Fiance's ex

Thread: Fiance's ex

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  1. Fiance's ex

    Hey all,

    I have a question about a weird situation that popped up the other day with my fiancee. We have been together for 20 months. Before me, she was married. She left her husband and 10 months later she met me. In those in between 10 months something interested happened.

    She has been getting phone calls at work and no one talks. Stalker kind. She just thought it was spam or bad connections every now and then. So the other night she came to me and said she found out who has been calling her with these weird calls. In those 10 months, she had a guy she would just meet, sleep with and leave. Not dating, just a hookup guy for a while. So this guy called her during work the other day and asked her to be "friends". She said no, im married. He got mad and threatened her (im not sure how he did). She responded with telling him I don't want to be your friend, im married and I will tell my husband about this tonight.

    I will find out what he threatened and why she called me her husband. Both are strange. She is very superstitious and calling me her husband is very, very abnormal for her. Shes never done it. We've been engaged for 10 months.

    So of course I am confused and my first statement was, why is he calling your work phone all the time and never your cell phone? Her cell phone number has been the same for 7 years. She said her cell phone never gets any weird phone calls from anyone nor anything from him. Just work. She said he had my work phone because they communicated. This immediately made me very suspicious and my gut told me something was out of whack. We hardly ever talk from her work phone, after all, we have cell phones and its much easier and doesn't show up on our work logs. Who wnats to get in trouble for having long distance phone calls at work. So I start asking a few questions, not much and not defensively but from a point of curiosity and confusion. She admits he was married at the time and she found out DURING their relationship. After I questioned this she said she found out soon after they met but since she didnt want a relationship she really didn't care that he was married. "If hes in a bad marriage, its not my problem." Which, shocked me because I thought I knew this woman. He was married with 2 kids.

    She said she hasnt talked to him since she met me 20 months ago and never cheated on her ex-husband or me. She was adamant she was a "free women" during their relationship. Some reason, my gut thinks the reason they used the work phone is because she did this while she was married as well. She doesnt know where he lives and he doesnt know where she lives. They would just meet up during work hours. Odd, eh? She does have a son and she said she never had him come over because she didnt want any trouble during her 1 year of separation and divorce. So him being married was helpful to her because he wouldnt show up or cause any problems with her son or divorce. It semi-protected her divorce and son.

    I guess my question is, does any of it make sense? Why would he call almost 2 years later? It almost makes me think they had it more recent. I dont know why an ex-lover would call 2 years later, out of the blue. Why would she call me her husband to him? Why is he only calling her work phone and not cell phone? And why did she even tell me? What would it help by telling me? Almost makes me think she told me her story first in case he contacts me she can just say that hes lying. Maybe im just being insecure and over thinking.

    Not sure what to think...

    Thanks for any input.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Silicon Valley

    Well, here's my take on it:

    1.) She didn't give him her cell phone number because she didn't want him calling her at home. Work number is less "personal." Plus, if she shared her cell phone plan with her husband, then the husband would be able to know when the guy called and it might have been bad for the divorce.

    2.) He called her after 2 years because things are going bad in his marriage, or he got dumped, or he's lonely. Guys tend to hang on to girls' numbers for a long, long time. I've had guys I barely dated call me again after like a year for whatever reason. Men tend to "recycle" their options if they have a hard time meeting new ones.

    3.) She wanted him to leave her alone, so she said she's married. It's the same response as a girl saying "I have a boyfriend" when you hit on her on the street. It just means "go away." She said "husband" because "fiancee" or "boyfriend" are not considered that serious. If you want a guy to REALLY go away, you say "husband." Even then, it doesn't always work.

    4.) She told you because she trusts you. I've told my bf before when weird guys call me. There's no reason behind it other than, I tell him stuff. One time some guy I didn't know kept calling me, until I finally put my bf on the phone. He told him to fuck off, and I've never heard from the loser again. If the guy threatened her, she may want you to know so you can protect her.


  3. #3

    She's probably changed her number, and he knows the way to get a hold of her is at work. If she's telling you about it, that's a good thing, but she prob. has no idea how to make him stop.

    Have her set a meetup with the guy, and after about 10 minutes, so she gets to hear what he has to say, walk over to him and introduce yourself to him, putting your hand out to shake his,and sit next to her. Don't do the hand around her thing, but the best way to deal with exes who won't give up is to handle it face to face and keep it drama free on your end. Let him be the one to get worked up, because if you're nice and polite about it, and have a little bit of respect that they once had something and not showing PDAs, you wind up being the better man. But if he gets agitated, that's when you go "I'm trying to be polite about this, for her, okay? I wish you luck in meeting someone new though."

    I honestly don't like it when a girl puts her clingy ex for her boyfriend to handle though. But if she has no idea what to do, she's expecting you to step up and help her out.

    The thing is, when you put a face on someone a woman is having sex with, it can change their whole opinion of her. By you facing him, you're shattering that illusion, which is why you just play it calm and cool, and if he gets spun up or threatening, can just leave.

    But going to a place like Starbucks or an outdoor cafe? You see what he's driving. And if you're hanging back and not sitting by her, you'll get to see him drive in. But assuming he's seen her FB, he prob. knows what you look like. But I'd want to know what his car looks like and his license plate #. If it means bringing a friend along to just casually walk by his car and write it, that's how I'd do it if he knows what I look like .

    He's also going to be looking for rings... she was already married, so she can cover that, but a lot of guys who work with engines or electric usually don't.

    I would tell her, "next time he calls, just start making a stop at the police department and have them create a file". If the calls get threatening, and maybe he has a record, will probably pay him a visit.

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