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FWB going wrong..

Discuss FWB going wrong.. at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; FWB going wrong.. Hi guys Okay, so as you've probably figured, I am indeed a ...

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  1. #1
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    FWB going wrong..

    Hi guys

    Okay, so as you've probably figured, I am indeed a lady. I have been reading the threads here now for a couple of days and you all seem to have your head screwed on pretty straight. So I thought I would join up and see what advice you had to offer me, from a mans perspective. Girls really are wired differently, so I need the honest opinion of non-biased men.

    This is going to be a v long post, sorry - but I guess it's good for you guys to know as much as possible to offer advice.

    I started a new job, it's quite close knit with only a few employees. Anyway the first time I met this particular fellow colleague, to put it bluntly, I seen and just knew I wanted him (sexually). I knew what I wanted and went for it, so I got his number off another colleague and text him asking advice regarding a work issue (to test the water more than anything). I think he was quite surprised by it, as after he replied he then came into work only about an hour after I first texted him, (on his day off) to talk to me regarding it, and went on his way. Pretty much straight after I got some flirty suggestive texts and it went from there.

    Now I should mention the guy is married. However, the relationship was already over and he was in talks of getting his own place (which believe it or not did happen 3 weeks later.. he is now all moved out and they are going through a divorce). Anyway, he approached me after this heavy flirting to see "where we stood". He told me he wanted to be straight with me before anything happened (which I respect), that he liked me, but obviously he was still married and although it was over, he was in no place for a relationship at the moment. (He has been very hurt by this woman, she has been with somebody else for almost a year and ended up getting pregnant to the guy). I told him that I didn't want a relationship either, I can't be dealing with the hassle and want to focus on my career and studies. So we agreed on friends with benefits.

    Immediately after, sexual things started happening, we didn't go all the way till he had moved out into his own place though. He went very off with me for about a week before moving out, and I hardly heard from him. His reason was his head was a bit of a mess basically. Then after a few drinks he also revealed that did I not consider he had been married for a long time, and wasn't used to this so got scared/pussied out? Another reason he came up with was that it didn't feel right, treating a woman like that (for sex basically). I have no idea what to make of all his reasons, so thats my first question - what do you think went on there?


    So since after about a week or two of him getting his own place, I've been staying there almost every weekend. We have great sex and drive eachother mad. He's always called me quite often, and we talk for at least an hour, up to 3 at a given time. Sometimes during a long chat he'll say, "Why don't you just come round if you're not busy - just to talk?" - "I'll even sleep on the couch so you know I'm not just asking you round late for sex" - which to be fair - he did sleep on the couch!! He's called me every night for the past few weeks for at least an hour - often longer, except for one odd 5 day silence (again he said his head was a mess and apologised). Quite often we'll chill out and talk - deep conversations for hours (I'm talking about 5 hours straight talking without tv, radio etc). It's worth mentioning we don't text that much.

    Lately, he's been suggesting a couple of things, like having a barbeque, going for walks down to the beach, and last week, he said out the blue "I know we're not dating, but I'd like to take you for a meal to this nice place (we were talking about a shared love for indian food lol) - my treat". And, usually when I'm with him, we like to have a couple of drinks - so he said not too long ago that he didn't want us drinking next time - something along the lines of he wanted to know the sex wasn't just because we'd had a few drinks (on my part I guess). Last time we went out, he developed some odd behaviour. He asked if I wanted to go for one more drink - I did so we went to a pub he knew well. He was pretty hammered by now so went off playing pool with mates - wasn't my thing so I went off meeting/chatting to people. I got chatting to the manager - as I was chatting across the bar, FWB comes through talking to me (I couldn't hear what) pointing to go to the other room and giving me a really cross look. He walked off but came back later as I was sat with the manager having a drink, said to the manager "You're looking quite comfy there, (hisname)" - because the manager had his hand on my back. FWB then said he was leaving, and that the manager was fine to have a drink with, he was sound and that I could stay have a few drinks before coming back to his if I wanted. I said it was fine, that I'd come home with him now. FWB was insisting "No no, honestly it's fine if you want to stay have a drink" after a few times of me insisting I'd come back now, and FWB saying "No it's fine you can stay", I gave in and said "Ok, I'll stay and come over to yours after I've had one or two more drinks". At which point, FWB (who now also had his hand on my back) started pinching my back - hard. He carried on pinching my back getting harder and harder and giving me angry looks while we were talking to the manager, but so he could not see.. and all the while still saying it's fine if I wanted to stay for a few drinks? I got the hint and went straight back with FWB.. and asked him what that was all about, I asked him if he was jealous. He said "(hisname) likes to get girls drunk and take advantage - I wouldn't have let you stay. I'm not going to let someone I care about be taken advantage of". This could be true (I don't know) but seems odd seeing as the manager had already took my number asking if he could take me out to the pictures the next day?

