Starting out: Going solo to bars

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  1. Starting out: Going solo to bars

    So I've been following this site and watching a lot of Youtube on how to pick up girls, and I spent the last few days at a family wedding where I was able to socialize and introduce myself to girls and it all went pretty good. I didn't pull but I put myself out there and just talked and it wasn't bad.

    Now I'm looking to go out to bars, but I'm really nervous and wanted to ask for any advice for noobs like me. I moved to this small town a year ago and I don't have any friends so I'll be dressing up in a button-down, doing my hair, and showing up at a bar solo. I don't want to be sitting there bored, but I'm nervous about going up to people and just talking. Does anyone have any tips for someone starting out solo?



  2. Ok, so I went out the first night by myself. I sat at the bar and engaged in small talk with the bartender. I looked around, sipped my beer with a smile on my face, and checked my phone. Eventually some guy sat next to me so I said hey and we talked. No homo but we exchanged numbers and said we should be each other's wingmen when he comes back to town.

    Tonight I went out again by myself. I realized it's good to strike up a conversation with whoever's next to you even if it's a guy, because it gets you warmed up and social proof yadda yadda. So tonight I sat next to this guy and said hey, but he was not outgoing. So when he left I moved a couple seats over and said hey to this other guy and we striked up a conversation. I mention these guys because it's nerve wracking going out solo for the first time, and it helps to meet guy friends who can be wingmen or a "home base." This guy was cool and we decided to approach a two-set next to us. We hit it off and i was flirting with the girl, escalating, eye contact, it was going well. I was rocky in my interaction and I explained to her I just moved to town, didn't know anyone, and was going out to meet friends. She was totally cool about it. Eventually I go out for a smoke by myself, which wasn't so bad, but when I came back my wingman was talking to her, and in my noobie mentality I decided to "play it cool" and approach a new girl. The first set left, and honestly, I could've gotten some sort of close from her, but I'm still learning. The new set went ok. I was warmed up and much more chill, but she went outside with her friend and I didn't know what to do. I waited a couple minuts and followed them out, but I chatted up the group outside so I wouldn't be clingy. Then I went in, closed my tab, and randomly asked her for her number. She said she had a boyfriend and I just told her to have a good night. Honestly I didn't expect a number but I wanted to make the move for a reference experience.

    If there's one thing I learned, it's to trust your instinct and not think too much. With the first set I said whatever popped in my head and she was coaching me, telling me "you should do this," "I admire you going out alone," kind of giving me social tips. On the surface she was critiquing me, but she was also keeping eye contact, touching me, showing me signs of interest. As long as you have the balls to put yourself out there I guess it works. I also should've gone back to her after my smoke break, because deep down I knew she wanted me and not my wingman. But I "played it cool" and acted like I had an abundance of girls and opened another set. I think the second set watched me with the first and was turned off by me switching girls, like a beta move or something.
    Next time I'll be much more confident and more willing to follow my instincts.

    For beginners who have to go out to bars alone, my advice is go out with a social attitude. Say hi to people on the streets, and when you get to the bar don't be afraid to just say hi to people. I introduced myself to guys first because it was easier, but it ended up with me having a wingman. It's actually really easy to do this. Worst comes to worst, just go to the bar, sit down at the bar, and introduce yourself to whoever sits next to you.

  3. I went out tonight, and it wasn't a great experience but I got some references. I walked up to the bar and there were people smoking outside so I opened a three set of 5'ss; they weren't hot but I wanted to warm up and talk to anybody. I was really nervous because I was solo and had high expectations; I was compliant, a yes-man, basically a nervous guy getting through a conversation. Eventually they went inside and I was still smoking so I introduced myself to this guy and he was cool. I went inside and sat at the bar. I was still really nervous so I decided to people watch. I realized I'm much more into people watching since I've heard of game. The cutest two-set in the bar was talking to this guy with a beard and black t-shirt -not like me, in a polo button-down and gelled hair- and I saw the conversation die down and they were just standing near each other. It made me happy to think that he ran out of things to say, because I know when I -do- open sets, I can talk with no problem. After analyzing I realize I could've opened this set but I was really nervous to approach a two-set when they seemed to be part of a crowd. I'll probably watch some RSD on opening groups/mixed sets.

