NC in social circle or lose the social circle. Salvage the situation?
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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    London, England

    NC in social circle or lose the social circle. Salvage the situation?


    I'm in a weird situation right now. I don't know what to do or how to proceed.
    I think in hindsight I was probably a bit too available. I'm not sure.

    The background of how I met this girl is here...

    and in many ways it's not too dissimilar to this guy here...
    and this guys other post
    we are not the same person!!

    So I have not initiated calls/texts anything like this since. I gave our class a miss for the first two weeks. The first week after she ended things she texted to make sure I was ok and why I wasn't there. I had a genuine excuse. I responded friendly but distant. And she would send longer text back. Still nothing along the lines of 'i made a mistake lets talk'. So I just ended conversation and said I was tired and going to bed.

    last week
    So I went to class last week. An old flame of mine came along. After class this girl I was seeing, lets call her jane doe, came up to me to talk. Old flame walks up to me as well at the same time and starts being flirty and friendly in front of jane doe with me. Old flame knows the situation with jane doe (she is a close friend these days). She said that jane doe was jealous and looking at us every time we were talking and dancing. I think she was doing this on my behalf (moral of the story sometimes old flames make great pivots!).
    After my friend left early, Jane doe came up to me to complain about some guy that was talking with her for ages. I acted unaffected and just took her hand and started dancing with her. She was all smiley with me, and linking fingers with me on dance floor etc.. body language was 'i like you'.
    She had already rejected me so wasn't going to bring up the subject of 'us' again. I left class early but didn't say goodbye to her.

    This week
    I arrived into class and she was dressed up looking really well. She came straight up to me as soon as I walked in. She was much more confident , like nothing had happened at all between us (which bothers me, I don't want to loose this girls spark). Very comfortable with me and I kinda got the 'friend' vibe from her as I came in. A mutual friend joined us , so I just used that as an excuse to break off from the conversation and go off and dance with other women. I could see her watch me dancing with other girls but she would also be off dancing with other guys. At this point I'm trying to avoid giving her any more attention than I would any other girl. Internally , I'm really not liking this one bit at all. So I went for a drink to the bar. Chatting with some friends. She came in and started talking/complaining to me about her college course she has applied for. I am very supportive of it and tell her it will work out great. I change her mood and get her laughing, smiling again. I start getting flirty and she laughs that we have been here before. I just ignored and said yeh it's deja vu. I told her I was going off to dance again and walked off. Basically don't mind having fun etc... but I'm not prepared to give bf treatment , hear her problems when she put the brakes on to that type of thing only a few weeks back.
    Later in the night she came over to me and asked me for a dance. I teased her that I wasn't sure if I would dance with her. she looked disappointed and started to walk away. I pulled her to the dance floor and we dance. It's fun, it's flirty... but during the dance we have this type of conversation when the college thing comes up again.

    me: I have a good vibe about these types of things and I'm always right about them. It's definitely right for you. I'm always right on these things.

    her: you're not always right. you can't always be right on this. our conversation the other week.... it hasn't changed.

    me: I wasn't talking in code about you and me. I'm talking about your college course numbskull. <confident and smiling while still dancing>

    her: oh sorry... and she was awkward<but she obviously thought i was thinking about that.>

    We danced for a few more dances. Which I know was epic fail, I should have just cut it to the one dance. Afterwards she pretty much ran outside the dance hall and was just standing there on her own. It was the end of the night so I gathered my work cloths, briefcase and said goodbye to my friends, walked up to her and wished her the best of luck with the university application she would have. I then turned and left but i looked back over my shoulder at her and saw her looking back at me. It was obvious in hindsight that the situation bothers me.

    Here is the problem. I have gotten attached to this girl. I like her. I am fine until I see her, but she is getting more deeply ingrained in my social circle and 'friending' the same friends that I have on facebook. She ended things with me (suddenly) after dating for a few weeks (we have known each other for 6 months or so) citing that she doesn't want a boyfriend and can't get involved again. She told me that the last boyfriend fought with her to get into a relationship and she cannot get involved again. I really get the impression that she has made a decision, despite liking me, and that her guard is up particularly to the possibility of me trying to change her mind. I know savoy's classic line 'change her mood and not her mind'. I'm totally about that. But she is quite determined not to let herself get involved in another relationship.

    It's also a double edged sword. On the one hand I don't want her acting all 'just friends' with me because I don't want to be LJBF. Maybe I sound like a dick but I need to start being selfish here and think about what I want too. So when she is around I find myself watching for signs that all attraction is gone and she is trying to LJBF me.
    On the other hand when we start having all this sexual tension I find it frustrating to know that there is a spark (in my head anyway) and yet she is afraid to just continue enjoying each other and seeing what will happen between us.

    I have started to get back out there again in the dating game. However this dance class is a BIG part of my life. I enjoy/enjoyed it long before I met this girl. This girl is becoming more deeply ingrained in it. My best friend has already told me until she texts asking me to dinner/coffee/drink and wants to discuss dating again then she has rejected me and I shouldn't let a girl make a habit of rejecting me by bringing up the subject again. Also he said I was flirting too much with her. After a girl ends it with you and especially if she just gives you the 'friend' treatment you need to be especially uninvested and uninterested. The most uninterested party wins he said. I think he might have a point.

    My friends.... your advice please. After the class each week for a day or so after I find my thoughts preoccupied with this 'situation'. I am aware of the advice I myself gave to chasingshadows in his threads (linked above). The irony that you can give advice but find it stupidly difficult to follow yourself.
    I have remained NC in the areas that I can :- facebook, phone calls, texting. She has gone quiet on all 3 as well.

    Do I continue going to this class? Are there any techniques/tactics you would use in this type of situation? I really feel like my hands are tied on this one.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    London, England


  3. #3

    Can someone please give advice on this topic as I am very interested in hearing what should be done as well.

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