GF wants a poker night w/mixed group of old friends and fuck buddies

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  1. #1

    GF wants a poker night w/mixed group of old friends and fuck buddies

    First post. So my year plus live in gf (marriage plans) was secretive on facebook the other night. I asked her what she was looking at and she said her AA (she's "in recovery") friends are starting a poker night. (I donít drink, but I don't go to AA.) Long pause. I asked her if I could go too. GF said sure. When I asked her if she would have invited me, she said no.

    We have separate interests, but we have always introduced each other to these types of events and invited each other to such social events in the past. GF said she didn't want to invite me because of a guy there that is very disrespectful when GF and I are together. (GF used to have threesomes with him and fuck him a lot when they drank together. Now he is very touchy and gets really close to her when talking and brings up "old times".) She has acknowledged he is inappropriate and that it would bother her if roles were reversed. That said, GF said she did not want me to go to her AA poker night because she knew I did not like him.

    I told her the next day that I am very uncomfortable with her going out to poker night with a bunch of single people and people she used to sleep with. I told her I would invite her to come with me, and that her excluding me from this group bothers me. I told her I do not want to be in a situation where she compartmentalizes her relationship life from her old friends. She came back with I'm not in AA so I don't understand, this is important for her sobriety, "this is about your ego because he (the disrespectful guy) got to do more with me". I calmly told her it is about excluding me, and that I am uncomfortable with the situation. (A barbecue or afternoon in the park with your friends is different from a late night poker game with disrespectful guys she used to play with.)

    I donít want to look like a jealous chump here, but I encouraged a GF to go off and have a good time before and she wound up meeting someone else. I asked my current GF if she would be okay waiting until next week (I can't make this weeks game) and then going to "sober poker" together. She said no. I'm seriously considering dumping her if she goes. I love her, but this doesn't sit well with me. Any advice? I donít want to look afc (?) but I think the sexual tension at poker night is a recipe for disaster.



  2. #2
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    I told her I do not want to be in a situation where she compartmentalizes her relationship life from her old friends. She came back with I'm not in AA so I don't understand, this is important for her sobriety, "this is about your ego because he (the disrespectful guy) got to do more with me". I calmly told her it is about excluding me, and that I am uncomfortable with the situation. (A barbecue or afternoon in the park with your friends is different from a late night poker game with disrespectful guys she used to play with.)
    You are right, and she is wrong. Gambling with former sex partners by herself is important for her sobriety. I wonder why she remains in a group he attends at all.

    She's digging her heels in now, and probably won't compromise. I think you have to decide if you can live with it or not.

  3. #3

    I've come to realize that just because she's you're live-in gf, and wants to marry you does not mean she will do what's best for the relationship.

    You seem to be very reasonable, clear, and open with your emotions.
    "this is about your ego because he (the disrespectful guy) got to do more with me"
    says she isn't. Being that you've been with her for over a year, I'm sure you have plenty of proof of this.

    Someone who is/was an alcoholic is not going to have the best judgement when it comes to ..... just about anything. She wants to hang out with her ex. You're an obstacle to that.
    I'm sure when she was drinking friends and family members were obstacles to her going to a bar. She went around them. You can't change her. She is who she is. You can learn to live with it or replace her.

  4. #4

    Whoa... I'm totally on your side here and this seems all bad on her end. I'm no expert on addiction and addictive personalities, but typically those with dependencies are weak-willed and easily persuaded. You can't babysit her 24/7 and she seems to still be making poor decisions.

    Too many red flags on this girl. You took your stand and she's completely disregarding it and is now hiding it from you. There is no trust here. If I were you, I would end this relationship immediately.

  5. #5

    Being with other recovering alcoholics is a massive part of the AA process. Its the only part really. So as far as that goes, she is right. Does it have to be with a man whom she used to get hammered and fuck? Not likely, but she can't stop cold turkey or she'll go back to drinking. Unless you can provide her with an alternate AA group she meshes with she does need to go. Waiting until next week will drastically affect the process.

