Should I say... or should I not?
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  1. #1

    Should I say... or should I not?

    Looking for a little quick advice...

    Girlfriend of 10 months is currently on a week-long cruise with a friend (woman) of hers. She setup this cruise about 4 months ago without really consulting me first and decided to just do it. I didn't put up a fuss really whatsoever since I really didn't/don't care (that much), and don't want to come off as a needy wussbag complaining about it. I was supportive and genuinely cheery with her about it so that her frame of mind would be positive about us, but then about 2 months ago she mentioned that this friend of hers had cheated on her husband on the last long trip they went on together roughly two years ago, and that her friend also had encouraged her to hook up too (while my girl was going through her divorce). I realized that this was a shit test, so I mentioned that I had some concerns but that I trust her... and I also threw in there that if she did anything whatsoever to disrespect me and our relationship that I'd hit the highway faster than speedy Gonzalez. I set my boundaries and she knows I'll stick to them.

    My girl is easily an hb 8.5-9, and is super flirty (which I don't mind.. because I am too). Guys blatantly hit on her everywhere we go, so I know that it's a given on this trip no doubt. My biggest concern right now is that we've talked on the phone several times while she was in port, and she's always in the middle of craziness (lots of noise and activity to distract her) and she always seems to be pretty drunk. I still don't think that she'll do anything inappropriate and I trust her because that's what I must do. There's still a nagging thought in the back of my mind though....

    So, the question I pose to those of you is....

    Should I even bother bringing up asking about details or getting her to admit to any wrong-doings? If so, how could I best do it in a way that establishes my confidence and control of the situation? I realize that perhaps I should hold off until there is a sign or indication that there might be such, but then again is there an Alpha way to get the conversation out in the open and have her feel comfortable enough to be truly honest with me from the get-go? Any advice that could help alleviate any real issues and nip it in the bud to give me peace of mind? Again, I do trust her... but then only a fool has blind faith.


  2. #2

    Don't pressure her for details. Innocently inquire about the various activities she did and all the fun stuff. Be absolutely removed from the situation.

    If you notice any discrepancies in anything she says, INNOCENTLY ask for some clarification. Some times you need to have blind faith because your mistrust may be unfounded. On the other hand, if you're having doubts about her loyalty, you need to have a look at the relationship and figure out why you don't trust her.

    Whatever you do, don't break up with her based on speculation. If you end it, end it because A) you have proof or B) you need to remove yourself from a relationship that gives you stress. [I don't think it'll come to this].

  3. #3

    It id a tough one since you were not there... And if you have doubts you'll hardly believe what se says...

    Of course her friend will take any secrets to the grave... besides trying to ask her friend is AfC.

    Besides, search and you will find so I don't really recommend going through emails or stuff like that because it will en horrible.

    I found out my ex gf cheated on me because I went through her Facebook and Emails and what I found out was horrible ad left me damaged for two years. Still recovering but I have healed and survived

    So if doubts are draining you and you don't trust her and the relationship is not giving you what you need, for your own sake let it go. No need to die inside out of having doubts...

    lack of trust in your partner can make you go mad inside.

    Wish you all the best and hope whatever happens is the best for you

  4. #4

    Interesting... thanks for the replies. I hadn't read these prior to just now and had talked with my father a bit about it last night. He brought it up really as a joke implying that it's a shame that two guys can't go on a cruise together (mostly because they'd be seen as gay). After discussing it a bit with him, I came to the conclusion that my inner game is still a little off.

    I've decided not to bring it up at all with her when she gets back. Instead I'm going to be the fun-loving dominant guy I know that she really wants and needs. Only if it seems like something is really 'off' will I even come close to venturing into that territory, and even then I'll watch my step closely to make sure that I keep the right frame and keep our relationship on track. The truth is, she has trust issues herself therefore I have a few doubts because she really is just so insecure a lot of times. I need to be the rock, the strong one who is willing to fully trust and be willing to be truly vulnerable.

    I see that the replies more or less speak of the same conclusion. I'm not going to allow doubts or concerns to affect me and my judgement, because if she truly is right for me I don't want to sabotage it. It's ironic how things work out, because also last night an ex called wanting to go out since she heard that my girl was out of town. I could have easily done so and likely gotten laid without a word being said, but I declined and instead did other stuff. There are always plenty of opportunities... and we men of emotional and moral strength need to realize everyday that women are not a scarce commodity. Instead we are!

  5. #5

    If GF of ten months wants to go on a cruise with her cheating-type friend, there's problems in your relationship. If the dynamic was right, when anyone says the word "cruise" she's be fantasizing about you banging her over the rails as she stares at the endless sea. 10 months is too early for boredom to be setting in.

    The approach to the situation that you described in the post above this one is the right approach. Don't bring up these concerns when there's no concrete reason to suspect they might be true. Otherwise, you are turning your GF into your reassurance machine and that is the role she's looking to you to fill.

    In any relationship, it is natural to have anxieties that you could lose the person. It's a sign that you like them. For a man to have good relationships, it's really important to develop the skill at facing those kind of fears on your own rather than seek reassurance about them from your GF. You have to learn to accept that the physical and emotional discomfort of being afraid is okay and you don't have to make it go away. It's part of life and a sign that you're taking risks, which is healthy.

    I started doing mindfulness and awareness meditation a year ago to learn how to just "hold" your uncomfortable feelings and nurture yourself as you accept them. It's made me 10x more mature, more sensitive to other people, and a better leader to the people I care about. I highly recommend it.

    Good luck!

  6. Know it's a change of the subject, but any more information on the meditation you mentioned??

  7. Know it's a change of the subject, but any more information on the meditation you mentioned??

  8. #8

    This is a great workbook that teaches the meditation and also has exercises related to confronting and accepting your fears (rather than try to fight them or make them go away) --

  9. #9


    GF got back from her cruise, and I played it cool. I was genuinely happy to see her as was she with me. I showed interest in what she did to have fun and judged nothing whatsoever. The topic of trust came up somehow by something she had said and all I replied was that I fully trust her and I'm glad that she had fun. That's when she proceeded to rip my clothes off and we went at it three times that day. She opened up later that she didn't really have all that much fun and had wished the entire time that she was with me instead and was dreaming of what our first day back together was going to be like. This a testament (IMHO) to the fact that having the right frame of mind and being the stronger person in the relationship is key. Trust and respect has to start somewhere, and I've decided wholeheartedly that it's going to start with me.

    Many thanks to everyone for helping me to get my frame back on track.

  10. #10

    I like how you responded. I don't know about your angle on trust though. I don't know that trust starts with you. Keep one eye open at all times. Let her constantly prove herself. When she brought up trust, I would NOT have said, "I fully trust you and I'm glad you had fun." That's weak because it's not true and it's stupid. You could have said something like, "I know you're a naughty little girl with a dirty mind and you missed your daddy." That's more grounded in reality. She probably did have dirty little thoughts about other guys but she still came home to daddy for her spanking! True love!


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