: I talked to her abut fucking her brains out and she left because (I think) it turned her on that much. Mean I saw her the next day at the airport and it was really cordial

    The rest of the night was shit. Well... I guess the girl whom I hooked up on the beach with the night before, we had a descent chat

    But overall shit night. So lets break this down because this is not a tool to vent. This is a tool to improve:

    Alcohol: Cetainly can have a loosening effect (like yesterday) but overall I feel like the negatives (i.e. reliance on it being the bigest one) out weight the positives. NEED TO DRY UP ASAP. And go to the basics of week 1 with integration of other lessons that I have learned.

    Body: DID NOT FEEL IT AT ALL TODAY. I am not conditioning enough and I know it. NEED to bang out that conditioning plan.

    Work: I am here to work, and I lost track of it the last couple of days... ETOH partly to blame, but met enough people the prior several days and so did not feel the pressure for cold approach. Need to get back to the Vegas mode and work on me. Pound the fucking pavement. Open with strong intent instead of this warm BS.

    Overall... Not a lot of quality eye contact or quality subcoms... big mistakes...because I have really slipped in the model and I;m operating without a reference point nor a compass.

  4. #174

    Entry # 17:

    Sep 7th:

    Budapest 1st night at Szimpla.

    Very different vibe and quality of women does not compare to the last 5 weeks. Back on the wagon and doing the sober game was bit intimidating, but got right back into it, even though I missed an entire day to recoup from Mykonos last night.

    After a few warm up groups, the banter is strong.... too strong. Tall blonde from UK.. totally strong open and got into banter with a few deep spikes. The gay thing I pitched was obviously a joke, but then she started to doubt my ethnicity and my job, even though she was a bit interested in me. Big mistake letting them leave even though she wanted me to prove it “by saying a single medical term”. I was completely resistant in jumping through her hoop and more or less got blown out. The better way to handle it would be to say “Look, if anyone had to know a single medical term just to prove that they are a doctor, that would be ridiculousness. You're obviously fairly intelligent so you must know something about medicine that few lay people would, so why don't you ask me that” That way I'm making her jump through my hoop. I was also very light on touch/prox subcom though the eye contact was there. She's British so she should be able to handle some peripheral stuff without any issues. Eventually one of PR stars took her over once I bowed out.

    May also be doing too much about telling girls that they are too young for me. Let tone that down, without leaving the pawnage of my age.

    Second Budapest night

    Starting to detect the diffrences in how women should be approached. US/UK/AU: Very touchy and playful, enjoining banter but also depth and sub comm escalation early on. Scandinavian/German: all about ridiculous banter and will not even ask you what you do/etc. Swiss/Belgian/Italian and Eastern EU for that matter, very boring, shriek at the idea of touching and want depth/depth depth. They dont get jokes at all.

  5. #175

    Inner Game Reflection.

    this is such an important topic. i cannot stress how important this is and i highly recommend to any one reading this, weather you like game or not, this topic helps in every other aspect of an individual’s life. i think even women can benefit from a stand alone seminar if something like that existed.

    as i’ve mentioned in my previous posts, i’ve done a day 10 bootcamp a few years ago. back then inner game was only for 3 days. now that i’m on project rockstar, this thing is now a mammoth 10 days long. and my god these 10 days have brought out the good, great, to the bad, to the ugly, to deepest skeletons out for all of us to face us, to challenge us, and how to over come them. these were the days of water works not only for me but also for the rest of the group. overall a very heavy set of days. it was draining, and we even took days off from going out to really conquer ourselves from within.

    before i go into depth with my personal experience over these 10 days, i must say that what the instructors and the guys responsible for this program have gone all this and much more, have tried and test the good and the bad before implementing all this to the program and want to acknowledge that and i deeply appreciate what they have done here. they get nothing but the please and joy of helping guys like me reach our full potential through this long and strenuous journey. they are all very successful in their own respective fields and they can definitely do many more things than to spend every summer running this voluntary program.

    i get inspiration from them and it shows how strong they are from the core to selflessly share their hard work in improving themselves, sharing their insecurities and how the dealt with them and so many more personal things that one would never even think about, let alone share with other and help others grow from that. that’s something i want to do in future. i realized with the resources i have access to, i can do so much for others but in a way that they learn, not become defendant on me.

