WTF situation with EX and NC
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  1. #1

    WTF situation with EX and NC

    Hey dudes,

    So me and my girl of 3.5 years split up exactly a month ago.
    I was the longest boyfriend she had and the first to move in with.

    She always said the reasons why she loved me was because i was, unlike her previous boyfriends and her father, a strong man that wouldn't let her steam roll over me.
    She always pride herself at being great at socially manipulating people or emotionally controlling.
    I was like an immovable object and she was like an unstoppable force.

    Honestly we were a beautiful couple, into each other...and silly and fun....true best friends...head over heels for each other,...we were inseparable.
    We always had people flirting with us and i never got jealous,..i was always proud to be walking around with a desired sexy girl....i was never judgemental or jealous.
    She wasn't really used to having a boyfriend that would get hit on often,...but she seemed fine with the attention i got.

    We had incredible sex,...she never had to fake orgasms,..i made her orgasm 12 times in less than half hour.
    We have done it everywhere,..a church, stripbar, nightclub, in her parents bedroom etc etc
    We were a very attractive could tell everybody was envious of us.
    We were also very different.
    She's Irish Canadian Catholic girl from the suburbs and I'm the free spirited, artist, tattooed persian city boy.
    Her parents were for a lack of better word...racist.
    Her brother who is gay spread rumors about me, that he saw me with other men in the toilet at a club etc etc.
    Yet her girl friends all loved me because i treated them well, always looked out for them and was supportive of them.

    We have a lot of mutual friends and we both frequent the same 2 clubs.

    I introduced this little suburban catholic girl to the world of fetish clubs and its community,...though we are not into open relationships or anything like that.

    Just a party where my girlfriend and her girls can go out and dress next to nothing without being judged.
    SO, i created a safe environment where my girl can be sexually open and not feel so guilty all the time.
    I should add that this is the type of venue that i went to 2 years before me and her hooked up.

    fast forward to May 19th 2012.
    We wake up, have sex, we both get off, we shower, i make breakfast, and before i know it we are breaking up.
    Confusing as hell.
    Specially because she kept saying: Is this what you want?
    And i would reply: No this is not what i want, but clearly you do, and i just want you to be happy.

    The next 2 weeks i became disgusted with myself because i showed such neediness.
    I tried to maybe talk to her bla bla bla.
    During the course of 2 weeks, she went from: my heart still belongs to you, to i'm not single but in limbo,..and 20 minutes later, i'm single and you are single.
    I of course gave her all the power by trying to desperately fixing us.
    Now even my uber alpha friends say that what i did is expected because 3.5 years is a long time and everybody would react a little crazy.

    So after our last encounter when she said that we are both single, i stopped talking to her....full FB anymore and even deleted her number to avoid drunk dialing.
    Now before i continue on the story, i should add that she has a few attractive girl friends and they all like me because i was always cool with them and would take them out with us and never made them feel lonely when they had boy problems,...basically super emotionally available and attentive.

    In fact one the girls (lets call her DD) is this 29 year polish smoking hot stunner.
    And on top of all that she's incredibly grounded and intelligent....she's also my ex's co-worker.
    My ex loved her but also would show signs of insecurity, sometimes she would forget that DD is a mutual friend of ours and she would try to forbid me to hang out with DD,...she would say and i quote "you can't go out with MY HOT friend".
    She even gave some of her friends ultimatums that they have to choose between me or her.
    And DD refused to choose sides, that started to slowly tear them apart,...something i was very sad about because my ex needs a girl like DD in her life.

    The day she properly ended us, i walked to the train station and called DD,...asking her for advice.
    She said i should come with her and her friends for drinks and dancing.
    My ex found out or most likely guessed about me and DD going out for drinks.
    So she texted DD instead of me,..saying to her: "I can't believe i'm here at my parents house grieving and he's out with you...i think he should go home and do the same."

    To which i told DD to reply back with the truth, that i'm in need of some distraction and thats all.
    My ex replies to that by saying: Its fine, whatever, i don't care anymore.

    clearly she cares...right?

