Marry my Ex gf? How to get her back...?
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  1. #1

    Marry my Ex gf? How to get her back...?

    If this is too long, I will happily edit it to be more concise. I'm just trying to be inclusive/detailed to get the best advice. I'm new here so bear with me, just let me know if its too long. To those who will take the time to read it all, thanks very much in advance.

    I’m 26 and so is she. We started dating when we were about 20, and were together for 5 and a half years. The last two years were pretty rough, broke up a few times, once for 2 months where she dated another guy and I won her back easily (2.5 years ago) and again for two months where we had a bad blow out and she she dated some guy (1.5 years ago) but again I won her back . I was always able to win her back easily when we broke up, 2 week max return, living in the same semi-small college town city (250k people).

    Things were ok with us when I lost my job last July (she and I had been living together for about 7 months), but I had to move 6 hours away to live with my parents when this happened. I was in a terrible state of mind. I felt like my boss kicked me in the teeth, I was broke, stressing out about trying to get back into a Masters program for the Spring (successful), away from my woman, and just at dead rock bottom.

    Anyway, because of the strain of the distance, my shitty weak self-pitty state of mind at the time, I did not treat her or give her the amount of attention I should have last Fall. I didn’t text her enough, I was distant in conversation on the phone. She tried to cheer me up sometimes, visited me and brought me a gift, one time sent me a letter with her lipstick kisses all over it, etc. I didn’t appreciate these efforts.

    I did nothing for her Birthday in October, I was a zombie. What a jackass.

    We only got to see each other every two weeks. By end of October we broke up, I was devastated but at the time it felt like it was inevitable, and the right thing to do, so I went with it. This was the lowest point in my life.
    I eventually got a job selling cars for the month of December. I learned a lot about having to be confident to sell yourself and the car. Got to talk with lots of strangers and worked with incredibly positive and fun guys, alpha male territory for sure. Exactly what I needed at the time, saved my soul.
    I moved back to the college town in January for school. Over the semester I lost my alpha male mentality having to concentrate on school and living with younger immature people took me down a notch.

    I forget how it came about, but in January I met her for coffee and to help her with her laptop one afternoon. I think I emailed her to say hi, and this developed. We met, chatted a bit, fixed the computer, then I left. A 45 minute meeting, I still did not want to be with her at this time. I can’t remember how I was able to not be attracted to her. I moved on with the semester, made a perfect GPA, gained 10lbs of muscle, got some sun, life was good.

    She’s damn dead charming and incredibly confident. And its her constant personality that makes her charming. You hear it a lot, but she’s the f*cking master at charm. She prides herself on being a socialite. She is flawless in social situations with any type or age of person. She’s gorgeous, and because of my influence on her over the years she has become very ambitious . She’s really, really, really good at selling herself. She likes sex, a lot. Her parents had a rough divorce when she was 12, she has 4 brothers who all amount to nothing, and 2 have had kids at too young of an age and are in shitty marriages. She didn’t know what love within her family was when she was young. She is the family’s hope for success. She has a lot of pride. She does a lot of modeling to break into other, bigger better things in the advertising and marketing industry, which from talking with her seems she is accomplishing.

    So anyway I email her mid-June, saying im moving to Houston soon and that it would be good to see her before I go, I invite her for a coffee. She writes back, says shes moving to dallas soon, and she would be down for coffee. We get coffee, we chat a bit, it’s a little awkward at first. I find out she is seeing someone. Ouch. I act like its nothing, suggest we get a drink somewhere as its getting closer to about 8:30pm. She resists at first but is easily swayed. We drink a bit, walk to another bar, drink a little more. She tells me about her successes with modeling and how it has led her to model, write, and design an article in an online magazine. I go on about how great my spring semester went, I gained muscle, im tan, she says she notices and that I look good. She’s breaking down a bit, gets emotional and bites her lip and I can tell she wants me. I play it cool, don’t want to scare her off telling her I want her.

    She tells me more about her modeling gigs, how people in dallas “flock” to her and love her ideas in the industry, etc. She’s from the city we are in, she’s nervous about moving, it’s a big jump and kind of scary to do. She will be moving in with her Dad in Arlington until she can save up enough money to rent her own place. She’s going to Dallas for a week in 2 days.
    We leave the bar, get some late night BBQ and eat it in her car. I don’t want to leave, she doesn’t ask me to get out. Eventually she’s exhausted and has to drive home, we hug, it lingers. I make an excuse to talk about something else. We talk, brief hug, and I go home.

