Insecurity and Neediness - Same Mistakes?

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  1. #1

    Insecurity and Neediness - Same Mistakes?

    We all know how relationships work. Trust, communication, sexual chemistry, attraction, etc. is what really makes a relationship solid and concrete. I know this, and I know the basics.

    I know not to be needy, not to be jealous, to be dominant, to be the "rock" of emotion in the relationship, to not let insecurities get the best of me, to come from a position of understanding when faced with problems, to be well-kept, clean, in control and all of that good stuff.

    I've been in a relationship before the current one I'm in, and I've taken a ton of internal lessons from that one before entering this one, but I'll be the first to admit, that yes, I'm still having problems.

    Insecurity. For some reason lately I've been finding myself thinking more and more about her and other guys, who she's talking to via Twitter, Facebook, texting, etc. and it gets to me. Yes, she talks to other guys as her friends, and I do the same for other women, but for some reason I tend to overthink and overanalyze situations that she gets into. It's even gotten to the point where it's hard for me to sleep because my subconscious mind literally throws the worst of the worst case scenarios in my head and I wake up in somewhat of a rut in the mornings. I've never faced this problem in my old relationship mainly because I've never been in a legitimate relationship before that one so I didn't really think too much about the pain that I've ever felt before (heartache after a break-up).

    Neediness. Just today I find myself at a loss of words of how pathetic I'm looking. Not in front of her, but in front of myself. We walked to our class together at 2 and typically after class at around 3:15 I go to her room and see her but she wasn't there today. I checked back up about an hour later and she still wasn't there. I guess I overanalyzed but we're going out to dinner together about 45 minutes away from campus because she had work yesterday night on Valentine's Day. We're a close couple, really. But I don't want these pathetic girly emotions getting in the way of something great.

    So, I guess my main question is:

    How do I avoid insecurity and neediness down the line?

    For those of you who know me, you know that I'm an avid poster on TAF and I give genuine advice that comes from personal experience. Yet, I'm reaching out to the best of the community right now for some relationship advice. I need some perspective here.

    Regards,
    BetterThan



  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Well you've diagnosed the problem in a way that appears to fit the evidence that you chose to present. I don't think that anyone here would disagree with your conclusion that there some neediness and insecurity going on here. But in terms of helping you, we're going to need more.

    Were you this way with other women? Have you always been this way with her? If the answer to either question is no, then what do you think happened or changed, and why?
    Love Systems President, Program Leader

    1 - Read the Magic Bullets Handbook - it's the bible of the Love Systems community, answers 90% of the questions here, and saves you years of time re-inventing the wheel.
    2 - Follow me on The Real Savoy Blog, or my twitter account. And friend me on Facebook for exclusive dating advice I don't post anywhere else.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Savoy View Post
    Well you've diagnosed the problem in a way that appears to fit the evidence that you chose to present. I don't think that anyone here would disagree with your conclusion that there some neediness and insecurity going on here. But in terms of helping you, we're going to need more.

    Were you this way with other women? Have you always been this way with her? If the answer to either question is no, then what do you think happened or changed, and why?
    I wasn't always this way with her - before, I held a legitimate, concrete frame that gushed confidence and happiness. I've held that frame for awhile now but it seems as though it's slowly slipping from my hands. She's one of "those" women that look as though they have no emotion and are constantly happy all the time (it's hard to explain, but essentially she's independent by accident) and it's always been that way. I'm the kind of guy that gets into a relationship and really puts my all into it. Sometimes I just feel as though she doesn't put her all into the relationship, but being the genuine guy I am, I know that's just a part of her personality.

    A little more background (for Savoy, if you can reply again that'd be great):

    We're both freshmen in college, living in the same dorm (she lives 2 floors above me), I've met her family more than enough times to be comfortable with them, she's met my family, we have a great connection and basically it's the works. We've been in an exclusive relationship (facebook official) for 2 months on the 20th and we both gave great Valentine's Day gifts to each other this past Tuesday. Tonight we went out to dinner, went back to her house, talked with her parents and hung out, then saw The Vow. I know things seem great, but for some reason my insecurity keeps on crawling back slowly and steadily. At some point tonight, I know that I'll subconsciously think about bad or unwanted scenarios revolving around her and other guys. I guess the problem does stem within myself, but working through inner game has always been a small issue for me, even whilst being single and enjoying myself with multiple women. I've never been attached to a woman in the last year since my cheating ex, but now that it's come, I feel a loss of power to some extent and I need to regain some perspective.

    Maybe I'm just overanalyzing, but things seem to be going well. No real problems, good chemistry, good sex, etc. but the logistics are a bit off. I live 2 hours from college and she lives about 5 miles from campus, so summer may be an issue but I'll address that problem when it rises.

    Oh, and also, Savoy, when do you know how to say "I love you" to a woman. My ex said it to me the first month of the relationship so I never really thought about it too much after that. I feel like I'm falling for her right now and want to say something, but I know it's a huge no-no in the PUA world to say "I love you" first to a woman.

    What do you guys think?

    Thank you for any future replies.

    -BetterThan

  4. #4

    Need some responses here guys.

  5. Read your own thread: http://www.theattractionforums.com/g...mbination.html

    You can't control what she feels, so stop wasting time over analyzing. If she is attracted to some other dude now, so be it. Girls are attracted to men that have value (men who have value know that ONE girl ain't a big deal).

    Most guys in your situation would start chasing her more and more in order to get her.

    The more you push, the more she will pull away.