    He's never done this before - so I'll be honest I'm seriously confused by his behaviour. The reason I asked him if it was jealousy, is because if it was, then I don't want to upset FWB at all - but he's always brought up the fact that we are just FWB and not in a relationship, so I figured this kinda thing wasn't a problem. What do you guys honestly think his behaviour was about here? Later on that night, the sex was very different. He's never been affectionate in bed before, at all. But that night (the last time we had sex) he was. I definitely noticed a big change. And when we finished and I went to get off.. he stopped me, pulled me close and told me to stay there. I stayed there for a while and he kissed my forehead.. all of this stuff he's never ever done anything close to during sex :S

    Whenever I leave, he asks me for a kiss before I go. He pays my taxi fairs to his and back home, walks me to the bus stops, and has no problem introducing me to his friends at bars etc. I'm definitely going to play it out and if there's any more changes in behaviour then I'll talk to him about it - for now I'd appreciate a (tactful) mans opinion. I'm happy with just FWB, maybe he wants to do other couply stuff because he feels bad/guilty about just having a sexual relationship with a woman and nothing else after being married, I don't know. But I am seeing changes in behaviour and I don't want to see anyone hurt - if this looks to be heading somewhere else I guess I need to know now.

    Thank you all for taking the time to read my LONGGGG post lol, I look forward to some input on this one. xxx



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    From a mans perspective, there are two possibilities, and I'll be straightforward and frank:

    He is genuinely getting more and more emotionally invested in the relationship. He is developing feelings, he is realizing your worth, he wants you to reply back with affection (hence the kisses), so he demonstrates affection himself. He needs love, and he wants it from you. He is starting to genuinely care about you, and the thought of the manager taking advantage of you devastated him. He didn't know how to handle the situation, and he didn't do a good job - the pinching, but his motives were pure.

    He is possessive (hence the bar scene and the heavy emotions afterwards.) He is starting to cling to you (the heavy emotions and the kiss request), he wants you to reply with the same, so he can be assured he has your love.

    I don't mean to scare you, but realistically these are the two possibilities as far as I can say. Its up to you to judge the situation, decide which it is and plan your next move.
    As advice, I would talk about the pinching and how you didn't appreciate it. Be strong and firm about it, and if he cares, he will agree and apologize.
    Good luck!

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    Rockout - thank you very much for reading all my post and offering advice - I really appreciate it. Sometimes you really do need outsiders prospective.

    I never considered his actions at the bar and the affectionate behaviour afterwards to be connected - but now you point it out it makes sense (whether it's because he cares or is just possesive).

    I guess the reason I'm so confused is because he quite often brings up (randomly) how we are just FWB's and he's not ready after what he's been through with her and I'm not ready after the things I experienced with my last ex (this usually comes up when he gets talking about estranged wife). I never ask him or bring it up - as far as I'm concerned we agreed to FWB's so it's not an issue to me - so when he brings it up I do ask him why he feels the need to bring it up all the time, and tell him I don't have feelings for him and he really has no need to worry about breaking any hearts. He usually answers this with "I'm just being concerned about your feelings". or "I know we're not together, but I know what it's like to be hurt so I don't want to do that to anyone else". The first time we slept together, he called me later after I left and ask me where we stood. He caught me quite off guard with this and I stutttered and eventually said "What do you mean? I thought we'd agreed to FWB before the sex, you already said you weren't ready for a relationship.." he replied "Oh yeah, yeah I know, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page".

