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06-21-2012, 12:42 AM #1
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
Let this be a lesson for everyone in how NOT to act when ex gf contacts you!
Some of you might recall the back story to all this in my previous thread...
To summarise i dated a girl for about 6 months, we broke up when i found out she was arranging to meet up with other guys for sex behind my back. The girl is fairly damaged due to a turbulent upbringing (adopted, kicked out of the house at 16, bad financial situation). I ended it but never got mad at her because i guess deep down i should have seen the warning signs and i knew how insecure she was and how desperately she needs validation through other guys.
Anyway, it ended, after a few days no contact she began to text me again, i would respond briefly, we met up, cleared the air, then she accused me of sending a text message to one of the guys she was flirting with behind my back saying i had called her a whore. This was untrue, she didn't believe me, i told her don't contact me again until you apologise, i never heard from her for about 3 weeks, she then deletes me as a friend on facebook, i emailed her saying this was a shame as i had hoped we could be friends, she said too much had happened for us ever to be friends, i replied saying thats unfortunate but i wish her well. I never heard from her again.
Then on monday night, about a month after all this took place, i get a random email saying "hello, just thought i would say hello, how's tricks with you?" I was extremely surprised by this and genuinely didn't expect to hear from her as i know she'll be dating multiple guys right now.
Despite everything that happened between us all i want now is to be friends with her. By that i mean have the ability to email every now and then and meet up a couple of times a year to see how she's doing. So when i got this email i thought she might have had a change of heart and was ready to be friends.
I replied the next day and kept it brief, stating what i'd been up to and throwing some DHVs in there as well. She replied later, saying that she was happy things were working out for me, and that "there's not a day when i don't think about you", and "i guess i just needed to say hello to see how you were because i miss our chat. Hate how it ended the way it has".
I replied once more, followed by another one from her, and a final one from me, again i kept it brief, and ended it by saying it had been nice catching up with her today. Since this email i have not heard a thing from her.
All this makes me think that the whole point of her initial email was not to try and start a friendship with me again, but to use me as an emotional tampon when she has a moment of missing me! She was feeling down, missed me, and wanted to make her self feel better by knowing that i would reply to her. If she had wanted us to work on being friends, she would have continued to exchange emails, and may have even suggested meeting up. But this was never her intentions, she simply wanted re-assurance and validation from me to make her self feel better. Let this be a lesson to everyone who hears from their ex randomly. Don't fall for that shit! I should have been harsh with her. Now she thinks that whenever she's feeling down she can always email me and i'll cheer her up. Don't do it lads! Learn from my mistakes.
So there you have it, i made a complete mess of that, but at least i've learned. My question is what should i have said if i was to have any chance of becoming friends with her again? And what should i do if i hear from her again?
06-21-2012, 10:00 AM #2
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
Sounds fair enough and in this case i would say just ignore her since shes that messed up,
But to expand the lesson a little, as i wrote earlier in another thread i got dumped by my "gf" after 5-6months, she wanted to be fuck buddies but nothing else,
I started to ignore her and after advice from others replied to her constant messaging with "im not angry, im doing fine, take care.
But now she started messagin me again with a new approach, she actually thanked me for helping her with stuff, dunno if this is just a trick to get some contact again to see if a actually miss her or whatever, got any advice for that? Though about just responding "no prob" or some short and constant
what do you think?
06-21-2012, 12:09 PM #3
I wouldn't bother talking to her again, shes just using you because she knows she can.. Not worth your time
06-22-2012, 05:39 PM #4
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
Yeah, its a power-thing. Both ex´s just wanna regain control. Its got ZERO to do with actual interest.
Missing their exes is not a good feeling, so they will do WHATEVER it takes to make their exes miss them instead.
Beg, steal, lie, manipulate in every sense of the word - and if you fall for it they will drop the contact like a smelly turd.
It´s not about being evil - its about being selfish and wanting control of the situation. Nothing else.
There is only one viable advice: Don´t take their bait - there is no way in hell you can win this situation.
Just don´t answer.
Someone once gave me a great line for when an ex suddenly contacts you, and tries to sweet talk you into reinitiating contact or attraction:
Tell them; "Thanks, but I am wondering why you are telling me this?"
Then sit back with a bowl of popcorn and see what happens next. The thing is, they cannot truly tell you why they are contacting you again. THat would beat the purpose of the whole exercise.
And they wont tell you that they wanna get back together, cuz thats not whats on their agenda.
So they are left with handing you some lame-ass shit test or meaningless words.
Dont reinitiate. Keep NC all the way.
