Stuck in friend zone thanks to troubled past
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  1. Stuck in friend zone thanks to troubled past

    Alright so I'm posting here on the advice of a friend of mine trying to get help with this girl. There's a lot of background story but I'll try to summarize it quickly so this post isn't TOO long.

    I'm stuck in the friend zone with a girl who I only know through online whom I have known her for three years. I developed feelings for her quickly and since I felt stupid for liking someone I met online I was really mean to her at first. It got to the point where she started to really not like me at all. Eventually I started to regret treating her so badly especially since I was faking it so I told her how I really felt about her. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship with anybody, not just me, and that even if she was she didn't really date online.

    I accepted that and determined to change her mind by sticking around and "wooing" her I guess. After that we became really close friends. She always told me there was a chance of us becoming more and of something developing but then she would continually flirt with other guys right in front of me including one of my good friends. I got jealous and told him to stop talking to her which was obviously a huge turnoff for her.

    We got into a big fight but remained friends and are still close. We talk for three to four hours a day and recently touched on the subject of our relationship. She told me she didn't like me anything more than a friend and wouldn't even ever consider giving me a chance to date her. She said she didn't really mean the stuff she said before about there being a chance and that she just felt too bad to say no right out. I don't know if this is true or not because in the past there had always been signs indicating she WAS interested. For example, she had come up with an idea to send me a pair of her underwear as a birthday present last year. She ended up not sending it though because she met this other dude around that time who she started to develop feelings for. I asked her about it but she says that's not the reason and she just decided she didn't wanna. These interest signs are all gone now. She eventually tried to online date the other guy.

    This pissed me off because she told me she didn't online date, but yet here she was chasing HIM. She would send him pictures of herself and everything (not naked ones lol). It didn't work out because he was a douche and really mean to her. As her friend I tried to warn her about him (he knew me too and would publicly gloat about how he "stole my girl") but she didn't listen because she thought it was just me being jealous again or trying to control who she talked to. Anytime I brought up some of his BS, she got mad at me and then would just go talk to him even more. Ultimately though it didn't work out because he rejected her advances. She says she doesn't like him anymore but I think she does and is just sour at being rejected.

    Another thing worth mentioning is that she doesn't trust me enough to tell me her last name, even after three years. She says if she told me, she fears I'd look up her information. She thinks that I'm too controlling (because of the jealousy from before), too emotional, and too needy. One other piece of the puzzle is that she thinks I'm only her friend to try to make her my girlfriend and wonders if I actually care about her for her or if I think she's a trophy to be won. She says that she thinks when I ask her to do things that there's an ulterior motive of me trying to trick her into liking me. If I were to show a sudden disinterest in her now after her telling me I have no chance with her, wouldn't this validate what she was claiming?

    My question is this. How can I get out of the friend zone with her? How do I salvage the past where I was jealous or needy and make her see me in a different light?

  2. No advice anybody? I've read the articles on the friend zone here but I feel this case is different because of the past involved between us. It requires a bit more personal advice. What should I do to overcome her perceptions of me?

  3. #3

    Well, she says she's not interested so stop being interested. You kinda screwed up with the jealousy and neediness. When you're not exclusive with a girl, who/what she fucks is absolutely non of your business.

    She seems to have given you a list of reasons why she'll never date you. Your best option is to treat her like you would a friend. Stop trying to make advances on her and stop giving so much of a fuck what she thinks. It's should be of no consequence to you.

    3 to 4 hours a day is EXCESSIVE for talking/chatting/whatever. It needs to stop. Reduce your communication to about once or twice a week and only for a couple of minutes. DO NOT EXCEED 20 minutes. You need to be less available cause right now, you're like her fucking dog, waiting on her. She needs the gift of missing you.


    You cannot change how she sees you by tweaking her perception of you. You must change how she feels about you. It's all about her feelings. She has to feel that you're not always available, that you add value to her, that you're in control of your emotions, etc.

    With regards to the dude who she tried to online date, your reaction was beta. I did this exact thing. Guess how that ended. The same way yours did. It drove her closely to HIM and made me more jealous and controlling. That's never a good thing. Never attack a potential opponent. EVER!!! She'll run to him without giving a fuck about your feelings or emotions.

    What you should have done was side with him and say something like, "Cool, he seems nice." then quickly change the subject. Every time she mentions a dude she wants to get with, change the subject. Listening to all the guys she wants will put you in a really comfortable chair in friend-zone and won't so a damn thing for your ego.

