Having trouble breaking up - need advice

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  1. #1

    Having trouble breaking up - need advice

    Ok so i broke up with my gf last week. She was living at my place and in couple of days she travels back home to her country. She didn't take it well, cried all night, and was obsessive. She was repeating loudly "i need you, i need you" for like 200 times. While i was in the dining room she came couple of times to me trying to pull me to come to bed with her which i did not do.

    She doesnt see that it's over; she tells me she doesnt want to accept it's over. She tells me that i don't know that i love her. And past days she was continueing to ask me "give us one more chance". I heard that 50 times by now.

    Goog thing is that she is leaving in couple of days; bad thing is she insists so much on being with me, so desparate and needy, that she wants me to say goodbye to her on thursday knowing that my father and my little sister( that i can see only once a year because i work in another country) are going home 2 days after her. So actually she's asking me to put her in front of my family.
    She's been psycho, and i know from her past that she was stalking some ex.

    Now am not an aggressive kind of guy but am neither a nice guy. The more she insists the more energy and aggressivness with words i need to use to make her stop. Like if i was her father or something.

    Any usefull tips?Anyone had the same experiance?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Gender:
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    London, England
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    37
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    You are going very hard on the girl. You just dropped a bombshell on her that she was obviously not expecting. She probably thought you guys were going to do the LDR thing. So try and show a bit more respect and be a bit more understanding. People tend not to react normally when a bomb has been dropped on them like this (act needy , clingy, its the natural reaction. She should be reading the boards here and doing the counter intuitive stuff if she wanted to give it a go with you). These forums are littered with people who have had their hearts broken and people trying to move on. It goes both ways. So I reckon stick to your decision if that is what you want but make sure you are understanding.

    I suggest you be very honest and straight down the line with her. You told her its over, do not say anything that could give her false hope, make sure she knows that you do care about her (cause she will feel like crap round about now) but that it is something you cannot work with and you think you both should take your space apart to figure yourselves out. And give her time and space to get her shit together again.

  3. #3

    You should give her some hope that maybe in the future it'll work out,and as far as her wanting to say goodbye with your dad and little sister, maybe if she grew close to them,or at least give them a heads up that she's going to be there and in pretty bad shape.

    I wouldn't have completely shut the door if I knew she was going to be needy and clingy. I'd still end it, but kind of give her a little bit of hope that maybe if the situation is right, we'll see each other again. It never sounds like it's a final goodbye. Time takes care of that anyway. After a few months, she'll prob. go though different emotions, and ultimately want to move on. Problem is that now you have to deal with the last days with her being around constantly, and that has high potential for drama going on.

    And just remember - when girls are wanting sex from you after a breakup, if it's not closure sex where you're both kind of having that last moment of intimacy before calling it a day - they're figuring a way to keep you around. They can even through an element of doubt in your head regarding being late on her period, making you think she might be pregnant.

  4. #4

    I am very understanding with her. I know ithurts because i have been there. I never lied to her and i broke up with her since there's no love from my part. I was very clear and honest but she doesnt get it. She over reacts and is very very clingy. She is coming back where i live at the end of september for work so i made it clear not to come because of me. I made clear also that i have deep feelings for her but not in a romantic way. Actually i start feeling like she's my little sister in constant need of protection.
    She also made the move with the period. She has been always invasive of my space, wanting me to do this or that for her, which i almost never did since i recognize when she really needs something or she tries just to manipulate me. Long story short, in whole my life i never seen someone reacting like this, i never acted like that in my afc days. This is going too far imho. And she's probably going oneitis. She was always a control freak and she had stalking issues couple of years ago following her boyfriend around.

  5. #5

    How long does it take to say goodbye to her on thursday? Does she want to spend the whole day with you or just have you show up before she goes to the airport?

  6. Quote Originally Posted by sdnightfly View Post
    You should give her some hope that maybe in the future it'll work out

    that is plain cruel and unnecessary.

    Can you stay in a hotel for a couple of days until she leaves? or put her in one? can you stay with friends? can she?

    I'd get her out of your house. I would give absolutely NO hope for a future with her - that has been done to me and it royally fucks with someone's mind. They can't truly move on for they are holding out hope. Then when you switch gears, they think something else happened and mind games start.

    Don't do that.

    If she has to stay with you tell her these are the boundaries for the next few days:

    1) you will not go to bed with her
    2) you will not listen to her begging, but that if she wants to talk things through, that you are open to it
    3) you will not give her false hope for a future as you do not want to lead her on, tell her you do not love her
    4) you will not allow stalking behavior and if you find it, you will contact the police department

    It is hard to hear but harder to be led on.

    Best of luck to you, she sounds very unstable, and tragically, while the bomb was dropped in her lap, it this has to suck all the way around for you as well.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Nottadoc View Post

    that is plain cruel and unnecessary.

    Can you stay in a hotel for a couple of days until she leaves? or put her in one? can you stay with friends? can she?

