Longer story - but with TL:DR.

Greetings from a 31 year old male

Ok, so my ex broke up with me in the beginning of May. We managed to be together for approximately 8 month. I would like you to tell me if you think I got a shot and what to do in the situation and other situations I present to you. Thanks.

English is my second language, but I hope you’ll be able to understand me nonetheless.

Firstly, I want to tell you that it was HER who picked ME up back in the day. I made the first approach, but it was her who hooked me up on FB, asked for my phone-number, asked me out on a date etc. She was crazy about me. When I finally asked if she wanted a relationship, she almost cried of joy.

Secondly, I want to tell you that I will give you a bit of background-story and info so you may be better at giving me the right advice. If you want to jump directly to the “how do I get her back?” section, scroll down to the “TL;DR” version.



In the relationship, I always stood my ground. There was no doubt that I was in charge. However, due to her quiet nature, I think it became a problem, since we never had fights. She was too afraid of confrontations with me (even if I was not in any way a dictator, I simply displayed will and dominance), therefor when she dropped hints and shared more or less what she wanted, I didn’t take it as serious as she would have liked me to do, I think. I truly believe that is one of the big reasons why she broke up: I basically more or less made her dreams about the present and the future seem irrelevant. It’s a longer story.

There is no doubt that I became more and more dull in the relationship. I didn’t really focus on my studies, I hanged with her most of the time – basically I fell into the spiral of relationship-comfort. I became a bit too needy, a bit too insecure, and I showed it. I’m pretty good at manipulation and to hide my true intentions, but I still think my indirect questions about me “being good enough” became a bit too much.

However, there is a reason for my growing insecurities and neediness in the relationship. Sure, all my life I struggled with accepting myself, and I also carried some of the baggage into the relationship. But…. Have you guys ever seen the videos on YouTube about toxic relationships and what signs to look for if she is a good partner?
The women there always seem hysterical, bitter and passive-aggressive. I had the complete opposite problem: She was dull. Boring. It was not only that. She was so bad at communication on almost every level. We never had ping-pong conversations, she never took up any subject, she could not show any enthusiasm what so ever – and she zoned out like crazy, all the time. She never expressed how she felt and even to share with me simple things about her day when she came home… nothing. Not over the dining table, not when we were doing dishes. It drained me from energy.
You know how some women when they are angry they give you the “silent-treatment”? Yeah that is how it felt. Almost all the time. She did not even have hobbies for crying out loud! Others have noticed it as well, and for some it drove them crazy apparently.

Anyway, back on track…

I think it is important to mention that all throughout the relationship, she wanted me to come over. Sometimes I asked, but mostly she was the one contacting me. Even the month before the breakup, she was seeking me through text, telling she loved me, send me cute messages, went out for dinner etc.. So even if we kept a bit distance, she continued to contact me wanting me to come over.

Maybe I should thank her. Now I’m back on track with my studies, I got a job, I lost 10 kilos I always wanted to lose, I work out. Almost everything has actually improved in my life.

TL;DR: GF broke up in May, we had issues, I would like to try getting her back.

Let me now share with you what kind of mistakes I’ve been doing since May, trying to get her back. Yes, I have indeed broken the “no contact rule”. You guys tell me if I screwed up for good or if I still got a shot… (if you scroll down, you'll see what I think about doing)

- After we broke up (was quite a lot of tears and sadness from both sides), I contacted her the next day. We met on good terms. She seemed cold and a bit distance, said she didn’t feel the same way for me. It ended up in tears – from my side….

- Then some days later I had to pick up stuff from her apartment, I played it cool, and she cried, said she still had feeling for me. I said I felt the same, I went home.

- Time went by, it was up and down with text-messages – but surely, I was the one trying to pursuit her.

- I really can’t keep track of it all anymore, however one day she texted me back on an SMS where I asked if she wanted to go to the movies. There she said “Thanks, but I think it is a good idea we both move on”. I did not text back. Later, like some weeks later with no contact both ways, I send a long ass e-mail. Dudes, it was like 8 pages. I did not beg her to come back directly, however I tried to answer every single concern she had shared with me about getting back together. Two days later I got the text: “Thanks for the mail, but I don’t see a future together. I have moved on, and I hope you will as well.”

- I didn’t text back and have not contacted her since. That was about 7 weeks ago.

Something interesting happened though 4 weeks back, after having no contact for 3 weeks…

My city isn’t huge, about 50000 people live here, and the community both me and her is a part of is Christian. Yes, we met at church. Think “open church”, with energy and live-music. Google “Hillsong United” and you get an idea.

There was a camp here in my city, quite huge actually, where Christians from all over the country gathered for a week full of activities, sermons, singing etc. I knew she would be there, so I almost stayed away. I didn’t. I showed up. And I looked my best: new haircut, awesome clothes, lost 10 kilos, you name it.

Me and my best friend stood at a place when she came by, I could see on her reaction she saw me. She acted confused and weird. It stung my heart to see her, so me and my friend moved away from the area. But when we came back, we saw her again. This time I looked straight at her and she acted like a deer caught in the headlights. She walked over to me, said a very soft and quiet “heeey” then tried to give me a hug – however I didn’t want to. Ofcourse I was not a jackass, I did put my arm around her, but I didn’t fully hug-hug her.

After that, I sometimes saw her on camp. I saw her looking at me with huge eyes as she was walking by. Sometimes, when I saw her and she didn’t see me, I could see she looked sad and confused. Quite beaten down actually.

She saw me happy, talking with people as if I had moved on. I could see it made her sad and frustrated.

- Now, on camp, I did some mistakes. Some stupid mistakes. When me and my friend saw her the first time at where we were standing – when I saw her I said to her friend “it hurts to see her”.

- Second mistake I did was to talk to another friend of hers (a married dude much older than her) about it all, telling him I missed her and so on.

- I later found out through a friend I have that she was some days later downtown with him and some others where she told the married dude how “immature” she thought I was and how she felt that I could not give her what she needed etc.

What I'm planning to do...:

So now I’m here. 4 weeks without any form of contact since the camp, many weeks after the break-up.

Do I still have a shot?

And if I have, well, this is my plan, tell me if it sucks or not:

The church in my city has two sermons doing Sundays. She always attend at evening – not so many people, good coffee. We usually went together, I like the place, but due to our situation, I could not stand going. It isn’t a big church, quite small actually, so in other words: if I come, she will notice. The sermons (and thereby she going there) will start again next Sunday and I plan to come.

Bad idea?

- And what should I do/not do? It would be stupid not to nod at her with a smile if we get eye contact. Right?

- Should I make her see me like.. I have borrowed this book from the pastor I want to return, so it is a good excuse to walk up to him, knowing she will see me. Should I do that, then walk down just looking at her smiling and give a nod?

- Should I, if possible, if she sits near the aisle, as I walk to the pastor, softly touch her shoulder and give a smile to her?

- After the sermon, should I hang out and get some coffee or should I leave, pretending to be busy elsewhere?

- If I hang, should I make contact with her or wait to see if she makes contact with me and then if she doesn’t, don’t do it myself?

- Should I place myself at the table she is sitting at if she is sitting together with people I as well sometimes talk to?

- IF she comes up to me and starts talking, what should I say/shouldn’t say?

In other words.. any advice?