The Waiting Game(She doesn't know what she wants)

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  1. The Waiting Game(She doesn't know what she wants)

    To get straight to the point, hear is a brief overview of my situation. I've been dating this girl for about 5 months now. 2 months into dating she expressed that she wanted to be exclusive. I responded that I would like the same thing and at some point if things work well I would like to call her my gf but not at that time. 3 months later I decided that I wanted to be able to call her my gf, so i gave her an ultimatum. She ultimately accepted and became officially bf and gf for about 3 weeks. Things were AWESOME for those 3 weeks. But Then one night her ex-bf, univited, randomly shows up outta the wood work at this party her roomates threw. The same night she decides that she didnt want a bf becuz she was afraid of the heartache and broke it off with me. I gave her a week of space then decided to tell her that I needed to let go of her and I just needed to hear from her that I should move on. She responds that she couldnt tell me that because she would be lying because she herself hasn't moved on, but she doesnt know what she wants and its totally up to me if I want to wait and see what happens.

    Other Important Points:
    -She hates titles(but i technically forced one upon her with the ultimatum)
    -This ex-bf that came back was her first love and she got burned by him(they havents seen eachother in over a year)
    -She says she really is afraid of heartache
    -The night she broke it off she literally did a 180 on me(it wasnt like we were fighting or anything....she was actually doing more of the initiating in the relat. if anything)
    -She also says shes not sure if shes ready to be in a relat.

    So my questions are:
    How long should I wait?
    Does this seem like a legit excuse to break up?
    At what point should I move on?
    What should I do in the meantime as I wait? (Give her space etc.)
    Is there anything I can do to speed up her decision(in my favor of course)?

    Truth of the matter is I'm falling for this girl and I would like to see if she changes her mind, but I don't know how long before I move on. Thanks for the Replies guys I'll appreciate it.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    In the Minds of Others

    She already doesn't consider you two together.

    Of course she wants you to wait, she doesn't want you to be with anyone else.

    If you wait here is how this most likely plays out: You find out from her or someone else that she is with someone else, or is at least playing the field.

    What you do: Improve yourself, focus on wht's important to you, and kick life in the ass!!

    Aldo do not shut yourself of from other opportunities. She doesn't like titles anyways, and there definitely isn't one right now.

    If she had any bad feeling about you enjoying your life while he "finds herself" then she is more than likely always going to be a flaky, disrespectful person.

    And I don't care what you say, this is disrespectful, she wants you to hang on, put your life on hold, while she "figures things out"

    This is 100% her trying to see what else is out there, otherwise you both could figure things out together.

    The only thing she can figure out without you that pertains to you at all is: With or Without......

    And you should do the same, you might just meet the girl of your dreams tomorrow

    Don't be too sentimental and connected, don't be a doormat in this relationship.

    Good Luck and Hope all goes well!!

  3. You know its funny because I used to tell all my buddies what your telling me, but once your in their position I totally see it differently. Maybe because of the emotional attachment involved.

    Rationally your plan works to perfection. But as of now, I'm the type of person who wants to see things out and I know the pros and cons of my decision making. Honestly, I know if I stick around there is a BIG chance that I could be burned and I guess its a chance I'm willing to take.

    So with that said if there is any advice that anybody could give me that pertains to trying to make this work I would appreciate that.

    Nonetheless thanks for the feedback I totally understand what your saying and appreciate dude.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Medicine Hat, Alberta

    No. As of now, you're the type of person who asks for advice and doesn't take it. Then asks for validation.

    Stop it.

    Precious is on the mark, here. If *she* is not sure she wants to be with you then, *YOU* break it off. Get out there and keep improving yourself. At some point, she may realize that she wants you back. At that point, you may not even want her anymore.

  5. #5

    They aren't just telling you to cut her out of your life because she is a toxic wench and obviously is not sure she wants you, what they are saying you should do may ultimate lead her to decide she wants you back.

    If you stay around trying to weigh the pros and cons and chasing after her, she's just going to run away because a) she seems to have feelings for other dudes (her ex may be one of them, barf) and b) it will make her feel better about herself to have multiple guys chasing her.

    Just ignore her for a long time, go pursue other girls and other ventures in life, work on your own happiness. One day she may decide that she misses your attention above all else, and will return. Or, in the other case, she's not into you, and even in this regard you've saved yourself a bunch of time.

    If you keep feeding her bits of attention with a call here and/or a date there, she won't realize what she's missing.

    I feel for your situation because I've been in it before and dealt with it the chump way (kind of how you're thinking about dealing with it), but the counterintuitive notion (as derived from pick up) that the best way to deal with someone like her, scarcity, actually works.

  6. #6

    I'm in the same situation man. I like the girl but she doesn't want a relationship. These guys know what they're talking about. Find a hobby, work out, keep busy-improve yourself and distance yourself from her. Otherwise you're going to brood about it and make stupid decisions that will ruin any chance you have with her. By now you should have shown her your value, now she has to show hers. Good luck.

  7. I think the general rule is:

    If a girl tells you "she doesn't know what she wants".

    Then she knows one thing: She doesn't want you.

  8. Seriously... you shouldnt be waiting around
    As an alpha male your time is too good to waste and there is a million other chicks out there wanting you... right?
    She is not so special to have u waiting around for her, have respect for yourself man!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Toronto, ON. Canada

    I'm in the same situation dude. I've been dating this girl for 3 months and she doesn't like labels either. To keep a long story short, I did some things to make her question my intentions with her and it made her distance herself emotionally. When I confronted her about it, we cleared up why she was feeling the way she was feeling and why I did the things I did (make her chase me and ultimately commit to me). After that I gave her a couple of options that would make me equally as happy 1) go back to being casual with no labels or 2) commit into an exclusive relationship. She wasn't "sure what she wanted" so then I suggested the best thing for both of us is some time off.

    It's been 2 weeks since we've made contact with each other. What I've been doing in this time is studying for a designation that will land me a promotion in my job next month should I pass the exam. I've been going out with my friends when I get the chance but all in all I've been keeping my mind preoccupied with other things. My goal for the upcoming weeks is to meet some more chicks. At no point in time do I plan on reaching out to this girl because she has to come to the decision that she wants to be with me herself. Once that happens, we can have a healthy relationship. Anything I do will only make her feel good about herself and find it easier to dispose of me permanently.

    I thought this girl was the one dude. She is amazing. I'm sure you feel the same about your girl. But do yourself a favor, as hard as it may be, and refrain from trying to make it work again. Go out, improve yourself like everyone suggested and enjoy life. Don't pin your value and state of happiness on her validation. You have more value than that. She'll see it eventually. If she doesn't, another beautiful girl will.

    Good luck buddy.

  10. Fellas, Greatly appreciate the insight. First off, I know well enough to understand that I can not force anything upon her. Besides talking to her a week after we broke up, I haven't initiated contact at all. I understand that the best way to to go about this is actually move on with my life and doing things for myself. I understand that being clingy and needy is a major turn off so I do my best to keep my self together and avoid giving her any real attention. (The thing is we are in the same social circle so it is very difficult to avoid her fully but i try my best).

    Anyways, my biggest deal here is that when I talked to her and told her to tell me to move on, she decides that she would be lying to me if she told me that because she doesn't know if she wants to move on. Would she really just tell me this to STRING ME ALONG??? Or does she legitimately not KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS???

    Maybe I am trying to get validation I don't know. Regardless I'm moving on.

    Thanks for all the help, I appreciate it.

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