Need help ex girlfriend hates my guts

Hey guys I really need some advice right now. Well I'm a 21 male and she's a 24 female. We've been on and off for awhile now. Mostly ending things with me about I swear 10 times. If we get into an argument and she's losing she'll say "I'm done". Past two months she's been saying she has bad mental issues but I ignored it. Mostly if we don't get her way in a fight or in general. She'll end it with me. Then I'll be apologizing for a week winning her back. It's dumb but I do love her and I do mess up at times.

This time it's bad. I know this will make me sound like an asshole which I know I am. But when we drank together it ruined us she told me the same. I called her mean words every time she does something that bugs me or flirts with another guy. Did it three times now when I'm blacked out. I called her a slut and trash. Told me I treat her like more then gold sober but bad when I'm drunk. She's the same way though. So here's my story.

We've been ex's for about 2 months now but we're still "together". Just wants change from me and I'm doing so.
I realized I become an asshole whenever I drank. She knows this too I told her I need to change and asked her to change with me to support me. But whenever we drank and went out together she'll do something like let a group of guys buy her drinks all night, act flirty to them. One time I talked to a girl and hugged one. So she went off kissing guys cheeks, holding guys hands, putting her arms around their necks. Etc. To get back at me. She's my ex at this time but we still are together practically. That makes me really jealous I told her that, it messes with my head and makes me insecure and an asshole. But she does it to egg me on purpose, to get a reaction from me. Because she knows it's a big issue. So when she does this I can't stop thinking in my head of the worst when I'm drunk, like she's off doing stuff like that. Cause everytime were out lately, she's out to make me mad. Cause we'll get into a fight beforehand. I know her. But she doesn't care.


I stopped drinking for awhile now but she started to go hangout with her girlfriend, drinks and such. Cause she thinks I'm lying when I hangout with my friends saying I'm off drinking. Which I definitely am not. So I decided to have a beer or two after she drinks. Something small nothing crazy. Since I know I turn into an asshole. But she always doubted me. Im currently doing everything for our relationship, she doesn't care as much for me anymore. Cause said I'm the bad guy. I'm trying so I mean so hard for her to work on myself, never hangout with my guy friends again, never drink to make her feel happy and to do better for myself. I don't want to lose her. Told me just yesterday she realizes she's being a bad friend, best friend, ex/girlfriend to me. She knows it feels like she doesn't love me anymore, I feel this every day but I still fight for her. She does love me as she says. We talk everyday, hangout a lot, she's been depressed lately and I'm here for her. Told me she lacked support for me and doubted me too much.

So on going with having a beer or two. My friend of mine and his girlfriend is friends with her. So they go out to drink at their house. Now he sends me a picture to be an asshole of him her and my ex with another guy. She has her arms around him, all tugged up close and smiling. He sends it to me on purpose. That killed me. Never been that hurt before. Now I start drinking heavily. Told her over text if you're to get guys I misewell get girls . Jokingly. I stopped cause I knew I would be become an asshole. My words were always words. But she gave me action.

She's out dancing with these guys all night I mean not grinding but dancing. I dropped it and ignored it all. Didn't want to be crazy. After we all went to my friends place for after drinks and she was there with her girlfriends. She came up to me saying I'm a fucking asshole, get out of my life you're a piece of shit, loser. Many mean words, she never went that rank to me before. Told her to just leave with this guy and go home, all like "yeah I misewell I don't care anymore or about you anymore". Random girl comes up to me and says hey you look sad want a shot? my ex comes flipping on me saying more and more stuff. Trying to fight her, and my ex never fights.


By the end of the night I texted my group chat of all my friends. Which was cowardly of me to do, asshole and immature of me. Went pure beta on her. I know. I'm a very nice guy sober it kills me I said this stuff. But said sloots gunna sloot. I don't deal with this slut anymore. Can't believe her, if she's out acting trashy then I'll treat her like one. What a fucking slut guys. I'll just go fuck hotter then her. Dumb as fuck for me to say. Then I said free nudes. But I clearly didn't send anything, I'm not that rank. Then I went to sleep. Reading that brings tears to my eyes.

Now she found out my friend sent her my messages, says she hates me despises me. Wants to never talk to me again, says you're a little boy haha I can do whatever I want now. Etc.. now I spammed her phone of apologies. As she did to me about realizing she's being a bad girlfriend. The day before. Until she found this out. I did my best apologies. Did what I did, her knowing my jealous issues and egging it on. To hear me out and message me back. She knows what jealously and alcohol does to me.

She's suicidal and very lonely lately. Told me she doesn't know how long she got left before she ends it, she tried before not to long ago. I'm scared she might do something bad. But she's not replying to my messages. I need to talk to her. It's only been 12 hours now but I sent her like 18 messages. I mean it's a lot but it's me fighting for her. When she does something wrong I get like 88 messages. What should I do guys? Give her space and time, give up? Or wait it out. I just want her to say a word to me so I know she's okay.

I feel like shit for what I did. I want to hear from her, know she's not doing anything dumb. To explain my dumb self, even looking on counselling if I get drunk and my emotions flares up causes me to be verbal abusive. I never been that type of guy before, that's pathetic of me I can't even control my own emotions. But I don't know if it's her doing it to me? I feel like it is, but why would she do that? Egg me on, flare me up. Get me jealous? Thoughts?

Thank you guys. Anything will help