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07-11-2011, 11:34 AM #1
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
First I want to thank everyone working on this forum! It is a great way for lots of people to vent and seek advice!
She lied to me and she keeps lying! PLEASE HELP!
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year now and we love each other very much. Of course, like every relationship, we had our ups and downs. When we started I didn't show signs of commitment by avoiding her questions about the future. But gradually, I realized that she's the love of my life and I want to spend every second with her until i die!
I was never jealous with her and I always trusted her. She was abit jealous in the beginning but I gave her no reason to be as we moved along. The one thing that we disagree and we get into arguments because of is politics! We are extremely different in thoughts about certain political issues. Anyhow, she left to the Middle East for a scholarship from the States Department a month ago. We promised that we talked to each other everyday but i understood that it wasn't gonna happen so I gave her all the space she needed. I started to feel she's ignoring me or avoiding me and when we actually talk, she talks about this "guy friend"!
Truth be told, I started to be very jealous and started questioning things between them. She said there was nothing, she swore there was nothing and i let it go. Then accidently I see a message from her to him saying that she wants to go to the beach with him and some other romantic stuff! When I confronted her with that she said it was nothing and that they were a group of ppl doing these things and not only both of them. Again, knowing that I love her so much I let it go.
She came back home a week ago and she seemed very distant. She asks me to leave her alone every now and then. She takes her Blackberry to the toilet (she never did that). On the other hand, she holds me tight to sleep every night, and she kisses me with love. One day her phone was next to my head while we were sleeping and it kept buzzing. So I looked at it and it was a bbm message from the same guy. It turns that she's been talking to him all along and they've been flirting with each other saying stuff like "I woke up thinking about you today" when she was sleeping with me!
I flipped out and yelled at her and I really wanted to break up cuz i didnt do anything but loving her. Cutting the story short, we talked and I told her unless you cut your relationship with this guy immediately and indefinitely, I cant be with you. She said she needed time to think about it cuz she has a crush on him. After really painful and long argument, she agreed on sending him a msg saying that she's not gonna talk to him anymore and she said she blocked him from bbm.
When I woke up in the morning I asked her if he sent anything during the night, she said no.. but I asked her to see the phone and I saw that he sent her some messages! We talked and argued again and she promised that she's gonna tell me if he sends msgs or talk to her and that she was going to block him for real.
Last night I asked her if he sent anything and she said no.. If she blocked him and she said yes.. but then i look at the phone again and he wasn't blocked but the convos are all empty which means she's been deleting them.
I asked her questions about sending him emails and she lied saying that she "doesnt even have his email" but in fact she sent him emails. Earlier, she told me that she talked to a friend of both of them and explained what happened and the friend told her to hang on to me. I felt it was another lie and i called her on it so she kept covering lies up with lies.. I called all of the lies!
Again, I freaked out! I love her to death and I think I've been humiliating myself for her but she keep on lying to me! I cant trust her anymore and I dont know what to do! I dont want to humiliate myself anymore and I dont want to leave her cuz I truly love her! When I talk to her she tells me that I am being paranoid and a "psycho"! And she actually threatened to call the police on me if I kept bringing these arguments (I was staying in her house!)
What tops the situation is that she's gonna be gone for grad school in NYC in a month!!
I dont know what to do and this whole situation is driving me crazy.. I cant work.. I cant think of anything but if they are talking or not!
Please let me know what you think.. Am I really being a "psycho"?
Any help, advice, or comment will be very helpful!
07-11-2011, 11:44 AM #2
I didn't finish everything. But unless you want this to get worse, and more emotional damage to continue.
You have to do this. . . .
You have to realize people can love you. But you can't make them love you, most of all, you can't make her fall back in love with simple tricks or advice we have to give. But you can end the problem.
If you want to end the problem, you have to end the relationship. Or else i promise you will end up even worse than you are now. Tell her for exp. you've met someone who you trust, and that you cannot continue this relationship.
End it however you want, but if it doesn't end we cannot promise what would happen.
07-11-2011, 11:57 AM #3
- Join Date
- Jun 2011
I was in a similar situation with a girl I was dating. She was talking to her ex behind my back for sometime and I found out they were still seeing each other at times.
Best thing to do in this situation to be the better man is if she says she has a crush on him, let him have her.
Don't ever demand it be you or him for the relationship to continue. If she can't make her mind. Let him have her. You have no time for bullshit or someone whose gonna act this way. Believe me sooner you walk out the better. She already lost respect for you if shes talking to another guy behind your back then says she has a crush on him straight to you.