    Your emotions need to be in better control. Let her go. There are tons of girls you can meet in person that will be happy to be with you. Don't get strung out on one girl who's online.

    p.s. Her statement about her last name makes me feel that she sees you as stalker potential. Even more reason to reduce contact drastically. You have a life. Live it. If she wants to put you on the fringes of her life, that's fine. Put her on the fringe of your life in turn.

    And go after others.

  4. There is not much to add to what d_downs said. I think many of us have been in such a situation.

    One good advice: stay away from her. Most likely she has issues. Why else would she be talking to you 3-4 hours a day despite knowing you only online? Probably all the stories she's telling you about guys, are also fake. That is often the case. Cut off contact immediately. Even if she's fucking other guys, who cares? She is currently only a virtual person to you. Probably you will still talk to her, because that's what happens all the time unfortunately...

    So, if you want to continue this, do exactly what d_downs said. Stop talking to her. Don't even talk to her for 20 mins on chat. Be high maintenance. Get her phone number and start texting her to create momentum. Then meet up.

    Better advice: get off your computer and go out in the real world to meet girls. You won't sleep with her on ICQ or MSN.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Silicon Valley

    1.) Unplug your computer.
    2.) Go outside (yes, such a thing exists... it's got sunshine and grass and stuff).
    3.) Approach REAL women.

    I'm starting to see all these threads about guys and their online relationships with women they'll never physically meet. THEY'RE A WASTE OF TIME. I met my bf online, but we actually MET IN PERSON before any sort of relationship talk came up. Otherwise you're just wasting time hiding behind a computer screen because you're too scared to approach women in real life. Get your balls together, get off the life-sucking box of doom (aka your computer), and live a little. There are 3 billion women out there, and yet you're worried about one who clearly rejected you, who hasn't given you her last name in 3 years, and whom you'll never be able to fuck. C'mon dude, you can do better.


  6. Yes I had already began cutting contact before posting this thread. She noticed it immediately and complained to me about it even saying she "knew why I was ignoring her so she didn't even care." I didn't even flat out ignore her, I just stopped signing on messenger for awhile. When I did sign on for a few minutes one day, I simply told her I have been busy and will probably be busy for awhile. She was mad and gave me an angry "Gotta go to bed goodnight." 10 minutes later she came back just keep talking about how mad she was. That's when I told her I was going to bed and then left.

    Let's say after several weeks or a month she does start to feel differently about me because I'm around less. Even if she does, how then do I approach the relationship upon my "return" and won't our past always be in the back of her mind "warning" her not to take a chance on me even if she wants to? Is this impossible to turn around or will it just take a lot of time and hard work?

    @spiritus_rector: How would you recommend asking for her number being that I'm distancing myself from her currently? I also have asked for it in the past with a no go. It was the same deal as her last name. She "doesn't like giving her information out online." I guess I should also mention that when I say I know her online, I didn't meet her on an online dating site or anything like that, I know her through something else.

    @TheRogue's: Yeah I get where you're coming from. I don't have trouble with girls under normal circumstances. It's easy to say I should just move on but hard for me because I have such strong feelings for her. I've had plenty of girlfriends, been dumped plenty of times, rejected, and what not though I've never felt for someone like I do for her. Yes I still go out and I still flirt with girls but she is the one I want. I haven't given up my life but I don't want to give up hope on her either. What also doesn't help is that it's not possible for me to just stop getting online. It's how I make my living. :\

  7. #7

    What does she look like?

    You seem to want to change simply to get her. That's not the way to go about self improvement. Any changes you make should be because you want to be a better person, not so you can have a chance with a girl who only exists online (as far as your case goes).

    As for going online, I make money by writing for companies and people, so I'm online a ton (unless I'm in class). However, my chat is always turned off and it only comes on when I want to check in with someone, or have a meeting with a client. MSN doesn't have to be on all the time.

  8. She is definitely an attractive girl but it is more about who she is as a person and her mind as to why I like her rather than her being some gorgeous supermodel that I must have physically.

  9. I tried to warn her about him (he knew me too and would publicly gloat about how he "stole my girl") but she didn't listen because she thought it was just me being jealous again or trying to control who she talked to. Anytime I brought up some of his BS, she got mad at me and then would just go talk to him even more. Ultimately though it

  10. You tell her, you're busy at the moment and you can only respond through text. So either she wants that or you dump her. Otherwise you won't make any progress ever. Guaranteed.

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