Mid-Game: A massive, often unspoken, sticking point

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  1. #1
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    Mid-Game: A massive, often unspoken, sticking point

    I've been in the game for over 2 years now and I'm finding there is far too little on the subject of mid-game, or the transition period from about the third date or f-close to some kind of a relationship, whether it be open or traditional.

    Much of the game focuses on what I call "initial game" and "date game". This is basically the period of initial attraction to actually sleeping with the girl. Often times, we'll continue sleeping with someone for a month or two before committing into any kind of relationship. This can be quite a tumultuous time, especially if she is also seeing other people.

    There are a few goals of this period:
    Remain interesting
    Keep momentum going in the positive direction
    Avoid neediness
    Avoid jealousy
    Avoid heavy, serious relationship conversations too early
    Be the better guy, in other words, be better than anyone else she is dating.
    Keep interactions light and playful


    Here is the "timeline" I tend to follow when it comes to relationships:

    Initial game: Attraction, qualification, comfort, yeah, they all fit here.
    Date game: More attraction, comfort, eventual seduction and f-close.
    Mid Game: A place we've all been but rarely talk about
    Finish Line: Both people agree to have some form of relationship
    Maintenance: Keep the flame alive



    Mid-Game: The beginning

    Mid-game can be extremely tricky. To her, in the beginning, you were this great, fun, independent, banter-filled guy. You couldn't care less about the outcome because you were seeing 10 other women. Then, things started to change. You started developing a close bond with her. You might find out she's seeing other guys and begin to feel a bit of jealousy. You become attached to the outcome, you overanalyze everything. You hesitate, you're sometimes nervous, you wonder when to call... typical AFC stuff. As a matter of fact, most people refer to this as "reverting to AFC".

    Well, your "freak out" or "lack of inner game" is not really to blame for this one. There is often a flood of chemicals that are released by the body at this point of the interaction that can really screw with you.

    What is going on is evolutionary. Your brain is starting to cut down on the amount of serotonin it produces(yeah, that stuff that creates happiness and general good feelings). When you see your "hopeful girlfriend", your brain sends a spike of serotonin which causes you to feel all kinds of emotions and can almost give you a high.

    Ah, the science of love.

    The problem here is that it becomes a drug... a powerful one. You need your fix and just like any other addict, you start doing stupid things to get it... stupid things like calling a girl 10 times a day or asking to be in an exclusive relationship too early.

    It is incredibly important to realize when your body is screwing with you. If you feel "different", realize it. Don't let these feelings own you. Go eat some dark chocolate(seriously, it increases serotonin). In time, this "addiction" will fade.

    Getting these crazy feelings under control is vital to your success, which leads us to middle mid-game.




    Mid-Game: The, er, middle

    So you have your feelings under control, you realize when you're doing stupid things, and you can think clearly. Good. Now it is time to answer some questions. These questions are critical as you might be thinking of putting a hold on dating other girls. Some of us have wasted years in horrible relationships because we weren't thinking clearly. Don't be one of us.

    The first: What exactly do you want?
    No, I mean seriously, bisexual 5'0" 100lb asian that loves threesomes aside, what do you realistically want?

    Remember that the game allows us to "see the matrix" but at the same time can blind us from what is important. Scoring with as many chicks as possible can but fun but healthy, long-term relationships are vital to our overall happiness in the long run. Finding the "perfect girl" will also never happen. Imperfections are what makes life interesting.

    Why do you want to be exclusive with her?
    If it is because she's seeing other people and you're jealous then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Fearing losing her is natural but pushing her into it so you can "have her" is a sign of insecurity.

    What do you want from her?
    If she's not doing things you want now, trust me, she never will. Don't expect this to change. Is she super messy? Yeah, that won't change either. Doesn't keep herself up? It only gets worse. Make sure you recognize her shortcomings. The inability to do so is a sign you're not ready. Once you do realize them, be sure you can accept them.

    Do you want her to stop dating other people, even if she is not ready?
    You need to discuss these things with her if she seems hesitant to settle down with you. She should have no doubt in her mind that she wants to be exclusive. If there are doubts, they'll be amplified in 6 months. Cheating or leaving could be a possibility.

    Funny feelings aside, can you see being with her long term?
    What I'm saying here is, are you sure you want to be with only this girl? It might seem like a great idea right now but if you feel any bit of uncertainty or like you might want to stray later, you probably will.




    The Finish Line: Bringing up the possibility of a relationship.

    When is it appropriate?

    After sex? After 6 months?

    The answer varies widely. A good rule of thumb is to let her bring it up. Few girls will do this before being intimate. Most will in some kind of way shortly after the first time you're intimate. Women are rarely direct and are not supposed to lead so don't expect a "you, me, exclusive" to come out of her mouth. Instead, look for clues.

