Thread: Help Understanding My Relationship - Inner Game

So I've been dating this girl for 3 months .. I asked her to "be my girl" about 5 weeks ago ..

I like her a lot .. We've had a few bumps in the road .. (Although we hooked up a lot & I got her off almost every time, I wanted a while before sex because I was coming out of a 5 year relationship and really wanted to know her & feel totally comfortable with her before being intimate. Sounds gay, but once I explained to her why I waited, she said how she couldn't believe what a great guy I was, yada yada..)

At first I was a little "distant" - she called me out on it .. I have a tendency of doing that with girls, especially after my previous breakup - not wanting to get too close to them ..

We see eachother a lot and have fun, good chemistry .. Then I sensed a little emotional distance from her .. It could have been just in my head, but I sensed it.

Last week, I had a little "talk" with her and really put my foot in my mouth. Basically, I told her I want to know more about her. She was surprised like "What, you dont know me?!" and I said I do, I just want to know more. I want to feel closer to her and I want a little more depth to our relationship - more than just me being charming and us talking about our days & future plans. I haven't said "I love you" yet and I just know she's been waiting for it. I didn't tell her this - but in my head, I'm thinking - "I like this girl a lot, I WANT to love her, but I just need more - more of a connection, something" .. I tried explaining this feeling without using the word love. We agreed that us getting/feeling closer just comes with time.

Now I think I'm sensing a little distance again. Nothing major, and I'm able to warm her up after we're hanging out for a bit, but it's there - and it's throwing my game off a bit. I'm the kinda person that needs zero bullshit in a relationship - I can't handle it .. I'm very into communication - probably too much.

I also find the more time I spend with her, the more needy and boring I get (around her).

I did this with my last girlfriend (pushed her away, made distance) and I don't want to fuck this up.

I know I've got plenty to offer, I'm a catch. Wonderful. But now that I'm emotionally invested, I see a weaker side coming out.

What are some things to keep in mind (inner game ) in a relationship?

Sounds like your smothering her. She just got out of a long relationship. As hard as it is to hear she may not be ready to start a relationship just yet. Give her space and dont act needy. The harder you pull the more she will let go.

duuuuuuude. You have already made some critical mistakes. First you asked her to be your girlfriend a month and a half into dating? lol You don't do that, you just let it happen. The girl usually brings it up when she's ready.

You are three months in and you already had a talk? Why are you trying to force her to be more open so early? This is definitely pushing her away. It's almost creepy.

She's been waiting for you to say "I love you?" Dude, for the love of god don't say it anytime soon. How about this? Don't bother to say it before she does. There's really no need. Believe me. And I really really doubt she's waiting for you to say "I love you".

So you feel like she's becoming a little distant? You are right, she's probably looking for a way to escape the emotional prison you are building around her.
You want to know why? Because you are acting like a needy insecure wussbag. I'm sorry to break it to you dude, but if you want to keep this girl around you better start backing off with all this seriousness. You are 3months in. Nothing should be "serious" at this point.


You just got out of a five year relationship? You never dropped your AFC behavior and never fixed your inner game . This one is a goner. I'm sure of it unless you back off. Don't see her or talk to her for a week. Give her some emotional space and stop smothering her with your neediness and insecurity.

I may sound like a complete asshole but in all seriousness I'm trying to help you from effing this one up if you care enough to want to stay with her for a little while longer.

I don't think you need a week long freezeout here, but you certainly need to reframe yourself. Quick. You're creeping her out.

You fix your inner game by REALIZING and BELIEVING the things you said about yourself are true. If they are, then act like it. Its really no harder than that.

Wow .. I really did not expect such a backlash over this.

First, we dated 2 months before I asked her to be my girl - not a few weeks. After 2 months, I knew I liked her a lot and I knew I wanted to be exclusive with her. That's such a fatal mistake??

she's probably looking for a way to escape the emotional prison you are building around her.

TRUST ME - that is WAY overdoing it. I am not a fucken pussy and I don't act like it. I really feel that she likes me a lot and is in to me. In all seriousness - I do not feel like I am smothering her.

