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06-28-2012, 06:39 PM #1
- Join Date
- Nov 2009
I met up with my ex (#1) today for the first time since we broke up 4 weeks ago(We were together for 2 months). Started off with small talk about current events in our lives & things were going smooth. Eventually we got to talking about us (there is a reason why we did; just bare with me).
How do you regain ex gf's trust? Reason she lost it is not what you think.
A little background on her...Her previous relationship before me lasted 2 years; the guy was verbally and physically abusive. Only reason why they dated for so long was because of his little girl; my ex(#1) and her built a great relationship and wasn't so quick on the trigger to end it because of that. He would say one thing and do another, cheated on her all the time, etc. etc.
A little background on us...during the last two to three weeks of our relationship, she noticed that my ex(#2), before her, was texting me a lot trying to get back with me(nothing going on there). There was also one night where an old friend I play poker with was out with me and my ex (#1) at a bar and he mentioned her (#2's) name, asking where she was (last time i saw him, i was still with #2). Lastly, about two days before we split, #2's best friend posted a picture of me and her(#2) on FB (which is weird in and of itself) and #1 told me that it was extremely awkward.
OK...back to the original story. When we met today, I was spilling my heart about how I felt about her (I know it's not what you're "suppose" to do as it demonstrates neediness blah blah but given the circumstances, an exception was warranted and she needed the reassurance.), and while I was doing that, I could tell by the way she was looking at me (passionate smile, glowing eyes, biting bottom lip) that she wants to be with me. She even told me she's still very physically and emotionally attracted to me, but things were just "weird." So, on the drive home I pinpointed the problem...she lost trust. Because of her past and #2 coming up all the time, she had reasons to doubt me. But the kicker is that IT WASN'T MY FAULT! SO....How can I convince her that she can trust me? She obviously loves hearing me tell her how I feel; it doesn't feel unwelcome or unwarranted from either side; but words are never enough. Actions always speak louder than words so, again, how do I convince her that she can trust me?
P.S. She still initiates texts, asking me how things are going in my life (job interviews, work, etc.), things weren't weird between us at all the entire day today, felt at ease, very calm, cool, collected, and passionate.
06-28-2012, 07:32 PM #2
If she doesnt trust you she doesnt trust you. Thats that.
If you have given her absolutely no reason not to trust you, then it can be unwarranted, that is unfair, but it is what it is.
The only thing you can do is reassure her that nothing was ever going on with your ex, and that you where crazy about her. I really cant see any way for you to show her that you are trustworthy.
Anyway, you should have to prove that she can trust you. She should trust you until you prove otherwise.
She has issues with her self esteem and her ex BF because she cheated on him and damaged her emotionally. This isnt your fault.
The best thing for her to do would to be to see a thearpist about how she feels towards men, and other people in general. Get out all her emotional baggage and ditch it so she can begin to move on with a healthy relationship.
This is her issue, not yours. Unforuntately you are bearing the grunt of her past relationship.
06-28-2012, 08:42 PM #3
Unfortunately that's just bad luck. She probably wants to trust you, wants to like you, but just has a lot of issues coming into things.
A girl with baggage of that caliber probably needs more reassurance than would be healthy, and should probably just do her own thing for now. Unfortunately trust isn't something you can fake, or force, or control. It doesn't sound like you had her trust to begin with. It does sound like she likes you, so you may want to keep tabs and see if she snaps out of it.
If you want to move forward with this one at some point in the future and work on the trust issue, you should make sure to build a level of solid communication and mutual respect that shows her you are not like her shady ex and that she cannot treat you like him. Have serious talks with her about expectations in a relationship, be open and honest, make your intentions as transparent as you can. By that same token be intolerant to anything that frames you as a villain. She has to give you the benefit of the doubt and not suffocate you or it will never work even if you're the most loyal prince of a boyfriend that ever was.
06-29-2012, 07:31 AM #4
- Join Date
- May 2010
She is reflecting her past bad experience with her ex to her current with you. Unless she grows up and realizes she has to let past go and give you a real chance there is no relationships possible.
06-29-2012, 07:58 AM #5
First off delete your ex and her friends. WTF is the point in letting her sabotage your future relationships.
Cuts happen in a second, but take days, to heal.
