Thread: How to: Apologize

Hi!

Very simple and effective way to apologize, field tested bla bla bla it works, and no, it's not any manipulative shit.

Realize that apologizing is NOT about right/wrong.

It's about something that happened, that made the other person feel a certain way that is not very fun.

So what? You shouldn't say 'I'm sorry, I'm so wrong'?

NOPE!

You had a meeting planned with your GF, it was really important to her that you come on time, but you fucked up, and you show up 20 min late and she is PISSED!

Don't say 'I'm so sorry, im so wrong bla bla bla, and reinforce in her mind the idea that you did something stupid.

INSTEAD!

Start off by acknoledging the way she feels.

'I feel terrible, you must be so mad at me.'

This will show her (or any other person you want to apologize to in your life) that you understand that your behavior has made your partner upset and that you are trying to put yourself in their shoes and understand how they are feeling and why they are upset at that very moment. DO NOT SAY 'I KNOW YOU ARE MAD AT ME', because in reality, you don't know, and you might be imposing a mood on her, feeling like youre telling her how she should feel. WHICH WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE.

Often times, saying this simple sentence that I put up there will result in the other person saying that yes they are upset but not as much as you would think. A 'I'm not mad, I'm just kind of upset because i was counting on you blah blah blah' type of answer.

So in one sentence, you let your partner know that you are aware that you have done something they dont like. You are trying to understand how they are feeling in response to what you did. And you also get her to open up to the situation and let her express herself, rather then trying to fight over who is right and who is wrong. Which will result in settling the conflict wayyyyyyy much easilly.

Once this is done, you are not finished.

Apologize properly, and tell her that you didn't mean what you did, and that you will not do it again. Even if it's your second offense, it's important that you let your partner know that you do not want to repeat this behavior because you are now aware of how it made the other person feel.

If things are REALLY heated and you feel like it can easily get out of control, offer some time apart to think things out and resume the talk later.

If things are still bad, I don't know what you did but GL bro cause this'll be a hard one!

Enjoy! And don't just use this with your GF, it works very well with women in general, and men too!

SS

Great post.

I would take this a step further

Acknowledging her emotions is good
You can take it further with "OMg i'm such an idiot you are waiting here and I am late and I know I told you I would be here,.." etc etc

You basically acknowledge ANY POSSIBLE NEGATIVE EMOTION she might have..

She then can't give you those negative reactions, cos you already did them for her

Originally Posted by jech

I would take this a step further

Acknowledging her emotions is good
You can take it further with "OMg i'm such an idiot you are waiting here and I am late and I know I told you I would be here,.." etc etc

You basically acknowledge ANY POSSIBLE NEGATIVE EMOTION she might have..

She then can't give you those negative reactions, cos you already did them for her

Well personally, I agree and I don't at the same time. I agree with the bottom part, but I feel like the top part is off.

I just think that your idea is right but not the example, because if you would say something like "OMg i'm such an idiot you are waiting here and I am late and I know I told you I would be here,.." is like hiding in a foxhole made by an enemy mortar. Like you would put yourself up as a free target for her to bitch on and blame you more, just like she would most probably if you just keep saying I'm sorry over and over again.

You basically acknowledge ANY POSSIBLE NEGATIVE EMOTION she might have..

She then can't give you those negative reactions, cos you already did them for her

I agree with. And the sooner someone realizes that Apologizing is just so much more then saying sorry.

But like they said in the closing ceremonies. Us Canadians apologize way too much lol!

Great post SharpSh00t3r, really easy to grasp your message

I would like to know how would you apologise under the following circumstances:

Your gfs parents were about to get divorced
You have a good relationship with her parents, her dad has given you some work whilst you are setting up your career

You were aware your gf's dad was trying to stop the divorce.
He ruminated the idea that her mom was insane (when she isn't) to get her institutionalised to stop the divorce.

He told you this in confidence.

You were in two minds about telling your gf, not sure if her dad is airing his ideas or actually serious! Because it sounds ridiculous!
You don't want to cause unecessary upset as she has a lot to deal with already.

Two days later you are absolutely worn out from work and your gf says she found out from her mom what was happening.
Without thinking you tell her that you heard her dad mentioning he might do this.

Your gf was extremely pissed because you were loyal to her dad instead of her...



Honestly I feel terrible for this and have learned from my mistake never to do this again.

At the time- you didn't want to upset your gf as you thought her dad was just voicing his ideas (he volunteered his thoughts to you on a daily basis, you tried to show compassion and support by listening)

I feel so good for writing this down. You must be thinking WTF! but I really could use your advice
Much appreciated

Well, I would personally tell her exactly what you told us, stressing that you felt confused and did not want to cause her more stress with everything that's been happening.

Expect her to be mad, apologize, and wait it out by being understanding. Do not overly apologize. Me personally it's once, and if needed a second or a third time to really emphasis on it if i was really wrong (like i rolled over her cat or something). But if you apologized twice and she is still mad and all, apologizing again will not change anything.

Good luck! And be patient!

Originally Posted by SharpSh00t3r

Well, I would personally tell her exactly what you told us, stressing that you felt confused and did not want to cause her more stress with everything that's been happening.

Expect her to be mad, apologize, and wait it out by being understanding. Do not overly apologize. Me personally it's once, and if needed a second or a third time to really emphasis on it if i was really wrong (like i rolled over her cat or something). But if you apologized twice and she is still mad and all, apologizing again will not change anything.

Good luck! And be patient!

I agree with this advice and I think its the best you can do.

At the same time, I think it's understandable that she is upset. Your loyalty to her should be greater than your loyalty to her Dad.

The fact that it happens also crosses important boundaries . Frankly, I think it's weird to have this chat with her Dad. (If it was Dad's feelings about a random third person or his work, it could be fine, but about your GF's mother, it's an inappropriate position for you.) On top of that, divorce is heart wrenching for the kids, so it's not like Dad was telling you his views on Mom's politics or something harmless. Plus, divorced parents ofteb put kids in the position of choosing sides, which can have long term implications, and you may have just aligned yourself with Dad over Mom.

If you feel comfortable telling us more, please let us know how this goes!

Thanks guys she thought she could move on but now she feels it is impossible. I am trying to survive by releasing my worries.
I am thinking of the future as right now I can only rely on myself.

Don't know if it is the right time to apologise to her as she recently broke it off with me, but then again when is the right time?

She has not got over me breaking up with her amongst other terrible situations things that have happened to us. However she does understand that it was a difficult situation for me to be in.
I hope that she can forgive and move on. Her words say otherwise right now.

Gah, this is toughening me up beyond imagination. Got to keep faith