What to do about "Ex"? How much contact?
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  1. #1

    What to do about "Ex"? How much contact?

    So a month ago, my ex told me she wanted to break up at the end of the school year (I'm 22, She's 19). Some background: She said I love you first, lost her v-card to me, but jumped from a four year relationship to me.

    The sticking point for me is that I still don't really understand why she broke up with me. For one, there were no signs up to that point. Usually, couples either fight or see each other less or have sex less. Something has to give before the break up talk. For us, there were no problems. When she had that talk with me, she told me that she was doing this because she felt we were very different people (for example, I hang out with mostly partiers, and she's more of the book-worm type; our groups of friends are very different). She also didn't want to do long distance when I go off to law school in 2011. And finally, she said she needed time to find herself, since she never got the chance between relationships. I think these are legitimate reasons, but none compelling enough to break up with someone you love.

    Anyways, we agreed to enjoy each other's company for the last month of school, and we did. We had a great time, and it was like nothing changed (though in my mind I knew it was a relationship with an expiration date). We finally parted ways last week. Since then, I've really been missing her. We practically lived together, since she lived right down the hall from me. It's pretty hard quitting cold turkey.

    Sunday night, she messaged me to see how I was doing. We bantered and flirted for a bit, but then I caved. I asked her if she still felt anything, and she told me of-course, that she definitely still loved me.

    The problem I have right now is I don't know how to behave. We'll be in different cities for the summer, and she'll be in Asia for a good half of it. I've been trying to seek advice from Game, but the standard "how to get your ex back" advice from Savoy doesn't seem applicable.

    For one, she and I ended on pretty good terms. She initiated contact like a day after she left school, so the whole don't initiate contact for 3 months crap sorta doesn't apply here. And when we talk about being apart, sometimes she refers to it as a breakup, but these days she refers to it as a break.

    And as far as I can tell, I was never AFC in the relationship (at least, most of the time). I was usually in control, I took shit tests pretty well (though she wasn't the type of girl who gave out that many shit tests). She never flaked on me, never flirted with other guys, etc etc.

    So my main dilemma right now is how should I behave this summer? The distance by nature keeps us apart for a good 3 months. But I don't know how limited I should keep online contact. Most of the PUA literature says to keep some distance, get your own shit together, work out, and try to forget her. And I will do that. For one thing, I don't want to keep talking to her and become just a friend (when we talk, I try to flirt and elevate the sexual tension). But at the same time, I don't want to shut her out, because one of the occasional problems in our relationship was that sometimes she felt I was being too much of an asshole.

    So that's my specific question: given the scenario, how much contact, what kind of contact? Should I talk about getting back together? Or should I keep it light? Should I flirt?

    And yes, I know some of you will say that I need to get my shit together and stop being needy and become independent and etc etc. I'm familiar with that advice and I get it. I will def do some soul searching and self-improvement and generally try to not romanticize her. I will date other girls and do things for myself. But I do feel that eventually, I do want her back, or at the very least, I want the option of having her back.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Burlington, VT

    one key thing you left out is how long youve been with each other.

    anyway, she made a very legitimate case for ending the relationship, and for 19 yr old, sounds like she's tryin to be pretty smart about everything.

    sure right now you want to get back with her, but this is because your emotions are so high due to the recent breakup. give it a little time, and you might not still want to be with her.

    i would keep contact to an EXTREME minimum, and do NOT talk about getting back together. let her wonder about it, because you bringing it up all the time is only gonna turn her off to the idea.

    yes a lot of people are gonna tell you to get on with your life and do good things for yourself, because ending a relationship is one of the best times to reinvest in who you are as an individual, so while it may be repetitive, DO NOT ignore this advice

  3. #3

    Thanks K-Vision. I won't ignore that advice. For the record, we were together for a year, but it felt like much longer since we lived right next to each other.

  4. #4

    You're not going to know how this will play out until you're out of law school and you're both able to live close enough to each other.

    As long as you and her are in the same area and can see each other, you might be "officially" over, but neither of you have moved on yet.

    But I think she also feels you and her are too different to work in the long run, even though your relationship dynamic isn't that uncommon, where one is the loud outgoing one, and the other is the passive, quiet one. But through what you wrote, there are aspects of your personality that she prob. liked and disliked at the same time. It's like when you watch Vince Vaughn in a movie -there's things people like and dislike about him.

    Get through law school, keep things positive with her, expect to get together now and then, and when you're done with school, see where things are at that time.

    By then, you'll both have dated other people, and might not feel the same about each other. You both find yourself on different paths in life. It's natural. But then again, you might get together and it could go off fine.

  5. I have a theoretical question about this situation. If she were to ask if you still had feelings for her, what should you say?

  6. Quote Originally Posted by denumbaone View Post
    I have a theoretical question about this situation. If she were to ask if you still had feelings for her, what should you say?
    "I'll always remember the good stuff --- at the same time I realize I'm better off flying solo for a while".

    Reconciling with an ex isn't a good idea. There's a reason you broke up with her/she broke up with you in the first place. And it isn't going to magically go away by getting back together. You can be friendly with an ex, but not really friends.

  7. just to warn you, i am a pretty bitter person when it comes to these kind of situations because i've been hurt before. But anyway, the way i understand the LDR would be only 3 months? See, this is why i am so fking careful about dating young girls now... im 23 and i had a 19 year old long distance. we managed to go for 6 months before she requested a break which lead to breakup cuz to me the idea of a break is the most retarded excuse to fuck others officially. Anyway, if you are going to be LDR for 3 or even 6 months then it's not the distance that plays role here... back in the day when my parents were dating my dad left for the army for 2 fucking years! and my mom waited for him... so if a girl can't wait 3-6 months it really shows how immature she is.. most young girls know nothing about real love (feel the bitterness haha). And so they base their whole relationship on what they think the relationship should be.. they lead their relationships by a handful of preset rules and i think that is ridiculous.. I dono man, i know you love her and stuff but like i said if im getting this right and she didn't want to do an LDR for just 3 months or even 6 or 9 months, i'd just forget about her... But that's just my own rule.. if a girl cannot wait for you one year then there was never REAL love.. at least not for her (by waiting for a year i of course mean you seeing each other once in a while, like once in 2 months or so for a week or whatever)

    Anyway, looking from a third point of view this kinda thing slightly gets on my nerves because it reminds me of my past relationships with younger girls and how stupid i was to hope for something.. Just get on with your life and date other girls.. the MAIN obvious reason we all suffer from breakups is because we have no immediate alternative to replace the person you've grown attached to.. But you know the moment you meet someone else and you develop some kind of feelings towards that new person you will see how fast you forget about this one.

    So my advice would be to just drop it and not hope for anything and im not even going to suggest the fact that she will want you back if you do that.. and there are pretty high chances she will.. but like in most of my personal scenarios by the time they wants me back i've moved on to be a happy man without them.. so think about that.

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