Inner Game - The Real Secret to Self Confidence

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  1. #1
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    Inner Game - The Real Secret to Self Confidence

    Hey guys, I wrote a post on inner game on my blog and thought I would share/discuss it with you. I'm going to be in and out of "the office" today, but I'll try to get back to everyone.

    The Original is here: The Real Secret to Confidence (That Nobody has Told You Yet)


    I remember being nineteen years old in my first week of University when I first heard the advice to “just be confident” when talking to women.

    Before I found the seduction community, “just be confident” and “just be yourself” were the only two pieces of dating advice that I had ever really gotten, and it was frustrating because it didn’t give me any sort of real guidance on what I should actually do.

    After all, how do you really be confident? As a 19-year-old, I hadn’t really achieved anything except getting into a good university, which only made me equal to every single person on campus. I was skinny, awkward, untested, unsure of who I was and what my talents were. I had no real foundations on which to base any sense of accomplishment.

    I saw other, more confident guys on campus, and wondered: “what do they have to be so confident about?”

    It took me many years to realize this secret, that I’m going to share with you now. Hopefully this will save you a lot of the trouble that I went through.

    Before I tell you the secret though, you have to realize the error that most people make. Most people with low-confidence and low-self esteem, think that confidence is about thinking you’re good at something, and self-esteem is about thinking you’re a good or worthy person in general. They think it’s about having “high value” or whatever.

    These people have it all wrong.

    The girl who looks in the mirror and says “I’m pretty” and feels good about her self has the same problem as the girl who looks in the mirror and says “I’m ugly” and feels bad. Their real problem is the compulsive need to look in the mirror to reassure themselves. The only difference between the two is that one gets her fix, and the other doesn’t.

    It is the habit of self-judgment, more than the judgment itself, that characterizes people with low self-confidence and low self-esteem. It’s that habit of going into your mind and demanding reassurance that you are good or worthy that is the root of low self-esteem, and its mirror image, arrogance.

    So what is REAL confidence, and REAL self-esteem?



    True confidence and self esteem are about not judging yourself at all.


    Confidence is a state of non-worry, of being present and occupied with the world as it is, and not as it ought to be, or as we judge it to be. True self-esteem is the state of accepting oneself, for good and for bad. You can only do that if you change the habit of judging yourself.

    I’m not saying that you should be oblivious to yourself, or whether you’re a good person or a bad person. There is a role for non-judgementally evaluating yourself. But a confident person doesn’t think about these things compulsively. The confident man does what he believes is right, and is not overly concerned with how others judge him. He seeks to control that which he can control: his own actions, emotions and motivations, and then accepts the things that he cannot control, such as the inevitable judgments of other people.

    After all, if we allow our self-esteem to be reliant on the judgments of other people, we are really making ourselves the victims of the meanest, most judgmental people in society.

    Let me provide an example. I am a confident singer and guitar player. This is despite the fact that my talent at those two things is rather middling. I’m not confident because I think I’m great; I’m confident because I know I’m not horrible and I’m not really worried much beyond that. So I can get up in front of people, and sing my little heart out without worry or anxiety.

    But in order to be confident, in order for me to truly enjoy and put my heart into the act of singing, it’s not simply enough that I consider myself good – I must stop even asking the question.

    Today, instead of worrying whether you’re good or bad, worthy or unworthy, direct your attention and focus outwards, towards the world in front of you, and watch your confidence increase.


    Once again, the orignal link is The Real Secret to Confidence (That Nobody has Told You Yet)


    Tenmagnet (Chris Shepherd)
    -------------------------------------------------

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  2. #2

    Great post, man.

    This is something that I learned while reading "The Power of Now" months ago. Presence, full acceptance of yourself and what is is the best path to realizing ultimate understanding and happiness.


    And we all know how attractive that is.

    Props.
    -BetterThan

  3. #3

    Nice post but let me note some things.

    We human beings are made to live in society, respect some physical laws (do not steal, do not murder..etc) and some ethical laws (do not insult strangers, do not laugh at retards...etc).

