Discuss VERY confusing mixed messages in 2 year relationship..(came out MUCH too long sorry) at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; VERY confusing mixed messages in 2 year relationship..(came out MUCH too long sorry)
She keeps ...
VERY confusing mixed messages in 2 year relationship..(came out MUCH too long sorry)
She keeps sending me cards but won't even talk to me. Seems like she wants to leave but then these cards keep showing up in my mailbox.
I've been with her for about 2 years 3 months. At one point we were even living together, but I'm in the process of setting up a business and really dedicated to it, and right now I'm in a shared living space untill I open my coffee shop.
Technically she could be with me here even now, but she says no it's her right to not live in these conditions. Her choice. Cool.
She lives with her parents out in the middle of nowhere, where transportation doesn't even go. It's a huge hassle to get out there, since like most New Yorkers I don't have a car.
When she was coming here, she could stay as long as she liked, we had fun, went out on the town, and we had privacy even though right now theres a shared bathroom and kitchen till I open.
In contrast, when I go out there, it sucks. The trip is a hassle, but once I get there I found she acts funny. Disregarding, leaves me sitting alone on the couch, we can't have sex or even really be alone, and sometimes she tested me with disrespect which I checked her on and she appologized. I accept her appology but all in all i just don't like going out there, so i stopped.
On the phone, she has become staler and staler. Calls me several times a day, but doesn't say much or respond to anything. She's just lifeless to where I would dread calling, hoping she doesn't even answer. I started calling less.
Finally, it all blew up. She started complaining that i don't call her and never go see her. I told her why, and she says its all BS. That I havn't even been out there enough for her to have acted any kind of way, and that it's sad that I'm blaming her for my own behavior.
Whenever I put why I call less or don't want to go out there into context, she says I'm just blaming her for everything. And that it's just a cycle, and that even though now I am trying to go see her more and call more, that she's sure it will go back to how it was.
So what do you want? Do you want to leave? I ask her. Then she gets mad and says I'm not fighting for this I imediately ask if she wants to leave, like I want to get out of the relationship but I just want it to be her to end it. But what else is there when she refuses my attempt to respond to her complaint and says she's sure it will happen again in the future.
Then she keeps abruptly getting off the phone, even when she's the one who called. Then she called crying to where she can't even speak, and saying that she's scared I'm going to change my number AGAIN.
I once changed my number on her about a year ago after telling her I was leaving, which lead to her calling my mom at work crying and writing a real heart breaking letter and we got back together.
Things were good for a while besides not seeing eachother that much, and she was even about to take me on a trip to Jamaica. Then they started to decay.
I don't feel like going through all that right now. I need to focus on setting up this business. i can't be stressed over who called who whatever. If she wants to come here fine I'll make time for her, but killing myself to go out there and sit on teh couch just sucks.
But her sad eyes or voice when she cries does get to me. I genuinely care about her. And we have been together for a long time. Longest relationship I've ever been in. We have been through a false alarm pregnancy as well as her finding her dad after being abaondoned by him for 20 years and a lot of other stuff.
But now she doesn't want to talk. Doesn't want to leave when I ask her if she wants to. Stopped texting to calling so I did too. And then these cards keep showing up in my mailbox like nothing is happening. Nothing deep, just cute goofy cards like we just started dating.
I texted her thanking her for them and said call me when you want to talk.
She lives with her parents and daghter
She says I don't care about her regardless of what I say, and that I'm preoccupied with my business. That I don't HAVE to open a coffee shop and could have just got any job meanwhile and we could have been together all this time, but that she supports what I want, but now she feels like I don't care.
I said I could have been going to see her more and calling more and I'm willing to do so if she's willing to move forward and let go of being lifeless and miserable, but she says I should have been doing this all along and she feels like I dont really care.
She doesn't want to leave when I ask her if she does.
And she keeps sending these cards even though she won't even talk now.
In a way, I understand her being upset at you. You're ignoring her for your business, refuse to go and visit her at her parents' place where she happens to live. You're being selfish. I know you say you care about her, but they're just words. Words are meaningless if they're not backed up by actions. You want her to come to you, her to support your business, when at the same time you're saying that going to visit her is a "hassle". Sure, maybe it is a hassle, but relationships are give-take, you can't expect her be forcing it to work when you're not willing to make an effort yourself.
It sounds like this relationship is already over.
It's not a hassle just because it's a long trip.
It's a hassle because once I get there, i don't like how she has behaved. She doesn't have to bake a cake or anything, but don't just leave me sitting there or talk down to me.
Also, I'm not ignoring her, but if when I call you don't talk and when I visit you don't act right, why should I keep doing it>
If she came up here I would make time for her and take her out, as I always have. I put in a lot of effort when she comes here.
