Discuss Cheating and bringing up the topic of cheating.... at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; I was cheated on by someone who was very jealous and possessive. She also had ...
I was cheated on by someone who was very jealous and possessive. She also had a history of being unreliable when it came to bills. To me, there's a connection. Or someone who's got an addictive personality that's always in need of more.
If I'm in a relationship and I find out I was cheated on, if it was a ONS, I could forgive it but it can never happen again. If she had an affair and this was over an amount of time, it's over.
Being the first to cheat to have bragging rights in case she does is huge insecurity on your part. You have no faith in your relationships. Why do you need to go to bed with that kind of guilt weighing on you?
She doesn't sound like a nymphomaniac but if she can't handle being alone for long, there is going to be a problem, but it's something she has to do for herself, not you.
She didn't have to admit cheating in the past. She's being honest, which should always be rewarded even if the truth is unpleasant. Punish her for telling the truth and she's just going to lie to keep the peace. Don't worry about her timeline about who she was with then. It's history. As far as the guy she saw when you were on a break with her, who cares how many times she screwed him? Why are you keeping count? I'd want to know if she didn't use protection, and regardless of what she tells me, I'm still going to get myself checked and expect her to do the same. If she doesn't, I'm using protection until she gets tested.
She sounds like she's growing more comfortable sexually with you. This feeling is new to her, that might be why she's unsure. If anything you should feel more confident that you have guaranteed her a great time next time. It's usually when women lose the spark that they go elsewhere looking for it.
I've cheated in the past. I've admitted it. And it's served its purpose when I've busted exes cheating on me because you can see it on someone a lot clearer and aren't in denial or as upset. In my case, I thought I'd always be able to keep someone happy, and I've learned that some people are impossible to maintain that level of keeping them happy and appreciate them when they're making you unhappy over other issues and they're not appreciating you.
But that comment "she thought everyone cheats because its impossible not to", you need to let her know it's unacceptable, there's nothing good that comes out of it, and if she's got an impulse to sleep with someone or you the same, you can talk to each other before it happens and decide whether or not it's ok. It's not cheating when it's known.
This is my point of view in the past about cheating (as if I was talking to an ex) and I still feel the same -
It's a sign you're insecure and not happy with the relationship.
You're putting my health at risk when you're going outside the relationship and not taking steps to protect yourself because you're used to not using protection with me (if you're not 100 percent sure she's going to be exclusive to you, just keep using protection)
I'm not going to be mad at you. I'm not going to kick the guy's ass unless it was my best friend. I've been in the other guy's shoes, he's probably as clueless as I am or wants to be your knight in shining armor after you told him the most negative stuff about me to justify being in his arms.. no drama from me, I'm just going to leave and let you think about it. I'm not going to sleep with another girl that night as payback either. That's what you want so we're "even".But if anything happens, so be it. And no, I won't tell you.
The other things in the relationship you depended on me for, you're going to have a rude awakening. I might still help because I think we can be friends, but you lost the right for me to share my thoughts with you.
Everything I said about your friends you're probably now going to tell them, to keep me distant from them, so you can play the sympathetic one and they can circle around you in your time of need.
I'll be considerate and not have you meet any potential girlfriends for a while, even though you're going to be with this guy you slept with... and I'm sure you'll cheat on him too and tell me about it in a drunk phone call at 2AM, but when I'm in a relationship again, she is going to be better inside and out. I never said to you I could do better than you, but always knew they're out there. A lot harder to find but they're there.
I'm hoping that this was someone who had more to offer than I did to make it worth the pain of going through the breakup, and I'll support it if it's someone I feel is right for you. If not, I will not say a thing and let you figure it out for yourself.
Sex isn't that important to me to throw away all the other aspects in a relationship that build over time. If it was just about sex, I think it can be repaired. If you gave your heart to someone, there is no relationship anymore.
but how and when should i bring up the topic, like I said we have geat communication and discuss everything but I know bringing up this topic only shows insecurity.
I do remember when she said the comment and it bothered me but I didnt adress it then so now its sort of a moot point to bring it up again...
Im doing this "update" for 2 reasons, first I cant believe how ridiculous my line of thinking was, and this was just last month(I cringe when I read my first post)... two because it might help someone else in a similar sitution.
1. I cant believe that I actually sort of considered (I really doubt that I could/would of done it) cheating first just because I thought I might get cheated on, that is just pathetic.
2. I dont know if it was more insecuirity or my natural distrust of people that had me semi-paranoid, though she did have a history of cheating I still think and always did that it was more my issue.
3. As for bringing up the topic of cheating, I think as with all if nto most dicussions they way you react, bring up the topic and the tone of voice will really determine how sh reacts to the topic, I did bring it up in a casual way and we ended up having a long normal discussion about i where she actually ended up asking me how I felt about things she had done in the past.
4. If anyone is going through similar situation, bring up the topic casually if its that much of a concern for you but dont go with your pre assumptions into the conversation, also as others pointed out in this thread, its probably your own issue if you have these feelings...
oh and forgott to add, if you read the first post i was doing the math on her past cheating experiences and it didnt add up(what she had told me), well I was right, lol, but thats beside the point...
I think the best way to communicate how you feel about cheating is through proper storytelling and embedding. The way I go about it with the women I date so that I can set the expectation early is simply by dicussing the situation of a friend I have (you know you have at least one) that's going thhrough a tough time. That way I open up the conversation and we both give our views about cheating. That's pretty much the only time I talk about it
As for the inner game issues.....we all have them and all feel some type of insecurity on some level but its how we react to it that makes the difference. YOU have full control of your emotions, don't let them control you. At the end of the day all that matter is how you played your role in the relationship. If you play your position right, satisfy her physically and emotionally, share positive experiences and leave a positive influence on her and are happy with YOURSELF that's all that matters. The best way to make a woman not cheat is by making her afraid to lose the great thing she has by doing so. Once a person cheats/lies/decieves they bring that energy into the relationship and just like when there's two people in a room and one of them shits their pants.....the other person will know without having to ask. A different and negative vibe comes into the relationship and that's where problems start. We can't control what people do but we can control what we will and will not tolerate. Set the boundaries with her and stay true to them. And if things don't work out....the World population just hit 7 Billion. You'll be ok.....good luck.
Eh, so you have issues with trust, so what? This girl doesn't seem trustworthy by anyone's standards. She cheated on her past bf, that's enough to get a pass from me. The "everyone cheats" comment would have me running for the hills.
Originally Posted by LGFUAD
How can you get serious with a girl like this? It's clear from your post that you don't like girls cheating on you, and that you would care if she did. So, are you a glutton for punishment or something? You know it's probably going to end up bad if you become exclusive with this girl.
I agree with everything you said here, but please note that this thread is over 3 years old. I wonder if she ever did cheat on the op and what the outcome of this relationship was...
Originally Posted by bobywaker
LOL, E4, what the fuck. Why did you revive it? Yes, I'm also curious as to the outcome.
Any update OP?
Originally Posted by bobywaker
Are you guys aware that you are resurecting a thread posted over 3 years ago???