    I'd get her out of your house. I would give absolutely NO hope for a future with her - that has been done to me and it royally fucks with someone's mind. They can't truly move on for they are holding out hope. Then when you switch gears, they think something else happened and mind games start.

    Don't do that.

    If she has to stay with you tell her these are the boundaries for the next few days:

    1) you will not go to bed with her
    2) you will not listen to her begging, but that if she wants to talk things through, that you are open to it
    3) you will not give her false hope for a future as you do not want to lead her on, tell her you do not love her
    4) you will not allow stalking behavior and if you find it, you will contact the police department

    It is hard to hear but harder to be led on.

    Best of luck to you, she sounds very unstable, and tragically, while the bomb was dropped in her lap, it this has to suck all the way around for you as well.
    Thats exactly what i did. She's leaving thursday morning around 6am; i will stay to say goobye. At the moment she's staying at my house. Am trying to make her understand i care for her but i set clear and strong boundaries. No sex. No kissing. No hugging. I told her i don't love her without being imature.

    Last night i tried to talk with her about her "daddy issues"; she's aware she has a problems and hopefully she will find strenght to address them in future. Moreover i opened myself and told her how my youth was and how i addressed the problems leaving her the choice to make her own decisions and act upon them.

    I also told her that i will not accept her not respecting me, acting crazy and doind scenes in front of my family.

    I understood i gotta be strong for her so i will do exactly that.

  8. Quote Originally Posted by nomadlord View Post
    I also told her that i will not accept her not respecting me, acting crazy and doind scenes in front of my family.

    I understood i gotta be strong for her so i will do exactly that.
    Then you have been very mature about the whole ordeal, have treated her VERY respectfully, and need to do as you say you will.

    If she disrespects you in front of your family, you need to have an exit plan that includes them... or a means of getting rid of her immediately. If you cannot, and she does something asinine, then take the high road... remain calm, collected, cool, and strong.

    I am not clear on why you need to do anything with her on Th, in front of or without, your family there.

    Does she need ride to airport? If so, hire a cab... yes, you might have to pay for it, but a cab ride's fare might be worth the sanity you deserve.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Nottadoc View Post
    Then you have been very mature about the whole ordeal, have treated her VERY respectfully, and need to do as you say you will.

    If she disrespects you in front of your family, you need to have an exit plan that includes them... or a means of getting rid of her immediately. If you cannot, and she does something asinine, then take the high road... remain calm, collected, cool, and strong.

    I am not clear on why you need to do anything with her on Th, in front of or without, your family there.

    Does she need ride to airport? If so, hire a cab... yes, you might have to pay for it, but a cab ride's fare might be worth the sanity you deserve.
    She's leaving on thursday morning with her friend, they are going back by car.
    I want to make sure she leaves me the keys of my appartment, and sure that she leaves too since right after that am going couple of days out of town to stay with my family.

    Last night she was again insisting; i might be too calm as a person. I made her dinner and cocktails and she continued trying to kiss me, touch me, hold my hand and "intimate parts". I moved all the time trying to avoid her until i realized that its not me who has to behave strangly in my own house. We watched a movie and she went to sleep before ending, wanting me to come and lay down next to her. I said no, and in any case when i'm done i will come to bed. She run back to the bedroom telling me that i deserve some bitch and not her. I was unreactive and calm.
    When i went to bed she started touching again so i said remember what i told you: no touching, kissing or having sex. She tried the angry, the sad and the funny way of trying to make me sleep with her.
    Then i stood up firmly and told her she crossed all the boundaries and went to sleep in the dinning room. Told her not to even try to come next to me.
    What she did? She came into my bed.
    Then i got serious, and started to raise my voice telling her that i am calling her mother and cousin to make her reason and help her. She immediately stopped.Got calm.
    I told her she needs to get some help from a professional, not to take it as being a lunatic, but she needs to seek a way to control her autodestructive behaviour and emotions. She becomes obsessive and compulsive. I've seen it already and am not going to let her continue.
    When it seemed like she understood, and i calmed my voice, she begged me to sleep next to me. I said firmly no and end of discussion. She told me i was punishing her. I said yes, not in a way she thinks, but in a way that she was (not to her fault) been spoiled and forgiven for shit she was doing. I told her again am not her father and explained that only her parents, if they want, can forgive bad behaviour. I will not and she must take the responsability for that. Am not gonna let her, first destroy herself in front of me, and second, loose the respect for me and indulge her with sweet talks.

    She then went to bed, this morning before i left she apologized. Told her i understand its hard because she leaves soon. And i told her that there is no chance for us being ever back together, not soon, not ever and she must accept that and find a way to move on and use time to follow to improve herself. I didn't talk about game with her, but i told her unless she grows some balls she will always feel hurt.

    Now i am not insensitive, she had major abbandonment issues with her father and it cut her deep inside but my role is over. Today is the last day. I will post update tomorrow.

  10. She finally left. I took the keys of my flat.

    She tried to get in touch with me couple of times; asking me to think over again and again the relationship with her.

    Hopefully she will just let go soon.

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