    Anyway me and DD had an amazing night and i started my full NC on my ex as of that day.
    Now a week later i run into my ex at one of the two fetish clubs we go to.
    She looks skinny and somewhat unhealthy (she's normally a bit fuller).
    She sees me and puts on the best "I'm happy" smile she can, threw me off because there's no way she's happy.
    She goes for a hug and small talk,...i gave her a one armed hug and spoke over my shoulder very briefly about my new pants.
    I couldn't wait to fucking leave already....just wanted to scream and yell,...but i kept it very cool,..and almost indifferent.
    But i decided to stay and man the fuck up,...besides, matter how many people she knows there,..i introduced her to that world.
    So later that night she's with a couple that are friends with us both...lets call them K&D.
    They come to me to hug me goodbye and i'm being my super sweet self and give the woman a nice hug and a little kiss goodbye.
    But i didn't see that before the woman came over to hug me goodbye, that my ex was about to do the same and she got left know like when someone tries to shake your hand and they are left hanging and become awkward...just like that...she was literally scratching her head.
    Not my intention,...our friends K&D just cut her off,...but it somehow worked in my favor.
    So now again i give my ex a one armed hug and even pat her back as if to say: ok kiddo leave me alone, thats enough.

    Now that we have established that there are clubs we both go to,..she knows for a fact that i'm always gonna be there,..i live close by the clubs, i have the summer off work and i like to party.
    Whereas she has to pay 30 dollar cab ride or a long ass bus ride from her parents house to the club.

    Moving on to last saturday June 16th,..another Fetish party.
    this time i'm with 4 girls (DD included) and 2 best guy friends.
    One of my friends comes up to me and says: I just saw your ex in the bathroom,...she's leaving cause you are here.

    For a minute there i contemplated leaving too,...but all my friends said: this is her way of trying to manipulate everybody in the club by making you look like a walking killjoy and an emotional bully....she's victimizing herself to gain pity in the process of making you look bad.
    And if you leave then you'll be submitting to her controlling ways as well, does not start and stop at her convinience.
    Also they said as they high five'd me that i am "winning",..i'm flipping the script on her.
    Her last image of me was the former man of her dreams crying like a bitch begging for a chance.
    And that now that i walked in with an entourage and stayed,..i'm reclaiming my position as the strong outgoing fun loving man.

    The next day she pretty much broke up her friendship with DD,..despite the fact that they work together and that DD never chose sides (which is what pissed my ex off).

    Some of my friends say i'm winning,..and that if i want her back (which i do very much so),...that i need to be that guy again who she fell in love/lust with...the cool and nonreactive guy that made her work for my attention.

    Yesterday a friend of ours said that she told him: When its over, its over, there's no turning back.

    Now, i'm not sure if i believe that entirely.
    Several reasons.
    I introduced her to a world that not many men are comfortable with.
    I was the longest she had by several years and the first to live with.
    I was like her mentor in life to some degree
    We had plans to start a family together in a few years.
    Again the mutual friend part.
    I should add that exactly a year before our break up,..her family ganged up on her to break up with me,..and we did (just didn't move out yet) lasted 2 days and then we had the most incredible dirty passionate make up sex.
    Also when she and her best friend had a falling out,...several months later she called her up drunk and crying to wanting to work it out again...and they did.

    So with that said,...i don't think she really believes that "when its over, its over".
    Her pseudo aunt/former baby sitter loves me,...she told me that: right now its impossible to convince her of anything,...her mind is set on being apart and if she would come back to you she'd have to admit that she was wrong.
    Her heart will eventually take over cause she's a very hyper emotional girl.
    Also right now she's not so worried about losing you,...she knows that you'll run to her the moment she asks.
    You need to move on with your life and be an even better man.
    You two have been together for 3.5 years and have experienced a lot together,...she's a woman and will not forget you anytime soon.

    Now i'm working on bettering myself even more, learning to cook, taking tantric massage class, working out a bit and overall trying to enjoy life as much as possible.
    And this NC is very hard but i'm doing it and i will stick with it.
    She knows that i can have women and that i'm not sitting at home all day crying over her.

    My question to you guys and girls is how or what do i do if i know she's always gonna show up at the same club i frequent.
    Should i stop going as part of NC or should i just soldier through it and continue to live my life and do what i intended of doing without her approval.
    Also do you guys/girls think we can work it out or that she'll get in touch with me sooner or later to get back together...based on her previous patterns?

    Very excited to hear what you guys have to say about the whole situation...and what you suggest i do.

    much love and respect

    Last edited by herodg; 06-20-2012 at 07:51 PM. Reason: adding extra info

  2. #2

    Why did you break up? What happened?

    You should just be doing whatever it is you would be doing if she didnt exist. Yes, you may run into her from time to time... that is life when you visit the same clubs frequently. Dont change your plans and be reactive to her life. You live your life the way you want to live it. She doesnt enter your world, not a thought in your head.

    I personally wouldnt get back together with her. I am a firm believer in once a relationship is done, it is done. The reason you broke up the first time will most likely be there when you break up the second time. You are just going to get hurt more and more.

