Discuss Hey baby, I need my medicine!! at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Hey baby, I need my medicine!!
Ok, I'm just going to try and paint the ...
Hey baby, I need my medicine!!
Ok, I'm just going to try and paint the picture here, and hopefully it will generate the responses I need to clear my head.
My HB and I have been together for just over a year now;the honeymoon period is def over (although I don't see why it should have to be), where I would say, my natural flare managed to keep things stimultating. You can almost tell what this is going to be about.. can't you? Moving on; we are now living together for the last few months, which on the plus side means we get to spend more time together - especially seeing as there is plenty of comfort residing within the relationship and we have a lot of fun together. Unfortunately, it's so much of one thing and not so much of the other. It's almost to the point were I no longer feel in love anymore, partially due to the lack of excitement.
the details.. she is ten years my senior(33), has a a daughter (6), is working in a demanding job. We meet at home in the evenings, where we chill out and have fun most of the time... Growing up, she never really received much affection from her mother so is curious to know why I might want to caress her, kiss her or play with her boobs (which I do casually but very rarely) etc. And she will say "behave yourself", which was funny at first, until I realised how serious she was, and then started saying it all the time.. Also, in her last relationship (13yrs) her b/f would complain if she didn't have sex with him - which combined with how her mother was towards her makes this mental conditioning tought to crack. Originally, when we started out, the sexual tension was electric. Now it has got the point where sometimes we will have sex, even when she is not in the mood and I feel like im f**king a corpse, but she says she is ok with it because I get to do it, but its not what I want. When we talk about sex, she almost always refers to it as, ''something you want to do'', as opposed to what she would want too. (I have to put up with this for a few months, but now I want to do something about it). Also, if I ignore her, which I have done for a whole week at one point, she says (1)"Are you sure you are not feeling frustrated, do you want some sex" (which doesn't turn me on). Then I say, "what about you, feeling horny?", to which she replies, (2)"I don't need sex, I can go weeks without sex" I can imagine most of you will assume Im being AFC about this, but trust me, Im not, just need to fine tune my actions and see if its something I can change. I can see what she is doing, making it seem like she is the prize,but if I try to switch it around then I get..(2). Sometimes, I get the impression that she behaves like this because she wants to keep my own my toes, but its gone past that stage now, and I'm just frustrated.
the FLIP side... I applied some game to the situation the other night: we were in bed, and I was lying chest face down. She started rubbing herself against the side of me when she realised I wasn't paying her any attention and I was pretending to fall asleep, making her work harder. I told her "I wasn't interested"... Then she started to lick my face whilst she kept rubbing up against me (she was now lying on my back); eventually, she s I was getting so turned on that I thought, "right, now you deserve my attention", I turned round and she whispered in my ear and said "I want you to f**k me".. Which, to be honest, is the best result I could have hoped for. So you're thinking, great, that worked, whats the problem.
the Problem in hand....
- I don't know how to respond the annoying things she says when it comes to nookie, when we discuss it before the event.(1)
- I could hold out, and let her come to me, but then she knows/(gives the impression) that she could wait weeks. (2)
- From time to time, we used to kiss passionately (with tongues), now if I try to kiss her that way she tells me to stop. (I'm ok with this being infrequent, but now it doesn't happen at all), and if it does, she has to psyc herself up for it.
- NO MORE BJ's (its been 2 months, ouch!!), her response is "go and find yourseld a dirty g/f"; when if anything, she was the one to instigate them in the beginning, I've never had to ask before.
Becauses of the problems she has had with physical intimac in the past, it feels like she just wants to dismiss the problem rather than recognize it!
ALL shes seems to want is hugs, and most of the time she doesn't even hug back.
Note* I know it sounds like im frustrated, and that maybe I should move on, but I want to try and make this work.
I know this post is long but I've tried to fit everything in.. I know its easy to think logically when you are not emotionally involved, but im finding it hard to step outside the circle. btw, I think MM will work eventually, but worried that it might not. Would really appreciate some valuable comments. It's getting to point where I know feel anxious and paranoid.
Easy - I will take a stab at this for you since I am in a very LTR. A lot of what you write here makes me think you should move on - I hate to say it. She is trying to use sex with you and that is not good. My LTR begs me to fuck her, rather she begs me to want to fuck her as passionately as we used to. I am not bragging - because god knows it is a struggle - people get bored. But the fact is we both try and make it work.