    I went outside to smoke again and had no problem opening a mixed set outside. I realize it's a lot easier for me to open in the "cigarette crowd" than it is for me going solo inside the bar. I even yelled out to this cutie leaning against a wall, saying something like, "hey, you, girl who's hiding, come and talk." She came over and I mixed sets and it was fun. I didn't have an agenda with this girl because I saw her sitting with a guy, and honestly that's what made it so easy for me.

    This was a rough night for me, and when I went back inside I sat next to a two-set, again scared to approach without a wingman. Some solo guy opened them, his body language was weak but hey, he opened, so I gotta give him props. I could tell one girl of the set wanted me to open, but by this point I was too much in my head. I closed my tab and left, honestly glad it was over.

    This night was a failure on the surface, but I learned some valuable lessons from it. The most valuable lesson I learned is that when I open girls who are around a 5, or girls I have no agenda with, I'm suave and cool and normal. It's only when I see a cute girl and think about game that I get nervous. I also realized that my fear prevents me from opening groups or mixed sets, even though I -know- it's not hard. I'm kinda drunk and tired, and I don't wanna promise myself anything, but in the future I need to just open cute girls. Groups are a sticking point for me...I know it's not hard, but it's really nerve wrecking. Maybe my wingman will be available next time I'm out, or maybe I can find another one; game is a lot easier with a support system. My biggest obstacle right now is cute girls and groups. I will watch some RSD on this and hopefully my inner game will improve and I can face my fears.

  4. Tonight I went out again and I really hit it off, by beginner's standards. One thing that was really bugging me from last night was how nervous I was. I was freaked out about going out because I was placing a lot of pressure on myself, and I was constantly self-judging throughout the night. So to take care of this I watched some RSD videos on fear and how to be grounded, and I Googled something about getting over nervousness. As a result I wrote a meditation on nervousness which was VERY helpful, and you can read it here: http://www.theattractionforums.com/s...d.php?t=183560.

    Since I was in a meditatve mindset and getting over my nervousness I was able to get in state. I was in a good mood, open, sociable, everything I wanted to be. I was even able to conquer my two sticking points from last night-cute girls and groups. At the first bar I opened a cute girl who was with a mixed set and it went well, but it turned out she was a lesbian who was there with her fiancee. The second set I opened two girls at the same time and it went well.
    The problems I had with these sets was that I lost motivation. I was able to open, hold their attention for the first minute or so, and I could've talked their ears off if I really wanted. But eventually I lost the desire to continue the conversation. In the case of the first set I may have been turned off by the fact that she was a lesbian, and in the second set I couldn't figure out if they were into me or just being polite. I was making small talk, not really polarizing, not spiking emotions, and honestly I may have just bored myself and thus concluded I was boring the girls.
    My next step is probably going to be working on technique. I will watch RSD videos on flirting, spiking emotions, and hooking. I just watched one of Todd's videos on gaming in state v.s. working on technique. He said that being in state is good because it gives you good nights that show you what's possible; this is definitely true since I had little approach anxiety, and I was able to open cute girls in groups/mixed sets. However I want to improve and be able to hook girls, maybe even get a number, makeout, or close. I will definitely look forward to practicing technique, and I will also work on my nervousness meditations to improve my inner game.

    Cheers, I feel positive about tonight.

  5. #5

    Are you qualifying at all? One of the main points of the qualifying stage is to find a girl who attracts you, so you ask questions about things you're genuinely interested in. If you're talking about a topic that you're interested in, that might help get you around the lost desire to continue a conversation.

  6. What do you mean qualifying stage? Do you mean genuinely looking for a common ground to build a connection? I was playing around with my online game tonight and realized this is key. Next time I go out I will ask about meditation, history, or something else I'm interested in. Or by qualifying do you mean something else?
    And since you mention it, in the second set the girl I wanted was physically attractive, but she had this dark/emo outfit on that didn't seem my type. That very well could've turned me off. In the future I'll probably still hit on girls that don't seem my type, because I live in a small town, but I will also dig for common ground.

