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01-20-2010, 03:27 PM #1
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
First time sex nerves / erection problems
I don't think I've ever needed your advice more.
My problem area is getting an erection before sex and being far too nervous about sex in general. I'm a 20 year old virgin and despite two great opportunities i've failed to f-close my gf, who i've been with for 2 months. To be honest I am really nervous about it. When i'm waiting to see her and i know that we could end up having sex, I literally shake with nerves.
I have no problem getting hard in situations where i know sex is not possible such as in the daytime, and for blowjobs and handjobs im absolutely fine. Losing my erection seems to kick in when i'm lying over her and about to reach over for a condom. I start to think too much and it just goes.
Take the first time it happened, I put the condom on and then lost my erection and couldn't get one again no matter how hard she tried. Afterwards i told myself it was due to having to search for a condom from the other side of the room. But deep down i knew it was a nerves issue.
The second time I eventually got hard and was lying over her and was just gonna reach over for a condom when we both stopped cos we could hear my heart pumping really loudly. No joke. My heartbeat has never been so fast and loud even after going for a run.
That sort of killed the moment and we didnt end up having sex because we could here her parents coming upstairs. But then as soon as i realised sex wasnt gonna happen i immediately loosened up and relaxed and then had no problems whatsoever getting hard for a blowjob.
I will have a free house again in four days and i'm hoping that I'll be able to deliver. Any advice will be much appreciated
Oh a little bit of extra info: my girlfriend isnt a virgin and I know her ex who she lost her virginity to, which makes me feel a bit wierd. I really like her (maybe too much) and have never felt so close to a girl before. Also i used to masturbate to porn daily until last week but have decided to stop to try and help my cause. I only used to masturbate to the foreplay parts of porn though, the sex parts never really did much for me.
01-21-2010, 11:04 AM #2
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
- Charlotte, NC
lol. I literally was in the same boat for a while.
A few things:
1) Quit watching porn. Period. It's not a 'once in a while thing'. Porn fucks with your brain, man. In way more ways than you realize. In fact, the porn probably is a big contributing factor to your lack of boner. The good news is that about 2 weeks after watching porn (meaning you have to have NO PORN for 2 weeks) your libido gets a little more useful.
2) It's tough, man...i know. Nerves will ALSO fuck with you. A few tips:
*keep the condoms an arms reach away...bedside table drawer? box on top of the bedside table? box on the floor right under your bed where you can just reach down and grab em? Either way, make sure condoms are close.
*You have to reframe your mind. Don't have sex to please her. Make the first time you get laid ALL about you. Don't worry about pleasing her...lasting too long/long enough, etc. Just have sex ONLY to make yourself feel good. It's your first time...you DESERVE that much.
01-21-2010, 04:18 PM #3
read, sex god method - daniel rose.
it changed my sex life and made me alot better in bed
01-30-2010, 02:03 AM #4
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
Thanks guys. Heres an update...
Last night it happened to me again, although this time i thought i was less nervous and wasnt physically shaking with nerves, I just couldnt get turned on. Earlier in the day i was super-turned on for some oral and had no problems getting it up. Then we watched tv basically waiting for my parents to go out until we could try again. When it came to it i just didnt feel 'in the zone'. Usually a bit of heavy kissing can get it up but I could only get a semi when i was fingering her. Anyway i got a little harder and asked for a blowjob to get it fully-hard but it didnt work - I didnt get any harder and just came after a while.
My thoughts on why its happening:
- We plan sex which 'builds it up' and i psyche myself out too much.
- For the whole day before all i think is 'i hope i'll get hard'. During foreplay before sex all i can think about is 'will i get hard?' 'am i hard?' 'am i still hard?'.
- She's had sex before with a guy i know which makes me feel weird. She has said that shes 'a little nervous because she's not very experienced.' I'm still a virgin
- All of my friends have had sex. I've done other things with a few girls, but one of my friends who is awful with girls and only kissed someone for the first time a few months ago has recently lost his virginity. Im embarassed/ashamed.
- I think because of this i've been 'put off sex'. When i watched porn it was always the foreplay bits that did it for me, never the actual sex. I've stopped masturbating now though.
- I want to build a strong sex drive, any tips would be great.
I think the main thing that i need is a method to have a clear head in foreplay and not think 'am i hard' every two seconds. I think i need a way to be really really turned on.
Thanks so much. If it wasnt for this forum or the people that reply to this thread I dont know what i would do. Im determined to overcome this psychological issue.
01-31-2010, 08:51 AM #5
- Join Date
- Jan 2010
- Manchester, UK
You're blowing this up in your head too much and making it a big issue.
Do you enjoy kissing and touching this girl? Do you enjoy it when she's doig the same to you? Focus on how it is feeling, not on what is going to happen next. Pretend you don't know what comes next all the time. SLOW YOURSELF DOWN. Give yourselves time.