    Having said this, if we dont think before doing or talking we could easily get fucked up. According to you, you shouldnt question your talents, your will of power of what can you do...etc, this is what you call confidence but if i dont think certain things before doing or saying them, i could be in a very bad position.

    Come on, we all know people, specially guys, who dont give a fuck, and do shit things in life like laugh at the weaker people, bully..etc and they are confident because they dont give a fuck but still they are assholes.

    I hope i have explained myself.

  4. #4
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    Aero - You are exactly right, I am not advocating being immoral. I'm going to write a further blog post to clarify that. there is a way to engage in introspection, and to maintain a sense of integrity and ethics, without worrying all the time if you are "good" or not.

    But you'll note that I already wrote:

    I’m not saying that you should be oblivious to yourself, or whether you’re a good person or a bad person. There is a role for non-judgementally evaluating yourself. But a confident person doesn’t think about these things compulsively. The confident man does what he believes is right, and is not overly concerned with how others judge him. He seeks to control that which he can control: his own actions, emotions and motivations, and then accepts the things that he cannot control, such as the inevitable judgments of other people.
    Tenmagnet (Chris Shepherd)
    -------------------------------------------------

    Reviews Blog Products Twitter


  5. #5

    I hope you write soon about the way to mantain a sense of integrity and ethics without worrying all the time. Cant wait to read that!

    Thanks

  6. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by AeroK View Post
    I hope you write soon about the way to mantain a sense of integrity and ethics without worrying all the time. Cant wait to read that!

    Thanks
    That's actually pretty well-explained in "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnige.

    Check it out.

  7. #7

    Like big times. You're a smart man.

  8. #8
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    AeroK - Yeah man, it's been talked about a lot if you read philosophy. The fact is, worrying does NOTHING to improve your integrity or your ethics. Integrity and ethics come from inside, and you just practice them every day.

    If you're acting with integrity and ethics, and you accidentally do something "wrong", say you inadvertently cause someone harm, or offend their moral values. You shouldn't beat yourself up - you aren't really culpable.

    What kind of wrongdoing are you thinking of?
    Tenmagnet (Chris Shepherd)
    -------------------------------------------------

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  9. #9
    Mr Bond Guest

    I think Psycho-Cybernetics put it good. Only the indulgent partake in self criticism continuously, where in truth, it should only consciously be undertaken 1-2 times a year. All helpful criticism happens subconsciously. Actions are what bring about change. Just take note of what'd you like to improve for a split second and then move on.

    Also, to add to what Tenmagnet said, I think it's important to acknowledge your successes as they happen and let them boost your self esteem. There's a difference however between confidence that is supplemented by achievement and confidence that is derived solely from achievement.

    Awesome post man.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by Tenmagnet View Post
    AeroK - Yeah man, it's been talked about a lot if you read philosophy. The fact is, worrying does NOTHING to improve your integrity or your ethics. Integrity and ethics come from inside, and you just practice them every day.

    If you're acting with integrity and ethics, and you accidentally do something "wrong", say you inadvertently cause someone harm, or offend their moral values. You shouldn't beat yourself up - you aren't really culpable.

    What kind of wrongdoing are you thinking of?
    When I was young, I was bullied, and when I joined college (new life) I became the Alpha male and felt bad when I AMOGed weak people, because they always shut their mouth when I said something (without intention of harming anyone) and suddenly girls started comming and I use to get laid, until one guy told me that other guy was really pissed off because I was the leader, dominant blabalbalallbablablabllab...etc

    Basically, people felt inferior when I was next to them and that reminded me when i was bullied, thats why now usually I always keep asking myself, mostly all the time, at every action: "Did I do/react well?, Did I hurt someone?". So thats why I sometimes shut my mouth because I dont want to cause harm to anyone. And seems like I dont get laid anymore with this attitude. Seems like being hurting people indirectly, making them inferior indirectly, (indirectly=without intention of hurting) gets me laid.

    So as you can see, here I have a battle of ethical and moral/inmoral attitudes.

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