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So i've dated this girl ...
Relationships and how to be congruent without being an AFC
So i've dated this girl for about 4 months now and while to most people that might not be a long time, this is my longest relationship yet. I have made this girl jump through many hoops and ultimately i had her wanting to be in an 'exclusive' relationship with me rather then the other way around. However, this is where my problem begins......
Ever since i started dating this girl i've slowly let my emotions get the better of me and i would have conversations about either one of her exs still being in her life or reflecting on how i believe that our relationship isnt balance. I've proposed to brake up several times within this period and each time she seems to find a way to make me give up on that idea.
I have a good relationship with this girl, we've been through some hard times together and i believe that she does have true feelings for me. I just dont know if it is equivalent to mine. That fact really bothers me.
Recently i've decided that im going to introduce this girl to my family and that for me IS A VERY BIG DEAL. Which is consequently why i had a talk with her yesterday to ensure that we are on the same page and most importantly, to set up some boundaries.
In essence i told her some of the things i was afraid to tell her because of everything i've been studying and reading. I told her that this is a LTR for me and i do have a soft spot for her. I continued on by asking a couple of questions i ask to the only other girl i ever brought back to my parents. So now my gf nows i love her very much, i think about her whenever shes not around, and the importance of my act to introduce her to my family.
She responds positively and after we had finished discussing the questions about our relationship she kisses me and ensures that we are on the same page here.
I am worried that i am fucked, and screwed becuase i told her how i truly feel about her. What do u guys think..
Where to begin....
You're showing too much neediness
You sound desperate
You declaration of love sounds more like "Please Love Me!"
You're giving off the vibe that you fear losing her. Stop it.
Just because she's your longest relationship so far doesn't mean she will be the only one. Relax. Stop being so needy.
Last edited by BigDuke6; 07-02-2008 at 12:47 PM.
“On the Road of Life, There's Always Another Bus”
What! What does expressing your emotions have to do with showing neediness? So all guys have to be stone cold all the time to give off a bullshit alpha vibe, whatever that abused word means? No wonder women complain about men not knowing how to "communicate."
Originally Posted by BigDuke6
Nothing wrong with showing others how you feel. Just keep everything in balance
I have something to offer you that may help you tremendously, but first I'd like to state a few observations I made. First of all, you seem to be contradicting yourself. "I've proposed break up several times........I have a good relationship with this girl," "I do have a soft spot for her.....I love her very much," as well as others. So it seems that you don't really have things strait in your own head. THAT'S FINE! This is your first serious relationship. The best way to go into ANY new situation is with the mentality: Hope for the best, plan for the worst. It seems negative, but actually it's a positive mentality, to make you prepare yourself for the shit that life brings, but not so much that you don't enjoy the good things that life also brings.
My best advice to you, is relax. There are certain things you have an influence on, and there are things that are out of your control. Stressing and worrying only brings unnecessary strain on the brain and heart. Be positive; instead of asking yourself all the "what if"s (negative), focus on becoming your BEST self (positive) and don't worry about what happens, because you still gave it YOUR best shot.
Last point: Actions speak louder than words. The best way to show a girl you care for her, is to SHOW her, not tell her. Obviously you don't want to always be doing nice things for her, because she will get used to that and eventually take advantage of you (regardless of how much she feels for you), but you'll learn about that in the links I'm giving you. And don't play up this "meet the parents" thing into too much of a big deal. The reality is it's not a huge deal, but it will raise the comfort/bond level between the two of you significantly.
Anyway, as promised, here is a simple (and rough) guide to Controlling Your Emotions:
-Part 1: A Basic Outline
-Part 2: Pleasures vs. Punishment
Best of luck on your journey into unexplored territory!
Thank you very much all of you that replied me so far, i take all of your advice to heart even if some of them seem to be a difficult task for me to accomplish. However, i do want to address a couple questions to River for i am impressed by the accurateness of your response.
You are right River, i am a control freak so natrually it is difficult for me to just 'let go' and to be quite honest it seems the more i try to let go the harder it is for me to do so. U might ask why, i believe this is becuase the less i confront my emotions the more they become demons in my mind. I will read your links soon in order to conquer this inner demon of mine
Thank you for pointing out the contradictions within my post and allow me to elaborate as to why i have a good relationship with this girl but at the same time i have attempted to break up. I'll provide a breif version and if ANYONE has questions please feel free to post it.
