Discuss Am I justified in being upset? at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Am I justified in being upset?
So usually it's me giving advice and never asking ...
Am I justified in being upset?
So usually it's me giving advice and never asking for any. Well, this time it's my turn.
My boyfriend and I overall have a great relationship. We're both independent people, I wouldn't consider either of us clingy, he treats me fantastically and I would like to think I treat him well too.
But there's a slight issue. And it's one of those topics which we're not supposed to talk about on the forums, so I'm going to try word this post in a way which won't degenerate into a discussion about, ahem, certain substances. (BTW, I checked with TrueStory before posting this and he said this post was ok.)
When we met, he sold them. I knew this at the time. I never approved of it, but I guess my behaviour demonstrated a certain level of acceptance. He stopped for a long time - his decision to do so, I might add. Now he's started again.
I don't want this to turn into a debate about the pros and cons of drugs. My question is is it fair for me to be upset about this? I don't want him to change who he is for me, but I do want him to change this particular thing he's doing.
He says I knew this about him when we met so I don't have a right to be upset. I say that the career I've chosen would be destroyed if I were to have a criminal record so I don't want my boyfriend to be actively involved in something illegal. He doesn't need the money, he has a well-paying job. I think it's senseless and risky. I've made sacrifices for him. Is it reasonable to want him to make this 'sacrifice' for me?
Thanks in advance.
no it is not fair to be upset if we are not looking at pros and cons of drugs then you shouldnt be upset. you did know he was doing it when you got together with him.
the only problem could come if you live together and he is keeping drugs in the house because you could be charged other than that i dont see a problem.
You have every right to be upset. Not only is he jeopardizing his future, but possibly yours as well. Authorities like to arrest and stick charges with people associated with these types of people in hopes of using them as witnesses. How ugly would it be for you to have to rat out your own boyfriend you love. Yeah, I'd go ahead and put the foot down on this. Wanting your boyfriend to not engage in illegal activities isn't "changing him." Wanting him to stop smoking or eating unhealthy food would be changing him. What you want is completely legit and he should care about you and his future enough to stop selling.
Originally Posted by sampanye
What are his reasons to start selling it again?
Did he get involved with old friends?
Is he BORED with his well paying job?
If he made a decision NOT to sell drugs while back, SOMETHING had to bring him back.
Are we talking about "weed" here or something more serious?
Is he doing drugs himself?
You need to ask yourself these questions. If you intend on staying with him and help him to get out of "illegal business", telling him NOT to do it won't solve anything.
As a man, I can say, us guys have big egos. We don't want to listen to what our girls tell us to do. We want to come up with a decision on our own. Find a way to show him what's really important to him.
If you guys invested a lot of time into each other and if he feels like he's going to lose you, he'll stop.
The ghost of pua's past.
I think its fair to be worried, if he's carrying when you're driving or something. Because the owner of the car gets charged with possession, not only the passenger(or thats how it is in California). I dont let people carry any drugs in my car anymore, I am very paranoid about my criminal record because I want to work at a good law f irm and such.
Last edited by NumbaOneDesi; 05-23-2008 at 08:43 PM.
bf/gf is someone you share your life with. It's someone you bring home to mom & dad. IMHO... if someone is immersed in that lifestyle... if they are at a stage where selling is something they need to do... they're not stable enough to date. Unless you're a stripper. And intend to be one for awhile.
Originally Posted by sampanye
If you have a career... if you have plans... a desire for stability... then yes. It's fair for you to be upset.
Move on. He's not ready for the relationship you want.
Originally Posted by sampanye
Assuming you're not a kidney harvester, we can chat in the car. - Cedar
This is how he was when you met him. I could see your point if this is something he just started out of the blue. Dont buy a shovel then ask it to be a rake.
We're talking about weed... at the moment. He used to deal more serious things but not currently.
Originally Posted by TrueStory
Both his older brothers sold drugs. So did his dad. He doesn't need the money, even though this is how he tries to justify it. I think it's just that it's always been quite accepted in his family and he's not yet been caught, so he doesn't see it as having real consequences.
NumbaOne, I'm studying law and as you know there's no tolerance for wannabe-lawyers with criminal records. I've tried to tell him I could get done as an accessory or even for possession myself but he always replies, "You KNOW I'd never try to blame it on you!" and guilts me into feeling like somehow I've just told him I don't trust him. He misses the point that I've studied criminal law and know they could get me for something anyway, regardless of what he says.
I got left sitting at the bar last night for ten minutes while he "went outside to say hi to a friend." God that made me mad.
I don't feel strong enough to 'put my foot down about this'. He's always been The Man in the relationship. I can be assertive in all other areas of my life but somehow I don't feel confident enough to do so now in this situation.
Thanks for all your responses so far.
Tell him to clean up or you dump him.
It really is up to you. Is the risk worth taking?
Does it change things if he did this when we met but had stopped before I decided to move back to Australia to be with him?
Originally Posted by Durk