Thread: The Willingness to Walkaway

Hey guys. I've seen a lot of posts recently where guys have been having problems with their girlfriends and have been running into difficulties on how to handle it. I had to do this recently and thought maybe it could be useful to other guys who are maybe in a similar situation. I wouldn't necessarily call it a "technique" but it's definitely a useful tool that shouldn't be undermined.

My girlfriend and I got into a heated altercation a couple of weeks ago because while we were at the bar I was talking to a HB10, which she took as flirting and me hitting on the girl which was completely a fabrication in her head, because I am very much in love with my girlfriend. I was just talking to a new friend.

This caused my girlfriend to become distant and she started to think she wasn't good enough (comparing herself to this girl) and her attitude over the next couple days turned to complete shit. Her self-esteem started to shrink and no matter how much I complimented her or told her how great she looked, she would not acknowledge what I said and continued her slide down this slippery slope of self-loathe.

This attitude started to become unbearable. Finally I tried to talk to her about it and I told her I knew she was frustrated and stressed about certain things that were going on in her life and I tried to assure her that everything would be ok, and she would start feeling better about herself- she just needed to stay positive and take it one day at the time, in which she responded: "You're dumb, this conversation is over".

I didn't get mad, or throw a temper-tantrum. I didn't re-engage her on the topic. I had said my piece and she had taken what I said and gave it no thought and shat on it. So what was my response?

The next day, she left for work and I packed all of my things and went to stay with my friend. She text me through out the day and I didn't respond. She called me on her way home and I didn't answer. Once she got home she text me again and called me 13 times to which I didn't respond to the text or answer her phone call. She text me and said she wanted "the key back to the apartment" and I didn't respond.

I waited an hour or so and collected my thoughts and let her get over the initial culture shock of me not being there with her and I called her back so we could have a civil conversation. Then once we were on the phone I had her complete 100% attention. I didn't raise my voice, or try to make her feel bad. In a calm voice I just told her that she could not have the attitude she's had around me anymore.

I told her that I love her and care about her and most of all I want her to be happy but not at the expense of making me feel bad about it and making me feel like an emotional pinata. She asked me why I didn't just call her to talk about it today and I explained to her that she wouldn't have grasped how serious I was. Verbally what was I going to say that I hadn't already said? At this point words were useless... she needed to actually see and feel what the consequences of her actions were.

You act like this = You don't have me in your life.

I made sure she understood that I would much rather be with her and not have to do something like this to get her attention and get her to snap out of her funk, but it was necessary because I want to be with her and I want us to be happy.

Your main goal overall is to get her to open up and drop her guard. If she tells you she has a problem with something that's happen with you guys in the past then tell her that the "past is the past" and you want to move foward with her and you guys need to both give it 100%. You're not asking her to forget but you're asking her to look at what's in front of her instead of dwelling on what can't be changed.

If she has a problem with something you've been doing lately and you feel like it's legitimate then tell her that you agree with her and she is completely right and you promise to give 100% to changing that if she will give you 100% to communicating with you and not letting herself get to this point again.

Prepare for short quips as well. As my conversation went on, she would bring up the bar incident and say stuff like "why do you care? you just want to talk to other girls at the bar anyway". When things of this nature is brought up, just ignore it and plow through with what you're thoughts are. Chances are you guys have had conversations about your problems before- now's not the time to rehash it. The goal of this conversation is to stay positive about you two and move forward!

If you use this tactic, expect your girlfriend to react rashly to it at first. She's going to call you 15 times and leave you voicemails telling you she hates you and text you saying you're a dick. She's going to put her status as single on facebook/myspace and her status update will say:

"GIRL" is wondering why all guys are dicks!

But that's the reaction you want because it's natural and shows that she still cares about you and wants you to want her. If she doesn't do all those things then you need to question her level of interest because no girl is going to let a guy she cares about walk out of her life that easily.

You also need to be willing to accept either outcome of the action. When I did this I will willing to walkaway from the situation completely. I love my girlfriend and do not want to be with any other girl but if changing her attitude meant being alone and jerking off to empflix and youporn for a couple of weeks then so be it.

If the interaction doesn't end the way you want it to then, back off and give her space. When I left I was ready to stay gone however long it took because I know ultimately she would rather have me in her life then be without me with her bad attitude. So if after the first conversations don't work out, give her space. Let her re-engage you. She will think about it and justify your actions if she really cares about you and admit she's wrong and you're right because the value of you in her life is all she cares about.

Hopefully some guys out there can use this to their advantage. This is a power move. If you do something like this you have to stay strong. When you talk to the girl again you have to let her know that you're not backing down from your stance but you're willing to work with her if she'll work with you as well. If you lose resolve and start calling and texting frantically if you don't get the response you want then you will either be done forever or lose complete control of the relationship.

Good luck!

Mate, that is the best advice I have read in a long time.
Love your work and your self respect.

Glad it all worked out with her as well.

This is a great post but I just have one question: was it really just a couple of days? Because moving out because she's been in a shit mood for just a couple of days seems really extreme.

I endorse this sort of dramatic response when she's done something that genuinely deserves it, but it seems an overreaction to her "sulking around" for "next the couple of days".

JMO, but
Conflict Management: Guys, STOP freezing out your LTRs

sampanye-

I would say it was been around 7 days. But it was showing no signs of improvement and her self-esteem was eroding by the day. If there had been any signs of improvement, if even gradually, I wouldn't have done it. I made many attempts to talk it out and compliment her to try and raise her self-esteem but it fell on deaf ears. There was even a point where I made her breakfast and she belittled it because I poached the eggs instead of scrambling them (when all the bowls were dirty... =\).