    Then there are the couple of silence periods he has had for 5-7ish days. I'm not sure whether he's struggling with emotions (I can tell he doesn't WANT to get feelings for a woman again so he doesn't get hurt again like she hurt him - that much is very obvious). But what he wants and what is happening may be two different things for him - perhaps he's trying to back off to stop feelings. Or perhaps he's just doing his own thing during this time and not really thinking about me - I'm not sure.

    I'm finding it very difficult to determine whether he has feelings or is just trying to still be a gentleman while maintaining a casual relationship. He's been through a lot and I don't want him to go through hurt again - he doesn't deserve it. I guess I came to him at a bad time - just before him moving out from his wife. I'm the first since her. Thinking about it, in the beginning he did mention that as he's been married for so long, he's always thought about sex being a loving thing, and is finding it hard and rather new to think of it not meaning that. I've been single a while and am sure of what I want. I cannot be bothered with the hassle of feelings etc. I guess I'm finding it hard to believe a man could be developing feelings in a FWB scenario - from what I understand it's almost always the other way round.

    I'm going to talk to him about his behaviour at the bar following your advice - if for whatever reason he didn't want me staying there, he should have either asked if he could speak to me in private a mo, or simply said infront of the guy "come on lets go home now". Not put on a face infront of the guy telling me over and over it was fine if I stayed, whilst pinching me hard where he couldn't see... perhaps he was ashamed of his own not liking what was going on? I will be clearing that one up with him though, and updating this thread if people are interested.. in the meantime please do keep the input coming!

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    Dating a coworker is usually a bad idea. Dating someone who is currently going through a divorce is a bad idea. Mixing the two together is a recipe for disaster.

    Yes, he is developing feelings for you. Yes, his behavior at the bar was proof of that. Since you work together, I can't see how this is going to end well. I think your best bet is to cut off the sex and just try to be his friend. Hopefully you can get out of this and still have a job.

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    Sure, a second opinion is always very valuable. I'm trying to gather some for my case as well, but my post is long as well and I'm having a hard time, lol. http://www.theattractionforums.com/r...ing-shrew.html

    Definitely let us know how the talk goes, its very important to let him know how you feel about it.

    Also, you should do some thinking for yourself - where do you want to go with this guy? What do you want more - sex or to help him recover from his emotional wounds? Is FB comfortable for you? Just give it some thought.

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    confusedgirly, you are very naive to think that a man you are sleeping with wouldn't be jealous of seeing you basically hooking up with the bar's manager, no matter what the label on the relationship.

    If you want to keep him friends with benefits, don't behave in ways which will trigger his jealousy, and hence attraction and possessiveness. It is attraction 1O1: to make a girl/guy realise they have feelings for you, make her/him jealous.

    Rationally, as he says, he doesn't want a relationship, but that doesn't stop his feelings from taking over. The only way to limit things to friends with benefits is to only have benefits together. In other words, limit time and contact to just sex. Any other arrangement and it turns into a relationship.


    YES, he is emotionally invested now. Whether it is because he is rebounding, or whether his feelings are for other reasons, they are real and present (and perhaps dangerous hehe).

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    Thank you all for your honest answers - I certainly wouldn't get this from my girlfriends! I definitely appreciate it that all your answers give me an opportunity to see it from anothers prospective. Perhaps I was unfair to him at the bar, it was a bit of a shitty thing to do & I guess no one would like it done to them.

    The thing is he's told me I could go back to my ex, or start dating someone and he wouldn't see his arse (be pissed off) at all, basically has said that he wouldn't care at all.. so I believed him. If he's emotionally invested, what about him driving home the fact we are just FWB's all the time, despite the fact I never mention it or behave otherwise? It's as if he thinks I want something more, but whenever he brings it up I reassure him time and time again that I do not have feelings for him and do NOT want anything more :S Part of me thinks he is trying to convince himself more than me, part of me thinks he is worried that I'm going to start wanting more.