    this week i’ve worked on so many things and as i look back to this post, i can now say that these 10 days and the learnings have impacted me in so many ways. so many things i have been able to achieve was because of this inner game seminar series and how grateful i am that i let go and opened up and trusted this process of self development to get to where i am now. in my 2 week immersion reflection you'll be able to see my growth and how this peace of mind that i got really helped me.

    for me rockstar has all been about accepting me. for who i am. as simple as this sounds, but its not. more i did that with the many different things shown to me. the different processes, and the ways to condition these things and channel the good energy and start away from the negative ones, the better i got. in terms of facing problems, being calm, to being better at socializing with women or friends. and also getting better at understanding social interactions, reading things and situations better and eventually tapping into my masculinity and being more of a man than i’ve ever before. i could continue filling in the changes i’ve seen but i’m sure you get the point.

    the setting all this was done i ideal too, as we are opening up, and sharing things that we are scared, sad or ashamed about, the instructors made sure our privacy was maintained at all times. they every very patient and respectful of all this and this just made me feel so much more comfortable and only the participants and the required personal for this exercise were in the seminar on those days. as a result we as a group really got to know each other and we bonded on this even more. it was just amazing how much we had accomplished and at the end of all this i physically felt so much lighter and also mentally less strained. at the end i remember sleeping more comfortable than i have in years and it was such a good feeling. some of us called up our loved ones, to clear out things or let of of things that was holding us back. this is so needed for everyone to keep moving forward and keep striding for the best.

  6. #176
    Join Date
    Aug 2017

    Roadtrip Diary #7

    Interesting how different the same city and the same place can feel on different nights, with different group vibes and different mental states. I still think isn’t wasn’t the smartest idea to basically stick to a single bar and a single club all week, but Saturday night most definitely was the best clubbing night out – the place was not so crowded, those crowd was no longer composed of solely first semester students and our group definitely was on a roll… as usual, we started off by going easy and chatting the night away, but as the hours passed by, we pumped ourselves into a nice vibe and took over the dancefloor jumping and singing and hugging and just loving life and each other. One of the greatest party nights so far – if we bring that game every night from now on with all the blonde Swedish supermodels around in Stockholm, September is gonna be very kind to us… 😊

    The last night was the most chilled yet banterous vibe of the entire trip… everyone wanted to go out and bond some more, but we were all aware that Sunday night in most cities isn’t the most bustling night and everyone wanted to converse their energy for the epic Swedish nights to come… so we just checked out a few more of the ruin bars that Budapest is so famous for… nice artsy places, often with open courtyards and a ton of different areas… the one we started the night in even had a backroom with a stripper pole that we immediately took over to fool around, take pictures and create hilarious memes… I wasn’t really in the mood to hit on girls at all as I had pretty much written off Budapest, so I just talked to people outside of our group when I found an opportunity to make both of us laugh given the situation. So I commented to one random girl standing around that I was the manager of the guy on the pole and asked her if she wanted an autograph… and a few minutes later, after a nice round or two of dancing and randomly checking out the various dance floors she sort of hit on herself and threw herself against a wall to pull me in a for kiss. That was a signal that I could not miss, so I told her I knew where we had to go and took her home… so I only really got to know her afterwards when we talked for hours… a nice finish to the road trip.

  7. #177

    Entry #18

    Sep 9th:

    Daygaming in Budapest: I was very nervous about this for some reason because I've never really done daygame before. Thankfully I'm at a place now, where I can push myself and feel really comfortable after only a couple of approaches. I feel my presence and my stillness when I open. Interesting, cause I expected to be more nervous and jittery. But I feel my presence and I dont feel terribly needy. Hard to hook it with local girls, who are in the middle of their regulate day, but we did eventually meet a couple of Canadian flight attendants and had a 30 minute conversation by the chain bridge. Got their numbers and then pulled a couple of Swiss girls into a testamentary where we were having coffee. That was smooth, but I still get that feeling of being a fraud and that they will see through that a bit into the interaction. Probably because my A-Z experience is still quite low. I need to figure out how to get though that.

    The Swiss girls followed us through 3 or 4 venues, but sexual energy and escalation were tough. Once I started ramping it up and she told me that she had a bf. Good lesson here because knowing the origin, I went very deep with her early instead of more aggressive. Should have had some bf destroyers: why would you possibly travels without your bf and so on... I probably could have had her but, her friend and my wing were not hitting it off, so we bailed.

