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I'm a rAFC at ...
Ex sucks me in and blows me off. What to do?
I'm a rAFC at the beginning of my journey, and I'm hoping I can get some advice on a woman situation. It's kind of a long story, but I'll try to minimize it.
Awhile back I got in trouble with Johnny Law and went away for about 2 years. (Drugs. I swear I'm not a loser; I'm actually a super nice guy, college educated, ...) Before that I was full of self confidence and did well with the ladies. I had a girlfriend that I had been living with for 2 years. While I was gone I decided I was better off without her and did not rekindle things when I got back.
In prison you really get beaten down mentally / emotionally. When I got out I had zero game in me and it took awhile for it to slowly trickle back. I went probably a year without any sex or relationships besides one threesome with my best friend and his girlfriend. Then I went to the birthday party of my ex-roommate, M. She's a hot, blonde stripper. When we lived together she was my good friend's girlfriend, so we never did anything.
At this party I ran into M's little sister, A, who I'd met once before. Years back when M and I lived together, A came to visit once. She had a shitty boyfriend and M told me to try to seduce her so she'd leave him. I tried real hard, but could only get her to kiss me.
Well, A and I ended up hooking up. It took two or three hang out sessions that first week, but after that we started seeing eachother a lot. We both said that we didn't want anything serious; just FB's in other words. Me because I was still recovering and regrowing the parts of my inner self that had been taken away and knew I was not ready for a relationship, and also because I knew about her flamboyant cheating and lying in all of her previous relationships. And her because she'd been in serious relationships solid from her late teens to the current date (she was 24 and I was 27 going on 28).
About a month into the relationship she went to NY for a week. By that time we were spending a lot of time together, like 4 or 5 days a week. I went to a party and female friend of mine, K, started trying to fuck me. I thought about A, feeling like it would be wrong, but the more I though about her in NY where her friend C was, I figured she was probably fucking him, so I ended up doing K (and G) in the hottub that night.
When she came back (last halloween) I and her best friend, N, picked her up and we went out. When we got back she asked me if I slept with anybody when she was gone and I told her yes. She was hurt and actually cried. I felt bad. Even though we had agreed that it was OK as long as we never lied about anything.
I guess this marked a changing point. I felt like she had stronger feelings than I'd thought, and ended up letting myself get more attached, also. More like BF/GF even though we never agreed to move there.
Things were awesome for another month or so, then every once in awhile I'd get upset because she'd blow me off, or do something that made me feel like she was hiding something or lying. But I tried to ignore it.
Things were mixed between several days of awesome, then a day of me pissed off for another month or so, then she started seeming more and more distant.
Long story short she ended up blowing me off on New Years when we'd had plans for over a month. I was pissed and for the first time we didn't talk several times a day. In fact that was basically the end of our relationship.
I confirm that she has begun to fuck J (I called her on that a month before the end and she lied/denied.) We go a few weeks without talking and she starts "coincidentally" running into me. She tells me she really misses me, she wants me in her life, she tells one of my friends that if she had to choose between me and J, it'd be me in a heart beat, she actually told me she loved me once. Finally I agree to have dinner with her last Feb 28. It was really nice and the sex was awesome as usual and I go back to not talking to her but maybe once a week while she spends tons of time with other guy(s).
She tricked me into adding her back as a friend on myspace (won't go through that story), kind of blows me off once, then we don't talk for awhile, then she sends me a message saying "Max, I'm really missing you right now. What are your plans like this weekend?" I respond telling her my schedule, she reads it, and doesn't bother responding. I wait a day and send a message asking "Hey there, did you want to hang out?", she read's it, and once again doesn't bother responding. Silence.
So I get pissed and decide I'm done with her for good. Deleted off myspace again. The only things I ever asked from her were straightforwardness / honesty, and to not be blown off and fucked with. These are the things we discussed before I agreed to be friends with her again in late Feb.
A bunch of time goes by and yesterday morning I get a message from her saying: "So Max... there are things that have been said and a lot more that need to be said. I'm sorry I didn't have time for you and I'm sorry if I "blew you off". We need to talk...do you have plans for dinner?"
If she'd blown me off just 1 fewer time, and I hadn't recently read "The Game" and found you guys, I probably would have responded and agreed to have dinner with her. Instead I read her message and chose to remain silent, like she did.
So my questions are kind of general, and I know what kind of answers you guys are going to give me, but I'm going to ask them anyways.
1. What the hell does she want from me? Why does she keep bringing me back, then blowing me off?
2. What should I do? I want to fuck her. I'd love to just be her FB, but it pisses me off so much when she pulls the flaky bullshit that I don't know if it's worth it.
