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I have issues from my last LTR and I don't want them affecting my current LTR
Basically my last LTR was an HB9 and a master game player. I eventually found out she wasn't being a good gf and broke up with her, but in the meantime I pretty much got tooled around. She was a master of push/pull and I can say that being on the receiving end of it spiked my interest in her like nothing else (even tho logically I knew it was bullshit and she was being a bitch).
That LTR ended in May of 07. I started dating my current LTR in Oct of 07, so I was single for about 6 months. It was during this time that I studied the Mystery Method, RSD, social dynamics, PUA, etc.
So anyway, my current gf will do stuff that normally I wouldn't think twice about, but because my ex would pull all this shit, it's causing me to have (inner) issues with my current gf.
- My current gf and I have a great sex life, but occasionally she won't be in the mood (she works weird shifts at work, etc.). Before I would've been like "no problem, honey." But when she gives off those "not in the mood" signals, my brain goes into freak out mode (due to the ex) and I start having thoughts like "maybe she's tired cuz she's fucking some other guy" (like my slut ex was). I know she's not, but my brain goes into anxiety mode and it pisses me off.
- My ex knew I had high interest level in her, and we would make big plans, and then she would cancel them at the last minute (to go do whorish things that girls in relationships shouldn't do). I didn't find this out until the end of our relationship, but now, in the rare instance that my current gf has to cancel our plans (for legit reasons), I go into freak-out mode again and wonder if she's fucking some other dude.
- My ex had her own place and I lived with roommates, so it was more convenient for me to go over to her place. She would invite me over (we typically followed the same schedule of days I would go over there based on work) but then make it sound like I was always inviting myself over to her place and making me sound needy. My current gf has her own place as well and I still have roommates. My current gf invites me over a lot, but sometimes she'll ask me "so here's my schedule for this month; when do you want to come over?" I know this sounds retarded, but I'm like unable to answer that question because I'm seriously freaked out that she'll start to think I'm needy if I invite myself over. I've kind of talked to her about this before and said stuff like "yeah, I don't wanna be the needy bf who invites himself over... I don't even invite myself over to my friends' places." She's like "I understand... but it's me. I love it when you come over!" Still tho, I have the biggest fucking issues about this and it's driving me nuts.
My ex was an extremely manipulative bitch who caused me to have issues with my current gf despite the fact that my current gf is awesome and hasn't done a single thing in the entire time we've been dating to make me not trust her.
Next time she does something that freaks you out simply just tell yourself that your being paranoid and forget about it...
Keep doing this and eventually you will see that shes an awesome girl unlike your ex...
The ex made you more vulnerable. You've learned that she was bad. She's part of your history.
Stop thinking of your ex as a master of anything. You give her too much credit.
You have to have a clean slate when it comes to girlfriends, but use what you learned in case some things seem to be recurring.
I don't go in with full trust, I expect that to be gained over time. I expect there to be a guy in her picture that she hasn't told me about. Unless I have no doubt about it.
When I'm in an LTR and she says she's "not in the mood", I'll name off all the times I took care of her needs when I didn't feel up to it, and just say I'll remember that next time, and usually do. I will say no to sex when it's offered up from time to time, because they can wind up using that as a bargaining chip if you're not careful.
And you can't judge her being tired as a way to think she's cheating. When I've cheated and been cheated on, sometimes it made me want to have more sex with her, and when it was turned around on me, the same thing applied. She f-ed a guy a few hours before she f-ed me. But on Valentines Day, I had closure sex with my ex at 2 in the afternoon and the girl I was seeing after dinner, around 8PM (I'm estimating this). If I wanted to cheat, I can just call up at any time of the day or night if me and her were close enough to meet up, if she was off, or if I was off.
Have you thought about moving, not in with her, but either a smaller place, or a place with one roommate? It sounds extremely inconvenient.
Don't put all your baggage on this girlfriend. It's one-itis, because you're letting the ex control you even though she's not in your life. Trust takes time to build up, the last one was probably all about impulsive and throwing all of your emotions into it and no logical or rational thinking. Don't refer to the ex as a bitch anymore, that gives her power over your relationship. She should be thought of in terms of smallness, shallowness, and pettiness.
Write the fuck you letter to her that gets it out of your system, either send it or don't, get rid of almost everything you still have of hers that you shouldn't still be hanging on to, pack anything else you want to keep in a small shoebox, send it to your moms, and be done with it.
It doesn't mean your girlfriend is perfect. She should never be put on a pedestal unless she did something above and beyond what a girlfriend would do. But she should still come down after a while.
Like you said, you have an awesome girlfriend.
