She thinks she doesn't have to put any effort in anymore because I already like her

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  1. #1

    She thinks she doesn't have to put any effort in anymore because I already like her

    One of the girls I'm seeing and seriously interested in recently stopped putting much effort into the relationship. The main thing that bugs me is sometimes I'll text her and she won't reply for days (or at all), when she never used to do that. But at the same time she initiates contact every now and then, and she still wants to hang out. Yeah maybe she's legitimately busy but let's be serious, she used to reply 100% of the time and she's 19 so I know she looks at her phone more than once a week.

    I called her out on it and she said "I already know I have you, I don't have to throw myself at you like every other girl." And she's right, I tease her a lot, I disqualify myself sometimes, we're both really attracted to each other, she knows I have a lot of preselection going on and I have options, but at the end of the day she knows I like her and she doesn't have to try as hard because she's already "in." There was one period where we didn't talk at all for a month because we were both insanely busy, and she basically said that if we still liked each other after not talking at all for that long, she didn't think it was possible for us to ever stop liking each other.

    Basically, she knows I like her right now, and she doesn't think she has to work anymore because she thinks I'll never lose interest in her.

    We still hang out and we still have sex but I don't like the overall dynamic of the relationship and I want to get it back to usual, where she has to put effort in because she thinks she might lose me. What are some things I could do to get back to that point? She's not as much into texting as most of my other girls are so if I try to wait around for her to text me and then ignore her, it'll be so infrequent that she probably won't even notice. I also can't exactly let her see me dating other girls and shit, because we're at the point where she thinks we're exclusive now. So what can I do here?



  2. First you need to gauge what you want and what she wants. From the way she is acting, she doesn't want you to be more then a fuck buddy that she hooks up with every now and then. You are past the "playing games" with each other phase. If she wanted to date you, she would have put some effort into it. She would have invited you to do dating activities and she would call/text you just to talk. The more you insist on having something more serious the more you'll push her away. Also, please don't ask her to be your gf. That's not going to end well.

    What you need to do is simple. View this from her point of view and don't think it's as special as you think it is. Not talking for a month is not a relationship dude. I would start going out with other girls. Not necessarily hook up, but use jealousy as a tool. Create the impression in her mind that if she doesn't lock onto you, someone else will. This girl is just a girl. Remember that!

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by mikey1987 View Post
    You are past the "playing games" with each other phase. If she wanted to date you, she would have put some effort into it.
    That's true. She knows I have options and she probably thinks I'd drop her if she said she just wanted to be fuck buddies. I do think we are still in the "playing games" phase though and I don't think of her as a "girlfriend", I chose to post this in Relationships because I have f-closed her multiple times and there's an interesting dynamic where I think both of us would be jealous if the other hooked up with someone else. The not talking for a month thing happened awhile back, before we were "serious."

    Not necessarily hook up, but use jealousy as a tool. Create the impression in her mind that if she doesn't lock onto you, someone else will.
    I am seeing other girls but she doesn't know about it. The way our "relationship" is, I think she would be jealous and probably even fuck another guy just to get back at me if I so much as kissed another girl. How exactly would you use jealousy here?

  4. #4

    What kind of work are you expecting her to do?

    You said it yourself, you like her - you don't love her. All you're trying to find out is if you and her are a good couple and compatible.

    She might be putting on a front regarding that she doesn't think you'll leave, but then if you do put that element of doubt in her head, there's no guarantee she'll stick around or want to work on keeping it going.

    At 19, her friends are still of more importance than you are. That dynamic usually shifts when her friends start pairing off with boyfriends... not talking about dating for a few months, but in LTRs where they'll start drifting off and doing their own thing. At 19, usually doesn't happen unless she's clingy. Early 20s, happens after she's gotten past the initial allure of the club scene and hooked up with different people, but even then, the friends are still a higher priority.

    If somebody told me "I already know I have you", I don't know if I want someone I'm dating to be all that sure that they do have me and we're just dating. If you throw that exclusivity off, sex is prob. going to be off the table if she senses you're seeing someone else, because she expects you to chase her.

    Some people would say not to play the field if you're not completely into her, but you have to remind yourself that this is still just dating. If you're worried about getting caught, then don't for piece of mind. But if she's not what you want and not holding her end up,you should think about where this is headed.

    There's also a point where you should not get jealous of girls you're not in a relationship with, as far as them seeing other guys go. Whenever you're meeting any woman, you're going to have to deal with the fact that most of them have something going on with another guy when you're getting to know them.

