New to Sex - Please Her But Cant Get Hard

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  1. New to Sex - Please Her But Cant Get Hard

    So I'm new to sex. Brought a girl to my bed for the first time 3 nights ago. Using the technique described in the sticky thread about best way to eat pussy, I'm pretty sure this girl had a fine time. I also fingered her to a second round and discovered heavy nipple licking produces great pleasure for her too.

    Problem is I never got hard. Ives read several cases of this and chalk it up to anxiety. Yes I view porn about 1 or 2 times a week and masturbate to it so I got it...that affects my Psyche. No more porn.

    I had this same girl over for dinner last night and we had another go at it. This time I was half hard while employing the same tactics. We were at it for a couple hours. I'm pretty sure she came 2-3 times between my fingers, tongue working on her clit, and she even tensed up pretty hard while I was working on her nipples.

    I have yet to penetrate her because I simply can't get it up. She fondled my dick some but nothing else. She's pretty shy and I'm thinking I'll need to gently guide her to blowing me so I can get it up.

    We laid naked together chatting for an hour or two afterwards so she seems really comfortable with me. She has said nothing about my limp dick but it's seriously causing me mental stress. I've said nothing to her either.

    How do you guys suggest I rid myself of this anxiety?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Charlotte, NC

    There's about a 75% chance it's porn. It takes me about 1.5 weeks of no porn before I can get hard for sex, but I still have problems during the down time while trying to put a condom on.

    It really takes about 2-3 weeks before I can fuck again after no porn. If you have to, any time you get the urge to watch porn, jerk off and DONT FANTASIZE ABOUT PORN.

  3. Thank you Ten Itis - love the name LMAO. I'm going to put all this out there to increase awareness and help others who have the same issue.

    I read in one of the threads that porn makes your mind/sex drive dependent on visual stimulation instead of the emotional connection you feel when you're actually with someone. I can certainly attest to that. I actually mentally resigned to having sex awhile back. Why? Because I'd went out with a couple girls and failed. First one I didn't even kiss because I was new to PUA and missed all the signals to move forward. Second one I'd made out with a few times but my anxiety over being a virgin killed my opportunity with her.

    So I came to the (bad) conclusion that I'd just jerk off when i needed to (1-2 times a week) but not so much that on the outside chance I brought a girl home I wouldn't be too spent. Problem was (in addition to my horrible mental state) I couldn't get off without porn. This is all coming together now that I've actually been with a girl.

    I saw porn as a way out (until now) not a SERIOUS problem for my sex drive. Good news is I not only recognize the issue with porn, but my self image has done a 180 over the last couple months. I've been working out (lost 37 lbs and went from a 40" waist to a 34" and counting) and now when I meet women I'm not thinking "they think I'm a slob"!!

    Plus I met a great girl a few weeks ago. It took a couple weeks to hang out with her but I brought her home 4 nights ago. She came to my place for dinner (and more 2 nights ago. And we're going out tomorrow night (she doesn't know where yet cause I told her I'd call her with the details today - but she's excited =).

    So good news for anyone (a) in a sexual slump, (b) addicted to porn, or (c) suffering from a REALLY bad self image: YOU CAN CHANGE.

    My only remaining question is: how do I bring my porn-related issue up to this girl? I'm thinking she'll start thinking I've either got ED or am not attracted to her.

  4. Don't bring up the porn issue.
    Unless she's pretty liberal in her mindset, i cannot see how that's going to help.

    I've had a couple of partners that were into it, but... i'd avoid it...

    It sounds a lot like stress and anxiety issues, mate.
    Your past, and the fact you like this girl is probably affecting you - when by all counts, it shouldn't.
    I take it you're not drinking too much, or doing anything else that could affect performance (some medications will stop you).

    You keep the lights on or off? If visual excitation is key to you, keep the lights on... a well positioned mirror can work to great effect (especially if you're much happier with yourself - avoid mirrors if you're not!).

    Is she actually any good? Some partners I've had were amazing and i had to fight for control, others were yawn-inducing.
    Might just be related to her...
    and finally, don't worry so much, chances are she's worrying about her performance and why she cannot satisfy you - don't beat yourself up so much.

  5. #5

    I agree with Maverick, don't bring up porn at all. If you are having difficulties, just tell her that you like her and are nervous about being good, which is now making you too self conscious. I've had similar issues and most girls will be positive about it. Usually, if they are experienced, they will go down on you or lay down next to you and tell you it's OK, you don't have to have sex, but still foreplay with you. Once you the pressure to perform is gone and you get comfortable being naked next to her, you will get hard.

