Manage Expectations

The more involved I get with this stuff, the more interesting, and at times emotionally draining, lessons I learn. The most interesting lessons oftentimes relate less to the initial pick-up, with regards to the first encounter (at the bar, club, etc…), but with the aftermath of what happens afterwards. Reason being, while there are literally thousands of hours and pages regarding the first night, there is much less out there about the follow-through.

Braddock and Mr. M must have realized this when they set out to craft the Phone and Text Game Book – one of the biggest inroads in post initial encounter follow-through. Even then though, there still remains little material, and I have found that most of what I have learned has been through personal reference experiences, extrapolated theories, female psychology, and the advice of the people I surround myself with (who are fortunately as involved, if not more involved, in this stuff than as I am).

These lessons, when learned through personal reference experiences, as a majority of them do, tend to come with unpleasant, albeit temporary, moments of emotional drain and frustrated moments of “what the fuck just happened?” I’ve definitely had such moments wreck nights, and even weekends, which might have otherwise been great. This may in itself be a blessing in disguise; for when the leverage of real-world emotions are at stake, a deep motivation to break-down what went wrong, and what could have been done differently, usually joins the party.

Here’s a big one regarding post initial pick-up, which will hopefully save you a bundle of unnecessary heartache:

Expect Nothing: Expect nothing… at least not until you’ve slept with the girl on 3 separate occasions. Up until that point, the consistency of your relationship with the girl in question is still at random and completely up in the air. Why? Because many things at this point could cause her to flip a 180 – it could be biological (you can thank estrogen/progesterone cycles for this), 3rd party (i.e. ex-boyfriend re-entered her life), buyer’s remorse (she feels like you’re a player, a.k.a. she feels like a slut), or a hundred other things. The point is, if you set up expectations, a few things happen:

First, the lines where you draw your boundaries (and subsequent subcommunications) will inevitably be altered. For instance, say you met a girl at a bar, you took her on a date, hooked up with her, and then a couple weeks later planned to meet up with her and her friends while you and your friends were out. In this very instance, it could be very easy to set the expectation that she act in a way that communicates and subcommunicates that she is into you (after all, you’ve already hooked up right?). But what if she doesn’t? What if she’s friendly, but not very forward, acceptive but not receptive, or what if she’s “tired” and abruptly takes off?

How your mind makes sense all this data will be heavily dependent on the set of expectations the information is being filtered through. If at one extreme, you held the rationalization and expectation that, because you two have hooked up once before, that she should act as though you two are definitively dating, you might become upset. Under this expectation, this makes sense: if a girl you were actually definitively dating were in the manner mentioned above, you would have every right to be irritated. The truth of the matter is though, that at this point, you really don’t have any right.

And this is where your affected boundaries, and subsequent boundary function, might dig your own grave: If you throw a boundary that’s hard enough to reprimand her for your emotional distress, you’ve probably killed the set (needy much?). But even with boundary function aside, if you are clearly upset about how she is acting, you will invariably subcommunicate your feelings, and she will pick up on them (girls are physiologically built to be able to pick up even the slightest subcommunications), which will also downward spiral the interaction.

Tactically, the winning move in this case is to not have any expectations -- because no matter what the reason for how she’s acting…

The Positive: maybe she really has been out all day and is exhausted, maybe she’s anxious that her phone died, maybe she doesn’t want to look a certain way in front of the friends she brought out, maybe she’s not feeling well… The Negative: maybe you pushed too hard for the meet-up and came off needy, maybe she felt like a slut after hooking up with you on the first date and is unsure now, maybe there was a deficiency in how you’ve pinged her, maybe you’re just not on fire tonight, maybe you’ve run too much attraction material, maybe she’s really just not that into you anymore…

You’ll never know for sure. And the reasons your mind will gravitate towards and align with are heavily determined by your a.) expectations and b.) inner game. Holding inner game constant (not the focus of this article…), I can assure you that only bad things can come from having miscalibrated expectations. Under a set of overly-optimistic expectations, the best case scenario would be that things go as planned and you are content (she is expressively happy to see you, she ditches her friends, you pull her home, and you bang for 10 hours). In the worst case, she acts the way I described a few paragraphs above (which, really, is something that is not grossly uncalibrated for her to do), and you fall into a downward emotional spiral, potentially and unnecessarily killing any future with her.

The key point is to manage your expectations, because it is your expectations that are a vital variable in determining how many girls you can convert from phone numbers to consistent lays.

So that’s the theory of it, here are a few things you can actually implement:

1.) Create a threshold: At the beginning of the post, I made an crude rule of 3 separate lays before you ramp up the expectations. I have no scientific backing on this, and this is surely to be different from person to person (depending on i.e. the type of game you run, the time between those 3 lays, the context of the situation, etc…), but in general, it is probably safe to say that you haven’t really hit smooth sailing until you’ve had sex with one particular girl on 3 separate occasions. Up until that point, expect nothing more than general social calibration, and be pleasantly surprised if you get anything more.

[Note: You should always expect general social calibration. For instance, if a girl invites you out and is completely unresponsive and ice-cold when you meet up with her, then yes, drop a boundary on that clown. Sadly, this too has happened to me relatively recently – it’s been quite the month…]

2.) Influence location: If you’re going to meet up with a girl for a date before you’ve hit “smooth sailing,” do not bring her to a place similar to where you would have picked her up the first time (i.e. a busy night club). I could write paragraphs on why this is not tactically sound (forced to be more high-energy, giving off a player/party vibe, seeming like a one-trick pony, less ability to jump right into the qualification/comfort cycle best suited for dates, falling back into the frame of you being there to hit on her or pick her up as a function of the environment etc… x100), but just take my word and don’t do it.

3.) Influence company: Do whatever you can so that when she meets up with you, she doesn’t bring any of her friends, or isn’t around any of her friends. She is more than welcome to hang out with yours, but bringing her friends will throw a huge wrench of uncertainty into the whole mix. On one hand, you might be able to escalate things just as you normally would have (emotionally, physically and logistically), but on the other, she might not let you because of that fact that she is uncomfortable getting too intimate with you in front of the friends she’s brought out that night. And while not being able to escalate sucks, the worst part is that you’ll never know the reason she’s not letting you move things forward (is it because of her friends? or is it because of you?)

This article came about as a function of some things that happened over this past weekend, and essentially and break-down of things I’ll be keeping in mind in the future. Do the same and go through this mental exercise every time something doesn’t according to plan. As your understanding of “game” and female psychology improves, the solutions you come up with will get better and better.