Vapor-

You shouldn't use a "freeze out" like this very often and ideally not at all but I think there is definitely a place for it. It's successful because by removing yourself physically from her life, she has to wrap her head around the idea that you might abandon her and it forces her to cope with why you would do that.

It wouldn't work if you simply stuck around physically and didn't interact with her. That is completely worthless and would only cause even more problems because she would only try to one-up you by ignoring you as well because in a relationship both parties assume that the other will put up with behavior of the other.

no matter how much I complimented her

Telling her every 5 mins she is sexy wont have as much effect as saying it once every few days when she puts on that sexy lingery before going to bed with you.

You shouldn't use a "freeze out" like this very often and ideally not at all but I think there is definitely a place for it. It's successful because by removing yourself physically from her life, she has to wrap her head around the idea that you might abandon her and it forces her to cope with why you would do that.

It also tells her that, if something ever goes wrong, and you don't agree with her or something, you are willing to abandon her. You are going out with her. So I'm guessing she is a women you value. What if she realizes her value and decides she'd rather be with someone that is willing to plow through the rougher times when the other doesnt feel as good as they used to. And then you come back home after your freeze out, and the locks have changed.

Originally Posted by SharpSh00t3r

It also tells her that, if something ever goes wrong, and you don't agree with her or something, you are willing to abandon her. You are going out with her. So I'm guessing she is a women you value. What if she realizes her value and decides she'd rather be with someone that is willing to plow through the rougher times when the other doesnt feel as good as they used to. And then you come back home after your freeze out, and the locks have changed.

This was what really struck me when I first read the post, but I didn't want to say too much because I realize Philippe has probably put a fair bit of effort into the post and I really appreciate that (especially compared to some of the nonsense that gets posted here!).

That being said, I want to be with a guy who can handle me at my worst (even if he doesn't like me that much that way). A guy who isn't going to run when I'm in a bad mood. What sort of precedent does it set? He can't stand me being in a bad mood - what happens when I'm devastated that someone I love has died? what about if I get knocked up? when we're in financial trouble? If I ever do actually screw up, he'll abandon me completely. He obviously can't handle the tough times, and I want a man who'll be with me through thick and thin.

As I said earlier, if she has completely crossed your boundaries and you feel it really is something worth walking over, then walk. But a week of shitty behaviour just doesn't justify packing up all your shit and leaving.

Phillipe-In general, I support what you did. I also went and read Vapor's referenced post about freezing out LTRs.

I would add a couple of thoughts. First, I would be a little leery of doing this unless it's in reaction to a very clear instance of her unacceptable behavior. If it's just because you're feeling things were getting tense, then it's a bit like kicking the dog who crapped on your rug hours ago while at work. The dog won't associate the punishment with the bad behavior.

Second, and partly in response to Vapor's referenced post, I would clarify that the "freezeout" should be reserved to discipline behavior that's absolutely unacceptable (consistent also with sampayne's belief). In other words, don't walk away as a tactic, but walk away when the behavior is something that you really think will cost the relationship. Walk away when it's real. Better that than gloss over something until there's more at stake.

Third, as a tactic, it can really work quite well. As long as you've established yourself as the "catch," women will chase worse than any AFC guy. I did this a couple months ago to the all time hottest girl I've ever been with. I was and remain serious...I did it as a breakup. After 6-8 weeks of silence, I finally texted her something I observed in passing, and she would have jumped right back in my bed.

Fourth, I think one of the downsides of the community and the perspective of "plenty" is that we may be too quick to pull the plug on behavior that could be compromised or amended. It's the flipside of sampayne's comment about "wanting to be with a guy who can handle me at my worst." The question back to sampayne and the group is, how quick to judgment should we guys be if we can more or less establish the next relationship in a matter of a couple weeks of work?

Sharpshooter-

At this point I think I'm beyond knowing how to compliment a girl.

sampayne-

That being said, I want to be with a guy who can handle me at my worst (even if he doesn't like me that much that way). A guy who isn't going to run when I'm in a bad mood. What sort of precedent does it set? He can't stand me being in a bad mood - what happens when I'm devastated that someone I love has died? what about if I get knocked up? when we're in financial trouble? If I ever do actually screw up, he'll abandon me completely. He obviously can't handle the tough times, and I want a man who'll be with me through thick and thin.

Even though you might say you want a guy who will handle you at "your worst", your worst might be totally different from someone elses.

And I am not her husband. I'm not obligated to sit around and listen to someone berate themselves and me as well. I would rather her know that I'm not going to accept that kind of behavior and wonder if I will leave later then "know I'll stick around no matter what". Because then the girl will think she can do whatever she wants and you'll accept it. Now she will associate that kind of behavior with loneliness and she will know the outcome if it happens again, which will prevent it from happening.

Just because you have a girlfriend doesn't mean you shouldn't have boundaries and be a walking mat.

Sharpshooter-

At this point I think I'm beyond knowing how to compliment a girl.

Theres always a better way to throw the football. The day you settle thinking you got it locked down is the day you start losing your skill.

Just because you have a girlfriend doesn't mean you shouldn't have boundaries and be a walking mat.

Not only do you have a girlfriend, but if i understand your situation correctly, you are living with her? If that's not a prelude to husband/wife then I'm not really sure what is.

I personally believe that you will never know if your relationship will last until you've seen eachother at your worst. Then you really know if your partner is here to stay (certain circumstances may change this though).

Her self-esteem started to shrink and no matter how much I complimented her or told her how great she looked, she would not acknowledge what I said and continued her slide down this slippery slope of self-loathe.

Stuff like this happens. It's common. How the other person handles it or to what degree it affects them varies. But I am ready to tell you that, in my opinion this situation you are in will happen again. And if it really makes you this unhappy, then you can find yourself a girl that will better suite your needs?