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07-03-2011, 01:37 PM #1
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
Yesterday I got into an argument with my girl because I told her that I was scared she might cheat on me. She then got really upset and said it was over. We made up after the fight and went home (we live together). Everything seemed decent until this morning when I asked her if we're still together. She said she doesn't know and needs to think about it.
What can I do or say to get my girlfriend to stay with me? (urgent!)
What can i say or do to have to forgive me and want to be with me? We've put so much work into this relationship and I don't want to lose her. Please someone respond quickly.
07-03-2011, 01:50 PM #2
If you're that worried your girlfriend might cheat on you, she probably already has. This might be her way of getting out of the relationship without having to tell you the truth. Are you sure you wanna be with someone you can't trust? Is your relationship really worth salvaging if one fight brings you this close to splitting? Could you maybe turn this investment into a learning experience, grow from it, and make your next Ltr much better?
Just some questions to ask yourself before you ask us, "how do I get my oneitis back?"
07-04-2011, 03:16 AM #3
Re-read your own post. You sound desperate, scared, weak and needy - what girl wants that? Like BnG says, if you're worrying a girl might cheat on you, she either or already has or your communicating telepathically for her to do so. Women sense this stuff. Change your frame. It also might be time to look for another girl.
07-04-2011, 04:29 PM #4
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
Agree with above - no girl is attracted to scared, weak, needy, codependent - it's not what gets you a girl's respect.
What makes you afraid she'll cheat on you? I feel bringing up something like cheating in a relationship is the sign of a relationship that is doomed. You should only bring it up if you have hard evidence she's doing shady stuff, and IF she's doing shady stuff, shouldn't you break off the relationship anyway?
07-05-2011, 06:06 AM #5.
- Join Date
- May 2009
Well, her response to his bringing it up is worse than his bringing it up. People have moments of weakness after all. She should have just reassured him, her response is fishy at best. Certainly indicitive of her character.
Just act like the conversation never came up and she'll forget about it, don't feed into it. But her response should worry you.
07-05-2011, 12:50 PM #6
- Join Date
- Jul 2006
You didn't exactly make up with her, and bring apartment rental fliers home. If she asks if you're leaving, tell her "I don't know but I think if you aren't sure about things, I might have to."
As far as forgiving you because you accused her of cheating? If you felt she did something shady, you asked her. And you'll run into situations that girls who cheat will try to deflect and turn it around on you so you give up the argument, and make it seem like you did wrong.
I wouldn't be scared if I thought someone cheated on me, if I felt there were valid suspicions. I'd want to know the truth, even if it meant losing her. I'd rather eat the cost of the rental knowing the truth, than spending another day with someone I feel I don't really know or believe.
I've never worded anything as bluntly as "are you cheating on me", but instead go with a more indirect "who have you been hanging with", and when I see those mutual friends, keep in the back of my head when they went out together and bring it up into the conversation, apart from each other. If you have the both of them together, they're going to start making things up on the fly and do a lot of eye contact and stuff someone who knows their NLP is going to catch.
And in a LTR, when you know someone really well, you know what they do when they lie.
I've never been afraid to leave a relationship, but I handle things well that it's usually been drama free on my end and just want to find out why she felt she needed to go elsewhere. I'll also tell them situations where I had thought about it, or ex-girlfriends I cheated on, and the truth will come out because she doesn't feel I'm making her feel bad about it. That anti-slut defense also applies when you're trying to find out why your gf or wife cheated, and if you play yourself as being just as flawed, and not really showing anger, it usually gets the answers you want before you're out of there.
I always take mutual accountability on breakups, even if I feel down inside I did nothing. I might not have been able to see at the time things I said or did that contributed to it, but once I hear it from her, either it's going to be a lame reason she did it, or a legit one that I didn't pay attention to.
How I would've handled that argument - not let it escalate into a fight, go home but tell her "you know what, I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, because I don't think you're over what happened." I would start distancing myself immediately but at the same time be present, be around at your place. Next morning, I'd just go do my own thing and while I'm out, call her and see if she needed anything. Maybe go visit family, but start doing less things with her. This is also giving her freedom to do what she wants, and if she is hanging with some other guy, she's probably going to try to meet up with him. And she would have no idea what I'm up to or what I'm thinking.
If I'm living with someone and I'm contracted to the rent for months, I would be finding out how much of a setback I might have. I have no problems breaking contracts if it means I get peace of mind from it.
And in LTRs, managing your arguments where they don't turn into threats of breaking up - vital. You can't go on with someone who talks about it being over and has to "think about it" every time an argument happens.
And you can't be scared about someone cheating on you, unless they're doing things to give you reason that they are.
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