Understanding and building up low confidence
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    Understanding and building up low confidence.

    One of the biggest parts of all this is our ability to control ourselfs in our state of mind, our emotions and the overal way we see and present ourselfs to others, I am of course talking about inner game and without good inner game then our outer game will always be poor.

    If you were to get 2 aspiring PUAs, both of whom have no experence talking to women and no knowledge of what to say.
    One of them is very confident and self assured but you only gave him a little PU information and the other aPUA has low confidence but you teach him everything there is to know about PU and sent them both out into a bar to see which does best then the more confident one will have a much better chance at success then the knowledgeable one.

    No matter how much you know it all comes down to the delivery of what your saying and how you carry yourself.

    One of the biggest problems in PU is the lack of confidence many guys seem to have and its a problem I had myself myself when I started, I got talking to some of the staff members in my gym today and they made a comment about how I always seem confident in whatever i'm doing, at first I was taken aback by this as me and confident in the same sentence isn't something i've heared a lot of in my life but after thinking about it I can feel a massive difference in my whole life from the old AFC days when I walked always looking at the floor or always talking fast and giving one word answers to everything in the fear that people will think ill of me if I showed them my total lack of social skills.

    I've come a very long way since then but it hasn't been a quick fix or easy, its taken a lot of time and work on my part but if anyone is reading this who suffers from low or zero confidence then I would say to each one, it can be done, I used to look at confident people and think that 'that could never me be, I could never be like that I was always like this and thats my lot in life' however this isn't true people can change their whole personality and mindset and the way they view the world but as I said before this is not an easy task but nothing worth doing ever is.

    I've decided to make this thread and get as much information as I can find on confidence and ways to overcome it, some of these methods I've used myself so I know they work and I also wanted to give information about what confidence is and where it all comes from, I know this will be the longest post I've ever written (and i've written some long posts already in the past) but I think it can be worth it as inner game and confidence is the core fundamentals of PU and without them it'll make everything else within PU very hard to do no matter how much research and info you have.

    A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
    ~David Brinkley

    Understanding Confidence - just what the hell is it?


    We all live in a world which will have a major impact in how confident we all feel, the speed everyday life has become, the media, social pressure, there are many different factors that can, do and will effect our confidence.
    Our confidence levels can change on a regular basis, even from one day to the next.

    The very word itself 'confidence' is with us all the time, each person is expected to be confident to get anywhere in the world from jobs and careers to social interactions with friends, familiy and the opposite sex and there are very few (if any) situations in life wheres a lack or low confidence is an advantage.
    Having confidence allows us to be assertive and to make our way in the world, In fact it is such a crucial part of everyone's personality that it is amazing that there has been very little research into it.
    If we could understand what things make us unique we could better understand the elements that affect our confidence.

    If you take time to think about some of things that have happened to you in your life to till now you'll be able to understand how confidence is derived, think back to your first day at school when you were little, think of how unsure you were of leaving your perents like that, up untill that moment that would have been the longest period away from at least one of your perents side, it would have been natural to feel hesitant in walking in.
    Another one is your first job, you would have tried to seek approval from the others around you and asking your manager if what you were doing was correct a lot.
    In a short period of time your confidence would have grown as you become more familiar with the once strange surroundings and the jobs expected of you and as more time went on it would become easier and easier to complete the tasks in that first job or the tasks given to you by your first teacher.
    Your concerns would have gone.

    So where does this confidence thing come from?
    Each person on the world is of course very different and the way they act and carry themselfs is no different in that reguard.
    Some people are just so confident in whatever they do, even if its new, have you ever been out in a group or out on a work trip where games are involved and soon as some challenge is set out some people shy away from it as others step up and are more then happy to give it a go not caring how they are perceived.
    This is because it comes form our own experiences in life so far in childhood or adolescence, a quiet child who is happy reading books while his friends are play fighting won't be as quick to step up to a playful physical challenge in adulthood then one of the others who were the playfighter.
    But what is it that makes us the way we are?

    A major influence on the confidence that we have as adults is influenced by our parents (yes, blame the perents) some parents allow individuals to grow with freedom and develop their personalities naturally and with this confidence is instilled.
    Unfortunately many parents often focus on the negative aspects of a child and their only objective is to try and remove the child's limitations or improve upon them, this can have very detrimental effects on a child's development and restrict their confidence immensely.

