Journal: Starting from Scratch

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  1. Journal: Starting from Scratch

    Hi. This is my story.

    I'm a 26-year-old virgin. Never kissed a woman, never been kissed by a woman (cheek or anything). Never hugged a woman in a more than friends way. I am the quintessential nothing, a vacuum in sexual experience.

    I'm not bad looking. I'm 6 foot 1, not the greatest teeth (but not horrible), thin without being muscled, and still have most of my hair. I'm not socially awkward - I can mingle with groups and do fine. I'm funny, most of the time - I make people laugh, anyway. In that sense I'm mostly normal. Problem is I'm terrified of sex and anything related to it, even expressing my own self as a sexual person who wants to kiss or fuck women. Everything up until that point is adequate, but expressing myself as sexual is terrifying. I avoid it like the plague. Doesn't help that I have no idea how to actually kiss a woman, let alone fuck her.

    How'd I get this way? Computer addict, or compulsive computer user, or coward, you choose the label. I sit on the computer all day. Everyday. 10-12 hours a day. I don't go out. I have no friends. Zero. Nobody I can call up and do something with, though what I'd be doing is confusing to me anyway. Been like this forever, all through university and afterwards. Always on the computer. Always panicking (real panic) whenever a woman shows real interest in me and running away. Always running away, running to the computer, running from what, in the end, I want. That's no way to live.

    And that's why I'm here. I've read the stuff, know the lingo, and yet don't use it. I am paralyzed by fear. I'm not much a catch really, and I know I shouldn't think like that, but I'm a 26-year-old whose resume consists of a brief stint at a grocery store and a call-center. I have a B.A. in History, but I don't do anything with it (prefer the computer and the ignorant bliss it gives). But it's time to change that. Time to face my fears, face my panic, and move past it. I can do this, terrifying as it is. Well maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or after that. I'm scared.

    I don't know how I'll start, or what I should do right away. What's my first step? Keep in mind I don't have friends and I'm an unemployed shut-in who sits on the computer all day, reading forums and masturbating to porn. Obviously I have to work on that - maybe I'll blog here about that change too, I don't know. But I don't know how to start, and I'm terrified.

    What say you? Please be as honest and real as possible - I don't want to be coddled. All comments welcome.

  2. Look mate, I'm not going to sit here and tell you i know what its like to be in your predicament, because i don't. I do however, know what its like to lose confidence in yourself - that happened to me last year after I lost or almost lost everything that i believed gave me value as a human being and trust me its tough to bounce back from - but with the right approach definitely doable.

    Let me just comment on where I'm at now, approx a year later than when it all fell apart and 6 months post deciding to change shit. I just got out of a relationship which was very fulfilling for a few months and just picked up my first night back sarging and most importantly really happy with who I am right now. So how did I do this? and how can you do this?

    You need to think of it from a lifestyle approach. What you're doing now is not attractive to anyone, so that's your first step. Get off the computer for at least 6 hours in the day (provided its not ur job?..) and do anything but that. I recommend enrolling in dance classes. Now, they are totally non-threatening its mostly old women and nervous dudes so nothing to be scared of and it will give you human contact. Other things like this are great too like joining a gym (and go so often that the receptionists remember who you are) where you are around other humans.

    Start to build a base of people who you know, and this is where friends come from. From my perspective, I wouldn't be worrying about picking up girls right now, rather, getting a life that you can be proud of. Next step is to say YES to everything.

    Feel free to swing me a message if u want to chat more. I know how it feels to have no confidence in yourself but acknowledging it, even if its online is a necessary first step.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by ThisIsReal View Post

    I don't know how I'll start, or what I should do right away. What's my first step? Keep in mind I don't have friends and I'm an unemployed shut-in who sits on the computer all day, reading forums and masturbating to porn. Obviously I have to work on that.

    What say you? Please be as honest and real as possible - I don't want to be coddled. All comments welcome.
    Hey man, I can understand where you're coming from. I used to be a virgin till 23 and it seemed like forever. Then I caught a lucky break (gave in to peer pressure from my friends to talk more to that one woman) and f-closed her mostly by luck and her willingness to help. After that I was still the same person and felt like almost nothing because I had done no work really on myself and my lifestyle. I would hate to see you going after an easy lay, which would be understandable, but not worth it.

    Its good you are thinking about putting in the effort to change the things for the better. Hope everything will work out for the best. (And it will, when you work at it.)

    Get to know new people, do social stuff. Find a couple of women who are interested in you and deserve you. Only then go for the f-close. You'll get so much more self respect that way.

    The first step is quoted in bold.

    Find the yourbrainonporn thread, give up looking porn and cut masturbation down to once a week. The first few days will be very challenging, you will be forced to find new things to do instead of jacking off. After 3-4 days the urges go down. This is a great period for working out and finding the willpower not to go back to porn after working out when you feel you could choke the chicken because it would feel so good.

