Newbie tries the Stylelife challenge [Come laugh at my failures!]

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  1. #1

    Newbie tries the Stylelife challenge [Come laugh at my failures!]

    I guess we all gotta start somewhere, eh?

    So for the past 7-8 years I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety, which basically screwed me over for my late teens and early 20's (I'm 23 now). In periods I've been so down that I could barely function like a normal human being. Couldn't hold down a job, go to school or meet friends etc. This shit's mostly solved now and I feel like I'm ready to get my datinglife in order.

    I've always been absolutely terrible with women. Very few girlfriends, still a virgin. Brain shuts down if I try flirting, etc. It's a part of my life I've always wanted to fix but never could because of my mental health being what it was.

    Anyway. Someone recommended I pick up Rules of the game and that I do the challenge, I thought "why not?" and after some googling ended up here. Figured lkeping some kind of journal might help me along the way.



  2. #2

    Day 1

    The self-evaluation I had to do basically came down to "I'm shy, introverted, serious and boring. I wan't to be the exact opposite of that." (Sort of.) Not going to post the full answers as I wrote them down in Swedish and since it's boring anyway I won't go through the trouble of translating them. Read the material - good stuff - and realized it was like 8am and I hadn't gone to bed yet (because vacation). Slept 'til noon, did some housework and headed out around 4pm.

    Mission: Make small talk with five strangers.
    Status: Spectacular fail.

    Hop on the train and see a cutie a few rows over, facing me. I get eyecontact and smile, she smiles back. I have no clue what to do at this point so I just kinda do nothing until it's time to get off. Fuck. Ah well, some other time.

    I'd decided to make the first interaction something simple to warm up a bit: Find a smoker and ask to borrow her lighter. (I specifically said to myself that it had to be a female. Age didn't matter.) Start walking around town. See plenty of smokers around, most with their friends - no way in hell I'm approaching a group - but wuss out every time. After like half an hour of walking I find a little old lady. Finally something I'm not intimidated by... Fuck it, it's a female, lets go.

    Old lady, 60 yrs
    Me: Excuse me?
    Her: ...?
    Me: Could I borrow your lighter for a sec?
    Her: *nod* *smile* *hands me lighter*
    Me: *lights cigarette* Thanks.

    She might've mumbled something but I didn't pay attention. Anyway - not too exciting, but it's a start. Walk around town some more before I decide to visit the liquor store. Spend 20 minutes looking for whisky that doesn't taste like ass, get in line. Second conversation of the day.

    Man, 25 yrs
    Me: So this is where the line begins? [Note: Tomorrow is midsummer, huge holiday around here, which means the liquor stores are constantly full of people and the lines are huge. Was only like 5 people queuing at the time.]
    Him: Mhm.
    Me: Hah, shorter than I'd expect.
    Him: *Polite smile, turns away*

    Still counts, dammit. End up walking around town some more to find someone else to interact with. At this point I'm getting sweaty due to the heat, and I'm starting to feel sleepy. Decide to borrow another lighter and wrap up after that.

    Man, 30 yers
    Me: [In Swedish] Hi, do you have a ligher?
    Him: ..sorry?
    Me: [Switching to English] Do yo have a ligher?
    Him: Ah, yes. *Pulls out lighter, lights my cigarette*
    Me: Thanks, have a nice day!
    Him: You too.

    Summary: Reading this makes me realize just how far I have left to go. A bit depressing, but eh... One step at a time.
    A lot of it had to do with first-time jitters, I think. Never actually went out and talked to people just like that before and I kept thinking I was making an ass out of myself.
    Was better than doing nothing, but will repeat day 1 tomorrow if I have time. If not, I'll do it on saturday (and do day 2 at the same time).

    Cheers,
    dWed

  3. Hi,
    Just to let you know I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your progress and keep it up, glad to see that you've decided to do something about your life.. Its never too late to make a start


    Sly.

  4. #4

    Day 2

    Mission: Make small talk with five strangers and take note of their eyecolor
    Status: Fail

    I decided to treat day 1 and 2 as one because they are virtually the same. Further, eyecontact is not something I struggle with.. While reading day 2's assignment again (accidentally read the first 4 before picking up the challenge) I realized that I'd looked everyone in the eye whilst doing day 1. I don't have laser eyes or anything due to something being messed up with my vision - right eye super-dominant, not really processing things I see with the left eye - but bottom line is, maintaining eyecontact isn't a problem.

