social circle - social value/status
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  1. social circle - social value/status

    Hi guys,

    Ive just recently joined a new group of people in college, and id like to become friends with them and have a good social status among them, or be known as the cool/intresting guy. Well i know this doesnt happen over night,.. so i need to spend time with them and show that i have an intresting life and all. But things arent working out exactly as ive planned.

    Sometimes i say some things stupid or not clever,.. not that im dumb but we just sometimes make mistakes you know.. and when i do so.. somehow that group laughs at me and it decreases my social status.. its happend a few times and one of the guys is even treating me like im dumb.. for example when one of them is sitting in class behind a laptop and iask them in a playfull way: "you know that the class is over right?" And he replies: well i think if you know that then id certainly know that too now dont i?

    I feel like.. and i may be wrong with this.. that every mistake i make is being emphasized on and beimg made fun off. It makes me insecure and it makes me no longer wanting to talk to them in fear of that im getting humiliated.

    So.. i was hoping,.. since you guys probably know how to turn a group of strangers into your new best friends.. what would you guys do in this situation? How would you fix it? What do you think of it? Ive been told before that i should keep in mind that this is just the way i see it, that it may or may not be true.. but it just really frustrates me you know..

  2. You need to change yourself. Improve your inner game.

    You care too much about what these guys say to you when they DLV you. They sense that, so you continue to DLV yourself when they DLV you.

    I'd even consider finding a new group of friends to start fresh with. It's very hard to reframe this.

  3. #3

    hello ravager20 1st off, Men say things.. to try to find out what kind of.. guy you are. just forget, move on that instant and be unaffected. remember that everyone.. judges anothers status, he may.. not like or just.. jealous! of your status. ALSO it takes time and effort... forming a social circle.

  4. Hey, sorry for the late reply. But thanks for the advice guys!
    However,.. ditching these guys isnt really an option. But what can i possibly do with these situations? I mean sometimes i just say things without or just minimal thinking.. so i dont remain quiet all the time. And then (its often just this one or two persons who do it) they dlv me somehow..

    Just makes me feel insecure and mainly unwelcome cause im the new guy ya know.
    What do you do against it? How do you reframe yourself? N why do these guys actually do it anyway?

    Could you guys give me some insight on this? Not that i want to nag, but this is just bugging me n im curious to solving it.

  5. For some reason everybody says "just move on" all the mother F@<Kin' time on this forum. It's easy for you all to say. Shouldn't we all try more of a challenge instead of just throwing your hands up in frustration and giving up? To me "move on" just sounds like cheap advice and the easy way to do nothing but bump a thread.

  6. I agree with Rockynova partially, for some people 'moving on' would be better said if it more closely defined. how do you exactly move on from a certain bad situation? On the other hand,.. i do move on most of the time on most things,.. what else can we do? time goes on now anyway..

    but could you guys tell me how exactly i could 'reframe' myself in this social group? I mean i cant just move out and find a new dorm just because these people see me as inferior or however they see me. I just dont really feel like i fit in.. but maybe I'm just the one who feels that way and it may be wrong, but because i feel it, they sense it and they make me feel lonely or sumthing?

    I just wanna know how i can either reframe myself, or how to react to situation where they DLV (off course i tend to ignore it and move on but soon i find myself left out of the group because they rather hang out with other people then me?)

  7. I had this exact situation my freshmen year with my roommate and his friends. Not to reiterate, but the solution was to move on. However, I've since come to realize why I've been more successful since leaving this group, and what was wrong with the situation.

    The group I was in initially formed during a church retreat. The other people in the group were not super-religious (they drank and partied like everyone else), but were rather conservative in their politics, dress, music taste and hobbies. I was in a weird position of hanging around them a lot without having much in common with them.

    Since we valued different things, I couldn't really bring anything of value to the table. Even though I was a pretty cool guy, I got made fun of randomly for seemingly no reason, simply because the group didn't need me but I still hung around. This is the problem with dorm-based groups, having a shared interest isn't guaranteed, and if it isn't there you'll have a tough time fitting in.

    Later on I found friends with whom I had more common interests. These were mostly theater/artistic people: They didn't care either way about religion, appreciated my taste in music and liked that I was passionate about theater. The work I put into acting and tech caused me to gain their respect, since this was something they valued.

    So in short, find something you enjoy doing and find others who also enjoy doing it. Work hard at it and you'll get noticed for the value you bring.

  8. T0rch's advice is good.

    Here's my take on how to improve yourself a bit in the process, whether or not you move on to another more positive group: you need to accept and value yourself irrespective of what other people think. It's the mentality that you're not here to impress anyone. You know your worth.

    So, starting with that, you can allow yourself to laugh at your mistakes, too. I'm not sure if you do this or not, but try not to make a big deal out of your messups. If they're as small as you say, then what's the big deal? Laugh at it and move on.

    As for dealing with douches like that guy, there are many ways to outwit the douche. For example, when that guy said, "well if you know class is over, then i know it too" or whatever, you could've just jokingly said something like, "woah! easy there, McGruber! it's no big deal!" Something simple and silly like that to show that you aren't fretting over his insult goes a long way to show that his opinion is nothing more than mere entertainment to you. It also doubles as a way to make him look like a douche for over-reacting to your original comment. The important thing is to do all this in a playful way, but not waiting for a laugh. Just chuckle or whatever and move on like you don't care.

    Overall, you need to work on confidence. And get real friends.

    Good luck!

  9. I went through a similar thing. I realised that its just banter and once you start giving it back, it smoothes out. If you dont give it back then from your perspective it seems as though they're picking on you, but from there perspective its easy fun.

    Atleast this was it for me.

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