P.S. I'm almost positive that the reason she flaked the last time was that one of the other dude's she's fucking came through with plans leaving her with no time for me, and she couldn't figure out a way to tell me so she just remained silent (despite how much I tried to reinforce in the past that we'd always be good if she was just straightforward.) And she's probably contacting me now due to jealousy. I'm spending more time with her ex-best friend, N. They had a falling out about when we did because A is fucking 2 or N's fuck buddys and was lying about it. They don't talk anymore but A still stalks my myspace and she see's N all over it.
Sorry for the long post. Part of me just needed to write it all down.
Last edited by maxipad; 04-20-2007 at 03:40 PM.
Reason: fix a name
1) Shes doing it to boost her ego
2) You have oneitis. GFTOW
thats confusing stuff, what im thinking is that maybe she might be trying to get u back from u sleeping with another gurl, and when she sees that ur not affected by it, then she tries to do more
i.e blow u off, hang out with other guys, fuck other guys w.e the thing might be
i think shes attached to you and doesnt wanna let go, but at the same time she wants to get over you cuz u hurt her
just my 2 cents
Even though you went away for 2 years, you survived those 2 years. That's a lot to be proud of and hopefully there are parts of your life that you're getting together, careerwise and not on parole. I have a friend that's nearing the end of his parole time and he just avoids people from his past.
Screwing other girls is only wrong if you make a committment to someone. Sometimes it's better not to commit in the hopes of getting "guaranteed poon". It's got a lot of strings attached and in this case is not making your self-esteem any better.
You may want straightforward and honesty, but trust no one except a higher power and yourself. If you don't trust yourself, then the rest of it's BS. And getting pissed off....GFTOW instead. It's more fun, feels good, and it puts that drama behind you. Make your time valuable and less available to women toying with you. If she's ignoring you, it's because there are other things going on and it says a lot about her as a friend...drinking buddy from time to time, maybe an FB without the strings,but that's doubtful as emotional investment's happened.
Don't even bother with Myspace except as a random ONS hookup under different names.
What needs to be said? It's just the old carrot on a stick, line in the sand, seeing how much you can take from her. Even if you didn't have plans for dinner, she needs to make time for you, not the other way around. Even if you're not doing a damn thing and catching up on movies you missed.
Also the ex-best friend is just going to involve her at some point.
Oneitis for sure. Although it's mostly gone, I did have it bad.
She's definitely not trying to get back at me for messing around while she was gone. In fact, I would put money on it that she messed around with her friend in NY, even though she told me she didn't.
Thank you. Prison was quite an experience! I wouldn't repeat it for the world, but I must say I came out better off and with tons of great stories. And things are going excellently now.
She had a rough childhood and she has a hard time saying things to people that she thinks might upset them. That's why she lies. Her sister and I have discussed this at length. I tried my hardest to make her feel comfortable with telling me anything in the world, but obviously I didn't succeed.
I've discussed this with a few of my friends and get different responses. My female friends say "Don't fucking respond! She's blown you off enough times!" and my best friend, a male, says "I don't like burning bridges, but that's just me. Can't you just let a ho be a ho, recognize her for who she is, and be fine with that?"
It's clear to me that his viewpoint is the most rational and beneficial one. I could still have a fuck buddy and hot blond HB8.5 to strut around as social proof. I'd just have to drop the righteous indignation in exchange for it. And not be jealous, and be OK with flakiness.
So do I let her win by getting what she wants? My attention? and get her pussy in exchange? I guess I'll have to decide whether my game is up to extracting enough pussy out of her to make it a fair price.
If I do decide to go for it, what I have in mind is the following:
to send her a message tomorrow saying:
"If you want to talk, you can come by here tonight. I have the place to myself all weekend, and there's a new sushi restaurant nearby I've been wanting to check out."
To which she will almost certainly reply:
"I can't, I have work tonight."
(she's currently working a normal day job, and also dancing on some nights)
And I'll say:
"Blow him off or don't see me."
(because she almost certainly has plans with W or B, and is lying about work)
I got in a bad habit of always going to her place because she has two dogs that she didn't like to leave by themselves. And also of letting her schedule dictate our plans. So that's not going to happen any more.
So what do you think? Should I change my last response?
Inner Game - Get Hypnotica's Book..
Wow man,Telling her you have the whole place to yourself,youre insinuiting that you want to screw her and you also give off the idea,that you are a AFC by stating "the whole weekend",which to her will show that,you arent busy and have made your whole weekend revolve around her..
But,to me it goes about Respect and DHV..
Remember...you are the MAN that has tons of women at your disposal..
Show her that! Have High Value by making her plans revolve around yours..
If she doenst,then...hmm.. let her go..
She is not worth YOUR time..
If you still want to make plan with her(which I would not advise)..
reply : Wednesday night 7pm, I'll be at BLAH Lounge with some friends, feel free to join me..