    Following childhood, being accepted by our peers has a major influence on our level of confidence; such is the desire to be liked and popular.

    Then after that we have the real devil to contend with, the media
    Ever since TV's became a major part of our lives and along with magazines we are being told how we should act, how we should dress, what we should think and everyone allows themselfs to be 'reprogrammed' in this manner.
    Marketing people exploit this to get people to buy their tat and services, they wish us to think we will live better lives or become better people if we have their products, they try to make out their products are so good that they will make our lives so much easier and our lives will be enhanced by the latest gadget or the newest TV.

    Women are targeted for fashion, clothes companys are always brining out something new and make out that by wearing the newest fashion that they can fit into society and become more confident

    Something which we should all remember next time we go shopping is that confidence can not be sold but the lack of it is exploited every day to make us buy.

    Just a few of these ideas if used to examine yourself can help you change the way you are.
    If you are not confident, then perhaps it is some of your past experiences that have formed you this way and addressing them will change how confident you feel very quickly.
    Don't just accept who you are, some very small changes can have massive effects on your self confidence.

    It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
    ~Author Unknown


    Why do some people have more confidence than others?


    Now thats a very good question but easy to answer, we've already touched on it.
    It really comes down to how a person perceives the world and in particular how they perceive themselves.

    If someone perceives themselfs in a bad light, as feeling inferior to others around them then they are going to keep those feelings of low confidence and the more their confidence drops the more worse they feel about themselfs, its an endless vicious circle going round and round.

    People with low confidence sometimes don't even try to aim high in life for fear of never
    failing they don't feel their good enough or worthy enough so why bother even trying.

    If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
    ~Vincent Van Gogh


    How to build up low confidence.

    First of all you need to be really committed to doing this or it won't work you can't one minute want to be more confident then the next just give up and let yourself fall back down at the first 'bumb in the road you hit' as I said it will take work but its very easy to undo that work by letting yourself feel down again when something bad happens.

    Recognize your insecurities.
    What does that voice in the back of your mind say? What makes you ashamed of yourself? This could be anything from acne, to regrets.
    Try to change your entire mindset and always try to keep positive, wipe negative thoughts in your head as soon as you get them, instead of thinking something like 'I can't do that' try to change it 'how am I going to do that'

    We all have insecurities about something in our lives, it may be something about our looks we don't like or our relationships or finances, the important thing is how we deal with those insecurities, many people go down the road of taking those insecurities out on others around them but the best way to deal with them is not to 'brush them under the carpet' but to tackle them head on, try to fix the problem itself.

    Be Positive, even if you don't feel the same way.
    I said before about undoing the work you do by letting yourself start to feel bad again when your trying to build up your confdence...Avoid self-pity, or the pity and sympathy of others.
    Never allow others to make you feel inferior-they can only do so if you let them.
    If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself, others are going to do and believe likewise. Instead, speak positively about yourself, about your future, and about your progress.

    Do not be afraid to project your strengths and qualities to others, by doing so, you reinforce those ideas in your mind and encourage your growth in a positive direction.
    Don't moan to your friends about problems your having unless you want advice on how to make the problem better but never moan for the hell of moaning it won't make you feel any better and will only drag you down again.

    Your friends and the people you choose to spend your time with can be a help or hindrance, if you spend time with unhappy people then that will rub off on you and on the flip side if you stay around happy confident people that you will start to be the same over time.

    Leave your comfort zone, do something that scares you.
    Yes it's easier said then done but its a great way to help with the confidence issue.
    Are you scared of heights? then go on a tall roller coaster.
    Don't like being the center of attention? next time your in the gym go do a new group class and put yourself in the front row.

    When your with your friends tell them you want to get out of your comfort zone, friends are a great way to help push you into things you wouldn't tend to do when your alone you'll also find that more offen then not they'll even be impressed your willing to push yourself into new things in this way.

    Always keep a smile on your face, that will build a lot of self-confidence.
    This is hard at first but will become easier with time and it doesn't mean you should walk around with a silly looking grin all day but as your walking down the street or wherever you are when your out any girl walking towards you in the other direction that you make eye contact with just give a little smile, its small things like that which will help over time and you'll feel better about yourself as well.

    When your buying something at the shops always give the cashier a warm smile and say "thank you" if someone trys to get your attention for whatever reason turn and give them a smile even when its the last thing you want to really do.