    Keep up with the no contact, you seem like you are doing everything right. Keeping social, busy, with new hobies and working out - great start.

    If you really want her back, then I would just be working on being happy alone, before even thinking about getting back. Certainly you dont want to be with her over the next 3-4 months. You want to be able to be alone, and be content with who you are before you give it another shot. This also gives you both a chance to distance yourself emotionally, and get over the scars that you have caused eachother. Once you have some clarity after a few months, then you can really asses whether or not you want to give it another shot.

    If she is going to cry and leave because you are there, that is her perogative. You are a rock, you are non responsive. If she greets you, fine, be polite and keep it brief and friendly, as you have been doing. Whatever you do, dont pander to her emotions. Dont give it.

    If she wants to get back with you, or asks you to get back together, just say 'I need some time and space to think about what I want in the future'.

    GOod luck mate - Seems like you are doing pretty well overall.

  3. #3

    She sounds very prideful and that may take a long time to wear off before she contacts you. You dug yourself a hole by begging to be with her directly after the break up and it sounds like you're gaining a fair amount of ground and footing. To be honest it doesn't sound like either of you are ready to give it a shot yet. Still too many hurt feelings, "who's winning", and other pissing contests taking place.

    You're doing good by keeping your cool and not reacting emotionally.

    My advice would be to maintain no contact and continue enjoying life as a single man. Don't pine away at someone that isn't sure about you.

  4. #4

    first of all thank you guys for reading and replying.

    She had a few things she kept saying that were problems for her.
    Lifestyle...basically wanting to go out and party....something she does as much as i do to this day.
    Then it was about kids and family, idea i wasn't too sure of in the beginning but grew into it and now that i'm older i really do want a family.

    When i confronted her about those issues and how they can be resolved,...she replied back by saying: its not about partying or family,..its about me not having my voice heard in our relationship.

    So thats the problem,....and i don't know what i can do to fix that.

  5. hey herodg. I tend to agree about the whole thing poopface said, about taking some time. When one of you wants out of a relationship, it's over. The only way to get back together is to take some time, heal, and start fresh.
    When you scrape a knee, it takes time to heal, and if you try to mess with it, you get scars.

    Let her heal, take some time, and be single for a while. After a while has gone by, eventually since you two were together so long you will get into contact again. It takes time though, so be patient.

    Also, don't fuck her friend. I can't tell if you hooked up with the DD chick or are just palling around with her, but don't hook up with her, and if you started, stop. Jealousy will get results, but for the wrong reasons. If you want her back, think twice before doing anything hurtful or vindictive because should you succeed in getting her back, you'll end up having to work that much harder to rebuild the trust, and there IS a point of no return. I had an ex who really hurt me. Eventually he decided he'd made a mistake and wanted to get back together. However, by then, there was so much bad blood and resentment on my part that I subconsciously hated him. Now there's a fun relationship...

  6. #6


    Thank you for replying.
    I agree with pretty everything you wrote.

    And to answer your question regarding the our mutual friend DD.
    No i haven't hooked up with her and i'm pretty positive that won't happen.
    We know too much about each other and that kills any sexual attraction for me,..all we do is dance once or twice a month at the club and chat about life.

    But i see where you are coming from because i think my ex is worried about me and DD hooking up.
    I would like to add that even though i won't hook up with her,...the fact that my ex broke up her friendship with DD was not very smart, my opinion thats how friends end up sleeping together because now they have nothing left to lose.

  7. herod,

    your story is very very similar to mine. 3 years long, a little shaky, then BAM. reasons like, "we don't gel anymore," "you don't listen to me anymore," etc. I also screwed up the few weeks after the breakup, but went NC since.

    I think everything you're doing and thinking about this is right. I would agree with everyone here that you have to let this breakup run its course. By that, I mean you have to go through a lot of time apart to let things heal properly.

    In the meantime, I would like to point you to the How to Get your Ex GF Back sticky at the top of the Relationships forum. According to that, you need to have enough time apart for her to see one big change in you after you've both healed (months and months from now). Even though you're working on improving yourself now, it won't function as that BIG change if she keeps seeing you every now and then. It's like watching grass grow... What you need to do, in my opinion, is keep improving yourself but don't let her see the changes until way down the line.

    Think of it this way: if she sees you every few weeks, she won't notice a big difference. Even if she does, she'll notice it under the umbrella of hating you. But if she doesn't see you for months, and in those months she heals and you change, then when she finally does see you (expecting you to be the same old you), she'll notice a HUGE difference, AND she'll be in the proper mindset (healed) to like that change. Then she'll be much more attracted to you.

    That's where you're at right now (and I'm also in this situation).

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