06-24-2012, 09:38 PM #5
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
In one of the audios of Brian Tracy of the Psychology of Achievement, he says that we have to forget some people in order to increase our happiness. Some people are the one who hurt us in the past. Once you do that, you will feel better, but THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO LIKE THE PERSON OR MAKE HIM/HER PART OF YOUR LIFE.
I forgave my ex for all the pain she caused me adn forgave myself too, for all the mistakes and pain I caused her as well, but she's not part of my life. She wanted to add me on Facebook, and I prefered not to have her as a contact because as many on this forums have stated it's just an attempt to see what you're up to and have some control. Besides that, she hasn't tried anything is worth stablishing a friendship. I'm learning to be happy by myself, improving my social skills as well as other and that's what I suggest you do.
06-25-2012, 02:13 PM #6
As the ex gf who sometimes does the contact, I can tell you at least what consciously goes through my mind when I'm doing the contacting.
-Wondering whether there's something festering: If I check back weeks, months, or years later, I'm sometimes curious about how their outlook on our relationship has changed. Sometimes I'll run across a mature ex who has since put things into perspective. Or sometimes I'll find out they are STILL bitter. Either way it's a factfinding mission.
-Guilt: Sometimes I am wracked with guilt over the things I said in my rage-quit. My last ex and I dated for over a year and it was a mess, but I stooped to saying something like "well, you're just a piece of shit for a human being" and um, yeah I feel bad later. I think I've apologized to every single ex for at least the big disses.
-Missing the person: I run across a reminder or find they cross my mind from time to time. Even if I don't want them back, I will want to contact them. If we broke things up on bad terms this is RARELY a reason I'd make contact out of nowhere, though.
-Wanting them back: I think most girls take for granted that they will NOT get their ex back, but it doesn't mean we are not curious to know if there's a remote chance we can. My experience has been that taking back an ex is never a good idea, because usually once you've been dumped once, the reunions are more about validation than love. You can really fuck up your heart for your ego's sake.
-Wanting to know if they miss me: Sometimes part of being curious/missing someone is wondering whether you are still on their radar. Yep, ego again.
-Seeing if anything has changed: Sometimes after a long investment in someone's life you are curious to find out whether they are the same or if they/their circumstances change. I'm curious to know when my exes move, graduate, get jobs, get married, etc. I'm also curious to know if they have abandoned some habit or tic they had when we dated.
So yeah, a lot of it is selfish/ego. But that doesn't mean it's always totally a power play. I consider it an act of weakness when I contact an ex, and I'm being vulnerable by reaching out, so I'd be right pissed if they came back at me with a smug attitude or said something cruel. I think a lot of girls want a response and want to see that they can make their ex open up as intimately as they used to, and you just can't do that. When you have a gf you naturally talk to her more openly and use more emotional and personal discourse than you do with other people.
Bottom line: if your ex contacts you, you don't have to be a dick. You can be kind and polite, just don't rehash the intimacy.
06-25-2012, 08:33 PM #7
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
Roughlt speaking, which one is the most common one reason a girl contacts her ex?
06-25-2012, 11:06 PM #8
If she's contacting you out of nowhere, she might still want you, or wants to say something she was too upset to say immediately following the breakup (i.e. closure), or she wants to try to smooth things over and be friends. If it's only been a few months, being friends again might be asking for drama.
06-26-2012, 02:43 AM #9
I don't understand OP.
You write like you have made a big mistake and yet I don't see it.
Yes ex's will drop you an email when they need a boost, many will even delete your number and everything they can so they don't do so in a moment of weakness, but responding and giving them that boost is only a mistake if you want them back.
06-26-2012, 05:50 AM #10
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
Thanks everyone for some fascinating feedback, especially xbmna13 as it's always good to hear things from a female perspective.
It's been a week now since we each exchanged a couple of emails. I've not heard a thing from her since.
In response to Birthday's post about not seeing the reason why i've messed up, I guess i was very naive and thought that by contacting me she was wanting to be friends. She knew i wanted us to be friends as despite her insecurity issues and the bad way it ended, i would like to see her do well and i did find her fascinating so a few friendly emails a year is all i'm asking for. I realise now that she had no intention of initiating a way for us to be friends, and the whole point of her contacting me was to make herself feel better as she knows i hold no grudges towards people. It was a quick fix when she was feeling down on a monday night.
It annoyed me because she got my hopes up for her own validation needs. She will probably do it again in a couple of months time as well when she finds her self in a similar emotional state.
It's her birthday next week and i'm unsure weather to email her a simple 'happy birthday' message or not. What do you guys think?
Thanks everyone for the advice.
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