Quit trying to explain this thing away to her / convince her she can trust you. That is what is causing the weirdness. You guys don't just "hang out" any more like you used to since all of this serious conflict negotiation started. All you do is talk about problems, and hence bring them to consciousness. Let them drop and in time they will just be forgotten.
Just focus on GOOD TIMEs together. No serious talks, no bollocks, just straight, as if she were a new woman approach. In time she will wonder what the problem ever was.
06-29-2012, 09:36 AM #6
Women think they're little facebook ninjas. I try not to mark my territory on a guy's facebook wall, but some women are absolutely obnoxious about it. My ex had a crazy girl who came right before me who posted like 12 times in a row on his wall after they were broken up and he was apparently with me. Here, look at this link. Oh hi I saw this and thought of you. Hey remember when we looked at cute animals? Sigh. You'd think she made his facebook wall her homepage.
-My friend showed me this one girl who would post the most mushy-gushy stuff to a mutual friend of ours. And he would try to make it blatantly clear he was definitely still single and not with her but she was persistent. We eventually decided to troll her a little by giving him a bunch of attention, and she just got even more pathetic and would write shit like XOXOXOXO! on his wall.
-I've had a random stranger in a coffee shop notice I was doing some admin work on a website and he asked me if I knew how to change his settings to get a random girl on facebook to stop trying to make it look like he was dating her. He was like a creepy homeless dude and he still had a groupie.
-In fact, once I stumbled across some hood rat's facebook where the girl had commented on EVERY single one of her boyfriend's profile pics in the last year with "mineeee <3" and two other girls had innocuously commented stuff like "hey nice pic" and "this is a good one of you" and she had responded with "smh" (shaking my head for those of you who do not follow vapid slang).
Times used to be, you could let the past stay in the past by just not bringing up the subject, but I've gotta admit girls have gotten really damn tacky with the facebook thing. Guys do it too, but at least with a dude I can be like "get off my nuts" and they will take the hint and let it go. Women are actually kinda conniving. I was on a date with a guy and his fwb (that he dropped to pursue me) blew up his phone via skype, facebook, gchat, calling, and texting. She knew he was with me, wanted to make her presence known, and realized he was too nice to tell her to go fuck herself and that she could get away with it. She was also a bunch of drama on facebook. Even when you're happy with the guy, this stuff can be a drag!
Keep the crazy girls on a leash. Privacy controls are your friend, if you can, make it so they don't see much, and cannot do much to interact with you besides privately message you. If you can't figure that out, don't be their friend. It is such a shame to scare a nice normal girl away because you don't have the balls to tell a clinger to lay off.
06-29-2012, 04:45 PM #7
- Join Date
- Nov 2009
xbman13 -- I appreciate you taking the time you comment, but your comment has absolutely nothing to do with the situation. She's not stalking me, she's not a groupie, and she sure as hell ain't crazy.
06-29-2012, 06:58 PM #8
- Join Date
- Jul 2006
It was too much for her to deal with. There was NO reason for her to know about you keeping in touch with your ex. There's NO reason for her to know if you're still having sex with your ex 2 months in. None of her damn business.
You need to NC your ex, unless you're still getting some from her,and even then you have to think about when to eventually say you can't come over anymore, or meet up with them.
You shouldn't be testing each other's trust, just have fun, and work towards things slowly and gradually. If I'm dating someone, I don't want to know if they're seeing someone else.
If I'm with someone and they're texting anyone else, it's bad manners. The Facebook photos are unavoidable, but I would just go "that kind of makes me feel awkward seeing that, are you sure you want me as a FB friend if your ghosts of boyfriends past are showing up?"
You can't convince someone to trust you, you can persuade them, but you just have to let things happen in their time.
She was in a 2 year LTR, and it's going to take her a while to move on. Keep dating other girls while she's feeling weird and unsure. If she asks, just go "I don't know if we should be talking about trust and being serious right now. Your friends are used to you and your ex, maybe I need to be the mystery guy in your life for now."
06-29-2012, 07:48 PM #9
06-30-2012, 10:26 AM #10
- Join Date
- May 2012
Dude...you have serious inner problems, you fall in love so easy, i advice you work on that instead of getting back with girl that is not worth the effort.
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