Thread: How to shift balance of power in LTR

Hi Guys, I'll try to keep this short as poss but it's a fairly long story.

I've been in an LTR with a girl for about 7 years now and she seems to be steadily pulling away while I get more needy and AFC like.

Shortly after we got together I had to move away to take a new job, It wasn't possible for her to move to join me so we had a LDR for about 4/5 years. We spoke every night on the phone and I traveled back home every weekend to see her. The LDR wasn't intended to go on for that long but I wanted to complete the project I was working on and I loved my job.

She used to ask me all the time when I would move back home (which was the plan) but I always refused to set a date or talk about it. (D'oh!)

Ultimately it came to a point where I found out she was cheating on me with a guy from her work. We broke up and I was devastated. As hurt as I was about her cheating I wanted her back so much and emailed her telling her how much I loved her, etc. She told me how hurt and rejected she'd felt by my being away for so long. Eventually we started seeing each other fairly casually, I wanted more and pressed for it but she was luke warm. Eventually it came to a head and I found out she had still been seeing the other guy and so told her I had cheated on her too. She was heartbroken, after being distant for so long suddenly she wanted me back desperately, she started calling me all the time, acting clingy, telling me she loved me and wanted to try again properly.

I found a job near my home town and moved back home, we lived together for a year or so. She became more distant after I came back and we broke up a couple of times, both initiated by her, both times we broke off contact for a couple of weeks then met up and she told me she was so sorry, she'd made a big mistake, she loved me, etc. The last one was a few months ago, and despite her saying all that, she doesn't seem keen to spend much time with me, I didn't move back in and she seems happy with that situation.

We see each other a few days a week, rarely talk on the phone, and it's usually initiated by me. Basically the more she withdraws, the more clingy I find myself becoming. I would love to see her more but she says she's busy and stuff. I try to act unfussed but always end up getting upset and saying something needy that shows her she's in control.

Whenever she feels that she is at risk of losing me (after the times we broke up) she texts me all the time and shows a lot of interest. Once things go back to normal she becomes distant.

I think the way I have reacted to these breakups has shown her that she has the power in the relationship and I will tolerate any of her behavior. Is there anything short of breaking up with her I can do to regain control in the relationship??

At this point she knows she has you by the balls. She cheated on you once and broke up with you how many times? And each time you went back to her?

Even if you create some distance now and that draws her closer, it will only be temprorary. I know it's hard to hear this man, but it's over. Show her (and yourself) that you have self respect and end it.

I can't imagine drastically altering the dynamic of a relationship after seven years either mate. Sorry, drop the hammer and get it over with.

Originally Posted by Neerdowell

Hi Guys, I'll try to keep this short as poss but it's a fairly long story.

I've been in an LTR with a girl for about 7 years now and she seems to be steadily pulling away while I get more needy and AFC like.

Shortly after we got together I had to move away to take a new job, It wasn't possible for her to move to join me so we had a LDR for about 4/5 years. We spoke every night on the phone and I traveled back home every weekend to see her. The LDR wasn't intended to go on for that long but I wanted to complete the project I was working on and I loved my job.

She used to ask me all the time when I would move back home (which was the plan) but I always refused to set a date or talk about it. (D'oh!)

Ultimately it came to a point where I found out she was cheating on me with a guy from her work. We broke up and I was devastated. As hurt as I was about her cheating I wanted her back so much and emailed her telling her how much I loved her, etc. She told me how hurt and rejected she'd felt by my being away for so long. Eventually we started seeing each other fairly casually, I wanted more and pressed for it but she was luke warm. Eventually it came to a head and I found out she had still been seeing the other guy and so told her I had cheated on her too. She was heartbroken, after being distant for so long suddenly she wanted me back desperately, she started calling me all the time, acting clingy, telling me she loved me and wanted to try again properly.

I found a job near my home town and moved back home, we lived together for a year or so. She became more distant after I came back and we broke up a couple of times, both initiated by her, both times we broke off contact for a couple of weeks then met up and she told me she was so sorry, she'd made a big mistake, she loved me, etc. The last one was a few months ago, and despite her saying all that, she doesn't seem keen to spend much time with me, I didn't move back in and she seems happy with that situation.

We see each other a few days a week, rarely talk on the phone, and it's usually initiated by me. Basically the more she withdraws, the more clingy I find myself becoming. I would love to see her more but she says she's busy and stuff. I try to act unfussed but always end up getting upset and saying something needy that shows her she's in control.

Whenever she feels that she is at risk of losing me (after the times we broke up) she texts me all the time and shows a lot of interest. Once things go back to normal she becomes distant.

I think the way I have reacted to these breakups has shown her that she has the power in the relationship and I will tolerate any of her behavior. Is there anything short of breaking up with her I can do to regain control in the relationship??

Dude, just get it over with and play hard to get
Let her know that you have started seeing someone and just do start seeing other women!

Its time to flip the script!!!!

Get back on your grind and have more in your life going for you than her. Apparently, it seems like she's become your number one priority. This should never happen.

Find your purpose, pursue it with an unrelenting passion, and she'll be right behind you. And if not her, then you'll be having more women flocking around you wanting to live in your adventure with you that'll be more fitting for you. Ultimately, if you so choose, you can even get a higher quality woman than her if you wanted to... but for this instance, be of higher value by setting other priorities above her, and watch her give you those puppy dog eyes that you might've gotten from before.


Good luck mane.

Ohh my god, check out this thread I wrote a few weeks ago... it's almost the exact thing you're talking about!!!

Maintaining the power of "Dumping"

Seven freakin' years? Game over.

Dude, it's over. Done. Fin.

Move on and move up. The next phase of your life looms.

Basically you need to get over her.....and stay over her. And if she wants to get some of what you have, and you have time to give it, then give it.

But she should never be any kind of priority to you anymore. You know what she is, INSANELY LOW SELF-ESTEEM with almost no positive personality traits......and I mean NONE, don't justify the "nice" or "sweet" facade you get every now and then, she has shown her true colors.

Fuck her if you like, but she is worth no more than that....and she'll keep coming back for more of what you refuse to give, as long as you refuse to give it.

Sorry the rules continue into LTR's for LSE chicks like this, they don't turn into "normal" people who respect and appreciate. Once again sorry, reality can blow at times....

But hey it can also teach us lessons if we choose to listen: you are in love with the thought of this girl, not who she actually is, but some person you believe her to be which is not truly her; therefore the person you love is "dead" per se, they are no longer here, mourn for a couple days, light a candle , and go out and use the skills you have learned here to actually be happy.

Thanks for the great replies guys, much appreciated.

You're quite right, I have been prioritising her above all else lately.

It's interesting how powerful scarcity/withdrawal can be. When I lived away I prioritised my job and friends above her, I knew I could get away with it and that she would have little choice but to accept it.

Once she made herself scarce and withdrew I found myself thinking about her all the time. It's a difficult emotion to control, even knowing the reason why doesn't seem to reduce it much.

It's strange to think that so much of attraction might just be a reaction to scarcity/fear of loss. It seems once we have someone in a position where they're easily available the attraction fades. Anyone else think that's a little sad?

Anyway, I'm taking the first steps towards being less dependent on her. I just moved to the city where I work last week with the intention of meeting new people and having fun.