  6. Excellent points bro:

    1. Is she any good?

    2. Don't be so hard on myself.


    Not so far. I'm freaking new so I'm applying new EVERYTHING. Seduction...techniques...etc. She has had a few long term relationships. I'm busting my rookie ass making sure she gets off and I've got nothing back. She's incredibly self conscious. She wont get on top because she feels she's too big (yeah she's not a 10 but she's not a fat fattie LOL ...I have SOME dignity). So she pretty much lays there and takes what I give her. Which is a lot of kissing lips mouth face neck shoulders tits nipples...u got it. And everything you can do with your mouth and fingers to a girl's pussy without putting your dick in it.

    She's fondled my dick/balls but that's IT. She OUGHT to be repaying me for getting her off in not just one session but TWO and I didn't even ask for a handjob. But hey as I type this I'm thinking "you get what you ask for" which is NOTHING so far. What do you guys think?

    And I feel like I'm depriving my game a lil with her. I'm not gaming other girls right now. And I know I could get hotter girls than her. But she's nice...and I hate to be the bad guy. (Yeah go ahead and unleash on that mentality LMAO)


    Being tough on myself has been a way of life. But I'm learning to exercise more self confidence and less self consciousness!!

  7. Thanks Shreddy. I'll try that angle tomorrow night.

  8. Dude, I had this exact same problem the first like 10 times I tried to have sex. I got over it by 1.) No more porn, and 2.) a simple equation that you must apply while in the moment; horniness over nervousness/anxiousness. 2.) is what really did it for me. When you are focusing on your nervousness/anxiousness or how you think you can't get it up, IT WILL NOT GET UP. When you are focusing on how fucking horny you are and how much you are pleasing her, IT GOES UP. So, next time you are in the moment, remember; HORNINESS OVER NERVOUSNESS/ANXIOUSNESS!!!

  9. Wise words from TherealEnigma - try to refocus your thoughts and feelings.

    I'm also wondering if you're trying a bit too hard (honestly no pun intended) and psyching yourself out. Relax mate. It's nice you want to do everything to/for her, but if you're so busy working out what to do next, how to escalate, where to go etc. you're doing cartwheels in your mind and probably looking at it more like fine dance routine that requires a lot of concentration... relax and go with it.
    If this is still your first (few) times, then mate, dont worry about being the amazing guy in bed. Just have some fun. You'll improve naturally, and can start incorporating techniques. It's like everything else in the game, dont try to run every line and routine all at once. Start slow and improve. and go easy on yourself.
    The attitude that she 'ought' to be repaying you, works well for reciprocal altruism, but not so well in the bed. By the sounds of it she has confidence issues (not getting on top) and may well have anxiety over her ability or performance - especially if you're not getting hard. Has she had many previous relationships?
    I've been with girls where i think 'right, it's your turn' - but only if i know they're happy doing that... some girls are a little more anxious at the start.

    Try to build her confidence a little, when she's doing something you like, give some signals that it's good. It'll also work back into TherealEnigma's point - you'll build up the horniness for yourself too.

    'depriving my game' - depends what you want out of this? If you want a different woman every night, then why are we even talking about this?
    If you want a relationship (which you seem to), then it's time to build comfort and intimacy. Shreddy's comments are good for that - being open and honest.

    'hate to be the bad guy' - depends what angle you're selling her and what you want. If you want other women, then don't give her lines of long lasting love and romance, obviously. If you're there for some fun but nothing serious, i'd say she's getting more satisfaction out of your encounters than you are, .. so you're not the bad guy at all.

  10. Really Frustrated - On Point or No?

    I'm really frustrated with myself and want feedback as to whether I should be frustrated or if I just need to RELAX.

    Background highlights:

    1. Got same girl in my bed 3 times last week. That's a SERIOUS accomplishment for me because I NEVER had a girl come to my bed before this.

    2. I'm learning how to work some serious magic with my fingers. She actually uttered (in a euphoric state "that was amazing" when I asked her "that feel ok?"

    3. I'm still not getting hard. Was 2/3rds there the 3rd time around but that's it.

    4. Right after 3rd time...pillow talk led to her asking the "exclusive" question. I'm game...let's see where this goes.


    1. Porn is OUT. PERIOD. Not even fantasizing about it anymore. Why am I still not working??

    2. This girl is pretty hot when I've got her curled around my body twisting with pleasure at my hand. And I'm still not hard...

    3. She's having the time of her life but I'm not getting off. Not sure how to handle this.


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