    Identify your successes.
    Everyone is good at something, so discover the things at which you excel, then focus on your talents.

    Give yourself permission to take pride in them.

    Take up a new hobby.
    Are you a member of a gym, if not something like fittness is a great confidence builder even your slim you can go work on overall fittness, work on your speed or pack on some mussle.

    An example of this was something that happened to me today, when I was at the gym I tried a class I hadn't tried before it was a boxersize class using cardio and boxing techniques, the first thing we did at the start was to warm up by skipping, I've never tried skipping before in my whole life and the whole other class would do it so I gave it a go and took on the advice the others gave me and I've made it my challenge to learn it, by next week when I go do the class again I aim to be able to be able to do at least basic skippping and improve on it over the next few weeks/months.

    Don't care what others think of you.
    No this doesn't mean stop washing or keeping clean but what it does mean is that some people lack self confidence because they worry how others view them.
    The first thing you have to do is be happy with yourself and your abilities, focus less on how others see you because you only get back what you dish out.
    If they see you're self assured your self confidence will rub off on them.

    Hypnosis.
    OK this isn't for everyone but it's something that helped me, it can give you a boost.
    If you've read 'the game' then you'll know of Hypnotica (known as rasputin in the book) he has helped a lot of men with inner game and confidence issues.
    If your not sure about it I'd say give it one try to see what you think he has some free downloads here http://www.hypnotica.org/main/privatedownloads.htm one that I used at first was the 'Double Induction' to download it just right click on the download link and click on 'save target as' and stick it in whichever foulder you want then play it, when you play it lie down and use a good quility pair of headphones for best effect and try not to listen to whats going on but instead clear your mind and try to hear it instead.
    And make sure the left & right earpeaces are in the correct ears (you'll find out why soon enough)

    Look in the mirror and smile.
    Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register certain emotions.
    So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run.

    Dress Sharp
    Clothes dont make a man but they can make you feel good about yourself.
    No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are and when you don't look good you won't feel good.
    We all know what we think a 'good looking' women is but when people think of good looking men their not always talking about what we look like naked or what our face looks like it can mean things like, how clean we are, how well dressed we are, a good set of clean clothes, being well groomed, smelling nice with aftershaves and deodorants all of these can make a great deal of difference and make you feel like a $1,000,000

    Good Posture
    Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story.
    People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence.
    Now days I always make a conscious effort to make sure when I walk I keep my chin up and never just looking down at the ground.

    By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident.
    Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered and remember to take your hands out of your pockets.

    Speak up
    During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid.
    This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine.
    In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears, but by making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.

    So next time your having a work meeting don't hide at the back, pick a seat in the front where you will be seen by others behind you and not just at work but anything you do which involves group discussions and if you need to try to have something repaired to ask or say before hand.

    You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.
    ~Michael Jordan


    Confidence and pick up


    So we come back round to using confidence for pick up, much of AA guys have when going out stems from having low confidence and if your out and really want to get started talking to girls but have problems with AA then try to force yourself with these tricks.

    Money trick.
    If your out with a friend or wing give them 20 and let them keep it unless you open a set number of sets in the night or in a time frame, you'll end up opening just to get that money back.

    Promise the community.
    Another simple one is to promise us a field report, make a thread before you go out saying how many sets you plan to open yourself and promise a full field report on everything that happened, your not going to want to end up not writing one because you didn't end up opening and don't lie and make a fake FR up as the only person you'll be cheating is yourself.

    Or, before you go out start a field report saying your about to go out and your going to fill it all in when you get back, having already starting it will help force you to open.

    Start in small steps.
    If its your first night going out trying this stuff out give yourself a realistic target, you may find a very easy going girl and hit it off straight away which is great but otherwise take it all in small steps at a time, maybe at first just aim to open a set number of sets in the night you don't have to take it any further you can eject after you've ran an opener and maybe a story or two, then the next time you going out you can aim to go higher by opening more sets or aimming to get further in the sets you've opened.

    By going in small steps your confidence will grow as you won't put pressure on yourself to try to dive before you can swim.

    In time your confidence will grow and you can and will become like all those other guys you wanted to be like before you may even find that other unconfident guys will start looking up to you or making comments about you, it can be done the only one that can stop you is you.