    I don’t contact her for almost 2 weeks. I call, we meet up for drinks Saturday night. We have a good time, she’s not emotional throughout the night. She comes back to my place for one last drink at the end of the night. We sit/lay on the couch. She’s flirtatious and says she needs to go. She decides she’s too drunk and its almost 4am, so she will sleep in my bed, at first with me on the floor, then with me, but firmly says not to touch her. I respect her wishes, we sleep, get up the next day, have lunch together. 4 pm she wants to have “Sunday-funday” with me. She comes over and we drink a little.
    She can tell I want her. This upsets her a bit and says she should go. I break down, tell her I miss her. After some groveling on my part, I end up seducing her and we get intimate. No sex, she’s on her period, damn.
    Eventually she has to go home because she will work in the morning. I let her go. I think I’m in.

    Next evening I call her and she says she made a mistake being with me last night. Her bf will be crushed if he found out. I send her flowers at work a few days later, she emails to thank me but says maybe we shouldn’t talk. I email, text, no response. I call, she says her bf comes into town for the weekend. I email her and tell her I had planned to Marry her. This is somewhat true. She calls. It hits hard on her, she breaks down and doesn’t know what to do. Her bf is in town so she can’t see me. We talk a lot, I tell her to take some time to think about it, mistake.

    She says she is scared to be with me, she doesn’t want her heart broken again. But she says she loves me and I have been an important person in her life.

    The next week I email, I text. She doesn’t email or text back. However, every time I call, she always answers. We chat on the phone every 2-3 days. I think I’m getting through to her a bit, she likes the chase. Her emotional/love connection feels like its slipping, but the friend connection grows a little. I know this girl inside and out. She is just scared to get back with me, but I know she’s still in love with me. She’s damn stubborn and won’t let herself and wont admit it. My thinking is that its just going to take longer this time to get her back since we were apart for so long, and she has a bf that supports her. He supports her emotionally and he’s wealthy. F*ck.

    This past weekend is the next time I see her, Sunday night. I had to tell her we will hang out strictly as friends for her to come over. We open a bottle of wine, watch some TV. She begs to see photos of the girls I dated in the 8 months we were apart. I dated 2, had sex with 5, was intimate with 7, I show her 4 I “dated” and tell her I dated a few more.

    She asks if I want to be with her only because its comfortable. She’s contemplating being with me. I say no, I’ve been dating, I know what I want. I tell her to me its simple. She starts to get tired, insists firmly she has to leave. I walk her to her car, hug, she leaves.
    After she leaves I text her I know what she was thinking when she asked the comfort question. She doesn’t respond.

    Monday morning I lapse, I stupidly send her flowers and chocolates to her work. I thought maybe if there was a chance I could strike her heart that it would speed things up between us. She does not email, text, or call. She doesn’t answer my calls that evening. I email to tell her I just wanted to make her feel special and loved, that its what she deserves every day. No response. I did not call, text , or email since the flowers on Monday. I read “A girl is like a shadow, the more you go to it the further it runs away. If you walk away from it, it chases you”, or something like that. Now its Thursday. She’s going to Dallas for the weekend, Friday to Monday. She will be able to move there on July 16th. I have barely 2 weeks to mend things and develop further relations before were both in different cities (3.5 hours apart). I need a game plan. I’m stuck. How long do I wait to contact her again? I’m thinking at least Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

    What should I do?

    Many will say move on. Good advice. However, I do love this girl, and I will take care of her like no other if she lets me. I’m confident I do want to Marry her after a successful dating period. She knows this now.

  2. #2

    One other thing: They have been dating for 8 months now. She wasnt even looking for a bf at first so their first month or so she did not take it seriously, but now she says its serious.

  3. #3

    Well my friend, this is a tricky situation. She is scared of getting hurt, you are showing her your love for her. You must be thinking, why doesn't she just take a chance and be happy!

    From what I can make of history, especially in the recent months, you have shown her how you feel but she has not made up her mind. First thing, try not to contact her for a while. Hope there are some great ideas from other people here for you...

  4. #4

    I think it was a huge mistake on your part talking about wanting to marry her, because it comes off as a desperate act.

    You have to go back to why this relationship's been on again off again.

    The guy she's with is stable, it's not just about how much money someone has. When a guy falls apart, a woman starts thinking about better options than the one she's with.