    Went to a different night club which was all local students, less than half my age. We stood out like sore non-hungarians and kept getting blown out in under 20 seconds. So we had fun with it by seeing how fast and hard we can get blown out.

    Very low energy in this town and I'm feeling drained. Not sure if its the setting, a little cold I have going on, or 5 weeks of madness that preceded this. Gotta keep pushing though.


    A few core realizations:

    Day/Street Game: I can walk backwards or forwards and talk AND hook after 100feet. Just fucking roll with it. Wine festival gaming was crap but damn..... I did this tuff at 11pm and 4 am and boom!

    This stuff is new: I can stand there with a girl who speaks no English and feel totally comfortable saying nonsense in her ear. Hasn't led to too much aside from tensions, but holly crap!!!! I could never do anything remotely close to this ever before.

    SO the feeling that I have about my game being stuck is off.... These things ARE happening. The damn is building up

    Met a cute Bengali/London girl on the train to the baths. Good stuff, cause one of my aspirations is to be able to meet women on the NYC subway. I do go crazy for brown women ...It was definitely light and playful until I told her very deep relizations and aspirations that have congealed over last few weeks. I felt her really take interest in me and immediately grabbed her and took her for a swim in the pool. Next escalation was when I led her around the bathhouse, which she did not at all explore. THAT felt natural. I was genuinely shocked that she has not explored the place and felt that it was my responsibility to show her. It was an authentic and decisive move and she did not resist. Even her friend, whom we eventually dubbed the Swedish ice queen did not resist it. That is what I need to keep doing. I would keep bumping into these two for the next two nights, my Bengali girl having to fight a strong attraction for me and “loyalty” to her dominating friend. It was after I completely gave up on her when she started demanding that other rock-stars in the club, come find me and bring me to her. She is now back in London back we;re still talking.

    Last Budapest day/night

    Last thing first. Cute Ukrainian girl at the airport.... I felt complete disarmament of whatever the fucked up mechanism is that I have to overcome before I open every time. Why do I still have 50 thoughts cross my mind before I open. I mean....I talk to at least 15 women every day. AT LEAST. I;ve never met any of them and every time its positive. Why is that filter still there. Not sure, but the important thing is that at that instant in the middle of List Budapest airport, that filter was gone. And I had a 30 minute charged and revealing talk with this girl about her,me and the way she crushes men her life. I felt detached from the outcome and that gave me so much freedom to talk about whatever. She kept asking me to leave and I wouldn't. It was quality stuff

    Last night at Fogas. Awesome night drinking with the boys and one of my best friends who lives in Budapest. Took real long time to lube up and warm up, especially since the crowd was sparse and not terribly attractive. Small blondie from Poland was a quality game but with a frustrating end. Felt my body. Was keeping fairly still and went real deep with her. It really felt like it was on. I think she realized that we were gonna fuck and freaked out and pushed me away with “I need a husband etc” . I used strong grip to bring her in whenever I felt that I needed her to feel that I was controlling the interaction. And I did not pull with my hand but rather with my body and then would throw her at me instead of throwing me at her. Need to replicate that and play around with it. Especially in Sweden, where women love that energy. After she pushed me away, I kept rolling on and hooked up with a 21 year old Dutch girl in under two minutes. Yes I can do that. I felt my masculinity and stillness around all women at the club yesterday. I was a bit drunk and unfortunately I have to admit that Alcohol helped.

  8. #178
    Join Date
    Aug 2017

    Stockholm Diary #1

    Stockholm – land of the blondes… last city, last language, last currency, last culture, last climate zone, last country… well, for the official part. I’ll definitely keep travelling for another few months to soak in more of the atmosphere, catch up on every item on my backlog, keep practicing game, keep conditioning my new self-image, keep reinventing me, keep collecting reference experience… and most of all keep growing in every imaginable way possible…

    First night in Stockholm was a little piece of planned down-to-earth time. As the hotel would be ready only the night after, we decided to go as cheap and basic as possible and went to a Hostel with 8 guys in bunk beds per room… definitely made us appreciate the luxury of our others squats even more… and was an interesting experience especially for those among us used to 5-star hotels, 1st class flights and chauffeurs… sleeping in tiny beds and everyone needing earplugs because the Don snores like a friggin’ machine…