  6. #6

    Wish I could think of something helpful, BetterThan You know I'm rooting for you! From what you are writing it really sounds like things are going well. Her happiness and independence are really good traits and I'm wondering if living near campus has had an effect on her growing up.

    It sounds like maybe you just need some way to work off some nervous energy. If you are lying awake at night, why not amp up your phsycial exercise. Cut out caffeine, etc. Being in college gives you so many opportunities to try new things: clubs, sports, academics. Why not try something you've always been interested in to devote some of your extra time to.

    You could always do some writing exercises where you write down all your concerns physically on a piece of paper and then, again physically, tear the paper in pieces. You could talk to yourself in front of a mirror. I know it sounds a little silly, but I often have very theraputic conversations with myself Tell yourself your fears. Pray. Meditate.

    Hope things are seeming better in the morning. They often do

    Edit: Oh! And music! Listen to serene classical music at night and upbeat music in the morn. Here's my favorite song currently.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrWI-9GTHKM

  7. Hmmm, dont know if this would do anything for you, but do you have a friend who can help keep you in check. My wing man's gf is my therapist of sorts. My best friend also helps keep me sane even though she is evil and cruel to most men... She gives me hugs that keep me happy.

  8. #8

    Thanks for the responses, guys.

    I'm just overanalyzing the situation when it really doesn't need to be put into such nervous terms like I've been doing. I'm just gonna start doin' me, working out, working on school work, clean up my room, get myself together, hang out with friends, etc. and just make the best of each day. I need to stop focusing so much needless energy on her and start sharing that good vibing energy with myself. I know that I can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it, I just need to envision the future.

    I'll start working on these unnecessary traits ASAP.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by jkdblind View Post
    Read your own thread: http://www.theattractionforums.com/g...mbination.html

    You can't control what she feels, so stop wasting time over analyzing. If she is attracted to some other dude now, so be it. Girls are attracted to men that have value (men who have value know that ONE girl ain't a big deal).

    Most guys in your situation would start chasing her more and more in order to get her.

    The more you push, the more she will pull away.
    I'm asking for personal advice - not obvious information that I already created myself.

    I guess I'm looking for inner game/relationship advice, it seems as though those are the two least abundant topics covered on these boards (unfortunately, they're some of the most important).

  10. #10
    Join Date
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    Let me tell you how much I enjoyed your post on neediness. I feel your pain man. I think so many people on this forum feel exactly what you are going through. When it comes down to it, insecurity is the number one killer of attraction. You can have amazing looks and all the self confidence in the world when you begin a relationship, but if you start feeling and acting insecure it WILL kill the attraction, believe me.

    I just got out of a relationship exactly like the one you're in. It started out amazingly, and my ex-girlfriend was head over heels in love with me for a while....but then came my insecurity. Why don't you ask yourself this question....WHY are you feeling so insecure?

    It's probably because you're thinking insecure thoughts, which are leading to insecure emotions and feelings, which cause you to act out in an insecure and needy manner. Jealousy, clinginess, neediness, controlling behavior, and approval seeking behavior all stem from a root cause of insecurity. How can YOU fix this? Realize that you're responsible for how YOU feel, and she simply isn't. YOU control your thoughts, emotions, and actions. If YOU are constantly thinking negative and insecure thoughts, you will feel negative and insecure emotions, and you will act insecure, jealous, controlling, etc.

    So how do you stop these thoughts and feelings? One thing that has been massively helpful to me (as mentioned in the "Inner Game" interview series) is reading books that are TANGENTIAL to game. Books about game are not going to rid your insecurity and help a negative self image. Some of my favorites so far have been as follows:

    The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
    Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
    Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins
    Obsessive Love by Susan Forward
    The Science of Self Confidence by Brian Tracey

    There's an excellent inner game book thread on here...READ IT!!!

    The further you progress into a relationship, the more important your internal beliefs and mindsets (Inner Game) become. Remember that you are the strong dominant male who attracted this wonderful woman in the first place, so never stop being that man. Pursue other hobbies and activities in your life. Keep your mind occupied and focus on what you have and what you're working towards. Find your passion and purpose in life and pursue it and achieving your goals at all costs!!!

    DO NOT LET YOUR WOMAN BECOME YOUR PURPOSE AND THE SOLE SOURCE OF YOUR EMOTIONS!!!!

    She is a supplement to your life, and with her or with out her YOU will succeed. If this relationship fails you KNOW that you will move on and recover. Be confident that nothing that she or anyone else throws at you could bring you down. I know how difficult relationships like this can be...so use it as a learning experience.

    Make positive improvements in your life to rid yourself of insecurity. DO IT FOR YOU. Not for her. Imagine what you could achieve in life if you were completely secure and confident in your abilities. Do not be afraid to lose your woman, and do not be afraid of her cheating on you. If she did cheat on you, you would be able to move on completely and learn positive lessons from the situation. I'm not a frequent poster on here, but I found this thread and could relate to exactly how you're feeling. I hope my words of wisdom have been helpful. Just remember that YOU are solely responsible for your thoughts, emotions, and actions. YOU make the choice what to think, feel, and do.

    P.S. a small technique for ridding those nasty insecure thoughts:

    As Bryan Tracey says, " You become what you think about most of the time." When I feel insecure or negative thoughts, I allow my internal dialogue to verbalize the word STOP. I say it to myself strongly and assertively, and form a mental image of a stop sign or a stop light changing from yellow to red. Once you've stopped the thought, reframe it into something positive.

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