Girlfriend is a chronic white liar
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  1. #1

    Girlfriend is a chronic white liar

    My girlfriend of about a year seems to lie frequently about very insignificant things (like the date of her birthday, for example).

    Lying is something that I would normally not tolerate in a relationship at all because it's a huge pet peeve of mine, but I've never caught her lying about anything substantial. It's always little things that leave me thinking why would anyone would lie about such random and small details.

    I'm posting here because I'm starting to doubt my trust in her. If she lies about insignificant things, is that a gateway to lying about stuff that actually matters? What do you guys think?

    Also, is there any way I can fix this? My current strategy is to just get upset and disappointed when she lies (setting my boundaries and pushing away to show disapproval). But that doesn't seem to be working. Any thoughts?

  2. #2

    If a girl lies about small things, she will lie about big things. Happened in a previous relationship. She lied about stupid shit and I would be baffled but went along. Slowly, the lies began to encompass bigger issues.

    Call her out on her bullshit and if you feel your trust in her is slipping, you should consider ending the relationship. Some people might say to work through it, but imo, lying is a psychological issue (chronic lying) and it's not my job to help people get their mental shit together.

  3. #3

    Is there anyone who has perhaps had a different experience where they did something and saw a decrease in the small lies? Unfortunately, I agree with everything you said d_downs but it's hard to end a year long relationship that had no other significant problems other than this.

  4. #4

    Tell her.

    You shouldn't be conditioning her like a lab rat, she should be conditioning herself because she wants to stay with you.

    Thus, let her know how you feel about this situation.

    If she doesn't stop, get out and don't think twice it's alright.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by Sir HC View Post
    Is there anyone who has perhaps had a different experience where they did something and saw a decrease in the small lies? Unfortunately, I agree with everything you said d_downs but it's hard to end a year long relationship that had no other significant problems other than this.
    But lying IS a significant problem. Sure it's not a problem on the same scale as other more obvious things but it's still grounds for a serious talk with her. It's not "ordinary" to lie about things constantly, no matter what they are. If someone is lying about their age, their job, their height and things, it's just weird. It's enough to cause trust issues as evidenced by your own post there so it's worth bringing up. You may not have to end the relationship but at least get this out in the open with her.

    I would be pretty concerned about being in a relationship with someone who I myself labelled a "chronic liar".

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    NorthEast US

    Growing up I had a good friend who was a pathological liar. I mean he would lie about the dumbest things, things that didn't matter at all to anyone. Eventually it cost him all of his friends, because it is difficult to trust someone who lies to your face when you both know the truth.

    This is an actual mental illness in which the "sick" person can not control themselves from lying, very often about things that the lie offers no benefit over the truth. The only known treatment is psychotherapy, and even that is no guarantee of a cure. Look up Pseudologia fantastica and see if it sounds familiar.

    BTW: Just because someone is a pathological liar, doesn't mean she will cheat on you or do anything bad to you at all. It just becomes extremely difficult to trust someone like this in a serious relationship.

  7. #7

    I had this relationship with a similar girl; I don't know if I would define it pathological, but it was certainly the worst case of chronic lying I had ever seen. I realized it after about one month we were together: she would lie about the tiniest things — they were mostly related to what she thought would upset me — and, when caught, even when evident, she would never admit she was lying.

    For me this was a serious issue: I'd rather be upset than be deceived. As soon as I realized this, I didn't let it happen, even if it was trivial things. I wouldn't get upset — if I was absolutely certain this was a lie, I would just look at her in the eyes and tell her: That's a lie.
    You'd be surprised how powerful this is. She would get really upset, but I usually wouldn't go on.
    Then, once, when she started defending her lie, I just brought her lie to the extreme; I didn't lose my temper, just rationally destroyed everything she was saying to cover that lie (which got to ridiculous levels, by the way).
    At some point she was so stressed she just couldn't bear it anymore (telling lies is one of the most stressful things even for people who are used to them) and started crying; I didn't lose my temper, but just wouldn't let her defend her lie; so she just ran away from my house (she was staying at my place at that time).
    I let her go, didn't follow her, didn't do nothing.

    She came back. She apologized (though she didn't directly admit it was a lie, but I didn't push it), and, as far as I know, she stopped lying to me.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a relationship you have to get your foundation straight. I'm not saying it's impossible to fix things after one year; but don't let things that you don't accept happen, even if they seem small and trivial at first: as soon as you realize them, get them straight.

  8. #8

    Hard to say if it's a gateway to major lies, but are they things you're picking up on, or her admitting to?

  9. #9

    Was she doing this in the beginning? Talk about a red flag.

  10. I think the more important question is, has she given you a reason not to trust the things she says or does? Otherwise it isn't worth trying to analyze her behavior and you may end up creating a problem.

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