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06-30-2006, 02:48 PM #1bluehonour Guest
Everyone, I need your input on this. My story in a nutshell: I am dating a wonderful girl for about 2 months. Beatiful, smart etc etc... I give her a lot of love too. Not in a wussy way, but my acts show that I like her. BUT, recently, I am having trouble seeing that she likes me. This fucking hurts because I like her. We are going to road tripping tomorrow morning, which she proposed in the first place. I called her 5 minutes ago to discuss the details. I also told that I don't want to do anything tonight because I am sort of broke. She says, "that's okay, I don't need to see you tonight, I will be seeing you all weekend" and then I laugh at this and say "sounds like you really missed me" and she responds "I just saw you on tuesday." Is this something that a girl would say to someone she is passionate about? I have strong suspicions that she really likes me. This makes me like her husband for 25 years instead of her new, ultra-hot boyfriend. This is far too much for my ego. I am about to give her a second call and say that I want her to tell directly how she feels about me. I am not going to be in a relationship where I am not LOVED. Please input opinion on how to communicate this. I am kind of emotional right now and need to hear sound opinions...I might break up and it hurts big time.
If you were me, would you break up? (fuckin hurts right now)
06-30-2006, 02:58 PM #2
Okay, easy call here. You're being too needy. Even deep into a relationship, getting too needy is NOT ATTRACTIVE. If you call her with an ultimatum like this, and even if she passes for the moment and says the things you want to hear, it might well lead to her dumping you not so far down the line.
You need to internalize the idea that you can be happy on your own, and that you don't need her love to be a complete person. There's this whole deal about loving yourself before you can be loved...if you have to be loved to feel good about yourself, it's a problem.
I've been there myself at your age and know it's hard. What you're about to do is a huge mistake, I have no doubt. Just focus on enjoying your time with her and stop looking for signs of her vast passionate love. If you chase it, you will lose it.
06-30-2006, 03:07 PM #3Certified Live Training Graduate Lounge Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2006
Dude, you're acting like a girl. I mean that in the nicest possible way.
But WAKE UP.
You've been going out for 2 months. She isn't your property. She's an individual, same as you. She needs time away from you to appreciate the good thing she has in being together with you. GIVE HER THAT TIME. Allow her to be a person, not just a teddy bear who sops up your tears every time you need to know "how she feels about you".
If she didn't like you, she wouldn't give you the time of day.
Why do you need her attention twenty-four hours of the day?
Leave her alone. Set aside your ego. Relationships are about two people co-existing interdependently, not an oversensitive drama queen and a self-assured woman who has to tolerate said queen's emotional outbursts.
I get the feeling you think she might resent you for not having any cash.
WHO FUCKING CARES IF YOU DON'T HAVE CASH?!?! That's not why she got together with you in the first place is it?
Do you understand the potential for anticipation within a relationship?
If you have the skills to go out and get a girl just as good as this one tonight, why are you worried about how this girl feels about you, considering she's already committed to you now? You're thinking like a woman. You're overanalyzing everything. Look forward to the time you will be spending together, and find something else equally satisfying to do with your time till then. Go out and sarge with no expectation of otucome in mind. Go hang-gliding. Write a story. Paint a picture. Go on a road trip with friends. I don't care what you do, but don't wrap your life around seeing a woman. You're giving all your self-worth to her, and with that, she will flee the moment sdhe realizes your only source of happiness is when you're with her.
Get out of your head, and go live.
06-30-2006, 03:11 PM #4bluehonour Guest
Starman, first of all, thanks for your input.
Already left her a message
I already called her and left her a message saying that I want to talk her. So I guess I messed up already. She will probably call me in 2 hours. Maybe I should make up something else to talk. I don't know.
What you are saying makes sense to me. However, I am still feeling needy. I am having a hard time accepting that a girl like her might not be going crazy for me. Maybe I feel this way because I give her love and attention.
I know, I am needy. How am I gonna get over this man?
By the way, I am also dating a new girl and she IS giving me attention. I started dating new one to avoid one-itis for the other girl. I guess it is not working.
06-30-2006, 03:18 PM #5
bluehonor, you sounds a lot less needy in this newer post. Good start! And dating many women is the way to get less needy, and you're doing that. Again, good. It will take some time.
