Have I lost her?
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  1. #1

    Have I lost her?

    Hi guys,

    I think I definitely need advice here in order not to screw it up completely.

    Background story:
    I've known this girl for more than 4 years now since we went to high school together. One year ago, we finished school and almost completely lost sight of each other. I never really cared much about it since she was just a female friend, and I've been in the army for the whole year and haven't got a lot of time to keep in touch with my former classmates. Sometimes we ran into each other though because her bf is a remote friend of mine. I knew that she had become a flight attendant meanwhile and since I want to become a pilot after my national service we always had a connection.

    At the beginning of january:
    So I would have my officer's ball at the beginning of february, and I figured out that I didn't wanna take a random girl with me but a good friend who would actually appreciate it. After new year's eve I was having a couple of drinks with her and her bf when the idea of taking her with me to the ball crossed my mind since she mentioned that she'd love to go to an officer's ball . So I asked her to come with me in front of her bf and she immediately said yes (he wasn't that amused, but he said he was cool with it). I also noticed that their relationship wasn't as great as it had been once.

    January till february:
    A few days after we met I fell hopelessly in love with her and got into an emotional conflict whether he or she should get priority. Since I've always liked her and I know that she truly is different to most girls I know, and that her bf was quite pissed of anyway, I decided to go for her. We kept in touch via text since she's abroad kinda often. Sometimes she wouldn't reply to a text, but would say she is sorry a few days afterwards. I wanted to meet her but we never made it, so I played cool and kept writing neutral texts in order not to screw it up before the ball where I would make my move.

    Officer's ball (last friday):
    I had only slept two hours the night before and was really devastated. I met her at the hotel room, where she was getting ready. The dinner was quite boring and I noticed that she was loosing interest, so I took her to the bar (alone, almost everybody else was going to a club where we could get in for free but we agreed we would stay at the bar) where she opened up (body language). She asked me what was going on in my life and I told her some army stuff which was a huge DHV since I got a lot of responsabilty I actually shouldn't be given (but I'm gooood). I knew I had failed to kino her so I wanted to fix it when 3 friends were joining us with their girls. Those damn bastards didn't get that I desperately needed privacy with her so they stayed until everybody was going to bed. I couldn't make my move that night and I failed to qualify her since I was stuck with teasing her. We kinda reconnected though and I realised that she still is an amazing girl I absolutely want.
    The next day we stayed in the city until the afternoon, going for a walk and a bit of shopping. Again I failed to make a move. I told her I wasn't sure yet what I would do in the evening because I would have several options. She said she didn't know either and proposed to get together with her bf (the three of us) for dinner or so. I thought I should show her that I have other stuff going on in my life too and said I already had plans. She also mentioned that her bf is too nice to her (because I didn't buy her some stuff she wanted ) and asked me to go to a club with him that night as she didn't want to go (right?!). Again, I said no. Then she asked me what kind of woman I like, I told her that I absolutely want a blonde (she's brunette). I told her that we probably wouldn't get along anyway and she had to laugh. Eventually we got home and went seperate ways. Later that night I sent her a text, saying I had fun with her and that I enjoyed it. She immediately replied with callback humor thanking me for taking her with me to the ball. She didn't go out that night and was already in bed (so she didn't meet her bf that night).

    On Valentine's day I sent her a text, asking whether a rose had made it to Kenia (where she headed out to on sunday and gets back this monday) and wishing her a nice Valentine's day, but I haven't got a response (yet).

    In my opinion, I played way too distanced being afraid that she could reject me. Therefore, I kept teasing her and not qualifying her at all. I'm really scared that I screwed up and I'm not sure about what to do, but I know for sure that only few girls would go to a ball with a guy whom they wouldn't want to sleep with.
    On one hand, she might actually be disappointed that I didn't make a move. On the other hand, I might have fallen into friend zone. I don't know whether it's a good idea to continue playing hard to get since I haven't shown any interest except for asking her for a meet up (before the ball). She might think I friend zone'd her...

    Option A:
    Writing her again and asking her for a meet up, being warmer and qualify her.

    Option B:
    Waiting for her to text me or let it cool off further and try again in a few weeks (while being warmer, of course).

    Please, guys, help me!

  2. Actually still hard to tell from what you've written.

    The majority of attraction is still on your side of the net. She wanted to go to a ball, and you gave her the opportunity. OK, that is a good sign of interest, but it's by no means a guarantee, of course.
    The good news is that if you are friendzoned, you have had some say in that. Essentially, it's not all her choice. The benefit being that you can lift that sanction equally as much as her.