    It's possible to have something going in Dallas and Houston (it's a bit of a driving distance, but one weekend a month isn't a big deal, or meeting up in San Antonio) until you get to see each other more.

    The fact is there's going to be thousands of things that are going to come your way that will knock you on your ass, and you can't be someone who goes in peaks and valleys if you want to keep her.

    The pro is that you're both on the same page when it comes to what you both want in your futures. That's what you need to focus on, more than the past. You get a girl's mind thinking about a stable future with someone she's had some history with, she starts evaluating a lot of things about the relationship she's in, and what she sees down the road in her future.

    Right now, respect she has a boyfriend, remember that you're not really in her life. Over time, through your efforts and touching base with her, proving more to yourself than to her that you have what it takes to be a great boyfriend and not stress or zombie out the way you did, always keeping things positive and upbeat you've had history built and can rebuild what you lost. But you have to be 100 percent sure you want this. Chasing her to the ends of the earth and promising your undying love ain't going to cut it.

    And if it doesn't work out where she wants you back, wish her well in life and send you updates on how she's doing in her life here and there. But don't manupulate her into straying from her boyfriend, because when you're with her, you're going to wonder if she's doing the same thing to you, when things settle out and go into a routine.

    Regardless of this, I would do a weekend in Galveston or South Padre Island before any storms hit...soon.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Surprise Buttsex

    Read the sticky at the top of this subforum. Tailor made.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Burlington, VT

    STOP sending her chocolates and flowers, for god's sake! no offense but your behavior REEKS of desperation

    like SD said, you gotta respect that she has a boyfriend right now, and that its not you. your certainly not going to win your way back into her life by being pushy, needy, and all that other stuff you were just highlighting in your post. mega-AFC. that quote you read is right, you gotta get on with your own life, and she will start to wonder what you are up to. its good to reinitiate contact with an ex if you truly care about them or if you want to respark something, but if shes already taken, you gotta let it be. you will not be able to build a good relationship from the demise of another one.

  7. #7

    Best advice then to not contact her for a while? A month? I'm thinking of calling next wednesday just to chat... too soon? I know I totally screwed up by sending her stuff. And its not that I'm lonely, I think I have a great life right now, just want to share the good things with her. I haven't contacted her since past Monday b/c I know she will just say "i dont think I can talk to you anymore" or "I dont think its a good idea" when I suggest we get together, although she does talk to me, and we do get together. She once told me she likes the chase... but it seems flowers last Monday was too much.

  8. Quote Originally Posted by jcording View Post
    Best advice then to not contact her for a while? A month? I'm thinking of calling next wednesday just to chat... too soon? I know I totally screwed up by sending her stuff. And its not that I'm lonely, I think I have a great life right now, just want to share the good things with her. I haven't contacted her since past Monday b/c I know she will just say "i dont think I can talk to you anymore" or "I dont think its a good idea" when I suggest we get together, although she does talk to me, and we do get together. She once told me she likes the chase... but it seems flowers last Monday was too much.

    You still sound desperate and without options. Don't contact her for a month. If you call her on Wednesday, then reset the month counter. Meanwhile, get your shit together. Start dating other women, if only to get the smell of desperation off of you.

    Getting back together with an ex is almost never a good idea. It's not like the stressors that broke you up in the first place are going to disappear. Also, you're 26. You still have a lot of living to do before you start thinking about marriage. Marriage, contrary to romantic comedy movies, isn't a lot of fun. It's an enormous amount of work. Get ready for 30 minute lectures by your wife on the proper way to close the cereal box or that the bath towel wasn't hung up properly. I'm serious. And the sex does disappear over time. Birthday blowjobs are no way of going through life.

  9. #9

    ^^ Everyday's your birthday at TGIF's

    Anybody else notice that OP didn't want ex until she didn't want him?

  10. #10

    D3tail, thats not entirely true. She has passed through my mind frequently this past spring, but I have gained a new focus on life and know not to let dwelling on thoughts of her get in the way of things I need/want to accomplish, so I avoided the temptation of contacting her all together. I dated other women even, and enjoyed it. But I would like to give it another shot with her.

    Even as we speak I am finishing up a project for a summer course in my Masters that is due tomorrow. I will finish early tonight because I can push through the distraction and just get it done, then dwell if I must when I have time Then, I'll get on with life and find something more to do, but still hope to hear from her.

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