You have an AWESOME, AMAZING girlfriend.
You have a GREAT friend.
But if the ex is still interfering in your head, you might not be ready for an LTR.
Originally Posted by metalhead
This is quite funny, becuase you ahve laready idenitfied the problem, and what is causing it.
You do seem a tad to needy and clingy, and sooner or later you are going ot have to take a deep breath and start to trust that she is not your ex, and never will be.
(sorry for any typos - im posting from my Blackjack)
wow, one-itis? really? i never thought of that.
You know, i never started having these thoughts until recently with my current gf. After i broke up w my ex i was done (after a little adjustment period... you know what i mean). i didnt think about her. i went out w my friends and had fun. my ex called me a few times and wanted to hook up or get back together and i rejected her each time (felt awesome btw). anyway, thats why im annoyed that shit she did pops back into my head from time to time.
Oh, im gonna move soon but i just got laid off (small severance package) so that put a damper on things. My gf told me she likes me more now that im not working because im less stressed. lol. Anyway, she gets points for not being a golddigger. She actually broke down one night and started crying because she was afraid i would think she was a golddigger and i would break up with her. She's like "thats why i always pay for my things separately when we go grocery shopping" or whatever. That was huge bonus points. My ex always thought it was my job to pay for her (altho i never did. lol)
Anyway, i get these thoughts like "yeah, my gf just hasnt figured out what being hot can get her yet." Thats what happened w my ex. She went from sweet, hot gf, to hot whore who took advantage of the attention she could get from her looks everywhere she went (including fuckingother guys).
I think a girl who sticks around through your changes, the times where money is tight, and you feel that she has your back and not sticking a knife in it, is worth keeping around.
A one-itis involves a girl preoccupying your thoughts more than she should. Maybe it's usually related to not knowing when to give up and having a restraining order placed on you, but when it's affecting a current relationship, she's still in your head, affecting you.
Don't let your ex ruin you. You didn't have kids, you weren't married, there's no obligations. You have no idea how much life sucks for people who have to spend years paying money to ex-wives and kids, and having to go to court because the ex wants more money, because she thinks you got a raise. It's insane, and thankfully I wasn't in that situation.
I think your ex played the part of a nice gf in the beginning. Maybe she changed in the course of the relationship. I'm glad you were able to push her away, but it's easy when it's still recent in your memory. It's when enough time goes by and you're wondering if it really was that bad, or that you hope she changed for the better. I also have to wonder if she felt you were a sure thing that would've taken her back because she thinks she was the best you'll ever get.
It's like I told any ex, all it takes is one major lie and it's over. I've never gone back to any ex.
Originally Posted by metalhead
Great thread! This is pretty relevant to where I am right now. I had no idea that all these inner game issues would come up in this way as a result of my ex. I thought was OVER her and all the pain she caused me. Apparently not...
Hang in there bro. Don't forget who you are.
This is why its really important to develop good game, and gain the power to get women like anything else in your life. You don't get one-itis over a loaf of bread, because you can buy another.
I think you should ease way the fuck off this chick, and not put so much importance on it. Think about it, would all the shit your old girl caused you hurt so much if you had tight game, and could have just went out and fucked some girls , when she was going out fucking some dudes? Would you put up with her bullshit? Would she have had the upper hand? No way, you would have said fuck you bitch, I got this other chick over here who actually LIKES me , and doesn't mistreat me. If you went to the store and baught a loaf of bread, and it turned out that it was moldy, would you keep it and try to avoid the mold. Try to cope with the moldyness of it. Fuck no, you would throw it in the trash and buy a new one. Most men can't do this with women, because its very hard to get to the level of game where they are as easy as buying a loaf of bread. Why do you think women love men like this, who would throw them out like a moldy bread? Because they know the man has choices, and he chose them over the others. When you get picked for a job over a bunch of others it feels good. When you get picked because your the only one there, its not as good. Hence why needy/clingy dudes are a turn off to any chick remotely hot.
If you take your girl off the pedestal and enjoy the moment , not think OMG I hope this works out and she isn't evil like my old girl, then you will be alot better off. You also need to get that abundance mentality ( knowing there are tons of other chicks out there, and you have the power to get them ). This way if she does turn out bad for w/e reason, you won't be so crushed and lost.
Last edited by ZeroFear; 05-15-2008 at 02:18 PM.
WRONG! Real feelings are a whole different ball-game... I have hotter girls than my gf chasing me right now, but that didn't make me feel much better the other day when I thought we were toast. The other girls are just girls. My gf is somebody more interesting than the rest, that's why I bothered to make her gf.
Originally Posted by ZeroFear