    It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.
    ~Edmund Hillary
    Last edited by Stallion; 01-10-2012 at 04:52 PM.


    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.




    And remember, if all else fails in set just try this, works everytime.

  2. Good tips

    A lot of good pointers in there. I've been gaining my confidence back since I started college a few months ago. College can be socially intimidating at first (which happened to me), but it's a relatively quick turn around, just need to get some social momentum going. My top three picks from that list are: good posture, head up, and just casting off negative thoughts; all helped/ help me. I find those 3 lend to negative daydreaming, which destroys inner game. Thanks for the tips man, + rep

  3. #3

    Most likely the best post I have ever read on these forums.
    I am a firm believer that even with close to 0 game confidence can get you places. It doesn't matter what you say it's how you say it.

    I have always been one of the self conscious types that have nearly 0 confidence. I always over think things because I am worried of the possible reactions of my peers. I blame this on many things growing up. Only over the past few years(mostly since being introduced to the community) have a really noticed how badly this is effecting my life and have been actively been trying to change it. Like you said it takes a lot of work and on a scale of 1-10 I'm probably in the 4-6 range.

    Two points I wanted to add that I have been thinking about lately.
    A. I used to be and actually kind of still am a pot head. Anyways I have realized the smoking makes me very self conscious since I am already that waywhen I am sober and weed only increases it. This doesn't really happen with my very close friends but if I am around people I am not 100% comfortable with I start over thinking things... I recently noticed this negative effect of smoking and have been actively cutting down how much I smoke etc... Also I notice that my friends who are very confident tend to never get they way I do and tend to just enjoy being high.

    B. One other thing that has helped me with my confidence(with girls) is believing that I am taken. This one is hard to explain so I will just use an example from my life. I have been dating this girl for a few months now and things are slowly getting more serious but not at LTR point. I have noticed that during this time especially if I have been on a good date with the girl recently that I somehow feel very confident around other girls. I've come to the conclusion that I am happy with the girl I have been dating and although we aren't quite exclusive I still don't feel the need to be actively pursuing other girls(I know this is probably the wrong mentality but w/e). That mindset allows me to be confident because I really could care less at the moment what they think of me. And during this time the amount of girls I run into during my daily life that notice me has gone way up.
    This really doesn't hold true for ONS.

    Anyways somewhat of a weird post but figured there are people out there in the same boat as me that could find this info useful.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain_J View Post
    I've been gaining my confidence back since I started college a few months ago. College can be socially intimidating at first (which happened to me), but it's a relatively quick turn around, just need to get some social momentum going.
    It will take time the only thing that can stop you or even slow you down is your own mind.
    Collage is a great chance for you to expand your social circle and get talking to people, it may feel stange at first but the more you do it then more natural it ill start to feel, as you said its just about getting the momentum started and taking it from there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain_J View Post
    My top three picks from that list are: good posture, head up, and just casting off negative thoughts; all helped/ help me. I find those 3 lend to negative daydreaming, which destroys inner game. Thanks for the tips man, + rep
    Thanks glad you liked the post.
    Yes I also agree with what you say about those being on a top list, people who are depressed or have low confidence will talk looking down or have a hunce in the back which everyone else can see and will pick up on.

    Quote Originally Posted by UofA
    Most likely the best post I have ever read on these forums.
    Thank you, took me 2 hours to write so glad people like it.

    Quote Originally Posted by UofA
    I have always been one of the self conscious types that have nearly 0 confidence. I always over think things because I am worried of the possible reactions of my peers. I blame this on many things growing up. Only over the past few years(mostly since being introduced to the community) have a really noticed how badly this is effecting my life and have been actively been trying to change it. Like you said it takes a lot of work and on a scale of 1-10 I'm probably in the 4-6 range.
    I started to build my own confidence up almost as soon as I found the community as well, I always felt once you had low confidence there was no going back but after I read the game and saw that Style changed himself round so much I felt I could do it too and i'm sure its the same for a lot of other men around here as well.
    And when you do start building it up you really do see the changes in your life and how much you were holding yourself back before by letting yourself have such low confidence.

    Quote Originally Posted by UofA
    I used to be and actually kind of still am a pot head.
    Thats something you really want to sort out, even softer drugs like pot will have a damaging effect on your mind over time and will hinder progress you make, my Brother smoked all kinds of crap when he was much younger and its all destroyed his mind, he's gone form having a very bright career to having mental problems thanks to it.
    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.




