Thread: Advice from the outside
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11-02-2011, 03:07 PM #1
Think this is one of those problems where it's obvious when you ain't in the middle of it, so am reaching out people.
Advice from the outside
Seeing girl for about a year now and she went back to where she is from, about 180 miles away a couple of weeks ago, got with her after she moved here and have been there with her but couldn't this time. She always comes back missing where she is from which is natural, and was same this time, tried to comfort by saying that it's good she has a past there and it's not a bad thing to have friends and roots etc.
Was two weeks ago now and girl has been down ever since to be honest, had big thing where she was doubting our relationship even, and has been really inconsistent with her thoughts, know that girls can get like that and have tried to comfort with her thoughts, but have also pointed out that if she doesn't want to be here or doesn't know if she wants to be with me than she shouldn't be.
Through relationship have always had her initiating with txts and calls even up until last week and Sunday night when she just made short call as was busy, but since has not called or txt for three nights, know this wouldn't seem a big deal but know from the fact that she txts all the time that this isn't right. Did txt her on Tuesday just teasing and she did reply and had conversation but has again gone nc tonight.
Have had a lot of conversations since she got back and do see her around most days, we don't work at same place but see each other from there, since coming back hasn't said she loves me and have hugged her few times but nothing more.
From perspective now, how do I deal with this, I mean we have even talked today and teased her about wearing patches, as in to get over an addiction, was something from beginning of relationship, but she still hasn't txt, am caught between just leaving it and going phone nc even though I will see her, or txting her to finish it and go from there.
11-03-2011, 12:14 PM #2
Any thoughts people??
11-03-2011, 12:32 PM #3
- Join Date
- Oct 2006
Tough to understand you, but I'll give you some thoughts. This is typical behavior by women that guys complain about on this site. You are starting to care more than her about this relationship, that equals a problem. So she moved 180 miles away, how often do you see her? Just go no contact, keep yourself busy, and she will eventually let you know whats going on in her head.
11-03-2011, 01:06 PM #4
Sorry if wasn't clear, she hasn't moved away just went back home for a weekend couple of weeks ago, has been fucked up since.
You are absolutely right though, I am and I know it as well as saying things I wouldn't ever say, have had strong frame throughout this year but feel that iv fucked up now, ain't sure if there is a way back. See this girl around a lot anyway, so is harder to go complete nc.
11-03-2011, 01:16 PM #5
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
I disagree with going no contact. You are in a relationship with her and something is obviously wrong here. This is not a game of chicken to see who blinks first, this is a problem in a serious relationship and it's probably worth at least a discussion to see what's up before you start pulling back. You can't be afraid to take the lead in bringing up serious discussions, otherwise you might never get the chance to have them. If the girl is always the one who is left bringing up the serious issues or questions in a relationship which inevitably will require discussion (these come up in most relationships at some point- as things progress, how could they not?) she won't respect you as much. For all you know, she may need your support but be unsure how to ask for it for some reason, and you could be really damaging your relationship by pulling back at this juncture. Tell her that it is obvious she is upset and you want to be there for her. If it's something to do with the relationship, reassure her that you would like to discuss it and see if it can be fixed. If she does have doubts about wanting to be with you or her interest is fading come back to these boards, but don't jump to that conclusion before talking to her. It is kind of silly to say someone "cares too much" about a relationship. A year is a long time. Caring is normal. It would be weird to spend a year in a relationship which you didn't care that much about. Life is short, don't waste your time on things or people you don't care about. If you care about this relationship, then cutting down contact after a year of being together makes no sense, and would reflect a serious misunderstanding about how to handle LTRs.
11-03-2011, 03:41 PM #6
This is my thinking because of the fact it has been so long, it ain't like the start of things, seems to be a split on here between what u have said and not to bring up issues, but have done the former and said to her today how things stood with me and that I do realise she is pushing things away a little. Talked for a while and did once say that it isn't bad to talk about things and brought up feelings, I mean at this stage iv said enough about how I feel that she knows, but at same time was string in what I was saying. She txt tonight, said she was sorry if she messed my head up, stepped over it and didn't mention, just kept it light.
Am going to have to have strong frame now though for a while as a lot has been opened past couple of weeks and want to get things up to as before, any thoughts on behaviour??
11-03-2011, 03:43 PM #7
By this I'm meaning that in this time she hasn't said the little things like I love you or kissed, hugged to much, I have a little and played around with her a bit, but haven't been too flirty or sexual etc and don't want to lose attraction.
11-04-2011, 03:18 AM #8
Ok new morning new day. Although the situation was initiated by her and her uncertainty, the fact is that is was me that changed in my behaviour in that I reacted, which hasn't happened until now. She went away saying that. She wished I was going with her, txt me all night when she was in a club, called me next day and txt throughout the time she was there, even called on way home, and then got back and hit me with doubts, which I'm going to admit fucked with my head. Instead of staying cool though I guess I reacted back on a few occasions we have talked, even calling her out on things she was saying instead of just riding it out, she was still calling, and when she went without contact for a day or so was txting saying she didn't want me to think I was ignoring her.
At the time was trying to stay cool actually, but guess it messed with my head and did talk about future etc a lot with her, and over the two and half weeks with the calling out and things iv said, i suppose iv become a figure of more stress to her, another problem instead of someone that is an escape from them, my actions haven't always been that great with this and I guess I'm paying the price, even yesterday she more or less said she hasn't txt or called for few days as we were having the same conversation, though it wasn't always me starting.
Although my head is all over the place, and I know that this could have killed attraction, it's hard in the inside, as read on here before,sometimes it's a natural male reaction to want to fix things, instead of just letting time ride it out, she was down and has been until yesterday, but was still contacting and hanging with me, I fell into the trap of needing gratification, fact that this has been over a long time in two weeks could have damaged it beyond repair, I wasn't there for her how I should have been.
11-05-2011, 03:29 AM #9
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
Are you saying you have broken up? Is unclear from your post.
Seems to me that what was happening is that she was in a bit of a dilemma about where she lives. In other words, every time she goes home she has a great time, misses it all, returns back to where you and her live and she started to question if that's really where she wants to live...and of course that then directly relates to you and her. So she's kinda caught in this "him or there" scenario.
If someone is going through something like this, they are confused and need more space to think things through and work out what it is they really want. While that can be unsettling for the partner (you, in this case), any 'drama' OR any withdrawal can actually help her decide. In other words, by overreacting, you're kinda sabotaging the situation.
If she hasn't broken up with you, then I would say focus on having good times with her, both in person and via text/phone etc., and take the heat off what is going on with you both. If she knows how you feel about her, then stop pressuring her further by telling her more or seeking her validation/reassurance in this interim period. Yes, it's scary because you don't know what she's going to 'do', but panicking will drive her away, not draw her closer.
11-05-2011, 06:48 AM #10
Could be too late, feel like iv fucked this up so bad, we talk a little, but it ain't the same right now and it's getting less. Am trying to keep strong frame but have really messed up here.
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