Loss of control with my wife

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    Loss of control with my wife

    My wife doesnt hold sex over my head. She never has. What she does hold something else over my head that can end the relationship permanently. I cannot discuss exactly what it is in this forum.

    I know she doesn't really want to do it, but she has strong factors which pull her to leave. She loves me and knows she will regret leaving and that when she does, it will be too late for us. And when she is mad at me or when she feels worthless she often contemplates leaving.

    This leaving would be final and definite. I cannot go into details. She has low self esteem also, so this makes her want to go too. I feel I have lost my edge, or my absolute dominance in this marriage.

    How do you get it back? I try to take the lead, but she still can hold her leaving over my head. If I tell her to leave her low self esteem will tell her she was right to want to go.

    Please help.
    TOTSEGUY



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    Seek counseling. Seriously. As a couple, and as individuals if the situation warrants it.

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    nightflight7 is offline TAF Hall Of Fame
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    Okay... first and foremost, this is a forum for meeting and attracting women. We don't deal with marriage problems here. Most people who post, while good-intentioned, is way in over his/her head. (myself included)

    You need to get off internet forums and seek professional counseling with your partner immediately.
    Ability is what you're capable of doing
    Motivation determines what you do
    Attitude determines how well you do it.

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    TrueStory is offline TAF Hall of Fame
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightflight7 View Post
    Okay... first and foremost, this is a forum for meeting and attracting women. We don't deal with marriage problems here. Most people who post, while good-intentioned, is way in over his/her head. (myself included)

    You need to get off internet forums and seek professional counseling with your partner immediately.
    ^ NO! This is Attraction Forums! Attraction is part of marriage or relationship.

    Yes, you do need to seek counseling.

    Stab in the dark: She wants to go cheat on you with other man??????

    Regardless, ask yourself:

    Why can't you use the same thing over hear head?

    What are the chances she is bluffing? How does it affect your personal state?

    Are you happy in this marriage? Carrying marriage you don't want to be in, can shorten your life?

    Again, anything that is holding you two together? Kids?

    If she left, world is not over. Marriage does NOT guarantee loyalty, stability, and honestly. It's false sense of security AFC fall into. What was the reason you got married?

    You're 29. Game is not over. Can you become self sustaining person, financially, emotionally, without her?


    .....ask these questions for yourself. You don't have to post answers here. Just re-think, why are you where you are right now (marriage) and what would happen (the worse case scenario) if she left you?


    Maybe it's time to pull the plug and LEAVE HER?
    The ghost of pua's past.

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    The guys here are right, we are not qualified to give this kind of advice but she is using you man. Every time you do something that she does not approve of, she will remind you that she will leave... That's no way to live a marriage.

    The more she pushes you away like that the more you are going to want her, which will lead her to hating you more for it. You need to man up and take control, save some money or something and get control of your life. If she is threatening you then you have no choice...

    Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

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    nightflight7 is offline TAF Hall Of Fame
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hellcrypt View Post
    The guys here are right, we are not qualified to give this kind of advice but she is using you man. Every time you do something that she does not approve of, she will remind you that she will leave... That's no way to live a marriage.
    Yeah. That's no way to live LIFE, either.
    Ability is what you're capable of doing
    Motivation determines what you do
    Attitude determines how well you do it.

    "We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don't know." -- W. H. Auden

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    If she does'nt have evidence of something that will put you in the pen(drugs or child porn on your computer),she doesn't have shit. YOU need to decide what you are willing to put up with in the marriage. Kids? maybe a reason to stay
    Stash some cash where she can't get it(and doesn't know about it)(spend EXTRA in the bar,stash the cash), get a credit card in your name only(so she can't cancell it) Cancell all the rest except for 1 for household use. When my wife left she(on her attourneys advice) left me the credit card bills, all the other bills and the taxes on the house.
    Read" Screw the bitch" at palladin press. It gives you many more tips. When a woman threatens leaving, she's probably working up to it. Don't wait until she'squit her job and gone back to school(No income and more alimony). You need to decide what you want to do. Most men are to passive and wait until she has her plan perfected and then get "Pearl Harbor"ed.