In your case, you haven't been together that long, sex shouldn't been boring or forced. I don't like how she is trying to use it. Also the lack of BJs is a non starter for me. And she says you can fuck her, like she is giving you a gift. FUCK THAT. She isn’t giving you any gift. You are not lower than her.
You need to look at it this way, and not listen to what any BS weak frame losers or chicks will inevitably tell you (flame me if you want fuckers but I know more on this issue then you), if she is not blowing you she doesn't care about pleasing you. She simply does not care about you period. Women know how powerful sex is and she knows damn well what she is doing by not giving certain things to you.
I am having a BAD month business wise, I mean TERRIBLE. My game is suffering because I am so depressed with work. You know what my LTR says to me - "if you need me to blow you just tell me and I will whenever you want, maybe that will relax you." WOW – as a woman she knows that is about the nicest thing she can say to me. She knows she can’t fix work but she can sure as hell make me feel good. Now sometimes this woman annoys me but isn’t that amazing, she is so in love with me that she just wants to make me feel better. That is why I don't leave her, at the end of the day what we have is pretty real. Even if sometimes I am bored of fucking her, but that is after YEARS. As a male you will get bored of fucking even the hottest women. You need to work throught that and be a man. You need to fuck them because that is being a man. Women get bored as well, but they get bored when their men become wussies and lame and boring (I can feel myself slip into this with my LTR). Women in love don't get bored with fucking their man - like men get bored with fucking a hot girl. Her not being so into sex is a very bad sign.
That she won’t kiss you passionately is also a sign that she is not close to you. For whatever reason this women is withdrawn from you. You say it is because of her parents and maybe you are correct but even so don’t you deserve better? Again don’t you deserve a better women? She wants hugs, so you give her hugs but she doesn’t want to do anything for you.
Easy you need to move on. I have a friend who has been in the EXACT same situation for 7 years. Nothing changes. He has kids with his wife so he stays but he is miserable. Life is too short my friend.
Finally how do you know she is not fucking someone else? If she doesn’t want sex from anyone something is wrong with her and why waste your life trying to save her. You are young man, go enjoy life.
Hope this helps.
Last edited by Equal; 09-29-2006 at 08:43 AM.
I have considered the prospect on moving on for a while now and as good as your advice is, it is nonetheless, objective. Which is the def the point of view I needed, thanks. Sounds to me that you have got it good with you LTR, thumbs up!!
So just a few extra points of my own, that I would like to respond with. (Btw, I have no doubts that she cares for me, but something I should have mentioned earlier, she is a little bit ME ME ME and and its something she has admitted to being selfish and lazy [jokingly], so it can come across that she doesn't care too much; but when it comes to the crunch.
answer to your questions...
- I do think I deserve better, but there is part of me believes that I can get that 'better' from her. What do I mean by better, more physical affection, more eagerness from her part - NOTE I can't help but feel that I am in control of this and that my inner game, if it were better, would grant me the things I want from her, as opposed to just expecting them from her, Is that fair? Should she want to do things naturally as in the beginning, or do I have to put more effort in and give this a try? (Even though I should be the prize)
- She will suprise me from time to time, and its really great when she does.. This makes me happy, and I think at those times that I am with the right woman. She has such a warm nature, and lights up any room she walks into; an amazing laugh and a canny ability to be silly at anytime of day to brighten the day. I feel like I might have serious regrets if were to move on. <- Its times like this when I wonder what I was thinking about.
- I don't think she is cheating, to be honest, she is so busy, she doesn't even have time to, and not that she would want to anyway.
-I think what Im really saying is that this is all down to the sex and physical interaction. When this wasn't a problem, I was walking on air... We have discussed this, since it became a problem - and it always came down to going our seperate ways (because she says ''she is not inclined that way, which is not her fault''), and then eventually, both of us deciding to meet in the middle with her saying "I will make more of an effort". But then reality strikes, and those words once promised seemed to have faded. Only because its not in her nature.
It seems like all I am doing is confirming what you have pointed out, but my torn mind is having to deal to two things. 1) I love this women, I know she would be there for no matter what. BUT.. 2) She doesn't have that physical buzz that I loved so much for most/first part of the relationship.
and... 3) I would feel like such an bastard/fool for walking away from her, everyone in my family/group of friends, loves her.
At the end of the day, I know this is my decision, listening to what you have said is def been helpful, I just want to make sure I make the right one and one without regrets. A few more words of wisdom from your side wouldn't go miss; unless you have said all there is to say. In which case, thank you.
p.s. I hear what you are saying about your friend, I really don't want to be that guy.