There's nothing wrong with loving someone, but you have the mentality that she has to be doing certain things to show that she's super in love with you in the same way. She's spending the time with you, going on trips with you. It's HEALTHY for her to not need to see you every day. Chances are if she did, you'd get tired of her quickly.
So when she calls back, talk to her about some roadtrip logistics or something. I would not bring this up if you really want to keep this girl around.
And hey, on this road trip go back and work on building attraction again. DHV. Be cocky/funny. Be understanding, but don't supplicate. Remind her why she was attracted in the first place. If you've been doing too much and acting needy, whether you think you have or not you might be, she could be taking things from granted. If you're strong enough, freeze her out a little bit and wait for her to chase you. Don't be mean about it or anything, but let her be the one wondering if you still love her as much as she thought instead of the other way around. Only two months in, I think these tactics are still apropos.
06-30-2006, 03:26 PM #6bluehonour Guest
Starman and Oneiricon, thank you very very much. You guys are two wonderful beings. (Okay, I shouldn't get too emotional here...) but seriously thanks...
I guess I needed to hear this
I've been reading DavidD stuff on inner game etc for a long time. And I really thought that I was getting it. The real thing is different man. Much different. I now understand that it is hard to GROW UP. But, I am on my way. With your input...
As oneiricon puts it, she is not my teddy bear. She has her own life. Indeed, she behaves very congruent with this attitude. I am gonna get there too.
On a side note, I am the one who is about the finish a PhD on my dream subject whereas she is still not sure what she wants with life. I mean, I do have a life.
Immediate issue is, what am I gonna say when she calls back? :-P The voice mail I left says that I want to talk to her in a serious, pissed off attitude (me before being shaken in the head!) Shoot :-)
06-30-2006, 03:27 PM #7
- Join Date
- May 2006
- Puerto Rico
Starman, nice suggestions!
Chill man. You're head over feet for her. Put your feet back on the ground.
As StarMan says, needy is not attractive.
Just have fun with her. And, and internilize this,::: do not, be afraid to loose her. There's a lot of other women out there.
Go on the road trip, and have the time of your life.
And for the love of god, don't let her know that you would want her to be more "needy" of you.
Needy does not entail needy.
Just my 0.02. Be cool man... be chill.
06-30-2006, 03:31 PM #8
Tell her you wanted to let her know you'd be bringing a whole shitload of showtune CDs on the trip and that she'd better be all right with that. Then laugh and say you were in a funny mood. Ask her what's up, BS a little, exit.
At your age in my total super AFC days when I was working on my own PhD, I killed at least two relationships with answering machine messages. One time I really lost it and crashed and burned really, really badly. It's funny now. It really is.
Please, find a way to make a big joke about it or otherwise blow it off.
06-30-2006, 04:39 PM #9
- Join Date
- Apr 2006
- British Columbia
Hey Starman how'd you get over the 'needy' feelins?
But Bluehonour chill for sure... the two monther shit shouldn't be overly serious yet!! Have fun man... but I got a busy mind (sounds like you do too obviously) and for me, I just gotta find something to occupy my mind and time!! Idle time fucks me!! I sit and stew about what ever could be happening with blah blah blah...
Find somethin to do!!
Check out 7 Habits of Highly Effective People... kill two birds with one stone... it keeps you occupied and it will directly adress some of the issues your talkin about!!
06-30-2006, 04:39 PM #10bluehonour Guest
Guys, I just saved the day on the phone! woohoo! This was a visible improvement on my skills. I am so proud :-) On my way out of neediness.
Here's what happened: I told her I am bringing a bunch of nerdy npr CD's to listen on the way. She says fine and asks "is this what you wanted to talk?" I go yes and start laughing. She starts laughing and calls me a dork. Asks me to not leave such serious and short messages next time. And I said "no, actually, there is something else. I just learned I am HIV+ and wanted to talk about it." She goes "yeah right." and laughs. I guess I did a good job of saving the day. This was good man. I feel good. I am getting over my neediness.
Starman, Regimen, and Oneiricon, thanks for your time and effort. I hope I can help someone in the future.