    So why did I fail? For starters, I made it a rule that I only approach girls who I found attractive and were out on their own. Walked around town for 30 minutes and saw no one. I once read that if the Russians would ever invade, they'd do it on midsummer's day (today) because compared to normal, Stockholm was deserted whilst everyone stayed at home nursing their hangover. I also only had between 6-7pm to do this which meant all the stores were closed, and it's too early for anyone to be heading to bars or whatever. Also, the weather sucked.

    One positive interaction today though: Decided to do the "hey can I borrow a lighter"-thing before I went home just so I could say I did something. Approached a blond woman and her friend (only people in range who were smoking).

    Me: Hi, do you have a lighter I could borrow?
    Her: *smile* Sure!
    Me: Awesome, thanks. *Lights cigarette* Bye! (Not sure if she replied as my phone started ringing right as I said 'bye' and my brain just went 'durrr must answer durrr')

    Now for the positive things. First, I approached two women at once. Yeah they were probably in their late 40's and thus a bit too old for me, but still. Two people. Second, I didn't say 'excuse me' or 'sorry'. These two words have been the first thing I blurted out to people for as long as I can remember.. I did tell myself earlier in the day not to use them, but wasn't thinking about it when I approached. Third, it felt natural, as if it wasn't a big deal (which it really isn't but you know what I mean).

    Small improvements, but improvements nonetheless. Given how far I have to go I gues I gotta cherish the little things if I don't want to go insane, heh.

    Plan for now is to simply repeat day 1/2 for one or two days. I failed those assignments and since they're basic as hell I don't want to skip them and have it bite me in the ass further down the line (knowing what day 4 is like certainly helped making that decision). More importantly though, having failed so miserably I think it's something that's actually a bit of a problem, and I want to bloody fix it. Anyway - I'll move forward when I've approached ten people and recorded their eyecolor. Giving myself two days to do this, if I do it all tomorrow I'll do day 3 on monday.

    Cheers,
    dWed

  5. Kudos, awesome man, it's great you're committed to doing something and improving. Stick with it and go through the whole thing, for sure you're going to be a better man afterwards. Just, perhaps, don't think you have to complete each mission to perfection, I think if you push yourself and you feel you went out of your comfort zone to complete the mission, if you fulfill at least half the assignment you could move to the next one.

  6. #6

    I considered skipping ahead, but I felt doing so would just screw me over in the long run. Plus I felt like I didn't really give it my best shot - I'm actually pretty confident I can do the stuff I failed, just have to get over some of the jitters.. (On a side-note, I'm finally getting a physical copy of the book tomorrow or wednesday. No more shitty PDF-files to scroll through.)

    Oh, and lack of updates is due to me being a lot busier than expected. No school/work tomorrow though.. Expect day 1-3 to be completed in about 24 hours.

  7. hey man why are you so hard on yourself? You didn't fail either of those days! I thought you did great. Just keep doing the challenges. Also stop adding additional rules like it has to be girls you're attracted to etc.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    Vancouver
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    740

    Quote Originally Posted by dWed View Post
    I guess we all gotta start somewhere, eh?

    So for the past 7-8 years I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety, which basically screwed me over for my late teens and early 20's (I'm 23 now). In periods I've been so down that I could barely function like a normal human being. Couldn't hold down a job, go to school or meet friends etc. This shit's mostly solved now and I feel like I'm ready to get my datinglife in order.

    I've always been absolutely terrible with women. Very few girlfriends, still a virgin. Brain shuts down if I try flirting, etc. It's a part of my life I've always wanted to fix but never could because of my mental health being what it was.

    Anyway. Someone recommended I pick up Rules of the game and that I do the challenge, I thought "why not?" and after some googling ended up here. Figured lkeping some kind of journal might help me along the way.
    There are a few things that stand out to me about this. I don't usually pay attention or reply to blogs, but you're an exception. What I noticed:

    1. You got your life handled.
    2. You've given yourself a mission to improve your life. Style Challenge is starting out somewhere. And you're committed to this.
    3. You're keeping a journal of your progress.

    From my own experience, I'd say the two most important things to have are:

    1. A strong identity.
    2. Confidence and self-esteem.

    If you have these things, you will hold your own better than you expect when you put yourself out there.