    And remember, if all else fails in set just try this, works everytime.

  5. 12-22-2010, 05:53 PM

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    best of clean up

  6. 12-26-2010, 02:02 PM

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  7. Lol

    Quote Originally Posted by UofA View Post

    A. I used to be and actually kind of still am a pot head. Anyways I have realized the smoking makes me very self conscious since I am already that waywhen I am sober and weed only increases it. This doesn't really happen with my very close friends but if I am around people I am not 100% comfortable with I start over thinking things... I recently noticed this negative effect of smoking and have been actively cutting down how much I smoke etc... Also I notice that my friends who are very confident tend to never get they way I do and tend to just enjoy being high.
    QFT.. weed can be great when I'm in the proper mindset with the right group of people, but some times it can just make me too self conscious. I'm also a stoner learning to cut back

  8. 01-01-2011, 06:01 AM

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    best of clean up

  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain_J View Post
    but some times it can just make me too self conscious.
    Drugs can play tricks with your mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by RaxeAttaxe
    Really good post.
    Thank you.
    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.




    And remember, if all else fails in set just try this, works everytime.

  10. #7

    very useful post, ive been looking at inner game recently after seeing some stuff by Vercetti. What happens if your inner game issues are caused by a disability? I think inner game is whats stopping my approaches being successful but i cant fix the cause as theres no cure.

    I don't want to stop learning and trying this stuff but i cant get past my sticking point.

    How much did you find the hypnotica stuff helped you? i listened to what you recommended but found it a bit confusing, hard to focus on two voices....not sure if it had any effect or not.

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    Quote Originally Posted by friedchickensoldier View Post
    What happens if your inner game issues are caused by a disability? I think inner game is whats stopping my approaches being successful but i cant fix the cause as theres no cure.

    I don't want to stop learning and trying this stuff but i cant get past my sticking point.
    Hard to answer without knowing what the disability is.
    Some info on this will make it easier for anyone to help you.

    Quote Originally Posted by friedchickensoldier View Post
    How much did you find the hypnotica stuff helped you?
    I've found it does really help but only after time its not an instant fix or a magic bullet.
    Different people have had different results with Hypnosis but for the most part most have found it useful.

    Though i've not used it myself I have a friend I talk to on MSN that has been using Hypnoticas 'Collection Of Confidence' and he's said it works really really well, he's been slowly noticing the difference within himself but as I said thats not first hand experence with that product.

    Quote Originally Posted by friedchickensoldier View Post
    i listened to what you recommended but found it a bit confusing, hard to focus on two voices....not sure if it had any effect or not.
    Don't try to listen or focus on the voices try to hear them not to listen, I found its best to clear your mind altogether and relax.
    You may not find theres much difference after listening to it as you need to listen to it at least a few times, its about repetition and the chances may be slow at first, keep going with it and see what happens after a week or 2.
    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.




    And remember, if all else fails in set just try this, works everytime.

  12. #9

    Well i don't want to de-rail the thread, i have chronic fatigue and pain, it makes it very hard to get into the same high energy state that most people are in when they're out in clubs, amongst other things.

    Ill try listening to a few other hypnotica things, i didn't realise you have to keep listening to them over a few times. I'm a bit hesitant to purchase the sphinx thing, unless i see some improvement from the free stuff.

  13. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by friedchickensoldier View Post
    Well i don't want to de-rail the thread
    No problem I would like to keep this thrad on topic and your posts are that.

    Quote Originally Posted by friedchickensoldier View Post
    i have chronic fatigue and pain, it makes it very hard to get into the same high energy state that most people are in when they're out in clubs,
    Fully understandable, its good to always be a little higher energy then the set your talking to but its not the be-all-end-all and you don't have to do it to succeed, the important thing is to keep them entertained, having a higher engery helps with that but you can still do it with lower energy levels.

    Quote Originally Posted by friedchickensoldier View Post
    Ill try listening to a few other hypnotica things, i didn't realise you have to keep listening to them over a few times. I'm a bit hesitant to purchase the sphinx thing, unless i see some improvement from the free stuff.
    Keep playing with the free stuff to see how you react to Hypnosis first before buying anything, also note the sphinx isn't a confidence building product.
    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.




    And remember, if all else fails in set just try this, works everytime.

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