    Obvious clues:
    She spends weekends with you.
    She says she has stopped seeing other people.
    She makes a space for your things in her room.
    She talks about going on vacations/trips with you.
    She asks if you are seeing other people.
    She asks "What are we?"

    Of course, that's not an all inclusive list but you get the point.

    However, if you'd rather not wait on the woman, the best way I've found to accomplish the task is to bring it up in a laid-back, almost casual way. Context is important here. If you've been together unofficially for 6 months, you can get a little serious about it. If you've been together a month or two, it's best to not get serious. Also, avoid using terms such as "girlfriend" and "exclusive". Quite a few women get weirded out by labels. It puts an added stress on them and the relationship you two have.



    Maintenance: She said "yes"
    Congrats, just don't get lazy and think "I've got her so I can relax now". Some people don't believe that the game ever ends. I agree, but it does change at this point. There was a great article written by TrueStory about why relationships fail. Read it.

    Damage control: She said "no"
    Your call here if you want to stay with her. If you do, don't mention "exclusivity" again. She knows where you stand and will come around when ready.

    My recommendation is to cut back contact with her and continue dating other women. Do not try to blatantly induce jealousy though as it will backfire.

    At this point, it's a waiting game that usually doesn't end well. She may come around, she may not. She may settle down with someone else. Just be prepared for a not-so-great outcome.



    "Making her your girlfriend" is quite possibly the hardest part of the game. In reality though, the power is in your hands. Keep a level head through the whole process and you'll be seeing that email that reads "xxxxx says that you two are in a relationship, we need you to confirm" no time.



  2. #2
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    Just a few various thing's I've picked up:

    list of do's during mid-game:
    -At this point, it's ok to start being sweet, just don't overdo it and don't be cliche
    -stay funny, laughter trumps all
    -There is a certain individual that pushes cocky/funny. This is no longer the time for that, she's already attracted to you. Instead, be sexy/funny.
    -Be spontaneous
    -Continue taking her on "dates". It makes a woman feel cared for and shows that you're not going to turn into the typical "beer drinking, football watching, wife-beater wearing, loser boyfriend".
    -Get her adrenaline going. When people experience adrenaline rushes together, it has been proven that they grow an incredibly strong bond.

    list of don'ts:
    -Unless the girl is a virgin or has strong beliefs on sex outside of a relationship, don't mention the possibility of a relationship before being intimate.
    -Don't send a relationship request on Facebook before talking to her about it. I normally just hide my relationship status so it doesn't become an issue.
    -Avoid the following words: "couple", "exclusive", "girlfriend", "relationship".
    -If you find out she's seeing other men, try to not let it bother you and don't rush to ask her to be exclusive because of this fact. Be the better man. If you do this, she'll cut out the other men in her life.
    -It's a sad fact but this day and age, sleeping together doesn't mean much. Don't think just because you're having sex that she's willing to settle into a relationship.
    -Much like in the beginning of the dating game, don't try to "buy her" with expensive gifts, dinners, trips, etc. Once you two are in an established relationship, these things are fine.
    -Although expensive gifts are not encouraged, little super-relevant "trinkets" are fine if they're really small and inexpensive. Make sure they're relevant to her as a person.

    On attractive women
    In my experiences, attractive women are much less apt to get into a relationship than men. They love the attention, it makes them feel sexy and validated. They have a ton of options, why would they want to give that up? If you've been with a girl 3 months and she's showing no signs of commitment, she more than likely never will. Be careful to not fall into the "want what you can't have" trap. Move on, make her feel the loss.

    On settling
    Also, we sometimes get sick of the game and settle for a girl we know we'll get bored with. If this is the case, there is no point in bringing up having an exclusive relationship. Don't lead her on. The last thing you want is a crazy woman chopping your balls off for promising her the world only to run off with her hotter best friend.

    On thicker women
    Thinking about a relationship with a not-so-skinny girl? I love my thick women but in my experiences, women will always put a few pounds on when settling into a relationship. You tend to go out to eat more, cook together more, lay around more, she gets on birth control, etc. Every girl I've ever been in a ltr with put on 10 pounds in the first 6 months(usually related to birth control). Be prepared for this and know how to handle it gently or accept it if it happens.

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    BUMP for a refresher!

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    I find this useful.

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    Quote Originally Posted by icefyre View Post
    Maintenance: She said "yes"
    Congrats, just don't get lazy and think "I've got her so I can relax now". Some people don't believe that the game ever ends. I agree, but it does change at this point. There was a great article written by TrueStory about why relationships fail. Read it.
    Is there a link to the TrueStory's article? I can't seem to find it

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    Great post! See so many PUAs fail on this.