    IF you'd slept with her at the ball, i think you'd have felt the effects of her getting buyers remorse and running. She'd feel too guilty over it and naturally respond by pushing you away. If you really feel this much for her (And to keep the other guys here at bay, I'm going to jump in and first suggest you go and try to seduce some other women, make sure she is THE one, not the one at hte moment)... Put things in perspective for yourself, does she truly beat a whole bunch of other women? and I don't just mean hypothetical women, or women you see pass you by, I mean women you've stopped and spoken to and got to a first date. Are you still backflipping for this girl? or is she slipping your memory?
    You don't need to sleep with ten other women, but you should have ten other women blipping on your radar (Trying to get in with the army talk... partial credit?!)

    But, IF you want to seduce her, then playing a longer game is fine, if not desirable.
    Seduction is not pick up. It's not the same quick process. You cant rest on your heels, but you can make the escalation last a little longer - it's part of the beautiful process and charm. So, don't worry that you've lost it all now because of one night.
    I've known some seductions that go on for a VERY long time (With a lot more occuring than this), and they've ended brilliantly. So, stop worrying.

    OK, depending how long since you last text her, give her a chance. You aren't close enough to know what's going on in her life, and you don't want to pressure her if it's something bad. Don't let the connection go cold yet (i don't think there's need for a freeze out), so give it a day or two.
    Same date rules as ever: fill your diary, get a load of fun events, and then mention them to her etc... see when she's most interested and free, then invite her.

    CALL HER rather than text.
    I can read a book if I want to read romance.. nothing compares to hearing the voice (except seeing the person... but that's why you're hearing the voice, right?!).

    So, get a conversation going.

    Also, same boyfriend rules apply - i.e., bloody ignore it. If she wants to forget about him and be with you, grant her that opportunity. If he comes up, respond, but be ready to move the conversation on. Meeting you should sweep her off her feet and take her mind off of him.

    Finally, don't be so cold next time... remarks like "i only like blondes" can work brilliantly BUT, only if you put them in a proper way. Just saying you don't want to date brunettes is pretty much saying "there's no chance for us"... don't be making too many more of those comments, ...

    Keep us updated.

  3. Yoyo91,

    from what I can read, you seem to have a pretty good connection with this woman. So far so good.
    There are a few things I believe you need to think about - and do - in order for you to take this to the next level:

    1) She has a BF.
    While that may not be of any moral concern to you (after all itīs her choice), it should be a practical concern to you.
    Even if she wants to be with you and chooses to do so, there is always some drama in the wake of any breakup. Remorse, guilt, missing the ex etc etc.
    Not to mention any drama that her BF may deliver.
    So if she chooses to leave him for you - prepare yourself for a period of drama. Do you want this?

    One of the biggest turn-ons for a woman who is attracted to you, is to tell her that you find her attractive but donīt want an attached woman.
    Itīs a huge DHV - I know this from personal experience - and if her relationship is on the rocks she will do something to make herself available to you.
    If she doesnīt she probably wouldnīt do it anyway.
    And think about this: If she is a woman who can be with one guy and still see another - what do you think will happen if you end up with her, and your relationship hits a bump in the road?
    Yup, she will probably do the same again.
    Is that working for you?

    There is an old motto saying: "The best revenge when another man steals your woman, is letting him keep her". Bear that in mind.

    2) Maverick is absolutely right: You need other women on your radar at this point. Dating, flirting etc.
    Yes, I know thatīs not what you FEEL like doing at this point, but itīs imperative that you do!
    You have fallen for this girl, so oneitis signs are imminent.
    And oneitis is a complete killer of straight thinking and keeping focus.

    3) Move from talk to action.
    Judging from the length and detail of your post, you have a tendency to talk too much and act too little.
    While this is a good thing in many respects - itīs not helping you right now.

    Make a plan of action. Find out what you are going to do, and execute the plan.
    While there is a risk of failure if you make a move (rejection, drama with BF etc), there is also a 100% risk of failure if you do nothing.

    If you are with her, control the frame and setting.
    Pull her away from the crowd, if you need privacy. Any excuse will do; "Honey, we need to talk over here. Military secrets, and the walls have ears..". Anything.
    And when you get to a point in the dialogue, where you are struggling to come up with new stuff to talk about, or simply feel that you are just talking polite BS - just tell you find this conversation boring...compared to what you really want to do. Grab her hand, lean in and kiss her. (example)
    At the end of the day, you canīt talk your way into this - you have to ACT.

    4) What to do next:
    Keep her interested. Keep the connection - and spend time on other women.
    Give her space to either leave her BF or move on.
    You donīt know the details of her relationship or whatīs going on in her life. And while itīs not really your responsibility, it WILL be your problem if you donīt know the whole story.

    Hope this helps.

  4. #4

    Thank you guys!

    To be honest, I dare to say she is at least a very special girl. But you are right, I need to figure out my options and re-evaluate them.
    I definitely need to be warmer and more charming though (not only to her) as this is probably one of my biggest sticking points. Being a great tool in attraction phase, it quickly becomes a handicap in qualifiation and comfort and it makes me easily look like a jerk if I can't switch it off. The thing is, it's quite a defense shield because it makes you look less vulnerable. I absolutely need to get in control of it.

