Having some size troubles, and could use advice/suggestions

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  1. Having some size troubles, and could use advice/suggestions

    So my relationship of 4 years is kind of on the line right now...I'm a very sexual person, and my fiancÚ is not. She's ok with having a healthy amount of sex, which is why we've worked well so far, but we've realized we have a bit of a problem.

    It physically hurts her to have sex with me. She's a slightly more petite woman, and I'm...not exactly small. Normally I'd just say maybe we should call it if we're not sexually compatible, but there have been times when it doesn't hurt too, so I'm trying to figure out if there's anything I can do to make sure that it hurts as infrequently as possible.

    As it sits, I plan on trying a few different positions, being more gentle, and focusing on foreplay more, as well as using lube...but I'll take any extra advice or suggestions I can at this point.

  2. Being more gentle and focusing on foreplay more is going to reduce her pleasure from sex (even though it hurts her), which will long term lead to her not being "ok with having a healthy amount of sex".

    You haven't said that it's your girth or your length that's a problem here.

    If it's your length: that's easy to fix. It causes most women pain if you enter so deep that you hit their cervix, so you just have to find positions which are more shallow. (Hint: anything with her knees up / waist bent is bad, because that posture shortens her vagina, meaning you will hit the cervix if you are long - if her body is straight, this should normally be OK, also take a look at the position called 'Svengali' on this forum, there's a thread about it...)

    If it's your width: that's going to be a permanent problem. Though it's quite surprising, because most women can take a wide dick - after all, eventually a baby has to come out of there.... In this case the only thing you can do is make sure she is really wet before entering her - I'm sure you are doing that already. I had a very petite Persian/Indian girlfriend once who looked at me the first time I took my pants down and said "we're going to have a problem" but in the end it was always totally OK once she was wet enough. If you're using condoms, use a thin type like Mates Skyn - they have a blue variety with extra lube (or similar product in your country - this is what we have here in Europe, and they're good).

    Long term, people joke that as women get older they get looser, but in my experience that's not the case, they stay pretty much the same size - at least for next 20 years, I wouldn't know after that Having babies makes a difference assuming they don't have the baby by C section, but not as much as you might think, it also depends on how toned they are generally.

    If your girlfriend is very active physically - runner, gymnast, dancer, etc with strong core muscles - all that activity is probably going to make her tighter just due to general muscle tone in that area, so as the years go by your problem may reduce if she loses some of her fitness.

    Her monthly cycle can also make a significant difference, hormone levels affect a lot of stuff down there, like the amount of lubrication she makes, blood flow, sensation, maybe even the position of her bones (for some women, pubic bone / pelvis get softer and open out when hormone levels are high). You mentioned you two don't have problems sometimes, do you think it can be connected with her monthly cycle? Maybe keep a diary to figure it out, she might not know herself.


    Having said all that, personally, as an older man to a younger man, I would actually recommend you end this soon. (Obviously I'm a total stranger on an internet forum, so don't place too much weight on this... but maybe it's easier for me, as a stranger, to give you the objective advice that you truly need.)

    You say she is your fiance. Getting married will not magically fix any problems you currently have, if anything it will make them worse because you will realise you are trapped with them for the rest of your life, or very many years at least. Basically, are you happy to buy in to your current sexual problems long term? Your first sentence in your post suggested it's not just the pain thing, there is also a difference in levels of interest in sex. You need to think about your other girlfriends in the past, and why sex was better with them, and what about this girl is so much better than the others that you want to marry her.

    I would say sex is a very important part of marriage, maybe the most important after whether you can stand to live together in the same house. It's fundamental to marriage that you are committing to have sex with this partner and no other. So it's reasonable to expect the sex to be good, and dangerous to marry if you know the sex is problematic, because that is going to lead to long term unhappiness and frustration.

    Young guys aged 22-32 often think when they have their first serious girlfriend "this is the one, therefore I should marry her". It's the same scarcity mentality that causes beta guys to settle with average girls. Guys who think like this are not taking into account that, if you don't marry this girl, they will eventually feel that way about someone else, and probably sooner than they think. Every girl aged around late 20s, early 30s who isn't married yet is thinking all the time about who she might marry, the focus of her social life is on almost nothing else, so naturally if you are dating a girl who is that age and your relationship is generally going wwell, it's going to seem to her, to her family and your family and friends, that you two should get married. Early marriage is not necessarily the best thing for the guy.

    We guys are not under the same pressure to marry. In the modern era we can have very satisfying relationships from let's say our age 25 to 40 without having to get married at all, you can live together with a girl and have all the benefits of a stable relationship without the long term commitment of marriage and kids. This also means you have more choice. I'm now in my 40s. If I think about my most dominant guy friends - the ones my female friends mostly found most attractive - the three most dominant all had a series of good relationships through their 20s and 30s, then all married around the age of 40, marrying a girl who was typically 8-10 years younger, very very attractive, very attracted to her husband, because she also felt she had a 'catch' who no other woman had succeeded in landing. All three now have very stable, happy marriages, they are also able to keep the correct amount of dominance in their marriage because of being older and going into the relationship on that basis, so their wives are very content, you never see these couples arguing etc or having the kind of shit other couples have. Also generally these guys who marry older have more money by the time they marry - for example they bought a house 10 years ago and they have paid off half the mortgage already - so they don't have the financial problems that families with young kids usually have.

    Of course these things also depend on your culture, your own family, your personal values etc.

  3. #3

    Use more lube with her especially if she likes anal or wants to try new positions. The more wet you make her the better it will be and less it will hurt for her.

  4. #4

    Encourage her to solve the problem, you are her couple, not her dad, so, if she hurts, she must learn her body and lead you to the prelude, positions, etc.
    I do not agree with the other answers, it is not on you but on her to tell you.

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