She said to me at the beginning, "I just want you to know, I am very needy" ... We talk daily - but she calls me more than I call her. Shortly after we had the talk about being exclusive I had a really busy week and did not see her all week (saw her Sunday then again the following Saturday) ... She told me she was very unhappy with this and she was asking me, "Are you sure you really want this?" and we only live 15 minutes away - she needs more out of me. She is NEEDY.

I admit - I have made some bad mistakes already.

That talk we had last week was bad. I know you learn more by just spending time together. I was in a bad place, had been going through some depression (I feel better now but do suffer from depression), and I fucked up.

Also, we talk way too much and it takes away from our in-person talks. I'm not gonna say we have nothing to talk about - but overall, I'm going to pull back.

You guys really make it sound a lot worse than it is.

ok, well how hot is she? does she get hit on daily? does she have a ton of orbiters? that will clear some things up.

To be fair, it seems like the tone in your opening post made it sound that way.

Originally Posted by TheCollective

ok, well how hot is she? does she get hit on daily? does she have a ton of orbiters? that will clear some things up.

She's hot. I'd give her an 8. Hot girls get hit on .. Oh yeah, did I mention, she bartends.

Honestly I'm feeling like shit about this whole situation now. I'm starting to think back about all the little things I've done, this one may be lost. It may work, but it may just wind up being a learning experience.

I got my heart broken real bad last year .. I'm over the ex, but deep down, not over the pain. It's affected this relationship and that just fucking sucks. This time around, I think I've said and donoe enough stupid things to neutralize what she said she liked about me so much. It hurts man, I see it in her eyes sometimes, she's losing interest.

I really gotta work on me and learn how to avoid the same bad patterns next time around

Yeah, how about this instead. You don't need to pullback or make "space" so much as just talk less often! Get a little bit busier, thats it! I don't think you made any major mistakes, and asking someone to be your girlfriend after 2 months is fine, no matter what anyone says.

Sounds like this is going ok, but wait out on saying "I love you"... and seriously if you don't feel it don't say it.

A little less talking will have an effect on your physical meetings... you'll have more to talk about etc..

Originally Posted by GothamSlayer

She's hot. I'd give her an 8. Hot girls get hit on .. Oh yeah, did I mention, she bartends.

Honestly I'm feeling like shit about this whole situation now. I'm starting to think back about all the little things I've done, this one may be lost. It may work, but it may just wind up being a learning experience.

I got my heart broken real bad last year .. I'm over the ex, but deep down, not over the pain. It's affected this relationship and that just fucking sucks. This time around, I think I've said and donoe enough stupid things to neutralize what she said she liked about me so much. It hurts man, I see it in her eyes sometimes, she's losing interest.

I really gotta work on me and learn how to avoid the same bad patterns next time around

Ok well since she's a hired gun/bartender you have to treat her completely different than a normal HB. You actually have to be more distant and compliment them a lot less if at all since they hear the same shit everyday by every other drunk buffoon at work. She says she's needy but that's complete BS, take what says in a 3 month "relationship" with a grain of salt. She's needy probably in the aspect that she can't find a dude that can give her the challenge she craves. Dudes probably bend over backwards for her all the time.

Bartenders are constantly testing you for incongruity since they do it all night at work unconsciously. Their skills are honed to a perfection in picking up losers and AFCs. You have to literally be a jerk to them most of the time to win their affection and they can smell AFC type behavior from a mile away.

If you are incongruent just the least bit they will know and you will be out. They are high value and high maintenance. I've dated bartenders and my last ex was a bartender HB9. I've yet to keep a hired gun entertained for more than a year.

Sorry that you feel things aren't working out. You might still have a chance by backing completely off. If you chase she will continue to run so have her come to you. This isn't a LTR so don't worry about the sticky about freezing LTRs out. People always want stuff they can't have so don't let her have you. You've got to have an abundance mindset to deal with her. Be the dude she was attracted to and stay that dude. Put the insecurities away you have nothing to lose.