The hoops i made this girl jump through were cruel. I basically broke her heart twice by telling her straight up that i am choosing between her and another women. On both occasions i told her that i would choose her if the other girl says no, and to my surprise both times she said shes willing to stick around until the answers are heard. I didnt do this intentionally, but thats another story on its own.
My girl has not shown any obvious indications during our short 4 month relationship that she is a cheater. The conversations i had with her and mostly about breaking up, were due to her maintained interactions with her ex-fuck buddy, which at this point in time has ceased completely.
I do not believe in exs staying only as friends unless they are under two conditions: 1) they are not physcially attracted to each other 2) emotionally not attracted. Eventually exs should just part their ways and see each other rarely.
I confronted her about this during these conversations and she could not gimme a clear response. I value myself more then to be stuck as the third wheel so i wanted to get out.
However, other then this sticky point, the relationship as a whole is good. We communicate well (even though on occasion I am the one telling her i have feelings for her often, I am refraining from doing so now), we get a long well on a daily basis, and ultimately it is her words that get to me the most. She shares with me that she has never been so comfortable with another man before, and more importantly she believes that we are in it for the long run. In addition she is sharing with me secrets of hers that she never shared with any individual. Every now and then she would even talk about plans for the future. I've never had this kind of interaction with someone before and perhaps that is why i value this relationship more then i have any of my previous ones.
I am going to meet her tomorrow at her place and i will definately refrain from talking about 'feelings' cause even i admit, ITS ANNOYING, if its the only topic thats constantly discussed. I believe however that congruency is another issue here. I am congruent and confident when discussing matters of my feelings so I do it with confidence and i dont beg. I simply state the facts and refrain from letting her tears effect my judgment.
Please feel free to give me more advice cause after all I trust that at one point or another you all have experinced what i am going through. I humbly ask for what to expect, and more importantly, what can i do to mend the mistakes ive done in the past and improve my relationship with this girl.
Thanks a ton!
Yep! Way too much talking about feelings. It sounds like she is more like a best friend than a lover. You need to man up! Woman are not attracted to this shit!
You're showing too much neediness
You sound desperate
You declaration of love sounds more like "Please Love Me!"
Btw, you talked to her several times about "breaking up" but you didn't actually do it. A REAL man would have... think about that. And chances are she would have been begging you to come back because women are attracted to real men...
This is what i find very confusing about these game rules. Why does a man lose respect and become AFC if he expresses his feelings? All he did was tell her how he felt about her, that introducing her to his parents was a big deal to him..and he wants to know shes on the same page as him. As long as he follows through and makes her well aware that if she disrespects him, he isnt afraid to leave.. that he respects himself and thinks of himself as high value etc etc.. I really dont see anything wrong with it.
Another thing.. if i have observed ANYTHING on these forums is that in relationships the rules often shift..even with the so called PUAs.. thats why we have so many guys posting things like "I was in control at the start.. but now shes doing this".. so if you slip up at times .. Its not the end of the world. In theory, a true alpha does whatever the alpha wants.. if the alpha feels like being affectionate and lovey, he will do that..and he'll do it without losing the respect of the female.. because no matter how much of his feelings he shows, she knows that if she crosses the line, he is not afraid to walk away..
a true alpha does whatever the alpha wants.. if the alpha feels like being affectionate and lovey, he will do that..and he'll do it without losing the respect of the female.. because no matter how much of his feelings he shows, she knows that if she crosses the line, he is not afraid to walk away..
But in the case of the OP (and we can only go by what he has said and read between the lines) some of us get the sense that he IS "afraid to walk away", and he IS "loosing the respect of the female", because when she does "cross the line" by seeing her ex FB, he does nothing but make idle threats. That is the problem!
^I missed that part!
In that case you should tell her that its against your values and you find it disrespectful..and that it is against your beliefs... that you're comfortable with her having friends .. but if they are exes, its not ok .. this way she cant turn around and say you're controlling and wont let her have male friends.. if she continues to see him even though you've told her you find it disrespectful to you...you have to walk away and tell her you cant be with someone who so obviously disrespects you. Dont fear that she wont chase after you.. she may still go ahead and see him because shes convinced that she can and that you wont be going anywhere.. but if you calmly tell her that you find it disrespectful and then follow through with actions, she will know you're serious.
alright, i will continue to reflect on the points made here today and i will keep folks posted on how things are going.
1) i will make sure that she does know that i am not messing around and that if she crosses the line i will leave
That will be the first and foremost. Even though i do believe that i've made that point clear i will further solidfy it if nessceary cause at the moment they arent seeing each other anymore and i know the other guy has tried to rekindle with her and my gf turned him down.