I think somewhere in there you're beating yourself up because you want to be better than her ex, you're worried that she'll be comparing you, and that you might not do it "right"?
NEWSFLASH: None of the last paragraph matters. You will be better because you're giving a shit about it, because you care. She's not comparing you because she is wanting to be intimate with YOU. And of course you'll be doing it right, because you were born to do it.
Just have some fun!
Peace and Be Wild!
01-31-2010, 11:42 PM #6
- Join Date
- Jan 2010
agree with maninmac dont be worried about it to much its in your dna. geting the shakes and stuff its all in your head your making sex to much of a big deal. sex is overrated in the terms of that it will bring major changes to your life or anything like that
Just relax its just another way of expressing yourself physicaly to your partner like kissing. I use to think that sex would give me insane amount of confidence and just bring changes haha. i realised i was wrong abit before i lost my virginty and that helped me heaps.
02-03-2010, 11:03 PM #7
its totally normal!!
lost my virginity at 19 and the funnest thing happened where i went soft inside a girl!!! man she was pissed LMAO!
the thing is you are using your logical brain to think of all sorts of uncomfortable things. you need to switch that off and use the creative side instead.
my first time i had actual had sex i kept the lights on. i did heavy make out seasons while feeling her body all over! not just breast and butt but her shoulders, her thighs, her hair...I GOT A BONER!! lol
the best part was i imagined what she is. i did not look at her like beautiful snowflake that was going to be woo into ecstasy. but as her being a dirty whore that wanted my cock in her ass.
I got her all hot and now it was my turn to give it to her or not. i made her beg for it, and had her sucking my cock when she said please. she deepthroated so i ate her out and she was so horny i swear she was about to rape me!
the point being i didnt start think omg what if im not good in bed. the funny thing is IM NOT! Im no Ron Jeremy. and girls still call me to take it. why? because im creative. I let my deep sexual fantasies come alive and have the girls i love become part of that fantasy. What ever you do NEVER WORRY about giving her an orgasm! the fact that your dick is inside of her is PLENTY to make sex enjoyable to her, seriously! if you come in less than 2 mins THATS NORMAL!! its your first time, your suppose to be superman?
use your creative side and think about all the dirty things you always wanted to do to her. if you must. watch porn, and dont jerk off. just watch and imagine you doing those things to your GF, what you want to do, what you think that would feel like, how she would woan and scream while your doing it. etc.
one more thing i learned the hard way. no matter what! the SEX is always great, never tell her your sorry for whatever (i mean seriously what are you sorry for?) never say better luck next time or something of that nature. always say thats was GREAT! and CUDDLE! she just gave you her most precious possession...HER BODY! reward her for that, use your sweet side to show her your love her because what she gave you is what you will share together. thus allowing her to feel comfortable to have sex with you again.
have fun use a condom.
02-07-2010, 03:19 PM #8
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
Thanks for your replies. The last three posts in particular are really helpful.
Unfortunately I have another failed attempt under my belt :P. I have decided that I will keep this thread updated with my experiences, and hopefully my success before too long.
This time I was leaning over her and was hard, I put the condom on, we kissed some more, I thought too much about what I was going to do, I realized I was no longer hard enough to penetrate, so I decided to give her some oral whilst trying to get myself hard again. But I just came in the condom. Uh oh. (I hadn't masturbated for a week).
This time it was a lot more passionate than previous attempts yet i still bottled it.
1. I should have pulled down her underwear at the same time as I pulled down her jeans - which caused an unnecessary state break later on.
2. I've realized another thing I have been doing wrong... After putting a condom on I've always gone back to kissing her for a little while, then realized I've gone soft. Am i right in thinking its fine to put the condom on then enter her straight away?
3. I always seem to delay penetration by thinking things like "I'll kiss for a little longer", or "I'll give her some oral first". Obviously I need to stop that because its making me lose my erection.
4. I need to change my mindset to a more instinctive way of thinking, for example, when I'm about to kiss or do anything else to my girlfriend I don't think about what I'm going to do in my head. But approaching sex I can't help myself from thinking in that way. Does anyone have any advice on how to get myself in that instinctive mindset?
02-09-2010, 10:12 AM #9
Just try and stay out of your head totally. Stop paying attention to what your mind is doing. Instead, pay attention to the physical reality around you. Feel what it is like to be alive... in your skin... in the physical space that you occupy. Quite your mind... Feel the heart in your chest. Just feel. I know it sounds weird, but you will never get rid of your thoughts... just let them exist... notice them arise... and notice them fade... act as if you are a seperate observior of your mind... and not the contents of your thoughts.
Keep us updated man, we're all rooting for ya.
02-11-2010, 11:04 AM #10
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