    If a girl doesn't text, talk to her over the phone and let that be your primary way to talk to her.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by sdnightfly View Post
    What kind of work are you expecting her to do?
    By "work" I just mean the usual shit that 99% of girls who like you do. Initiating contact with you (texting/calling) because they want to talk to you ... replying every time you text them ... asking you to hang out with them ... etc. In my experience almost every girl who likes me or has liked me in the past will be eager to initiate contact with me or at the very least reply whenever I initiate contact with them.

    The biggest thing that bugs me about this specific girl is that based on her actions alone, she seems to be exhibiting the behavior of someone who is mildly interested, but definitely not fully interested (for example she doesn't always text back, she only initiates contact once in a blue moon ... yet she still talks sometimes and is open to hanging out). So I start thinking this girl isn't interested but if I push her away or call her out on it, she just gives me the "I'm not like all your other girls, I'm not gonna throw myself at you ... but I really like you and want to be serious with you" thing.

    In her defense, my buddy has her on his Facebook friends and I've checked out her page and it doesn't seem like she really does anything with other guys, all of her activities seem to involve her hanging out with her 3 girlfriends. And she's conveyed to me a couple of times that she has this impression in her head that I'm a huge alpha who can get any girl I want, so based on that I can see why she would try to play hard to get, IF she is playing. I had a talk with her one time when she brought this up and tried to assure her that I was interested in her and I didn't want to see anyone else ... so she should know she doesn't have to play that game. But then again maybe she's not playing at all and she legitimately isn't that interested.

  6. #6

    Update: Was talking to her today and she gave me the "I like you, I just have a lot going on and can't be in a relationship right now" line. Translated into English: "I hate you and don't wanna talk to you ever again." I deleted her number.

    But out of curiosity, what ARE some things you can do to salvage a girl who seems to be losing interest?

  7. #7

    She's just ending it before you do so as to salvage her self-image.

    Otherwise its just 'girl game'. They all try the same shit, hold back on contact, even try to pretend they have all of these other guys interested in them. Reason being that if a guy does that to a girl it flips her attraction switches, so naturally she'll assume the same is true for a man...not the case. It will work on an unconfident guy who is seeking external validation, but any well-adjusted, socially calibrated guy it will drive him away. Girls are silly, they try and turn the guy into the needy one, then they are repulsed by and reject him when they succeed.

    But she also can't be all lubby dubby since she's been walked on too many times by those same unconfident guys, and therefore they sabotage any shot they have at a healthy relationship. Girls really do have it worse than guys. I promise.

    Keep your frame and she'll text you randomly in about a week with something that anyone would have texted you so as it doesn't seem like she's reaching out to you.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by D3tail View Post
    She's just ending it before you do so as to salvage her self-image.

    Otherwise its just 'girl game'. They all try the same shit, hold back on contact, even try to pretend they have all of these other guys interested in them. Reason being that if a guy does that to a girl it flips her attraction switches, so naturally she'll assume the same is true for a man...not the case. It will work on an unconfident guy who is seeking external validation, but any well-adjusted, socially calibrated guy it will drive him away. Girls are silly, they try and turn the guy into the needy one, then they are repulsed by and reject him when they succeed.

    But she also can't be all lubby dubby since she's been walked on too many times by those same unconfident guys, and therefore they sabotage any shot they have at a healthy relationship. Girls really do have it worse than guys. I promise.

    Keep your frame and she'll text you randomly in about a week with something that anyone would have texted you so as it doesn't seem like she's reaching out to you.
    Yeah I completely agree with everything you said. Every time a girl runs "girl game" on me, it backfires and pushes me to spend more time with other girls as opposed to her. So no one wins.

    I already deleted her number because she was annoying me so much, so I'll see if she texts me in a week or whenever. At this point I'm not even sure if she's worth the trouble as it seems like I've wasted enough time on her and it would be better to just drop her and focus on other girls.

  9. #9

    When a girl figures out she can attract a lot of guys, they get really flaky and "confused". The best thing to do is if the girl's been with you less than a month and gets like that, don't make a big deal out of it and just blow them off. If she sees you with other girls, so what?

    Hate's pretty strong. She figured out she has options.

    But I think her friends have some influence over what she's doing, and might even be putting words in her mouth. If you think this doesn't "sound like her" or something she'd say, odds are she's turning to someone for questionable advice.

  10. Hey guys just curious my gf now and again plays girl game on me i know she tries to make me jealous.The thing is it actually pushes me away from her alot.i feel she feels it will make me chase her, but i just think i cant be fucked with this shit and have felt like ending it at times or im just in a state of mind where i feel i really need some space from her for a bit.It seems like she's like it whenever she goes out with her friends for a few days after she'll play games.Do you recon i should call her out on her on it or just leave it?I just want to be normal with her and so does she she said "i miss us being normal soo much" but then she plays games.What to do guys??

    Cheers

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