It's summer....move on and get out there sarging
07-11-2011, 12:07 PM #4
How long have you been together?
how old are you?
Sounds like your first the way your talking about her. You need get rid of her if you can't trust her it will make you a psycho. Lying is one of the worst thing's you can have constantly going on in a relationship. The fact that she still keeps him around means she probably cheated on you and will again. Sucks
07-11-2011, 12:20 PM #5Administrator Emeritus
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
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07-11-2011, 12:32 PM #6
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Thank you for your responses.. And I appreciate your honesty!
I am 26 and she is 21.. We've been together for a year now.
I would have forgotten about the whole issue if she didn't lie! I know lying is the worst thing in a relationship!
She finally came up to me and apologized for everything.. She just asked for forgiveness and she showed me that she blocked him from all or her lists (facebook, email, bbm...). She talked to me today and told me that she wants me forever too.. She said she was sorry.. I explained to her that I cant trust her and that I will probably be spying on her phone and emails for some time until she earns back my trust.. She said that I have the right to do so. She keeps telling me that I am her life and that she loves me.
Do you think I should be giving her one last chance? Mind you that I am one step below worshipping her!!
07-11-2011, 01:19 PM #7
why spy on her phone and emails? what will that accomplish?
If your going to stay in the relationship, only for it to drive you half mad...than why, what is this all doing for you and her?
Is it holding you back or pushing you forward?
If she can lose attraction/ love is what she have genuine for you, something you need?
07-11-2011, 01:25 PM #8
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
She lied. She lied about something important. And then when you confronted her, she agreed to do certain things to keep your relationship together. She didn't do them, and she lied about them AGAIN.
This will never end. I know you want this to work, but the relationship is already dead... you just haven't realized it yet. You're very young, really, and she's even younger. Cut your losses, because realistically you'll never be able to trust her again.
(from someone who went through something extremely similar, while married, and she went behind my back multiple times after the point you're at now.. She cheated, promised to cut contact, didn't really cut contact (didn't sleep with him again, but did talk behind my back), and eventually started finding other guys as well).
In my opinion, the questionable behavior (and maybe even cheating) is possibly forgivable, but lying to your face means you'll NEVER have the relationship you want. What you're feeling now is basically "I wish things were different than they are".. but they are what they are.
If you stay in this, I'd suggest (a) spying on her emails, especially since you already told her you would, (b) NOT telling her how you're spying on her, so she can't circumvent it, (c) maybe find a program that really tracks everying behind the scenes, so she can't just delete her sent mail or use a new gmail account or do everything through facebook chat or whatever, and (d) assume that eventually you WILL find something. Because you will. On the chance that you never find anything, maybe after a year or two you'll decide she's trustworthy again. Maybe.
But why would you "worship" someone like this? Don't you know there are nice people out there who don't lie and cheat? She clearly doesn't feel that way about you, or else she would never have done these things in the first place, no matter what words are coming out of her mouth now.
07-11-2011, 01:26 PM #9
The more you try to control someone, the more they'll try to break free. You can spy on her phone all you want, but she'll just unblock him when you're not around and tell him how psycho/controlling you are. Then she'll delete the convo and block him again before seeing you. Your behavior is literally driving her towards him, because you're acting psycho/controlling, therefore making him the "stable" guy in her life. It's only a matter of time before she leaves you if this continue. You can NEVER make another person act against their will. It will bounce back right at you.
Her lying to you means that she doesn't respect you, and/or knows you will over-react if she tells the truth. This relationship is pretty much dead. I won't even mention how bad of an idea it is to worship another human being. No one is perfect. Best thing you can do is break up with her, work on your inner game, and then find a girl you can trust. Next best thing would be to drop the situation completely, stop checking her phone, and work on being a better man in the relationship. Seeing how it's gonna be long distance soon and you already don't trust her, I would go with option 1.
07-11-2011, 01:29 PM #10
Ok man, here's the one secret to stopping this. Trust me, it works and you can be happy again. It's honestly the best routine you can do in a situation like this.
Ok..so you have to make sure you're standing or this wont work, ideally she should be sitting.
Look her in the eyes and watch where her hands go (to detect lying)
Now slowly tell her this. "I'm sorry, but I can't play this game anymore". NOW as you say this do about a one hundred and eighty degree turn, put your left foot in front of your other, and push off with your right.
AND FUCKING RUN LIKE THE WIND.
Seriously, get out of the relationship, if she's having crushes NOW and isn't able to deal with them like she's in a relationship, what's going to stop her from fucking the milkman 20 years down the road when you two are married.
Don't blame her if your kid looks nothing like you, blame yourself.
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