    Girls here are really incredibly hot. Half of them are tall and blonde, and Tinder is literally a model casting… I wonder whether that will end up scaring me or making it easier to approach super-hot girls – because when there’s just so many of them, being blown out by one is much less of a big deal… I definitely need better pics for Tinder, I definitely need to bring my A game, I definitely need to bring all my confidence and boldness and I most definitely need to work on my day game… astonishingly enough, with Swedish people being so famous for being friendly and open, literally every girl walking down the street alone is wearing headphones and several people have already told me that it is next to unfathomable for Swedes to just walk up to a random stranger in broad daylight to talk to them… all the better, because then the mere fact of doing that conveys boldness already and we can focus our daygame on banter and relatability and have the subcoms sort themselves out without having to focus too much on them…

  9. #179

    Road Trip / Immersion Reflection

    Before the trip I hadn’t given the immersion period much thought; I sort of understood it was a time to bond, but assumed it was also time for the instructors to rest and to tend to their businesses/lives/girlfriends. In fact I wanted the instructors to join us – I figured Vegas was a huge period of growth because we had the instructors there to mould us in the quickest way possible and give constant feedback. But boy was I wrong. I think I grew the most during the road trip.

    Vegas was an amazing environment for growing by drinking from a firehose and doing what you were told, trusting the process. In Vegas, you’re pretty much guaranteed to change your life if you do what you’re asked. The road trip is a completely different story. It’s like the training wheels have been taken off and we’re left to our own devices to continue the journey in terms of our inner dialogue, relationships with ourselves and each other, and our communication skills. We all felt the wobbles of the road without the training wheels, some more than others, but the way this experience bonded us as a group far exceeded anything I could have imagined beforehand.

    We first headed through Cologne, Germany, on our way to Mykonos, and sitting in airports seemed to bond us more than most of what we did together in Vegas. Mykonos was insane, hitting it hard 12-14 hours per day (or more), and talking to the hottest women I’ve ever seen. Then Budapest was another complete change of pace, a lot more normal, and gave me the opportunity to think about what I want to make of my life after Rockstar. During our travels we had the opportunity to bond, help each other, show each other they way, fight, sort out our differences, make up, choose our own adventure, direct our own growth and development, and take responsibility for ourselves. The immersion period really is genius.

    The person sitting here in Sweden writing this, is different to the person that left Mykonos for Budapest, and he’s completely different again from the person that left Vegas. My feedback in the final debrief was that the rest of my growth is going to come from getting to that inner place where I honestly believe I’m a gift to those I choose to interact with. It’s the deeply held inner belief that I’m doing you a favour by talking to you, and not in an arrogant way, but rather one from a place of knowing my worth. I’ve been writing my accomplishment list every day, and adding to me ‘why I’m great list’, and slowly I’ve been realising I’m a pretty fucking amazing person. That’s huge for me to say, for someone who’s spent their entire life being hard on myself and downplaying everything, never being proud of myself. I’m not sure when I finally switched over internally to believing I’m a gift and I’m enough, but I realised I had made it there during the first bonding day in Budapest. And that’s an incredibly powerful place to be coming from when you’re living your life, and interacting with people. I’m still working on many things, like relating to people better, being less intimidating, being less directive and coming off less arrogant (I’ve often felt people see me as arrogant, aloof or dismissive, but that’s not I’m coming from). There’s still times I doubt myself or think I haven’t progressed much, haven’t changed, and I think I have no game, but I realise this is just my brain being my brain. Thanks brain; the more I catch it, the less it happens. After all, once Rockstar ends it’s up to me to continue the positive growth curve from within.

    I had so many other learnings during the trip. I built an extremely strong connection with a beautiful soul, and reached a place where I’m comfortable giving and receiving love without putting up walls or being worried about hurting or being hurt. I got a glimpse into the man I can be, the life I can live, and a experienced a sliver of what’s possible in life. For a long time I’d taken the figurative red pill, but now I’m seeing what’s possible in a world outside the matrix that is normal life. I l’m living with passion. I’m waking up every day with the fire to make my life and the lives of those around me the best they can possibly be. I saw the incredible power I have with my intensity and presence when I’m in that rock solid masculine place. I learned that language is almost not required; some basic words and Google translate will suffice. I grew closer with my friends than I ever thought I would, having gotten to know people that I never imagined I’d be close to or vibe well with. I’m working out what all these people and experiences mean to me, and them working out what I mean to them. We’re seeing the best parts of each other and learning the subtleties of how to help each other become the best we can be (perfect timing for circle of truth). I’ve gotten to a place where I’m always ‘on’; I’m just me and it works. I’m finally at a place where I need next to no validation from anyone, certainly not from anyone I’ll meet in a bar for 5 minutes or a few hours.