    I'll add though that while controlling your emotions is essential (you don't wanna call 10 times a day), you shouldn't be afraid to show some AFC in you (i.e. some romance) here and there to start framing things in a more "emotionally-attached" kind of way. You need to progress and make more contact. Keeping it framed as you this big alpha dog that can get anything and any girls will get you nowhere.

    Most problems I see with PUAs nowadays is the lack of emotion in this part of the game. You can't "pick up" a smart girl, frame it in a casual way (since you're a player and she probably has a clue) and then expect her to fall head over heels for you... For most smart girls, you will fit the "good-fuck" category but not the bf category.

    I strongly believe in Breakthrough Comfort as the answer to Midgame as you call it.

    Cheers,

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hitman47 View Post
    I strongly believe in Breakthrough Comfort as the answer to Midgame as you call it.
    In my opinion, breakthrough comfort is the answer for the committed relationship goal.
    Much of the breakthrough comfort steps is not applicable in the type of relationship i am persuing
    Of course for me:
    [Mid Game] = [Frame] +[Comfort]+[Escalation]

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    Quote Originally Posted by ruca View Post
    Is there a link to the TrueStory's article? I can't seem to find it
    http://www.theattractionforums.com/b...dominance.html

    One of the best damn posts in the history of this forum. I read it about once a month to keep myself from slipping.

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    You don't find much on this because it's the easiest part of the cycle.

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    Thanks for the really good post.

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    The problems outlined in "the beginning" of the Mid-game sounds exactly like my my main problem!

    It's not that I keep getting into that cycle of insecurity and poor inner-game or that I mess whatever flow the girl and I have by reacting badly from the insecurity, but that I still feel it and the CHANCES of screwing it up are higher because I immediately want to try and contact her and thus project an insane amount of neediness (on my own scale). My reflexive course of action is to distract myself and mass text all the other girls of value to prove to myself that I still have options (whether I do or not being irrelevant.

    Quote Originally Posted by icefyre View Post
    There are a few goals of this period:
    Remain interesting
    Keep momentum going in the positive direction
    Avoid neediness
    Avoid jealousy
    Avoid heavy, serious relationship conversations too early
    Be the better guy, in other words, be better than anyone else she is dating.
    Keep interactions light and playful
    That little list contains the cracks that break the dam. Personally, neediness is the main culprit. Icefyre is right, this is a completely under-explored area, and at this point the logistical issues become a greater factor. Real life happens, all members involved have other things to attend to and sometimes all those things lead to situations that are out of your control (person can't stay over because they have a pet to feed, they have odd hours of work, they can't talk as often as you'd like or the rate of calling has decreased dramatically). How do you keep momentum in a positive direction without giving off the needy vibe? Fuck if I know.

    I wish there was a system of how to act in this specific period. The emotions that take over during the "freak-out" part are so strong that I know I can't trust myself to do or say the right things (which is why I immediately go to distracting myself)

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    I've read in David Deida: The Way of Superior Man that only the purpose should be the mans passion in life, not a woman. It's a way of masculinity and one should not be ashamed about it. So, finding the purpose should be priority #1, then the rest.

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    Wow. Fuckin' amazing post. If I had read this earlier, I would not be in the predicament of re-courting my girl.

    All the shit I did wrong:
    -didn't push for exclusiveness or a formal relationship, because I thought that was the woman's job (although we were very much headed there and she's only had one other dude, so I didn't want to spook her).
    -I became always available, almost to the point of neediness. Would go over to her place at 10pm just to read for an hour, sleep in her bed, wake up and go home and change and go to work (what the fuck, dude!!!)
    -I thought becoming an open book would help us grow, but I removed all my mystery
    -I got complacent: didn't hit the gym as much, started having "regular" restaurants and bars instead of trying new things with her

    In my defense on the relation bit, she never hinted at "what are we?" or anything. I was really waiting for that type of cue to say I was interested in a formal relationship.

    Goddamn, if my current pull-away gets her interested (for the 3rd time), I'm going to be a better man and: keep my game tight, hit the gym as hard as I am now, deny her my presence on the semi-regular, and re-establish my mystery (if that's possible). I must add: when I pulled-away after being needy last time, she did come back, and we went deeper into our relationship (her telling her parents about me, her meeting some of my family, sex more regularly, her initiating 50%+ contact, etc.)

    Great post overall. Everything I know I did wrong is right there, and girls don't tell you that shit either. The game doesn't end EVER. The game isn't just how you get a phone number and 3, 4, 10, 20, 50 dates, a formal title, introduction to family members, marriage, kids, etc. The game is forever.

    Can't say enough how great a post this is. The fog of war is lifted and if this soldier gets another shot, she doesn't stand a chance!

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