    Oldfart, I think, only to some certain extent, of course, you sometimes simply need to trust in someone. I definitely argue that she would not cheat on a guy she's still truly in love with. As I said they're about to distance themselves from each other.

    Meanwhile, I texted her on sunday evening, telling her that I had seen the plane departing which would get her back from Africa and told her to stay polite to her guests. In a final sentence, I asked her whether she would be around during the week so we could get a drink. I felt like showing her that she spontaneously crossed my mind

    She replied this morning with a bit of humor, telling me that she was basically away all week, but we might catch up as soon as she knows her schedule next month. In the end, she wished me a nice day and told me that she would go snowboarding today.


  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    At your mom'house..

    In order to build comfort with someone you don't need to drop your attractiveness and become a pussy or "Vulnerable", You can keep being the Awesome/jerk/Badass you always are. What you need is a CONNECTION/A RAPPORT. What this mean is that you have to have things in common, it doesn't necessarily has to be you telling her a story about your puppy dying or some other sad emotional shit. It could be like you loving the same band as her, the same movies, having the same sort of sense of humor and things you find funny or interesting, etc. And Qualifying is easy once you know how to do it right. You can do like MeHow and start with silly questions like:

    "What is your special superpower?" or "What is your secret dorky behavior?", etc.

    From then you can move on to: "Can you cook?", "What are your ambitions?", etc.

    You can also say things like "Wow, you look really sexy today... You know that thing I said about me only liking blondes? Well, you're about to make me change my mind.. But first, one question, Can you cook?"

    You get the point.
    Keep it Fun, Control the Frame.

  6. #6


    She replied this morning with a bit of humor , telling me that she was basically away all week, but we might catch up as soon as she knows her schedule next month. In the end, she wished me a nice day and told me that she would go snowboarding today.
    She has an appartment she lives at when she's working (quite near to where I do my service) but her "real" home is pretty close to mine, too. She was home during the week, and she would have her next flight on friday. Therefore, she was supposed to go to her appartment on friday. So we sort of switched places.
    I told her to come to her appartment on thursday evening already, so we could meet (with a of course). I also asked with whom she would go snowboarding and mentioned I'd rather do the same than sitting in a bunker (sort of qualification?)
    No answer till today...

    Referring to "Phone and text game" I'd say she is something between a medium and a long fuse. She returns most of my texts but is somewhat ressistant to meet-ups (I don't know whether she actually doesn't have time or is simply making excuses).

    I don't get it though. It's quite the same situation than before the ball, she always responds playfully and with warmth, but we had never got together before the ball (she took two days of for it though). How can I get her to a meet up?!

  7. #7

    Well, there has nothing happened until now... My new plan is to wait till she calls or writes me. If I don't hear from her at the end of march I'll re-initiate contact because the freeze out would have been a month then.

    I was reviewing the whole weekend with a friend last night when it became clear to me, that she had offered me a handful of chances to hook up with her. The day after the ball, on our way home, she asked me several times what I would do later that day, told me that her bf was way too nice to her and that she couldn't imagine having the same guy around for the rest of her life.

    Given these were actual chances, did I screw it up or just turned her down that day? I still wonder why she doesn't want to meet me anymore (or she actually is that busy). Could it be that she had feelings for me too and I sort of broke her heart?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    At your mom'house..

    Could it be that she had feelings for me too and I sort of broke her heart?
    Nope. But it could be that she wanted to get fucked by you and you pussed out and didn't give it to her so she lost interest....or she really could be that busy. But if you like someone you make room for them in your life, you don't spend a month without talking to them. So I would say just move on, game more girls, that's always the right answer. Once you have 2,3,5 or even 10 girls on your plate that your gaming, you stop questioning yourself and asking "where did I screw up?", you also stop "reviewing the whole weekend with your buddy" because you simply don't care, if you fucked up with one, you got the other ones. So just move on. If she calls you or contacts you in any way, then go back to Gaming her from Scratch. Building back the attraction, etc.

  9. Yoyo,
    be careful you donīt think this into the toilet.
    You are over-analyzing your own and her behaviour. Itīs really not rocket science

    Da KingPin is bang on.
    You have your head so far up her ass that you have no real perspective of her, yourself or the many women you could be seeing instead.
    Leave her alone, donīt reinitiate anything. Focus on other women, and I wouldnīt be surprised at all if she returns once you are dating other babes.
    For some reason thatīs the way the universe works

  10. #10

    I wrote her tonight (since it's been 3 weeks now), telling her that I hadn't heard from her for ages and asked how she was. I told her that I'd like to see her again in the near future.

    She immediately responded (well, as soon as she got online) telling me that she is in Capetown with her dad right now and that they are having a great time. She told me that she would have a few days off soon and that I should ping her again (with a ;-)).

    What do you think?

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