    I'll be paying attention, bro. Keep at 'er.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Gender:
    Location
    Vancouver
    Posts
    740

    First and foremost. I've had terrible self-confidence and self-esteem. I want you to read Psycho Cybernetics and Blink. I went to Super Conference last year and the instructors, especially Braddock, emphasize the life-changing importance of reading these two books. I have ACTUALLY seen results from taking their advice. Make your brain into your wingman instead of your enemy that gives you self-defeating excuses.

    Gambler's book The Natural has also been useful to me because of his exercise:

    - Reciting his list of positive affirmations (i.e. "I'm high-value", "all women love me").
    - Reciting the affirmations while listening to good music.
    - And while you do that, you anchor the feelings by snapping your fingers and tapping your leg.

    I've always been absolutely terrible with women.
    We all start out that way.

    Brain shuts down if I try flirting, etc.
    That's a sticking point. So go show some interest. Make a mission to compliment women once a day. Tell the cashier her hair looks gorgeous. Compliment their wonderful, sunbaked skin. All you're doing is getting it off your chest. Most women will say thank you and that you made their day. Do this enough times and you'll feel confident. Tell them their outfit looks fantastic on them. Say they're in great shape. Tell them you like their style and they seem creative. Compliment old grannies and cougars on their hair. You're not HITTING ON THEM. You're on a mission to say something nice to a person once a day. Explain you're doing it to break out of your shell if you have to.

    "I'm shy, introverted, serious and boring. I wan't to be the exact opposite of that." (Sort of.)
    Tell yourself, "I'm friendly, playful, and interesting." Tell yourself, "I'm high value". Feel that in your heart, dude. Feeling that belief is the key to transforming your attitude.

    The rest of your blog makes me want to do the SL Challenge myself.

    Goodluck!

    - DJ

  10. #10

    Version2: If your teacher tells you to write a 5,000 word essay, he'll fail you if you only hand in 3,000 words. It's the same thoughtprocess here and again - I feel being too lenient on myself with this will just screw me over in the long run. I'd rather do it right the first time, one step at a time. Remember, I'm essentially starting from scratch here.

    Blackbeltmethod: No time to reply in-depth right now, but I'll get around to it. For now - cheers!

    Also:

    Day 3 (sort of)

    Mission 1: Approach strangers on the street and get their eyecolor
    Status: Done

    I think I figured out what the problem was, and it's mostly a cultural thing (I live in Sweden). Talking to strangers in broad daylight, just for the sake of making conversation, is seen as weird. Not really frowned upon or anything, but it usually only happens if one of the parties involved is either drunk or mentally ill. Basically, you're seen as a weirdo. If there's a reason to interact (flirting, asking a question, etc) all is well. It's something I want to overcome, or at least learn to ignore, but it's not done in a day or two. I'll keep working on it, but I'll move on with the assignments.

    So what did I do? Since I was watching my sisters dogs (fuckers need constant company or they go insane) I decided that, whenever I take them for a walk, I just greet everyone I see. No fancy commenting or making conversation, just a smile and a 'Hi'. Most people I saw weren't within talking distance, some were wearing headphones, and I wussed out on a hottie or two. All in all, probably ended up greeting around 10 people, give or take 1-2. Ended up chatting with half of them (mostly about dogs, it's the natural thing to talk about when you have one with you) but at the very least they greeted me back.

    Will keep working on this, but for now - done. (About the eyecolor: Most were wearing shades. Those who didn't either looked the other way or were too far away for me to see.)

    Mission 2: Call random numbers and try to get movie recommendations
    Status: Done

    Wrote down 30 random numbers and called them in order. (25 were inactive. Would've done more but it was getting late. Also had no internet access so couldn't check a phone book or anything.) Went with "Who is this? Oh, sorry, wrong number. Hey by the way.." as my script.

    The calls:
    1. I wussed out and hung up when they answered. (Google my number and you can track me down easily. Guess I was worried about that, but realized right after hanging up that no one would actually do that. Felt a bit silly but hey.. learning experience!)
    2. Hung up on me right as I said "wrong number".
    3. Recommended that I watch the soccer game tonight. Spain - Portugal. I hate soccer, but played along just to get it done with.
    4. No recommendation. (I actually tried to just ask for a movie recommendation. Improvised the opening and it all went downhill from there.)
    5. No recommendation. Thought it was funny, though.

    Figured out a few follow-up questions I should've asked the last two, and I could've refined the script a bit more before starting. Was actually kinda fun, will probably do it again sometime.

    Moving on to day 4.

    Cheers,
    dWed

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