    The people who are in AA together, sponsors and all...they have a very deep bond. Don't underestimate it. They will choose that over a relationship....and if they do for some reason choose the relationship, they will likely drink again. I'm not the biggest proponent of AA (the actual program), but I know how it operates.

    And BTW, it is about your ego if we're being honest. Of course, I would be the same in your position. Ultimately you trust her or you do not. You are either cool being second place to her addiction or you are not. That's the choice.

  6. #6

    The fact that she wants to go to this is not bad. The fact that she is excluding you from this is a MAJOR red flag (HINT: RUN). Even if you do dislike this guy, she would rather go off and do her own [shady] thing than to make you feel comfortable. All she has to do is to let you go and she doesn't want to do that.

    Looks like she doesn't give two shits about your relationship. Don't give her an ultimatum, but if she goes alone, dump her. You don't have to put up with her sneaky bullshit.

  7. Leave the girl. Choosing the path of tolerance has only one end, and it does not bode well for you.

  8. #8

    @vapor: thanks for the support. my friends agree this is a fucked up way to act in a commited relationship. she is digging her heels in. this is the first time since we've been together she's acted this way. i don't like where it's headed.

    @grellopc: you have a good point about being an obstacles. i hadn't thought of that before.

    @beefteriyaki: trust is everything. she can argue "you don't trust me", "if you trusted me you wouldn't care", etc., but if you love someone and care about the relationship, you don't go around testing your partners trust.

    @D3tail: not what i wanted to hear, but i've always felt i've taken a backseat to AA and that her "AA buddies" (old fuck buddies, boyfriends, etc. that are all in "recovery" together now) have a much stronger bond with her than I will ever have. gf goes through phases with AA. she'll go, she won't. she'll go, she won't. (no relapse, just not going to meetings.) every time she starts going to meetings again, she withdraws from the relationship. it feels like AA is the constant for her and our relationship is the replaceable item. not exactly how i want to feel with "the one". yes, ego is in there somewhere, but knowing i ultimately mean nothing and i'll just be fodder for sharing about roadblocks to recovery (even though we/i don't drink) at some random AA meeting is a really shitty feeling given how much i/we have invested and how differently she acts when she's not actively going to meetings.

    @bobywaker: i agree. her wanting to go is not the issue. her not wanting me there is a HUGE red flag, and something new. she has never acted this way before.

    @dysomnia: the path of tolerance does only have one end. if she goes without me, it's over.

  9. Without being an AA person myself... I'd think that the support of other recovering alcoholics is crucial to the program (it IS the program). However, I'd also think that being "supported" by someone you used to go out and get plastered with, even without the sexual baggage, is counterproductive.. wouldn't you want to be AWAY from drinking triggers like that?

    Anyway, it's certainly a big flashing warning sign. There's a potential conflict between you and another guy, and her solution is to not invite you along and instead spend the evening with someone she knows will be making moves on her all night.

    I'm not sure what "marriage plans" means. Engaged? You're thinking about getting engaged? She's thinking about getting engaged?

  10. #10

    I will echo the sentiment that recovering addicts need to be supported by other recovering addicts, HOWEVER, poker games and "dry parties" are NOT the equivalent of weekly meetings. She can get the same support and comraderie in a weekly meeting.
    IMHO it would be perfectly reasonable to ask (not tell) her to just go to the regular meeting the one week you can't go with her, that's really not that big of a compromise and still achieves the consistent weekly contact and support she is saying she needs.
    Playing poker with a bunch of old FBs regardless of the AA part should not take priority over her relationship, esp if you are formally engaged. You can point out that your honesty and directness should be appreciated, many men would just go passive aggressive and say "Fine, I'll go play pool with some ex GFs, it's obviously okay due to the precedent you are setting right?" but that is NOT how successful relationships work. If you are expressing legitimate concerns in a mature and clear manor and she is plainly dismissing or disregarding them, then there is something deeper that needs to be sorted out.

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