Originally Posted by sampanye
AND once she told me her complaints, I was responsive. I said yes I could have been there more and I was trying to go see her and call more. BUT she isnt accepting that and ready to move forward, NEITHER does she want to leave, so what does she want?
Now she isnt talking to me, but keeps sending cute cards.
Don't stay together just out of convenience or habit. If neither of you are happy in this relationship, don't string things out just because she doesn't want to leave you.
If she's not talking to you, that's not a good sign that she wants to work things out. I'm honestly not sure what the cards mean, but I can see why you're confused.
Here's the crucial question: What do YOU want? Do you actually still want to be with her? Start by working out what it is you want, then decide what to do from there.
I agree you must figure out what you want first and foremost.
I disagree that you aren't making enough effort....sounds like you are dealing with a bit of a drama queen, and whether you are aware of it or not, I believe you do not really have a strong or remotely dominant frame with her.....Sure you are taking care of your business, literally and figuratively, but you seem to be almost apologetic for your decisions.
If you cannot advance all aspects of your life and have a supportive women appreciative and respectful of that then you have a problem....and it's not totally within yourself.
I really think you need to not put up with any of this girls "crap, as it were, and rather let her know that you are doing these things for both of you and it is what you want.
If you love her to death and can not work this situation out this way then maybe you should drop everything important in your life just because she wants you too and do everything she wants/asks you to do.......sounds absurd when I say it like that, huh?
I'd really like to know how old this girl is as well, and is it possible she's pregnant? Is she very low self-esteem, very dependent/needy?
Once again I would like to state that I completely disagree that you are being inconsiderate in any way towards her. Sounds like you have your priorities straight and it's possible that you are stringing something along that could get very bad.
My all encompassing advice:
Keep fighting the good fight, stick to your guns, let her know how you feel about her and the situation, and don't apologize for either of those things. If this girl loves you and things are meant to go right between you then they will.....but always be your own man, even if things go the way you don't want them to......
Be the Alpha! Be the Prize!
Carpe Diem! No Regrets!
Well, to me honestly it sounds like she's just unhappy with her life. I can't imagine she has a big social circle out in the middle of nowhere or even friends to hang out with. Does she have a job there? Or is she a stay-at-home mom? If it's the latter, I can see why she's miserable...no job + no social circle + middle-of-nowhere = .
When people are unhappy on the inside, they generally do a shit-poor job of supporting others or being able to emphasize with their success. This would explain the lack of talking too. She may not have much to talk about if nothing is going on in her life, and your success with starting the business, or even your sense of purpose, may make her more depressed about her own life. Thus, she starts arguments to bring down your state, complains, etc.
If she's in a generally miserable state, your visits alone can't really alter that. She's still in her reality, even with you there, and it sounds like reality sucks. The cards just means she's still attached to you...or at least to the fantasy of having you as her boyfriend. I doubt she will leave you...if she does, she'll have even less good in her life.
So my general feeling is that she's just very unhappy where she's at and thus can't really love or support you in the way you need, but is only capable of bringing down your state to match hers.
Frankly, I don't know the best solution to this. Definitely don't lose focus of your own needs over this. If you feel like breaking up, do so. If you don't, try to explain the situation to her and see if she can come up with some solution to get herself out of that rut.
Yes, you're right about all of that. She has a job just on the weekends. Besides that, most of her days are pretty inane.
She could just live here with me though, since she was here before in these same conditions. Her daughter is going to her father for the year anyway, so it's her choice to be there.
But you're right how she drags me down and doesn't have it in her to be anything but a wet blanket right now. I could be having a great day and then O hve to call her, like it's a chore, hoping she doesn't answer, because once she's on the phone she has nothing to say at all.
I think you're missing the big picture of why you're in a relationship in the first place. You get into a relationship because you're happy with the person, have a great time together and see a future together. It seems you two have had a rocky road before which is not a good sign and neither of you are happy now. She isn't ambitious like you and is trying to discourage your business plans. I don't know about you but if a girl tried to discourage an ambitious goal of mine I'm working extremely hard on achieving I'd be furious.
There are two sides to every story but so far I would say the problem lies with her. She seems incapable of being happy at the moment and people like that tend to try to bring everyone else down to their level. She's playing games by sending cards but refusing to talk which shows immaturity.
You're not happy and you want to change that so I'd suggest breaking up. It's kind of long distance and your main priority is your business so cut her out and focus on it. You'll lose money chasing girls but you won't lose girls chasing money. Make yourself more successful and you'll have an easier time meeting a girl who supports you and makes you happy.
Focus on your business, it's more important than your rocky relationship with your girlfriend.
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