  7. Wow, ok, so I don't even know where to begin. First off I'm happy as f*ck and in one of the best moods of my life.

    This morning I woke up thinking about game and I delved right into it. I finally looked up RSD Alex and this was a breakthrough in my game. Alex and I are very similar in that we both went to prep school and are both very preppy. Beyond this our style of socializing is very similar, and his videos resonated with me far more than any other RSD instructor. For the first time, the RSD videos clicked. Specificially, his video on non-stop talking helped me out A LOT. He said to practice word associations where you think of a word or sentence, then think of a related word or sentence, and keep talking. I did this in my car on the way to the laundromat and I HIT UP the girl at the laundromat, full on set. I was IN THE ZONE by practicing this maneuever Alex taught me. I asked the girl when she got off work but she played me off and I was ok with it, and when I picked up my laundry she was still friendly. She's a cutie, I might keep this one up I went to Starbucks after and HIT THE CASHIER UP I couldn't believe it. My family was trying to figure out what happened to me. I have to Stop and say-find an RSD instructor you resonate with; besides Max and Julien there are older ones like Ozzie and Alex. Honestly Owen finds different 'types' and hires them, and if you can find one you resonate with you will be able to click into their lessons and find a way that works for you. Total breakthrough, and it was also due to going out and putting in the effort/rejections, but rejectiosn don't even count. Honestly every 'failed' set is open to a future pull as long as you're not a total creep/f*ckwad, and if you are then I recommend working on inner game and small time socializing like asking cashiers if they were busy today; that's how I got started.

    ANYWAY, tonight I hit up the bar solo. I've come a long way since my first post and going solo is SO much more rewarding than going with friends. Friends are cool, but step out of your comfort zone and go out solo at some point. If you have some experience like TheVader, then why not, right? If you're new, then read my first posts or ask for advice and I can help the best I can. Anyway, so I went out and the early part of the night was basic by now, just talking to the bouncer, talking to guys at the bar, my basic warm up routine. Solo guys at the bar are cool as f*ck because they're just like you, you know? So I meet this guy and we go bar hopping along the main drag, so much fun. I have to step in here and talk about self-amusement, which is somethign you hear on RSD a lot. If you do the warm up exercise Alex told me to do, you will practice self-amusment. Basically you don't give a f8ck about people's opinions and you do whatever you want. If you enjoy it, if you become your own best friend and do what makes you laugh or entertained, you are self-amusing. DON'T filter yourself, just be your inner self and say what's on your mind-that is self-amusment. So I weave through crowds with my arms spread out making airplane noises, and HOT GIRLS LOOK AT ME LIKE DAMN. I Yell in the bar, make a scene, play the uncontrollable alpha male and it WORKS. I need to practice my entitlement a little more because I got flustered by hot girls giving me attention, but I broke through in my game.

    So sets:

    I open a hot girl smoking outside. She has a boyfriend but I go with self-amusment and talk about things I like, which makes me animated and amusing, and this girl laughs and likes me and I sensed that she thought about cheating with me, just for a slit second but it was there. This was huge for me even though I didn't get anything; I don't care about anything now, except having fun and being MYSELF.

    I flirt with my new friends roomamte who are girls. They're ugly as f*ck sorry, I don't know if I would tell them this but it's true. I'm animated and talking and self-amusing and it WORKS. I'm not focused on results, just speaking my mind and saying whatever the f*ck I want, like how Tyler and Julien call girls dogs.

    I go to the bar and open a CUTE girl. She's in a mixed set but so what? I'm SELF AMUSING. We hit it off and I'm CONGRUENT when I ask her her number. I say "I don't care if you say yes or no but what's your number, we can grab coffee." I GET A NUMBER. It gets a little awkward after that but who cares? If I want to date her I'll text her and say "I don't care about you, I'm bored, let's grab coffee slut" or SOMETHING, as long as it's CONGRUENT. When you're self-amused it's a lost easier to be congruent (speaking your mind) and Girls LOVE THAT.

    So my new friend is asking me to come home and f8ck his roommate, and the bartender who I see alot asks me to go to this after party, and I am WORKING THE BAR, everyone wants a piece of me. I AM SELF-AMUSING AND CONGRUENT. WHO GIVES A F*CK. I go with my new friend and his roommates, the roommate is a dog ugly but I grab her ass and make out, I'm just happy to be getting some action. I get to the apartment and I GET THE TWO GIRL ROOMMATES TO SIT NEXT TO ME AND I HAVE MY ARMS AROUND BOTH OF THEM. Dogs but still. I ask "Have you two ever kissed each other" and it gets akward was f*ck so I bounce. I tell my guy friend cause you know, the girls might girl-talk behind his back, and he tells me I was too ambitious; chill f*ckin guy. So I walk home and DANCE IN THE INTERSECTION. The people in the car yell out at me and say, "let me get some of that," like a drug. IF HE ONLY KNEW IT WAS GAME. So I laugh almost the entire walk home- SELF AMUSEMENT-. Oh my God what a night.