(This insinuates that you will have a good time nevertheless,and u will appear busy..)
Keep me updated..Hope this helps
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I still have alot of work to do(Oh what fun!)
You were out of the GAME for a while but so what. You have to realize that you have the whole world ahead of you. You've been through struggles and overcome a lot of adversity. When shit got rough you got threw it, be proud, You've come a long way.
As for your "girl problems" things probably got sketchy when you told her you had slept with other women. She's testing you and the fact that you can pull some ass sparks jealousy. She can do it to and maybe wants you to feel what she feels. It's a DHV but maybe not the DHV she's looking for. She sounds really mixed up and in constant need of validation from men. She get's a high off of having "pussy power". If she doesn't have much else to offer then how can she make YOUR life any better. She may be a sweet girl but not very trust worthy. She needs some "inner game" LOL.
You eventually have to come full circle and have a grasp on what you want,not just with women but life/lifestyle, career, and friends/social circle. You're pretty wrapped up with this one girl who you supposedly just want as a FB.
She may want more from you but after you realize your own sense of self and figure out where you want to go in life you have to get your point across to her. Cut the BULLSHIT and tell her how it is. Keep in mind that you can't fix her. You have to do your thing and look forward to bigger and better and not wait around on her to get her shit together.
This seems like you are wasting time. I can tell there was an emotioal connection. However being an independent observer I can tell it is best you never speak to her again and learn from the experience.
Making women's fantasies become reality
So, I have a lot of reasons to believe what I'm about to say for #1. A lot of it has to do with personal experience, interviews I conduct with HB's and female friends, and general intuition I've gained about women.
Originally Posted by maxipad
1) There isn't anything in particular that she wants from you. She, at one point, had a deep emotional connection to you (ie the time before she found out you hooked up with other people). Regardless of whether or not she hooked up with anyone else, that sort of thing doesn't figure into her reasoning or emotions when it comes to how she feels about you. In her mind, you hurt her, period. Also, now that she's onto other guys, and isn't afraid to make it known for you, there are obviously things that they're not gonna be able to measure up to you with. At one time, the 2 of you would spend 4-5 days per week together, that develops a really deep emotional bond (atleast for her). And I can totally understand where you're coming from when she blows you off for some other guy. In the beginning, that sort of thing wouldn't get to you, because you saw it exactly as it was, a FB relationship. But then, you started to develop feelings for her, and that was when the dynamics changed. Now, you felt an attachment to her, a sense of belonging to some extent, so when she blew you off for some other guy, it left you feeling pissed, jealous, and spiteful. I know cause I've been there myself. And to an extent, I'm sure it's somewhat the same for her. I'll bet that the reason that she'll be distant for a while is because she's off galavanting about with these other guys, but then she'll notice a flaw in them, or they'll do something to upset her, and she'll think back to you... That you didn't do those things, and it would start to remind her of all the great things that happened between you. But here's a little secret about women, they remember a lot more of the bad stuff that happens in relationships, while guys tend to focus and remember all the good stuff. That's why guys can, later on of course, become friends with some of their ex's, but a lot of women have trouble even communicating with ex's since it just re-hashes old feelings of inadequacy and resentment. I think that's the 2nd part of why she'll come crawling back, and then disappear again. She'll remember the things that make her not want to be with you again.
2) It really depends on what you REALLY want out of this. Do you want sex, or do you want the relationship you never seemed to be able to have? It sounds a lot to me like the only reason this girl has a hold on you is because you were so close to attaining the relationship you wanted with her, but then right as you were within arms reach, it vanished. Now, if you're really in it for the sex, then go on with things the way they are. But here's how I'd do it... I'd plan things regardless of whether or not she's gonna show up. Plan to go out with friends, plan to go to a movie or a show, plan to have a quiet evening at home, whatever, that way, when/if she blows you off, it's no sweat off your back, you already had an alternate plan. One of the reasons that it used to piss me off so much when someone flaked on me, was because I planned around the other person, I made sure I didn't have anything else going on; so when they flaked on me, I was left with usually more than an hour to twiddle my fucking thumbs.
If you want to try to get the relationship going with her, try this. Make plans with her, and then be the one to FLAKE ON HER! Call her and give her some really lame fucknig excuse. You decided to dye your hair, and now you have to wash out the exra dye so it doesn't get fucked up or something. Or tell her that a friend of yours really needs you to dog sit and you couldn't say no. The more rediculous you make the excuse, the more it's gonna irk HER. Then, she'll totally begin to re-evaluate her entire situation with you, and it just might make her come back. But I wouldn't count on it.
As for the other guys telling you to GFTOW, that wouldn't be a bad idea either. Atleast then you can realize that there's more out there and she isn't the end all be all of women and their potential. I'm in that very process myself right now.