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    Vapor is offline Administrator Emeritus
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    Quote Originally Posted by totseguy View Post
    My wife doesnt hold sex over my head. She never has. What she does hold something else over my head that can end the relationship permanently. I cannot discuss exactly what it is in this forum.

    I know she doesn't really want to do it, but she has strong factors which pull her to leave. She loves me and knows she will regret leaving and that when she does, it will be too late for us. And when she is mad at me or when she feels worthless she often contemplates leaving.

    This leaving would be final and definite. I cannot go into details. She has low self esteem also, so this makes her want to go too. I feel I have lost my edge, or my absolute dominance in this marriage.

    How do you get it back? I try to take the lead, but she still can hold her leaving over my head. If I tell her to leave her low self esteem will tell her she was right to want to go.

    Please help.
    TOTSEGUY
    You're leaving out all the critical details, and we likely couldn't help you if we knew them. I would consult a professional.
    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.

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    Not discussing what it is, is crucial in the posting. If she's threatening to leave you for another man, that's one thing. If it's a kid, that's another. And the only way to end a relationship permanently is death (as it says, til death do us part, and hopefully natural death at that),there's always some potential to work things out if you choose to. Her parents have influence over her thinking is another one that came to mind. Friends talking her out of the relationship. Career situation where one of you wants to move and the other doesn't. I can keep going..

    If she's leaving, it should be for the better. There are valid reasons why relationships end, and the high road is to make the best choice between the both of you were you still have respect and dignity for each other. I left my marriage with my head high and have a clear conscience. I wasn't innocent in why it ended either. I reframed my relationship with her because we were great friends to begin with, and it's just a matter of seeing them through different eyes over time. You see things a lot clearer by then.

    I chose not to keep my marriage together, I was the one to actually say it was over. She refused to say it and wanted to work it out, but the more I learned, the less I saw a point in it. I'm pretty clear about what I want and expect from the beginning and it never changes. I'll compromise but I won't bend.

    If she really doesn't "want" to do it, she can say no. She chooses to do it, and it might be a selfish motive, but that's a risk and a chance she is willing to take.

    At this point you really have to assess what people have said before, what is involved in the marriage ending, and if she's going to expect you to support her if you do divorce. She needs to leave free and clear with zero attachment to you unless you already have kids.

    Her low self-esteem... another missing piece. Did she always have low self-esteem or did things happen in the marriage that caused them?

    As far as her threatening to leave, if she feels the grass is greener over there, then wish her well. I'm not the type of person to be definite about closing the door on anything, I go with highly unlikely. I never say never, because I've eaten my words.

    You have to do for yourself if she's being selfish and just show her that life will go on while she does her soul-searching. I would prob. say "we'll see at a later time" instead of saying "this is definitely the end". I got out of the marriage saying that I want the divorce now but in a few years we can see what happens, maybe we'll feel differently then. I think saying that caused a better friendship in the end than what could've been a bitter divorce.

    Don't get anything back. Let the past be, learn from it. Tomorrow is a new day, think about what your next move will be, and that she is not to be depended on at all for the time being. She might spend a few nights away and come back. She might go for good.

    She might expect you and want that from you to fight for her to stay, but you don't want to DLV yourself either. If you've always been the "nice guy" that didn't show any backbone in the marriage, she's already walked all over you.

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    Thanks for the info. She is getting counseling on the things that trouble her. She not seeing/leaving for another man, if she was I'd tell her to jump ship. I realize that you guys arent married, however, I believe the same principles apply to long term relationships.

    I decided to reuse DD's material to help me regain some lost ground. I think I am not as strong in the leadership department as I used to be. I came here because MM talks about long term relationships too. I thought you guys my have some useful suggestions, and some of you do. I will be putting those to use.

    I have decided not to let her hold anything over my head any longer (I can t lead with something over my head), and I think she is beginning to realize it. I'll be reading more of MM's stuff and more of DD's other info to help me be a better man, leader etc. This intern I believe will help me deal with the situation better.

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