    What part of the story makes you guys so sure he's emotionally invested?

    I guess we'll find out more as it pans out, and it'll be interesting to see. I don't want a relationship, but I think we'll find it difficult to reduce it to pure sex without spending any time together at all as friends. Perhaps friends with benefits does indeed always end bad... I'll update you guys as anything futher happens! xxx

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    What gives away his emotions are the requests for kisses, the kiss on the forehead and the affectionate sex. Basically, all that screams: "I have feelings for you". If not, like you said, he would just have sex, and then wouldn't bother seeing you to the door.
    When men don't feel anything - they really don't, and even a small kiss, or a request for a kiss from the other party is perceived as a nuisance. But in this case, he goes and asks you for a kiss.

    There is a possibility he doesn't want to come off as possessive or limiting your freedom, even if what he really wants is to be in a relationship with you, which will explain him bringing it up all the time and telling you you can get back with your ex etc. Keep in mind he is in an emotional state and as you know from my post, men handle emotions differently, and sometimes poorly.

    If you don't want a relationship, you've already done what you should - you've told him so. If he wanted one, it will take some time getting used to the though for him, but if you meet him exclusively for sex and nothing else, FBs is what you will remain.

    Perhaps he was just having an emotional moment and it was a one-time deal. Keep us updated and I'll try to help as much as I can.

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    Just want to thank you guys again for taking the time to read my long ass post lol, you guys have opened my eyes a bit and sure know what your talking about. So girly ((hugs)) lol.

    Not much update wise, but as each day passes I'm beginning to think you are right and this is not just FWB anymore. So sunday night I pranked him to get him to call me back, which he did straight away (hadn't heard from him overly so, a call here and there). He was in a FOUL mood. Said it wasn't a good time, but he didn't want me to think he was ignoring my call, which is sweet. Basically he had dropped the kids off at his wifes, she said she would be back at X time, and she wasn't.. he got tricked into staying there all night with the kids while she went clubbing, rolling in at 6.30am. He seen his ass majorly, and was quite short with me on the phone. I got pissed and said I'd drop some of his stuff at work and that was it. He text me at 7.30am apologising, I ignored it. He called me after work but I didn't answer, he called again ten mins later and I rejected it. He sent me a couple more texts apologising, then rung me a couple hours later. I felt bad so picked up, and he apologised about being short with me night before. Anyway he was in the pub with his dad about to have a game of pool so said he's call me back in a bit, which he did twice.

    I dunno, I guess I'm seeing it as I must be on his mind for him to be calling so much while he's having time with his father in a busy pub and a few drinks. That or he's trying to keep me sweet for a regular fuck? Opinions there are welcome.. I guess I backed off on monday cause my head was a bit of a mess with it all. That and I suppose I wanted to test if you guys were right.

    I decided not to talk about the pinching unless he does it again. I'll be seeing him again this week so I'll let you know how things progress. I'm having thoughts as to whether to cut the friends, and benefits at the moment.

    He is 28 and I'm 20, by the way.

    CG xxxx

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    Again, I'll be speaking from a man's perspective:

    If he was trying to keep you sweet for a fuck whenever he pleases, he wouldn't call you during time with his dad, or text you and apologize. Apologizing is a big deal for guys, because it means admitting we did something wrong, so men are usually very scarce with their apologies or else it hurts their self esteem, in my experience. Did he sound sincere and serious when he apologized?
    Since he was persistent in his apologies, even more so. You're something more than an FB in his eyes, and he does not want to lose you.

    His wife is now a constant source of bad mood, because she constantly reminds him of mistake(s) he's made, so his reaction to that situation is understandable. You did good to react the way you did though.

    I would advise against not talking about the pinching - if it is a boundary you want respected, best not leave it until next time. The way you describe him at the moment, he will accept that. It may not seem like a priority and its true that there are more important things to be sorted out now, but still.

    Definitely keep us posted, I'll try to give you a peek from a guy's eyes

    -Rockout

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