    I know I’ve still got a long way to go, and Sweden is going to be a whole new chapter. I’m feeling a lot of trepidation going in, currently in a wave of self doubt as I’m not sure where the growth will come from. I know I want to double down on becoming a better friend to the guys around me, and giving more to them. These guys mean so much to me, I’d do literally anything for them, so I keep finding myself in my head worrying they might not like me or don’t want to spend time with me – it’s probably absurd and they’ve got their own stuff going on, but it’s the pattern I’m catching. Progress with women is secondary for me. I feel like people look to me like I’m further ahead on the journey with women, but I feel like I haven’t changed and the feelings of being ‘a fraud’ creep back in. But at least I’m catching it. I read on one of the other Rockstars blogs the perfect way to put it; I’m sure I’m growing but I’m just standing too close to the mirror to see it. I cant wait to see what the next three weeks has in store.

  10. #180

    immersion reflection.

    when applying for project rockstar, i was not sure if i would be able to make it to this 2 week immersion period of the program. i had a feeling i’d have to go back to my home country to get visas and make it just in time for the final three weeks in Sweden. i’m glad all worked out and i was able to be part of everything. and my god it was amazing. by far the best two weeks of my life with the best people i could have ever asked for.

    as a group we decided to go to two cities, following the traditions of previous classes. but that’s where we ended the traditions. i volunteered to take charge of the party planning for Mykonos, our first destination. i had a detailed google sheet created with every night of outing accounted for and how much it would cost. from the time we were in vegas we had a idea that Mykonos will be on the expensive side and that’s one of the reasons we chose to do Budapest as the second location to offset the higher costs of Mykonos.

    simply put, Mykonos was just magical for me. here is where i learned and grew most so far. from exploring my masculinity, to being soft a vulnerable and having a such a deep impacting connection with a quality girl within hours of just meeting her. i experienced it all. having full control on our actives was no east task. i loved doing it and more so because it was not only for me but for a group of guys who i truly love and care for. that just made it so much special. i would plan day time parties and as we got the hang of it by the third day, we were going hard at night at the same time, with multiple tables per day in different clubs and beach parties. we were truly loving the rockstar lifestyle. there was a point when we would get snap chats from our instructors just having dinners in vegas, which was cool and in nice spots, but at the same time were having the best lamb chops we've ever had, over looking the Mediterranean waters, in Greece, partying our hearts away.

    in the process i met some really great people who i call friends. some are actually owners of the clubs we were at and one in particular would come out to party with us. through him i met countless models and i really used to being around gorgeous women. this intern helped me talk to and very casually flirt and other things with this 10/10 bottle girls and hostesses. there have been a few times where these girls would get so carried away that the bouncers or manages would come to break the tension and more the girl away from me, politely, of course, and distract her and get her back to work. it took me some time to realize what my new normal in Mykonos as become and it was just blown away. and this wasn't it. two days before leaving, i had the chance to meet a famous Hollywood movie star. a real big name. the situation was such that in a very short time at her villa, everyone just left and i was there with her all alone for more than an hour. she is a great person to talk to and we quickly went into a deep conversation, followed by her coming to our yacht to hang out with us, and again the next day, our last day to see me at the club we were at and later than night i was back in the villa to spend the night and then hurrying to pack my bags and making it to the airport on time for our flight to Budapest. wow i’m still in disbelief. as i’m writing to you i can disclose that we are still texting. lets see what happens next.
    next stop was Budapest. and i had mentioned to the guys that i needed a day or two off and some quiet alone time to myself to soak in Mykonos and write down and just contemplate of what i had accomplished there. i had to do this to realized who i’ve become and who i really am and how i need to embrace all this and move on in this epic journey. one of a life time for sure. the rest of the immersion as heavily spent on us all getting together and doing multiple group activities and just bonding like brothers. i can now say i have several new brothers and just this bond will make Sweden so much more fun. i've seen glimpse of how just us having fun attracts so much attention and what the possibilities really are.

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