    After having abstained from jerking off for a week you'll have a whole new energy and you'll be more drawn to social activities. Build things up to that point and see where it takes you from there.

  4. i did this too with the porn thing and its amazing how much it helps with general life drive. I was also having performance issues (maybe or maybe not due to porn), and cutting out porn pretty much stopped that.

    great advice

  5. I've got a serious problem. A very serious problem that I need to fix before I can make any progress. It was pushed into my face today.

    I'm out at the bar, watching the UFC fights, and I'm going home past midnight, waiting for a bus. This very attractive woman is walking past me and points out that the bus doesn't come after midnight. I mention that on Saturday it does. We talk for a few minutes, and I am somewhat suave - no PUA stuff, just chatting, but I'm a decently witty guy and she's smiling / laughing a bit. She seems intelligent, worldly, just a very attractive person in every way. And she seems to like me. Our bus arrives. And here the trouble starts.

    I get on the bus first, consciously. I'm hoping she doesn't choose to sit beside me. I'm hoping she sits far away from me. Why? Because I'm half panicking. This experience is terrifying. I know before the bus I should ask for her number, but the idea of doing so is terrifying. It's not that I'm afraid she'll turn me down - not that at all. I'm afraid it might lead somewhere. I'm afraid she might give me her number. She sits in the row behind me, but I don't turn around, I don't say anything. She gets off at her stop and smiles at me as she walks away.

    I've got a huge problem. I am terrified of making any headway with women. It's a fear of success, not of failure. As I look back over my life, I see that it's been there forever. A lot of attractive woman have randomly obliquely asked me out or started flirting with me, and everytime I've panicked and run away. I just want to get out of the situation.

    It's obvious that I can't make any success until I overcome this. It's not a matter of being good at attracting woman - occassionally the universe throws me a great woman - it's an internal psychological thing. I have no clue what the basis of it is or how to deal with it. See my OP for my background. I can see two possible solutions though:

    1) Delve into my psyche and try to psycho-analyze this out.
    2) Feel the fear and do it anyway. It'll probably go away with a bit of experience. Just gotta push through the near panic attacks.

    And yes, I am definitely heterosexual, never had any trauma, just always lead an isolated existence.

    Does anyone else have any experience with this pattern of emotions? I really don't have a clue how to deal with it.

  6. #6

    Hey man, i believe that i have a similar problem. i'm 18 years old no girlfriend, virgin, etc.., and i think i have had that exact feeling you had with that bus babe. there was a girl in one of my classes, and she would always smile at me and fix her hair in my presence and would always give me extended eye contact, but i never asked her out. i was almost certain she would have said yes, but i didnt ask. when we talked it was never awkward, but whenever something happened like a group project, i would always get really nervous and almost hope we wouldnt get grouped together i don't know why, i was attracted to her, i'm thinking it be that i would somehow screw up the attraction, even though it was already there, i don't know though, maybe im just afraid of that kind of interaction.

    as for a solution, the only thing i can say is that you are just going to have to give it a shot, somehow find a way to task for a number or for a date, and once you realize how good it is ( at least that is what i've heard ) the problem might go away. idk though. i have gotten a lot better, i've definitely gained confidence since that happened, and i'm hoping to practice approaching soon.

  7. #7

    Hey TIR,

    Right off the bat, just from reading your post I can tell you are a guy very in touch with your emotions and genuinely interested in improving yourself. This, is a very good thing and it will make make things a lot easier as you progress in your development because you are so honest with yourself. Not to mention, girls can get drawn into that sort of integrity --so long as there is a positive spin on it.

    Fear of women is very common, we've all been there. With this sort of fear, as with all fears,you sort of just need to face it head on, conquer it and live through the anxiety until you expand your comfort zone. They say courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of it. For me, I always ask the question "what's the worst that can happen?" The answer usually isn't all that bad and makes your "risk" all the less risky.

    But as far as an action plan is concerned, one of the ways you're going to conquer this fear is to boost your self-esteem. Here is the cold hard truth, this means you are going to need to get a few other areas of your life in order. You need to find a job. Not because you need it to attract women -- though it does help --but because you owe it to yourself to feel good about that part of your life.

    In the meanwhile, you should join a gym. Go on, pick a program and stick to it. If you start to exercise you will feel your energy pick up. On top of that, it'll put you in a social environment that you can work on getting comfortable in and, most importantly, get you out of the house. Do this for a few weeks and I assure you a large chunk of that fear will begin to subside.

    Start with this and you'll be to talking to girls and having the relationships you want in no time, it's work, but it's worth it.
    Of course, Keep writing on this thread and tracking your progress.

    PM me if you have any questions and I'll do my best to steer you in the right direction.

    Good Luck,


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