    SO, for newbies, and by now I consider myself a "good newbie," just keep going out and working on your social skills. Don't work on "game," because that can be creepy, but work on your 'social skills,' and add some game whenever you DESIRE a woman. RSD Todd says game is like salt, a plate of it is disgusting but if you add some to a good steak it's delicous. DO NOT OVER GAME, just be social and throw in your game lessons when you DESIRE a woman, and over time your game will improve. I did not get laid but if you follow this thread you will see I AM IMPROVING. God, just a great night. I came home and saw a history book I'm reading- I love history (self amusement)- and I was happy. Next time I go out who knows what will happen.

  8. #8

    Good on you man, keen to hear more. Keep it coming.

    By qualifying I mean the 4th stage of Magic Bullets book. It might be called something different in the system you're using but essentially it's trying to suss out if the girl is the type of person you're attracted to (personality and intellect, not physically) and also gets her invested in you. The theory behind it is mix of work/reward, and cognitive dissonance. By asking questions like 'what's one thing you're good at' (if you've opened and transitioned well) it invites her to actually think and provide a good response. If she goes to the effort of giving you a good response then you reward her efforts by further asking about that thing, complement her about that thing, pull back and then move onto another qualifier. The cognitive dissonance comes in when during this step, if she's spending effort actually reflecting on herself and presenting a quality she prides herself on, then by affirming that you more or less demonstrate that you can see her 'worth' which in a chicks eyes is important. A female won't usually want to get with a guy who thinks she's easy. Mix up a few soft qualifiers (what music do you like, what do you do in your spare time) with harder ones like the above mentioned.

    However make sure you've establish attraction from her first. This is where most guys go wrong. If you start of by asking questions like this, searching for commonalities, it doesn't really do anything for you. However, doesn't sound like you're doing this.

  9. Ohh man, I don't know what happened tonight. I got blown out tonight for the first time and it totally threw my night into a tailspin. The first half of this is positive, but I'm writing from this blown-out/wtf perspective.

    So I went to this Irish Wake for dinner, which is a wake for a funeral except you drink and celebrate the person's life. I get there early by myself and put my solo game skills to use. I work the crowd, but there's only one 'approach' I make which is on this mixed set, the girl is cute and it goes ok but I run out of things to say and bounce-I was off my game is all, not really thinking. I work the crowd and it's ok, then I go to Starbucks and flirt the f*ck out of the cashier, she's not hot but not ugly either.

    So I get home and I'm feeling sick, it hurts when I swallow and I'm tired. I still decide to go out and I'm definitely low energy when I go out. So I get to the bar and it's magic. My warm-up routine is talking to guys so I introduce myself to a few guys and talk and it's going well, positive vibes. Then I sit down and talk to a two-set of 5's, which is a step-up in my routine. I sit down, I'm calm, perfectly composed, laser eye contact, I'm making good game. I feel like maybe it's dying down so I leave, but they seem regretful that I'm leaving, so I think 'ok, my game is actually kinda good.'

    Then comes the blowout. This is the defining moment of my night lol. It just totally f*cked with me but here's how it went down:

    I go outside and introduce myself to this guy smoking. I'm still warming up so I'm talking to all the guys and ugly girls I can. Then a couple cute girls come up and talk to him, they're all friends. These girls are pretty attractive by town standards, but they're not modeling for Victoria's Secret anytime soon. So basically I'm keen to see what I can do. I introduce myself and she's wearing a plaid shirt around her waist so I go off on Seattle grunge and how plaid was cool in the 90's, basically what pops into my mind, and I get her involved by making her the subject of conversation. So she goes inside and I don't feel any different.
    Then I go into the bar and end up standing near her and her friend. I get second thoughts about opening, and it definitely shows; like I could've opened right away but I hesitated. So I do open eventually, and by now the girl probably notices I hesitated. They completely ignore me, and I came on strong, like no fault with the open. I remember RSD Alex's 4x rule, which says you should try four times before giving up, so I'll give you a rundown of the set as best as I remember it:

    Me: So what are your names? (I already asked the one girl her name outside)
    Them: -Looks at me while talking, look back at each other and keep talking-
    Me: What are you guys up to tonight?
    Them: -look at me like wtf, a sh*t test, and they say something-
    Me: Are you from around here?
    Them: We're from California -in a sarcastic sh*t test tone of voice-
    Me: -I decide to f*ck around to counter their sh*t test- Oh I'm from San Diego, then I moved to LA and starred in some porn films (not true at all)
    Them: -They get up and go to the bathroom, and the friend says "Who was that? Who was that?" in a sh*t test tone of voice-

    It turns out she was asking their guy friend who was next to me. I end up talking to him and he's cool I guess, I'm not really in the mood by this point.

    So now my momentum is in a tailspin. I've NEVER gotten blown out like this. Technically I blew them out, becuase I kept my frame and did the 4x rule, and they left. I think it was RSD Alex or maybe someone else who said you should try to blow girls out rather than get blown out yourself and give up on the set. So I think I did ok by keeping the frame and not getting defensive in set, but I've never been rejected like this before. I've been told in RSD videos that this is not a big deal but it still f*cked with me.

    So I have no desire to work the bar anymore, I go outside more frequently for cigarettes, I talk to a few guys. Eventually I open this cute girl but I'm too downtrodden to use physical game early on, and anyway it turns out she's a lesbian (Da f*ck with me and lesbians?) And it goes OK, you know? We talk and I'm focused on the process more than closing and it's really not that bad of a set. Then I see one of the girls from a few nights ago (my friend's roommate) and I give her a hug and I empathize with her by saing "I'll give you a hug," and it goes ok. But eventually I leave and come home.

    So I'm gonna spend some time on RSD videos about getting blown out and handling rejection. Really I think it's good that I had this experience because it was the first time for me and I had to experience it sooner or later. I definitely wasn't expecting it when I went out tonight, but I think I did ok, and I'm gonna focus on learning from it, and next time I hope it won't f*ck with me as much.

  10. Reflections on game:

    So I've been reflecting on this blowout and after rereading my post I already feel much better. I realize I hesitated, aka 'questioned my value,' and girls sense weakness when that happens. Honestly I was weak at the moment, I was questioning my value because I had a crush on the one girl; if I got a conversation going I would've struggled and most likely would've walked away in no time flat.

    My lesson from this, what I've learned from RSD Alex, is that: "there is no reason you are not enough," "feel free to express yourself," and "you add value to the girls life." Basically what this means is that there's no reason you're not good enough for a girl. Sure you connect better with some than others, but on a basic level you can talk to anyone and socialize; it's only when you question this value that you come off as weak and fail. You can question this value and hesitate, like I did, or you can question it and try too hard to look cool, which also looks weak as f*ck. So when you just accept your neutral value that all humans have, and you approach a set, and you're CONGRUENT, then you can talk and flirt, escalate, and do your thing.

    I realized today that you can be in a "bad" mood and still be congruent and it works. This takes a lot of inner game and meditation, but if you can learn to master your thoughts and emotions, you can have a bad day and still be social. There is a lot of meditation stuff here with accepting your emotions and finding inner peace, but I went to the gas station today and told the attendant I had a terrible day and he actually laughed and I told him I was stuck in traffic for for hours, and the interaction was better than if I went in with a fake smile and said my day was good. I recommend Eckhart Tolle if you want to find this inner peace and learn to master your emotions.

    I was not self-amusing today because I wasn't overly cheery, but I made a deliberate attempt to be congruent even though I was having a "bad day," and it actually made my day be not bad. I really want to master this congruent/value/self-amusement aspect of game because I feel like it's SO important and so complex. Having this trifecta of congruent--value--self-amusement is the basis of true game, of true social skill. I've noticed that my most succesful interactions are when I use these three and add some physical game as well. Then of course comes logistics. I might meditate some more on this so I can approach girls I desire with the right mindset. I know now that if I slip out of congruency or value, it's best to get myself centered before I approach, or else I could get blown out again.

    I also realized it's good to have fun with your blowouts. I told the girls I was in porn when they went to the bathroom. Then I talked to their guy friend and the girl I crushed on sat next to me in my blind spot, and eventually I turned and happened to see her looking at me. We made eye contact, I said "eww" in a serious/playful tone, then slowly and deliberately turned my head back to her guy friend. Congruent--value--self-amusement.

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